Family & Friends

You Can Make Friends As An Adult

You Can Make Friends As An Adult

Let me just be clear and upfront before you begin to moan and groan about this...YES...I agree that making friends as adult vs. as a kid "can be" ten times harder. You aren't forced to all be in the same place all the time, people get busy with kids, lives, spouses, and with technology, it's even harder, because people don't have to leave and go and seek out new people if they truly don't want to.

If you are indeed struggling to make friends as an adult, try this assessment to see if there is something you have yet to try.

1. Where can friends find you?

Why do you expect that friends will just find you, especially if you are at home most of the time locked away from society. The world, people, potential friends are out there, not inside in your personal space. Step one is to start by going where the people are.

2. What about your old friends?

You Can Make Friends As An Adult

Remember when you did have a ton or at least more friends in high school/college? And then what happened? Don't just say it's everyone elses fault but your own. A friendship is a two way street. Why work harder to find new friends, when you can actually go the easier route and attempt to rekindle old friendships. Maybe you drifted apart because they now have kids and you don't, or you got busy with your new job, or you just stopped texting them. Well, start over. Invite them to lunch or actually make real efforts to hang out with them and make it clear you really do miss your old friendship. This is one of those things you don't want to regret in life, which is the, "what if I had only tried a little harder with our friendship."

3. Are you approachable?

(Me scanning the room)...guy smiling, girl laughing, you in a dark corner standing with your back to a wall on your phone...hmm, hmm, hmmm who looks like I want to attempt to talk to them. Being the extrovert isn't everyone's thing (I get that, I'm an introvert myself), but when you put up barriers like being away from the crowd and head down on your phone, you're sending signals that you don't want to be approached even if you aren't the one that wants to do the approaching.

4. Have you tried anything new in the past year?

You Can Make Friends As An Adult

So you can't seem to find friends, but yet, you've changed nothing about your situation and are expecting different results. If you can't find them at work, you can't find them in school, you can't find friends at the grocery store, go elsewhere and try something new. Joining a group or an adult sports team, or other interest group can be a good way to broaden your horizons and find people who have similar interests to you. You are not the only one who is looking for friends. Don't forget that.

5. Are you coming on too strong?

Say you've actually managed to meet a few people...good for you...but then they soon disappear like the wind. What happened? Maybe it's you. Sometimes in our eagerness and crippling desperation for something, anything to work out, we come off too strong in both the dating world and in friendship acquisition. Day one, try to keep it light and get to know that person. If all you do is talk endlessly about yourself and what you want and where you went to school and why you think the world is flat (it's not, we've talked about this already) you may be scaring off the natives. It's not all about you. People want to feel important and like you believe they matter, but if you make your conversations all about you, it's off putting and boring for those that would have liked to get in a word edge wise.

6. Are you even available?

You Can Make Friends As An Adult

Remember that work invite function thing, and that surprise birthday party thing, and that party you were supposed to go to, but cancelled last minute...after a while, the invites stop coming. People figure, you're not going to show up because either you always have an excuse or you cancel or flake on people all the time. You know who hates flakes? Everyone. You become a waste of time and energy to people if you never make time for anyone but yourself and your wants and needs. Friendship requires that all parties involved respect each others time, respect that you may sometimes do stuff only because the other person(s) want to/like doing it, and that you show up and act like you care.

7. Have you played all your cards?

Do you have kids? An ability to cook a five course gourmet meal? A sweet band you play in on weekends? Do you have the worlds most adorablest puppy? USE THEM TO YOUR ADVANTAGE. These can be your ins into the world of making new friends. Set up a play date, offer to cook, invite people to see you play, "accidentally" have your pooch run into the guy/gal on your walk around the dog park. Get creative!!!! Also be observant: if the woman in front of you has a bag with company you used to work for on it, ask her if she works there and tell her, you used to, and then blah, blah, you've got a conversation going. If the guy in your office has a mug with your fav band on it, say no way, you listen to so and so. I've been to all their concerts...and off you go.

8. Are you really even trying?

You Can Make Friends As An Adult

It's easy to say, "it's hard to make friends," and believe that to be true and then just do nothing because trying is too hard in your mind. A lot of people fall into that trap. Stop blaming the world for your situation and make real efforts. You cannot be upset if all you've done is complain. It's a self defeating prophecy.

Bonus: Is your new buddy really interested in friendship?

Not all attempts to make new friends will end in success. Such is life, but in order to save you time on those who are serious about wanting to follow through and those that aren't, follow this rule.

You: It was really great talking with you, we should hang out sometime.

Them: Yeah, this was nice, we should hang out.

You: Are you free next weekend to go to Jen's thing?

Them: Maybe, I'll see. Well, you know, it was good talking to you, see you later.

So, what's missing there...you've made no definite plans and there has been no exchange of information. How do you contact this person, where will you actually see them again? Maybe was not an actual yes. You don't want to be super insistent that you nail down a time and place, but at the very least, people who are serious about wanting to hang out will give you a way to contact them and will talk in more definite terms like, "Friday after work, I'm free," vs. "I might be free, don't know when though." This isn't a hard an fast rule that works every single time for everybody, but really think about the times you have wanted to hang out with someone...you set a time and place and date and you follow through vs. speak in a vague non-committal tone because you're already not going to hang out.

You Can Make Friends As An Adult
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