Foreword:
This applies to both friendships and dating. Ghosting, in this instance, refers to the sudden cessation of contact via any means, such as text or in-person contact, for any reason.
Disclaimer:
All opinions and ideas stated are based both on personal and observational experience, and may or may not hold true depending on the perspective of the person(s) reading this MyTake.
This MyTake was posted under the "Relationships" category, in consideration of the possibility of ghosting in platonic/non-romantic, romantic, or even blood-related situations.
Lingual References:
i. Ghostee; person being ghosted.
ii. Ghoster; person who is ghosting.
Now, lets dive into the subject of GHOSTING.
We all know, getting ghosted sucks. You may not understand why they left you on read, or worse, did not bother reading your texts, even after you seemed to hit it off well at first. Why does this happen? How can you handle it? Lets take a look.
Reasons for Ghosting
People ghost other people for a variety of reasons. But upon closer analysis, almost all those reasons fall into two camps: (a) those that originate from the ghoster, and (b) those that place the ghostee at fault.
(a). Originating from the ghoster.
People who ghost other people often have reasons for doing so that stem from their own displeasure with the person they intend to ghost, such as lack of attraction to the other party (commonly seen in many one-sided love stories), or unwillingness to express engagement with the other part for reasons that could, honestly, be derived from the actions and character of either/both the ghoster and the ghostee.
Here, I am going to focus on possible scenarios where the ghoster is liable. Some people have a tendency to be bullyish towards their peers and will even play with their emotions just "for the fun of it". It is not uncommon for such people to toy with the feelings of other people who may be romantically, or even platonically attracted to them. In other words, they enjoy stringing people along by pretending to be their friend, or pretending to be interested in them. However, there usually comes a point where they begin to get tired of playing their little game, and they eventually stop and become disinterested. This is when they cease to respond to or initiate conversation with the ghostee, leaving the ghostee wondering what they did wrong to deserve being ghosted.
When it comes to ghosting in romance-related scenarios, it is unfortunately not unheard of for people to ghost potential romantic partners after getting what they want out of them, such as money, sex, or even a free dinner, or even a rebound after a failed relationship. This can be boiled down to one reason: selfishness. There is a similarity between all these scenarios: the ghoster is a selfish person who did not realise, or did not care that their actions were negatively impacting the emotions of the people they are ghosting.
There are also situations where the ghoster and ghostee were in a long-term relationship, but the ghoster ghosted because he/she got interested in someone else, or because of certain behavioural patterns exhibited by the ghostee over an extended period of time that the ghoster tried (and failed) to tolerate. In such cases, both the ghoster and ghostee may be at fault because the ghostee was unable to see, or just did not care that they had issues, but at the same time the ghoster did not communicate openly and approriately with the ghostee to resolve said issues.
Another possibility (in cases involving romance) is that the ghoster is ghosting someone who is romantically attracted to them, simply because they do not have the same feelings for the ghostee. This can be further split into a few sub-reasons (non-exhaustive) :
1. The ghoster is genuinely not interested in the ghostee and detests him/her, and thus chooses to abruptly end any contact between them, without consideration for the ghostee's emotions and desire for closure in the event of rejection.
2. The ghoster views their relationship with the ghostee at the platonic level or lower, but does not know how to appropriately show that he/she is not interested in pursuing a romantic relationship, and chooses to abruptly stop contact to show that he/she is simply not interested.
3. (Rare case) The ghoster is actually interested in the ghostee, but does not want to be in a relationship at the moment, which could be because the ghoster knows that they are in no position to build a relationship (cue academic priorities and/or financial instability) maintain a healthy relationship (especially in the long term), or that the person they are about to ghost is not compatible with them, or may turn out to be a bad partner (exhibits a bunch or red flags).
4. The ghoster is already in a relationship, and does not want the ghostee to cause any strain to the ghoster's current relationship, and cuts contact with them as a result.
5. The ghoster is holding onto emotional trauma and baggage from previous relationships and tends to pull away from any potential partners that get close with them, for fear of the same traumatic experience(s) replaying again in the next relationship. In such cases, it is important to understand that the ghoster wants to trust the ghostee but is afraid of getting hurt again, so the ghostee needs to understand the precardiment the ghoster is in and show some empathy.
In all these possible scenarios, there is a common theme: lack of proper expression of rejection. The one thing that people love to do the most when they are unsure of how to do something (especially without hurting another person's feelings) is to ignore the situation and let it pass, which results in ghosting, and lack of closure for the ghostee.
(b). Originating From the Ghostee.
When it comes to ghosting in newer platonic relationships, it is extremely common for causation to arise from the ghostee, which tends to result from character flaws that make the ghostee unappealing to the ghoster(s) as a potential long-term acquaintance or friend. In almost all cases, such ghosting occurs with fresh/new friendships. Such reasons include (but are not limited to):
1. Arrogance (of the ghostee). More often than not, arrogant people are some of the more difficult personalities to hang out with. In such cases, the ghostee often is able to maintain relations with the people around him/her, but eventually he/she gets ghosted by the people he/she is trying to build relations with. Interestingly, this arrogance in itself can be a result of various factors that promote the desire of the ghostee to "show off", coming across as arrogant. These may be:
2. Lack of positive affirmation and affection since childhood. People affected by this often come to the subconscious conclusion that they need to prove to the people around them that they are worthy of attention, and the coping mechanism they end up developing is to become a show-off, so they can "show" just how good they are and convince the people around them to "like" them. Unfortunately, this almost never works out, and arrogance is often rewarded with spite, hatred and ostracisation.
Incorrect parenting that results in spoiled children who believe the world revolves around them. I am inclined to believe that we have come across such people at least once in our lives, who make us want to school them for complaining about ridiculous things when in fact, they are already blessed and fortunate beyond belief. Naturally, nobody except other spoiled children will hang out with them. Birds of the same feather flock together, after all.
3. The ghostee's lack of social skills. In this case, some empathy is warranted for the ghostee, because they may actually not be bad people at all. Most probably, this type of person just wants companionship, but they just lack the social skills to be able to form meaningful bonds with other people, and end up being interpreted as intentionally obtrusive, i.e. interrupting conversations to express their view on the matter, or even brute-forcing their opinions, because they want so desperately to be heard. And I'm sure that once this behaviour shows up, most people decide not to reply to, or engage in conversation with, the ghostee.
4. Stubbornness. This may be coupled with arrogance as well. Such characters are extremely difficult to get along with, especially when coupled with arrogance. These people tend to insist on their opinions and their way of doing things, because they think that it is the simply the best and most accurate. Naturally, being difficult to work with or even get along with results in getting ghosted by people, because being an un-agreeable person generally warrants ghosting by the people around you at some point in time.
5. Another possible situation for platonic ghosting is when someone suddenly ghosts their long time close/best friend. This is one of those situations that nobody wants to experience. The problem is, it is difficult to draw the line between the ghoster being at fault and the ghostee being at fault. Is the ghoster just being an arsehole and/or being a fake friend/parasite? Did the ghostee somehow (maybe even unintentionally) offend the ghoster? Or did the ghoster do something wrongful to the ghostee and is too afraid to bear responsibility? Honestly, it really comes down to a case-by-case basis, and there is no clear answer as to who is at fault. It could be either party, or even both parties to varying extents (especially in cases where there is mutual conflict). For now, I will assume that it is something the ghostee has done (possibly unintentionally) that got him/herself ghosted.
6. Back to ghosting in scenarios involving romance. Let's consider one-sided romance first. I think we are all familiar with the people who never take no for an answer. In such cases, the ghoster probably did not mind remaining as friends or acquaintances, but the ghostee kept trying to convince the ghoster to have feelings for him/her, which the ghoster eventually got tired of, causing them to ghost the ghostee. Or maybe, the ghostee was just waaaay too thirsty, even on the first date.
7. In other cases, it could also be possible that there were red flags that the ghostee began displaying, such as being controlling, abusive and/or insecure to name a few. This may prompt a flight response from the ghoster.
8. I have mentioned before that in long-term romances, ghosting can also occur when the ghostee has issues that the ghoster is unable to tolerate any longer, thus causing him/her to ghost his/her partner. However, I want to discuss the possibility that the ghoster has tried to communicate properly with the ghostee regarding said issues, but the ghostee either kept insisting that they did not see anything wrong, or promised they would change but never actually did change. And we all know, even the most patient of humans have a limit.
How to Handle and Respond to Getting Ghosted
So, now that we know a little more about the mentality behind ghosting, how should we respond when someone does it to us? I'm sure that most of us have experienced being ghosted at least once. And guess what? It sucks! So, here are some tips on how to handle getting ghosted.
Step 1.
Allow yourself some time to feel, acknowledge and express your emotions. It is common knowledge that suppression of negative emotions is not a healthy course of action to take when something negative happens. So give yourself a day or two to feel and accept your emotions. Talk with a close family member or friend. Cry. Let it out. Do whatever you need to do to release those emotions.
Step 2.
Although it is essential that we are in touch with our emotions, it is also equally important not to completely lose ourselves in those negative emotions. There has to come a point where we tell ourselves: “Hey, I know that I am feeling upset, and that is completely ok and understandable. However, it is time for me to find out if there was something about me that caused the person to ghost me, and how I can prevent this from happening again.”
It is a good idea to handle it with an internal locus of control (I will be talking about the different loci of control in my next MyTake). This means that when we get ghosted, we should approach the situation by first evaluating ourselves and our actions during the course of communication and interaction with the ghoster, and thinking about the possible ways we could have caused the ghoster to dislike us. Maybe we came across as desperate because we wanted them to reply immediately? Or maybe we tried to initiate physical contact too early when the ghostee was not comfortable? Maybe we were overbearing?
There are many reasons about ourselves that could cause people to dislike and ghost us, and it is up to us to investigate and find out about the kijnd of behaviour we exhibit that drives other people away from us.
Step 3.
Once step 2 is done, do your best to rectify those faults you managed to point out. This will help you to understand why the person ghosted you, help you to become a better person, and also give you a little closure, now that you can see why the other person ghosted you.
Step 4.
Identify patterns that occur in previous failed platonic and romantic relationships, especially if you have been ghosted multiple times. Is there an issue with your choice of partner? Are you subconsciously opting for potential partners or friends who are emotionally unavailable and unable to provide the level of emotional presence you need from them? Or do you tend to try associating with people who obviously do not share the same interests or lifestyles as you? Or is there something you offer that people jump at the chance of getting, and leave once they have gotten it? Use these patterns to gauge what changes you need to make with regard to your choice of companions and dating partners.
Step 5.
Realise that sometimes, people are just arseholes. Even the nicest people get ghosted once in awhile. And look on the positive side. Good thing that person stopped contacting you! Not only is it an opportunity to learn more about yourself and improve your character, but it also gives you a break from potentially bad company or partners. They ghosted me! But it’s not the end of the world, I can still find better friends, the dating scene is still wide open, and now I know better!
Step 6.
Do things that will stop you from moping around the whole day because you are upset that that person ghosted you, even if you did not deserve it. Plan an outing with friends or family, buy that item you have wanted for some time, go to the gym, make some music, do anything that will help you to alleviate the intensity of negative emotions. And above all, give yourself as much time as you need to feel better.
A Note to Potential Ghosters
Being ghosted is not fun, and ghosting is never the approriate response to anyone, even if they are getting on your nerves or you downright detest them.
Instead, it may be better to gently tell that person what exactly about them is driving you away from them, and how you think they could improve, instead of outright shunning them and leaving them wondering what happened. It is understandable that sometimes when someone is getting on our nerves by insisting on trying to form a relationship or forcing their opinion, you want to simply forget that they exist, but ghosting them simply means they probably will not learn to be a better person. It is ok if you do not want to continue contact with the person, but telling them exactly why will give them closure, and also make you feel less guilty for cutting contact with them.
To those who are not looking for serious relationships, please make it well known that you are not looking for serious relationships, that way when you eventually cut contact with someone who you are casually dating, they know that you were not trying to lead them on. Of course there are some people who are absolutely blind even when the text is in black and white right in front of their faces, but at least you made it sufficiently clear.
If you want to end a long-term relationship, do not just up and leave without a trace. It is ok to want to end your relationship, but once again, make it clearly known why you are ending the relationship, instead of ghosting and leaving your ex-partner in the dark. If it is something that you did wrong, or that you are losing feelings, then be upfront about it, admit it and cease the relationship from there. Once again, it gives closure and allows the healing process to start quicker; instead of making them waste time thinking about and frinding out why you abruptly left, tell them exactly why, be honest, and let them begin their recovery process. Some things will hurt no matter how much you try to sugarcoat them.
Conclusion
I believe we all know it sucks to get ghosted, and I believe we all have had our moments where we absolutely wanted to ghost someone for whatever reason. Ghosting sucks, and it is a clearcut indicator of lack of, failure of, or incapability of communication on the ghoster’s part. Whatever it is, I think the general course of action for disassociating with anyone is letting them know the cause for disassociation, giving them closure, and allowing distance between you and the other party while not being an arse about it.
I hope you found this MyTake interesting, and I also hope that it proves helpful for someone down the road. If any of you readers have suggestions, disagreements, or anything to say or comment, leave an opinion!
Otherwise, Have a good day!
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