The Horror of Ghosting

ManOnFire
The Horror of Ghosting

Yes, this is a common thing. Yes, it's already been written about. But I want to give my thoughts on it. I’ve been talking with some people here about ghosting and seen some questions about it, so I decided to do my own Take on this unfortunately regular, modern break-up method. I think all or most of us have been ghosted at least once in our lifetime, and it can either impact you a little or a lot, depending on how much or how little the interaction was that you had with someone, which I will get to later in this post.

Why do people ghost?

It actually really sickens me that ghosting is such a modern way of handling situations that you don’t have the courage to talk about with someone you were dating or in an actual relationship with. And in some cultures it is actually a “normal” social practice when you’re ready to be done with someone. It is just totally disgusting to all of a sudden disappear on the other person, no longer texting or calling them with no explanation, and no longer replying to their texts or calls in return either. You just completely disappear and ignore the other person, leaving them in a deep mental haze of confusion, hurt, and over-analyzation of the situation.

The Horror of Ghosting

Ghosting is truly the coward’s way out of a situation, and no matter how many people and even some experts try to explain it, there really is no excuse for this behavior. Especially when we are in adulthood. The only time I can say I would ever justify ghosting someone is when you have already tried talking about a problem you were having with them and they wouldn’t change, or the person was negative, toxic, and mentally/emotionally abusive to you and you just wanted to split once and for all. Otherwise, there really is no excuse for just deleting someone from your life without telling them why or what happened.

The so-called “psychology” of ghosting

Like many people, I’ve been ghosted here and there in my life, but I have never ghosted anybody. I'm not a scumbag like that. Although a sad truth is that many times people who ghost have also been ghosted themselves in the past, and do not take that into consideration when they decide to ghost someone nor do they care. They’re pretty pathetic people who’s fight-or-flight response to handling grownup situations is to choose flight because they’re afraid of having courage and speaking up, not “afraid of hurting the other person’s feelings” by doing it, as some experts try to say ghosters are actually feeling when they ghost.

That actually is not true. A ghoster knows very well that suddenly ignoring and disappearing on someone hurts them greatly, much more than just being honest with them. They know very well what they are doing is truly cruel and disrespectful, but the ghoster is too wrapped up in their own self-preservation, selfishness, and need to run away, and has no care about the other person. How they feel about the situation and what they feel they need to do comes first in their minds.

Being ghosted is incredibly painful

From someone who has experienced this in the past, I can tell you first hand that being ghosted is excruciating. One of my exes from a few years ago did this to me and it tore me up badly at that time, but after I stopped trying to reach out to her and was getting myself back, that’s when she wanted to reach out to me again, only to see if she could restart a friendly connection just to have me as backup for a later time. I wasn’t interested and told her so. But others have far worse horror stories than mine. I’ve heard about people who were in a relationship with someone for years and all of a sudden the other person just stopped texting, calling, replying, etc. I read one story about a woman who was with a man for four years and shortly after they moved into a new place together the guy completely vanished even though she still saw him active on social media.

The Horror of Ghosting

Being ghosted, especially if you were with that person for quite some time, is a torture like no other. It messes up your psychology, your trust in others, your balance, and even your physical well-being. You are left in an absolute hazy bubble of confusion, hurt, shock, abrupt disruption, and still a longing for the other person and constantly wanting to know what happened, if you did something wrong, where are they now, did they leave you for someone else, did they go back to an ex, why did they do this, why did they do this, why did they do this.

It robs you of appetite, sleep, and even interest in your usual daily activities. It affects how you perform on your job. It causes you to have anxiety or even depression. Your mind will stay on the person who ghosted you and wonder non-stop why they did it. You struggle to have any peace of mind. And this is all because you were not given any closure, any explanation for why they disappeared, and they left you thinking you must’ve done something wrong. Then there are the secondary thoughts you start having, wondering if that person still thinks about you, worrying if they left you for someone else and if they're sleeping with that person right now, or you feel awful because you’re sure they’ve already moved on which is why they must’ve ghosted you, and you still haven’t. You’re struggling with it.

The Horror of Ghosting

It is an incredibly cruel thing to do and a cruel way to end things with someone. This is why psychology and relationship experts practically beg us to never ghost someone we are connected with, that if you must end a relationship do it the right and adult way by communicating with the other person, because being ghosted causes them much more emotional and psychological damage than just giving your honesty to them. It is a form of separation anxiety that has practically been forced on you. Some people take weeks to recover from ghosting while others literally take months or longer, especially if the relationship they were in was not a short one by any means.

Ghosting on the dating scene

Other times I’ve been ghosted were on hookup apps, dating sites, or other anonymous apps. When that happened it was disappointing, but you got used to it and expected it to happen a lot because people on dating and hookup apps tend to be very flaky, plus the fact that they’re messaging or getting messaged by several prospects pretty much sets the stage for them to find someone else “more interesting” and ghost you. Which is why I don’t use these sites or apps anymore and why I tend not to involve myself in these modern methods of meeting people. I can’t treat people like speed dates or something I keep on tabs in case someone else doesn’t work out. When I meet someone and I’m interested, that’s it, I’m in. I don’t do backups and I don’t “keep options open” with others. Even if that person doesn’t work out. I’ll just take it easy until I meet someone else I click with. I am not desperate to move on and forget someone.

The Horror of Ghosting

However, even if you have been dating someone for weeks or even a few months, there is still absolutely no excuse for ghosting them. Not one. You do owe that person an explanation. You are obligated to let that person know that you’re just not interested anymore so that they can be on their way just like you want to be on yours.

People who justify ghosting

Just as appalling as ghosting is when someone actually tries to explain why ghosting ever makes sense, is right, or is understandable. Most of these people telling you this are ghosters! Or just insensitive idiots who actually think it’s justifiable. As I said early on, there is really ever only one situation that ghosting is acceptable in, and that’s when the other person really is not a good person and you need to get away from them. Otherwise, there is no excuse. There isn't a single thing that is logical, noble, or courteous about ghosting someone.

The Horror of Ghosting

Most of the people I also ever hear trying to explain away why ghosting makes sense are women, as women are also the majority of people who ghost others. And what’s worse is that I’ve read many articles about women being ghosted by guys, seen some of their videos talking about it, and read about women saying how awful, immature, and cowardly men are to ghost them, yet when men are getting ghosted it’s women who are actually trying to justify it, defend it, or explain their reasons for it! On top of that, these women are also the ones who selfishly and pigheadedly declare that no one is ever owed any explanation for why someone doesn’t want to talk to them anymore, that they are supposed to accept it and get over it. If this is your way of communicating - let alone treating someone - then you have truly failed in life.

“Does a ghoster come back?”

I saw someone here ask about this recently, and I’ve even seen a question about it on Quora and Reddit before too. The vast majority of people who have ghosted me never came back, although they weren’t people I even had the chance of maintaining any very long contact with, and I didn’t mourn them for very long either.

But I suppose people who’ve asked about this were wondering concerning any relationship they had with a ghoster that wasn’t short. People who ghost can be very weird. They might disappear on you and stop replying to your texts but still look at your Facebook and Instagram stories. Or they may ghost and block you everywhere but not block your number. These kinds of things can have people really scratching their heads and wondering if that means the ghoster is still open to the other person. I have to say I really have no idea. But then, nothing a ghoster is doing makes sense to begin with anyway. They obviously have a lot of issues.

The Horror of Ghosting

I’ve mostly heard about male ghosters coming back to someone later on, but not really anything about the situation vice versa. Either way, if the relationship was not a short one, I can’t imagine that the person who ghosted you really ever forgets you. They may have moved on, or at least tried to, but you’re still going to be on their mind from time to time. But does that mean they want to go back to you? Not necessarily, although I’ve heard about it. And if they do you should be extremely cautious about it, and I hope they're going to apologize to you for being the world's greatest scumbag.

How to move on

If you only knew someone for a short time, like dating them for a few weeks or even a month or so, and they ghosted you, moving on can be an easier task. It’s still disappointing, but at least you didn’t get too far along for it to be completely devastating.

But if this happened to you in a long-term relationship or one that wasn’t exactly short? Moving on can be incredibly difficult to do. And it’s a lot worse when people are just telling you to let it go and try to move on. They’re not understanding the time you two shared, the places you went, the photos you took, the plans you made, etc. and how all that has now gone down the drain in an instant. That’s a painful and difficult thing to accept and it does take time. The other person just ripped themselves away from you for God’s sake!

The Horror of Ghosting

So if you’re someone who is in this kind of situation right now, I understand. Take it easy on yourself and do the best you can to move forward. If that person who ghosted you has already moved on and you’ve still been hurting for weeks or a month, that’s okay. You have to recover how you need to. Grief is not a quick-passing thing. Just know that you must make the effort to move forward, even if it’s in baby steps. Because eventually you will end up being stronger and better than the person who injured you by ghosting.

#beingghosted

The Horror of Ghosting
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