Hope - Good or Bad?

People say ‘If’ is the biggest word in the dictionary. Recently I have found a new one ‘Hope’ which to me is even bigger.

Hope - Good or Bad?

Recently I have found dating to become difficult. In my mid-thirties it is already a bit of a nightmare as the ‘perfect’ candidates are hard to come by. I have no problem dating a man with kids but there are potential pitfalls with jealous children, jealous ex’s, etc that I would rather stay clear.

I met a man who ticked all my ‘perfect’ boxes recently and created more boxes I never knew existed. We went on a date and got on really well, we went on our second and it was even better. By the time the 3rd came around (which he arranged part way through dinner on the 2nd) he cancelled.

I didn’t and still do not understand why this is. We got on well, we were both grinning for days afterwards and so I looked to his reason as to why we did not go on the 3rd date. Well firstly he assumed (we all know what people say about assuming!) I wanted something serious right away and while I really liked him and quite frankly he blew me away, I still did not know how we would continue to get on or if we would become anything. I do not rush into relationships these days with a failed marriage behind me by my late 20’s! He also said he had been thinking (here is a piece of good news because rarely when a man thinks does it work out well for the woman) and he was not 100% and he thought he should be. WHY?! IT WAS AFTER 2 DATES! So it got me to thinking what is actually behind this.

I know what most of you are thinking, girl is in denial and can’t admit he just isn’t that into her. Well I am sure you can already see I have a personality and I have a heart of gold which is sufficient to allow for me to be picky. I am also a retired model who looks about 24 and have the legs, body, hair and face girls hate me for when they see me. I wish they didn’t and realised it is often a curse but there you go. I didn’t come on too strong, I wasn’t too distant, everything was just right to a point where it was easy. You know the sort? You are on a date and conversation is as easy as breathing, you laugh and create inside jokes from the start. You just click click click and what’s more is there was a huge physical spark too.

So what is his problem? Well lets see… Is it possible for this:

He doesn’t want to risk jumping out the plane and the parachute not opening. See when we fall for someone we all take the jump and hope it will work out ok. Has he simply lost hope? Does he not have hope because of me? Does he realise how much I am hoping he will change his mind and realise what he is missing? Does he hope I will move on? See this word is always there…. Hope.

It used to be a positive word but now I am not so sure… it is negatively impacting my life. Well all I can do is hope he changes his mind, hope he comes back and hope he realises that he can trust me enough to have hope he will survive the fall. Surely he realises that it is too late to stop the jump, he is already mid air but he is putting holes in his parachute?


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Most Helpful Guy

  • It's simple: around the age of 35 the tables turn. Women become desperate and thirsty while men become the choosers. What you're experiencing is pretty much what dating is like for a younger man: getting rejected over insignificant things (like your name or the brand of your shoes), or because she feels like she wants to have some more fun before committing, is very common.

    Right now you're the equivalent of the 16-year old boy (you even sound like a "nice guy") who has a crush on the prettiest girl in class. You still have to learn to adjust your expectations, learn game and assertiveness, and work on your attractiveness in all facets.

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    • Lol no I'm really not. Let me follow you and see if you think that's true...

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    • Lol no I think you are missing my point here. I can date and have most men I want. I just want this one in a way I have never wanted anyone else. It was like that when we met and even now.

Most Helpful Girl

  • Yikes in this context it can be loaded. I think the best advice is keep on foot on the ground when dating and make no assumptions.

    Each date stands on its own. You can have a great first and no so great second date. This happens a lot I think.

    Hope going into a first or second or even sometimes third date is the wrong adjective to use and mindset.

    So when I used to date a lot I'd usually set drinks for first dates after yoga. I'm calm and centered with no expectationsother than feeling curious and happy at the opportunity to meet someone new and just convo.

    Goal for me was to walk away with no hurt feelings on either side l, positive experience and clear indicators of nice meeting you or so what's your week look like next week.

    Set multiple first dates up for the month even if you maybe already have a second date going. After a third I usually chill on the new prospects I don't have obligations to.

    Hope in the way you use it isn't quite realistic and will cause burn out. I've seen it in some guys and it is also kind of a weird feeling to be opposite of. They've had a bunch of bad dates and now they are piling all these hopes on you and not even listening to who you are or what you are saying.

    There is no bonding. They are just thinking wow she has a good job, she's attractive, intelligent...

    You can't develop rapport when someone is looking at you through those lenses. By the end of date two or three I usually share something as does he that is personal on the embarrassing side of we are really getting along.

    When it comes to dating, especially in the beginning it's about simply enjoying that one isolated date. No thoughts of a future before at least 3 months and seeing each other on work nights at home cooking and what not.

    The guys I've like the most weren't perfect on the first date. More comfortable of the second. And open up on 3-5 because you are building something.

    It's easy for guys to charm you off your feet on the first few dates and be very wary. Charming is about them not you. They don't even know you yet. First and second dates are about finding out about each other. Not being mister or misses show stopper.

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Join the discussion

What Guys Said 25

  • Realistic hope is the best you can have.
    Don't hope for miracles.

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    • I don't ever hope for miracles, I rarely hope at all which is why this my take was so important for me...

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    • You can have a relationship without marriage.

    • Exactly

  • True hope is good yes. You have to be doing everything within your power to achieve it tho. Just having hope doesn't mean much.

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  • Intriguing

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  • Hope is good. "A little more persistence, a little more effort, and what seemed hopeless failure may turn to glorious success." -Elbert Hubbard "Let your hopes, not your hurts, shape your future." Robert H. Schuller

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  • Way off in la-la -land, this one...

    The moral of the story is, DON'T SQUANDER YOUR YOUTH.

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    • Hmm how is it being squandered?

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    • Why did you leave that part out?

      And the way you describe yourself I can see guys running away as fast as they can. [shrug]
      Do you really not get it?

    • Wow a bit of an arse are we?

  • Maybe guys are just wary of committing to women because we are sick of doing all the work and taking on most of the risk while paying for all of it.

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    • But the good women don't expect that. Only girls do

    • I'll need a reminder of where those good women are at because they seem to be few and far between.

  • You should hope for the best and prepare for the worst.

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  • Hope is bad

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  • Bad..

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  • Hope is the tool of the Devil according to the scriptures.

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    • What? Hope has almost never been the tool of the devil unless you view God as the devil for some reason. The tools of the Devil are self-doubt, discouragement, and lies. Not hope (I am not going to say that it isn't a tool, but it is not one of his main ones by far). God encourages hope so it must have some positive value.

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    • it depends what you put your hope in. There is a difference between putting your hope in God and putting your hope in a guy/girl you just met.

    • you obviously didn't read the scriptures

  • If we didn't have hope what would be the point of getting up in the morning? Optimism , Hope and drive for a better world are what keep me motivated.

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  • Its both, hope is what helps us live life, but hope is what forces us to suffer expecting somthing to comeout of it

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  • It hurt to hope, so I turned my back on it.

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  • Hope is always a good feeling

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  • Hope can always be a positive word, it's just a matter of perspective.

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  • If you believe in God, you must believe in hope. But not without proper action.

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  • goood

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  • he was too good for you. and realised it. smart boy. he owes you nothing dont get so butthurt.

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  • Hope is good if it's realistic. false hopes are just delusion.

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  • Thats cool lol

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What Girls Said 14

  • I'm in my 40s definitely not easy to date. last few guys just don't want to commit. right now I found a great guy who right now seems afraid to commit but I am hoping with time and patience he realizes that we could have so much together.

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    • I'm hoping (there is that word again) that mine will also realise but they so often don't 😔

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    • I dont know much about being in my 40s but I know finding someone to date , new friends or even that just wanted a fling was all much easyer in collage.

  • Hold
    On
    Pain
    Ends

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  • Maybe it's fear? When you don't know if you should do something like start a relationship because you have fears. Hope is a good thing, you hope for the best but you are cautious of fear and choose good decisions that you don't have as much fear about.

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  • I feel it's good to have hope in certain situations. If it's common sense that something is going to turn out a certain way, there's not point in it. Though human always hold on to hope. I tell people "You gotta have hope".

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  • If is the bigges lie. If i was younger if it was yesterday, if I didn't make that decision,... etc. Hope is what really matters.

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  • Pretty deep, wish all the best to you tho

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  • Hope is focusing or living in future possibilities and therefore forgetting the present moment. In Buddhism to live in hope is not good. It means you forget what is right in front of you. :)

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  • when the person have lost hope, the person does not want long term commitment or marriage. He is doing you a favor, he knew he was not right fit for what you wanted.

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  • Good thing but you should also be realistic

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  • Hope itself is excellent. It's what keeps people going day after day in even the hardest circumstances.

    When you pin your hopes on utterly unrealistic things, that can be a problem. But hope itself? Hope, in and of itself, is one of the most positive human motivators.

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  • Oh my so self serving. Hope indeed

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  • It can be good but being too hopeful might be bad

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  • you can die mny times if you lose your hope, for me, it is the reason that i am still alive.

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  • Definitely pros and cons. But I think it's mostly a good thing

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