Let me just tell you something about myself, I really hate drama. I usually just watch them happen cause my college friends have thousands of dramas in their life. I was a fashion student and I can assure you if we were to make series out of our college life, there'll be more episodes on "Keeping Up with the Fashion Design Students" than Keeping Up with The Kardashian; that much drama. But this one time, on my relationship to be exactly, I was the one with the drama.
HOW WE MET
Let's use the initial D for this guy (not just because it's the initial of "Di*k" which describes him, but also because his name really starts with letter D). D reached out to me through Instagram DM. I usually never reply DMs in Instagram but he caught my interest; not because of his face or his feed, but because of what he told me.
Unlike other guys, the first sentence he sent me was how good my drawings are and how beautiful the dresses I made. His DM came when I was on my way back from a boring blind date with a guy from tinder, and being praised for what I do instead of how I look, really flattered me; so I replied him. The next few days we texted each other non stop and eventually decided to have a lunch date. Fast forward, the lunch date was amazing. He brought me flowers, he dressed well, smelled good, good sense of humor, took me home and at the end of the date I found out, he was also a great kisser. I was quickly drawn to him, and this was my first mistake.
HOW I SHOULD'VE KNOWN I SHOULD STEP THE FUCK BACK
D told me he was not fond of marriage because his parents divorced when he was six. He was raised by his grandparents and seldom saw his mother. His father on the other hand, never visited him at all. I can understand this and I didn't see why that should bother me at all since I'm so young and have no intention to marry anytime soon, so I was totally on board for a relationship with him.
Upon our second date however, he told me via text, that he was married once, and was actually waiting for the court to seal the divorce. The reason was simple, D and his wife were too different and they fought everyday, so they decided to divorce. He also told me, in the past, he had some problems with violent act and had to deal with the court quite often. My heart sunk and I should've known then, that he was trouble. But I didn't listen to my gut, and my brain obviously, I still wanted to be together with him because at that time, it was the first time I liked someone so much after a long time. In short, I told him it's okay, I was glad he was honest to me and I accepted him for his not-so-good history. I believed he had changed into a better person.
HOW THE RELATIONSHIP WENT
We had sex every weekend. I'd come over to his place in the morning (which is like one hour using public transportation) with "going to work in college" as an excuse to my parents. He never picked me up and I always thought to myself that that's okay, because I don't like to be pampered either and I prefer to do things by myself.
I'd go home around 11 pm from his place, and he never took me home either. Sometimes I'd use uber to go home but most of the times I used bus, which I remember one time I was quite scared to go home by myself because it was late and 2 days before that particular day, there was a stranger following me (seriously, I had to go and hide in the nearest train station's toilet for around an hour). But I was afraid to ask him to take me home because he said he was tired; so I went home with extreme cautious (or paranoia). We went on dates sometimes, but because he was busy with work, I didn't want to tire him, so the frequency of us going out was much lesser than the frequency of us having sex in the weekend. I became more obsessed with him because he started to reply my text every few hours in a day. He could go missing for 2 days, unreachable, and the next day he'd explain he just didn't feel like connecting to other people so he turned off his phone. He'd give flirty comments on other girls' photos in facebook and when I confronted him about it, he kept assuring me they're just his friends and he only liked me romantically. I'd fight with my parents and my sister (because they didn't like him) almost everyday. I remember when I was with him (4 months into the relationship), every night, I'd go to sleep crying because I felt like I worked so hard to make the relationship works, but I just don't see him trying. I told him I don't like him smoking but he never even tried to stop. Instead of feeling secure, I was way more insecure about how I look after he mentioned that I should've waxed and after he told me "your skin doesn't look like you're young. You have cellulite and breakouts".
I wasn't happy, but when I was with him, I forgot all the pain. He'd let me down, but I always told myself "It's okay, I'm not mad, he's just.. still learning to be a better person. You just have to be there for him". Until one day, my worst fear came true.
HOW IT ALL ENDED
In total, we were together for 9 months. I woke up that day, on Thursday, eager to read his good morning text after he went missing the day before, but to my shock, I saw his profile picture was him holding another girl's hand, with the girl wearing the exact same bracelet I found in his room few months before (he said it was a gift for his friend).
My heart broke, and for a minute, I couldn't process what I saw. I texted him and asked him to tell me the truth, and he told me it's a girl from his work, and that they're trying things out. That was when I realized, I was never somebody special to him, I was just one of many girls he tried, and disposed when he doesn't think it's gonna work out. I was just his sex buddy (though he always said we're not friends with benefits because we had feelings for each other). I cried for 2 days, and many nights after. I was there for him when he was so busy with work and needed encouragement. I was the one who fixed his relationship with his mother, I was the one who woke up in the middle of the night just to check my phone if he texted me and needed someone to talk to (because he seemed to have depression, he often questioned his self worth and thought a lot about how he'd die), how could he do this to me?
And he had to do this to me at the worst time of my life, 3 weeks away from my graduation show, when I was so stressed with my collections.
HOW I MOVED ON
I never got any closure from him so I made my own closure. I packed all the things he gave me and put the box at his doorstep. I was too scared to knock the door, scared I'd see the new girl, or him, and I'd lose my control and cry in front of either one. I didn't block him on any social media, I wanted to know how he is. I'd check on his last seen, his facebook post, how he and his new girl tagged each other, sweet photos of them on instagram; I wanted to know what she has that I don't have. He texted me twice after I gave back his things, I never replied them. I played on the cool and unaffected girl while in real life, I was so crushed. My mother didn't help at all with her "I told you so" speech, but my sister was the only one who helped me moving on. She was the one who helped me dress and fed me when I couldn't function the first 2 days I found out D got a new girl. She'd hug me in the night when I suddenly sobbed from memories.
She kept asking me to go through not only the good memories, but all of them, to start picking out the bad one and compare it with the good one. Make a list, which one has more numbers. It was hard at first, but as weeks went by, it became natural. Everytime I remember something good about us, I'd always look for the bad memory. It became like a game and eventually, they became what they should've been; a history.
WHAT I LEARNED
When something goes wrong, instead of blaming others, try to look back what you did wrong, or what you should've and could've done, but you didn't do.
- My Dad -
I introspect myself, how I was too obsessed with him, how I should've been more honest with him about how I felt instead of always trying to look okay just because I didn't want to tire him. D and I came to an end not just because he was an asshole and didn't treat me right, but also because I was never honest to him about my feelings. I let myself to be played, I chose to look down on myself by letting his words made me feel insecure, I chose to ignore my logic and opinions from people I love because I wanted to have him; I was selfish.
I'm a smart girl. I mean, not to brag, but I did above average in my studies and quick in problem solving stuffs at work. I hate the fact that I became exactly like a girl in from Sex and The City Movie.
Anyway in the end, I learned a valuable lesson. Next time, follow your heart, but don't forget to bring your fuckin brain along the way to prevent extreme and unwanted damage to your heart. The bitter truth is, you shouldn't even begin to hope to change somebody who never show any intention to change. When you fall in love with a baddie or a douchebag or an asshole, whatever, you'll always try to argue with "People can change". Yes, they do, but those who change because they want to is always better than those who change because someone else wants them to. Those who change because they want to, will become nice guys and they'll treat you right. So stop hanging onto these assholes and start giving chance for all the nice guys you've overlooked before; seriously they deserve a shot.
When I have free time, I'll probably write this next:
ODD GUYS I MET ON MY TINDER DATES
All the best for you people out there. Peace out.