Friends With Benefits. It's DOABLE!!


So during a long humdrum day at work, I received a call from a friend of mine. She was horribly upset because of a guy she has been “dating.” She wants a relationship with him but he doesn't seem to want anything more than sex.

Usually, as a best friend, I would just tell her to leave him alone and that everything is going to be okay and coddle her like a baby. In this situation, I couldn't because she has been dealing with this guy back and forth for well over a year now. She was starting to sound like me, crying over a dude using her and not being honest from the beginning, and only taking her side. I know the guy, were all mutual friends so I decided to ask him honestly what is going on between them and why she’s so upset. Normally, I don't get in squabbles but I honestly was tired of them going back and forth through me so I had to see what was going on. He told me that he kept telling her over and over again that he didn't want a relationship and she said she was okay with being friends with benefits.

I learned two lessons after that conversation one, get ALL sides of the story before making judgments. The second lesson I learned was a little more complex.

A lot of people argue that friends with benefits don't work because one person will catch feelings or that one person leads the other person on. I’m here to say friends with benefits CAN work. I don't mean every situation because it does depend on the people involved and the nature of the situation. I know not all of them are going to end up in a relationship like the Justin Timberlake and Mila Kunis movie. I mean it can work given the right circumstances.

Say you meet a girl/guy and you like them, and they tell you instantly that they aren’t looking for a relationship and they just want to have fun. THAT is the time where you decide to pursue friends with benefits or not. THAT VERY MOMENT! Is where you decide to be friends with benefits or not! Not three years later when you are still getting nothing but sex from this person and you decide you want a relationship and end up frustrated and upset when you don't get what you want. Whether you want to admit it or not, that person IS being honest with you. YOU decided to stay around hoping to change the person’s mind. You can't change people, and you can't make someone be in a relationship with you. Giving up your lady or man parts isn't going to make the person want a relationship, no matter how good it is.

Example, I was sleeping with a guy for about three years and refused to look at the red flags because I liked him so much. He kept telling me that he wasn't looking for a relationship but he liked being friends and he liked having sex with me I liked him so much and I kept wanting more even though he was honestly telling me the truth. I kept hurting myself thinking that he would change his mind and eventually want to be with me. When I realized he wouldn't I got upset with him and constantly nagged at him about how much he hurt and used me. Instead of being mad at myself for being blinded by his awesome moves in bed, I was mad at him. We did stop speaking, but for other reasons.

Unfortunately, a lot of people have a huge problem with being honest about what they want. A lot of people chose to be manipulative and tell you the exact opposite to get what they want. Obviously, it’s pathetic. There is no need to lie about wanting to be friends with benefits. If you’re into someone sexually and you tell them you want to be friends with benefits and they tell you they’re not into that. LEAVE IT AT THAT! Yeah, it may suck because you want to bang that person, but there are millions of men and women in the world that are open to friends with benefits and are very appreciative of straightforward honesty. If you tell a girl/guy you love them and want to be with them, and all the lovey-dovey stuff just to get sex, you run into a load of problems. You’re not being honest, one, and two, you start getting annoyed after you had sex with this person and they are “acting like you are in a relationship.” Had you been honest from the beginning, you wouldn’t have this issue.

Friends with benefits is not a bad thing, but not everyone can do it. There is nothing wrong with that either. If friends with benefits is what you want then go for it. You just have to BE HONEST (can't say that enough) from the beginning and set some boundaries. I am glad to report that I am still friends with an friends with benefits. He’s married with children now and we don't even mention the things that happened with us because there is no need to. There was no relationship, just sex nothing more. We set boundaries, we were honest. It also helped that during the time, neither one of us wanted a relationship at the time but we were both wanted to bang.

It’s simple, know what you want and be honest about it. If you want an friends with benefits be honest about it up front! If you are approached by someone who wants an friends with benefits and you’re not down with that, DON’T SAY OK IF YOU REALLY DON'T MEAN IT! If you are approached by someone who is feeding you the lovey-dovey but, unfortunately, you fell for it and they start saying stuff like "we’re not in a relationship” after you guys had sex (Reread if you don't understand). RUN! Leave him/her alone, run for the hills and find someone who wants a relationship! Any sign of inconsistent bullshit, RUN! If you’re the one who wants an friends with benefits and your person of choice wants more or has caught feelings, leave the situation, but do it with dignity. It is already sucky for them because they will feel that you lead them on (whether you were honest about it or not) don't add salt to the wounds by being an asshole/bitch.

Friends With Benefits. It's DOABLE!!

Friends With Benefits. It's DOABLE!!
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Most Helpful Guy

  • Tdieseler
    Hahahahaha... I've gotta give this a thumbs up and i dont thumbs up many things, especially female posts... its usually biased and mainly stupid... but this... lol... i got educated from this...
    lol... " they just want to have fun. THAT is the time where you decide to pursue friends with benefits or not. THAT VERY MOMENT! Is where you decide to be friends with benefits or not!"
    omg.. preach it sister. Sigh... its so sad that many women can't open their eyes... hell even you couldn't with that one guy, just accepting friends with benefits in the HOPES that it will turn to something else... i guess now you know better huh lol
    Very good Take...
    Is this still revelant?
    • LolaB28

      Are you ACTUALLY agreeing with me? Are we having a moment? :)

    • Tdieseler

      weird how that happens huh lol... i agree with a lot of Takes, regardless of who wrote it.

    • LolaB28

      Ah, true.

    • Show All

Most Helpful Girl

  • PurpleTeardrops2
    I agree. Friends w/ benefits can actually work as long as the individuals know themselves and are able to handle pleasure without strings attached.

    Years before, I'd be the last person to want a fuckbuddy, but it's actually been pretty great for me.

    There's so many fine men at my campus, I can get my kitty fed and not worry about arguing over who's paying for dinner. (they always do though if we hang lol)
    Is this still revelant?
    • LolaB28

      You sounds like me on a good day.

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What Girls & Guys Said

  • AriadneSky
    One thing is certain. Any two people going back and forth fit a year you know fur sure one it both are not being honest. Honest people do not go back and forth. they go forward or go away. Just the fact she was complaining about it for so long proved she's playing games with herself if not him.

    friends with benefits is dating. It's what people used to call dating. Sometimes it goes further sometimes it dors not.

    The supposed premise of no one feeling anything is delusional. Saying you refuse to develop feelings is as absurd as insisting you will not. The person who wants more or wants less are no more in control of how they will feel than the other.

    Feelings develop -so what. It's what you do about it that will matter.

    I think elope who obsess over calling it friends with benefits eager than dating just like the feeling of power it gives them. As if giving it one title or another they can control people including themselves.

    What you do is what you do nsnes don't change it. If you just want sex then just have sex. I think calling it fancy nsnes helps people delude themselves.

    The guy who does not wants that ion ship yet had been involved with your friend for a year-- he's full of shit. If he did not want anything seeing how she feels - bc why would she have to keep insisting she just wanted friends with benefits unless it seemed she wanted more-- he'd fuck off. He chooses to continue relations.

    Your friend who is reiestedky do hurt by him not wanting to commit is also full of shit. She knows his deal she's been their long enough.

    They are dating but not in a way she likes, If she wants better quality she will leave. She enjoys being miserable and hoping it will improve.

    They are both addicted to their illusions, in my opinion they deserve each other.

    Any kind of relation works if you work it. No one suddenly created any dynamic thus decade. People have beenhiokjg up having hook ups casual sex friends with benefits having polyamiry polygamy polyandry bisexual trisexual oansexuak demi sexual bindings based marriage based -- whatever kind if relations you can imagine they've been had for millions of years. Nothinng new under the sun.

    Discovering something and having an opinion on it dies not jean you invented it. People talk about friends with benefits as if it's something they made that works it does not work.

    It's nothing new as sex is nothing new. Things work when you want them to work and make an effort. The fact it sometimes dies not work is no mire significant than any relationship that sometimes dies not work--which is most.
    • LolaB28

      Well, I agree that they are both idiots, but that's on them. I have hooked up with guys and didn't develop any feelings for them whatsoever other than just being friends.

  • 10dsw
    This is actually a really good post. One thing I have noticed with some girls I have dated in the past is that you can tell them the same thing over and over again and they will twist it, or create some sort of denial and believe that denial. Of course when it doesn't come true, stories like your story take place.

    There are men out there that are certainly guilty of this too. Anyhow I think it's really smart that you got both sides of the story.
    • LolaB28

      I went through this too so I get both sides.

  • Prof_Don
    You're spot-on about honesty being the key factor. Too many people are afraid to be straight-up about wanting a casual sex only arrangement.

    friends with benefits would work SO much better if everyone involved is upfront.
    • LolaB28

      Also, people have to read between the lines and stop trying to change the situation.

    • LolaB28

      I used to be afraid of it because I didn't want to be called a whore, but now not so much lol I look at things a little differently now.

    • Prof_Don

      I'm glad you're no longer worried or ashamed about your sexuality. U find a hookup partner yet? :)

    • Show All
  • akadatank44
    I always say they can't work because someone will catch the feels because it's true but I also know it can work. Its like open relationships. I only believe a small fraction of people can make it work and not have issues. Not too many however.
    • LolaB28

      Yeah, it is rare but I think a lot of people don't read between the lines.

  • Browneye57
    Besides that, It's a disgustingly cheap thing for a woman to do. She may as well be charging for it, that's the only difference between here and her whore girlfriend - SHE'S DOING IT AND GETTING PAID!!
    • LolaB28

      It irks me that girls get called a whore because she wants casual sex. She's doing what she wants to do. Why does that matter to you?

    • Browneye57

      It doesn't. In fact, try to imagine how little I care.
      But, I hope you like cats, cuz that's what your relationships will be down the road here a bit. You just can't see it now cuz you're 'doing what you want to do'. In about ten years you'll think back and say, "Hmmm... this must be what that ol' guy was talking about. I just can't find anyone decent, where have all the good men gone?" Or not. :)

    • LolaB28

      LMAO okay if you say so. I'd rather be alone than be in a relationship where I'm constantly being treated like and atm and having guys lie to me and tell me they're single when they're not. I love worrying about if my partner is cheating or not and if he actually does love me, yeah that's fun! Yeah being in a relationship is just so great! :D

    • Show All
  • Truthatanycost
    The simple reason why friends with benefits will not work most of the time is because no matter what you say, you CANNOT control your natural emotions. You can't decide to stay casual, you can't decide not to develop deeper feelings, and you can't decide whether the other person will, or will not.

    All of the rationalizations in the world won't change anything. We are not robots, we are human beings with much more depth than most of our actions in this hookup culture gives us credit for.

    .. brotip 47... is a rationalization...

    • LolaB28

      Well, speak for yourself. I've had sex with guys and developed no feelings whatsoever other than just being friends.

  • sexcrazy12
    I love the idea of seeing it as helping your friend get an orgasm. in fact, it is the way I see it as well, helping a friend out.
    • LolaB28

      LOL that's the best way to look at it.

    • sexcrazy12

      pity one or two of the friends did not see it that way, they decided against the idea. lol

    • LolaB28

      Well, that's their choice if they don't want to do that lol. I was mainly discussing the people who have a hard time knowing when to leave a situation that you don't want. The ones who do the friends with benefits in hopes it will turn into something more and have a hard time looking in between the lines and being honest from the beginning.

  • Pizzalover101
    I think if every 1 friends with benefits was a great idea then we have more studs cuz a friends with benefits had no commitment to you so he or she can still have sex on the side it's not same as seeing sum 1 most who see sum 1 don't cheat it's only 1 who has been use to hooking up that does this usely s jerk or jerkett
  • 0112358
    All this is good, but I think people also need to recognize up front that you can't actually decide before hand not to fall for someone. It can happen regardless. And you'll have to accept its probably not mutual, and end it, and feel hurt, and move on. And if you don't want that risk, don't get into friends with benefits regardless.
    • LolaB28

      I don't know about everyone else, but after that last guy I mentioned, I have been able to have friends with benefits without catching any feelings at all.

    • 0112358

      That's good that it works for you. I realized after I wrote this it sort of sounded like 'oh you'll all get the feels'. No, not everyone will. People need to be honest with themselves. ANd not pretend that 'deciding' not to have feelings means you won't. You gotta be honest with yourself.

    • LolaB28

      That's true.

  • Lman3000
    I give on this country people here in america are just so freaking blind and stupid when it comes to dating they treat it like a game it's why I've been single for 6 years and probably will before I even think about trying to find woman every where it's all where friends with benefits and spend all your time with me or were over I hate dating now and I'm better off being single in my own opinion fuck this shit
    • LolaB28

      I've been single for six years too. I've done relationships and all that came from that was being used and treated like an atm. So I would rather have a friends with benefits because I don't have to worry about anything like that anymore. That's fine if you disagree with that but chill with the animosity will ya? Just because someone doesn't believe in what you believe it doesn't make them "blind" they just have a different view on things. With an attitude like yours, you're bound to be single for another six. Have a nice day :)

    • Lman3000

      Yeah probably thanks a lot mate I'm not gonna lie I really don't care about being single or in a relationship I am also sorry for what ya went through I can understand how that feels anyway I meant no offense to what you believe this is just what I'm feeling but hey if I sound like an asshole sorry I was just sharing my thoughts you have a nice day as well have with your friends with benefits be lucky you got some type of excitement than I do

    • yaanis

      Im from Europe but ye, people dosnt know how to date and talk about relationships, i also dosnt know how to date quiz my ideas ar a bit different of main stream. Fuck budy is great stuff, but for fuck buddy to work bouth realy needs to be open about them selves, and know there own minds

  • selmo93
    Well I dont get how this explains how it works?
    As yes you should be honest what you want.
    But being friends with benefits might be what you want at the start. But people do change their minds...
    • LolaB28

      Yeah, you can be in a friends with benefits arrangement and change your mind and catch feelings but if the other person's mind won't change, and it's pretty common then LEAVE THAT PERSON ALONE! Not hard to decipher at all. That's what people are having a hard time with, knowing when to leave instead of being in denial.

  • BraveHeart97
    Naaah, I love treating women like objects and see how they fall in love with me. I love seeing women become bitter like you and break the hearts of men who genuinely do want to be in a relationship with you. Ah, the cycle of love, deception, and betrayal. What better dramatic "love" story is there?
    • LolaB28

      I'm bitter because I'm okay with being friends with benefits? LMFAO!!!

    • LolaB28

      The guys that genuinely wanted a relationship with me were just full of shit. Each and every one of them. So I would rather have an friends with benefits arrangement then to be in a relationship wondering if the person really loves me and isn't just using me for money or a place to stay or any other materialistic bullshit. friends with benefits means I can so whatever I want with whoever I want. I don't have to share anything and I don't have to answer to anyone. Some people enjoy living that way, doesn't make them bitter. Have a nice day :)

    • I'm sorry that happened to you. I've been in two relationships which I thought was genuine but then they cheated on me. Women can be just as bad as men if not worse when it comes to these things. My point is maybe toxic relationships isn't worth the reason to turn to casual sex.

    • Show All
  • Ghassan2
    Friends with benefits. It's disgusting. It's wrong.