So during a long humdrum day at work, I received a call from a friend of mine. She was horribly upset because of a guy she has been “dating.” She wants a relationship with him but he doesn't seem to want anything more than sex.
Usually, as a best friend, I would just tell her to leave him alone and that everything is going to be okay and coddle her like a baby. In this situation, I couldn't because she has been dealing with this guy back and forth for well over a year now. She was starting to sound like me, crying over a dude using her and not being honest from the beginning, and only taking her side. I know the guy, were all mutual friends so I decided to ask him honestly what is going on between them and why she’s so upset. Normally, I don't get in squabbles but I honestly was tired of them going back and forth through me so I had to see what was going on. He told me that he kept telling her over and over again that he didn't want a relationship and she said she was okay with being friends with benefits.
I learned two lessons after that conversation one, get ALL sides of the story before making judgments. The second lesson I learned was a little more complex.
A lot of people argue that friends with benefits don't work because one person will catch feelings or that one person leads the other person on. I’m here to say friends with benefits CAN work. I don't mean every situation because it does depend on the people involved and the nature of the situation. I know not all of them are going to end up in a relationship like the Justin Timberlake and Mila Kunis movie. I mean it can work given the right circumstances.
Say you meet a girl/guy and you like them, and they tell you instantly that they aren’t looking for a relationship and they just want to have fun. THAT is the time where you decide to pursue friends with benefits or not. THAT VERY MOMENT! Is where you decide to be friends with benefits or not! Not three years later when you are still getting nothing but sex from this person and you decide you want a relationship and end up frustrated and upset when you don't get what you want. Whether you want to admit it or not, that person IS being honest with you. YOU decided to stay around hoping to change the person’s mind. You can't change people, and you can't make someone be in a relationship with you. Giving up your lady or man parts isn't going to make the person want a relationship, no matter how good it is.
Example, I was sleeping with a guy for about three years and refused to look at the red flags because I liked him so much. He kept telling me that he wasn't looking for a relationship but he liked being friends and he liked having sex with me I liked him so much and I kept wanting more even though he was honestly telling me the truth. I kept hurting myself thinking that he would change his mind and eventually want to be with me. When I realized he wouldn't I got upset with him and constantly nagged at him about how much he hurt and used me. Instead of being mad at myself for being blinded by his awesome moves in bed, I was mad at him. We did stop speaking, but for other reasons.
Unfortunately, a lot of people have a huge problem with being honest about what they want. A lot of people chose to be manipulative and tell you the exact opposite to get what they want. Obviously, it’s pathetic. There is no need to lie about wanting to be friends with benefits. If you’re into someone sexually and you tell them you want to be friends with benefits and they tell you they’re not into that. LEAVE IT AT THAT! Yeah, it may suck because you want to bang that person, but there are millions of men and women in the world that are open to friends with benefits and are very appreciative of straightforward honesty. If you tell a girl/guy you love them and want to be with them, and all the lovey-dovey stuff just to get sex, you run into a load of problems. You’re not being honest, one, and two, you start getting annoyed after you had sex with this person and they are “acting like you are in a relationship.” Had you been honest from the beginning, you wouldn’t have this issue.
Friends with benefits is not a bad thing, but not everyone can do it. There is nothing wrong with that either. If friends with benefits is what you want then go for it. You just have to BE HONEST (can't say that enough) from the beginning and set some boundaries. I am glad to report that I am still friends with an friends with benefits. He’s married with children now and we don't even mention the things that happened with us because there is no need to. There was no relationship, just sex nothing more. We set boundaries, we were honest. It also helped that during the time, neither one of us wanted a relationship at the time but we were both wanted to bang.
It’s simple, know what you want and be honest about it. If you want an friends with benefits be honest about it up front! If you are approached by someone who wants an friends with benefits and you’re not down with that, DON’T SAY OK IF YOU REALLY DON'T MEAN IT! If you are approached by someone who is feeding you the lovey-dovey but, unfortunately, you fell for it and they start saying stuff like "we’re not in a relationship” after you guys had sex (Reread if you don't understand). RUN! Leave him/her alone, run for the hills and find someone who wants a relationship! Any sign of inconsistent bullshit, RUN! If you’re the one who wants an friends with benefits and your person of choice wants more or has caught feelings, leave the situation, but do it with dignity. It is already sucky for them because they will feel that you lead them on (whether you were honest about it or not) don't add salt to the wounds by being an asshole/bitch.