Are You Leading Him On?

Are You Leading Him On?

You're not interested in getting a boyfriend. You're busy with life and just don't have time. But your girlfriends convinced you to hit the club. So you're at a table scrolling through your phone, and happen to glace up. Across the room you make eye contact with a guy. You smile, and he takes this as an invite to approach. Now he's talking to you, buying you a drink, and you just wishing he'd leave. Three hours later, he's been by your side the whole time and invites you back to his place. You say no and he's pissed. You mark him down as another man only interested in sex. You complain to your friends that guys think that just because they buy you a drink they think you owe them.

But what if this was your fault?

What if you really were leading him on?

Were you sending mixed signals?

He offered to buy you a drink, you don't owe him anything, right?

Are You Leading Him On?

Many times women send the wrong signals without even intending to. Some women have traits that guys read as "green light". You might not intend to breadcrumb, but maybe you are.

So what are some ways that women do this? These are ways to avoid sending the wrong message (or to send the "green light" if you actually want to).

ex.

You go on date. You really aren't all that interested but in the conversation you say things that hint at a later date. After all you like him, but don't LIKE him, so it would be fun to get together later, just not as a date.

Right now you are hinting at a future relationship. Since you're on a date, he is reading your future "plans" as date invites, not hang outs. So when you tell him it's not going to work, but you want to be friends, he accuses you of leading him on.

And he's right, even if that's not what you intended. Often times we as women don't want to hurt or insult guys, so we are nice, and end up being accused of "playing them".

Are You Leading Him On?

Back to the original club example.

What went wrong here? Well for one you talked to him for three hours. He read this as "Exclusivity". Guys compare your behavior with them, to you behavior with other guys. So when you talk to him exclusively he's gonna think somethings up. If you don't want him to think your interested, work the room.

One of the easiest way for a guy to gauge interest is by buying you a drink. This is something plenty of women will refuse.

So when you say yes, this isn't a sure signal your interested in him, but it's a signal that your not uninterested in him... if a guy offers to buy a second drink, and you accept, this is typically a more sure sign to him.

Oh and by the way even if he buys you 20 drinks, you still wouldn't owe him anything. That's a chance he's taking... but you'd be a vixen to accept if you're not interested


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Most Helpful Guy

  • I wouldn't say that specific example is leading a guy on, but I believe women do lead men on under the guise of "being nice." As a man, I appreciate honesty. If you're not into me, just say you're not interested because ______. But be honest about my reasoning, maybe it's cause I don't have a beard, maybe I remind you of that guy that broke your heart in the 8th grade. Women lie or lead on to be "nice", when in my opinion lying is the cruelest thing you can do. If a man can't accept your HONEST answer, that's a poor reflection on him, not you, but just be honest.

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Most Helpful Girl

  • if you were not interested in talking youd say so when he approached. i dont get how yore on the phone-supposedly- uninterested in anyone then getting free drinks then spending 3 hours with a guy. just say not interested. why is that so hard?

    this was not accidental mixed message this was being oportunist.

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    • no one owes anyone anything he bought you a drink of his own feee will, BUT you were not clear and spent hours with him. so of course he's going to think you're interested. its obnoxious to act blind sided in said situation..

    • Just a side note... This IS a fictional situation :P

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What Guys Said 40

  • Although those are some good points, it's also definitely the case that men all too often see what they want to see when it comes to their perception of potential signals being sent by a woman/confusing friendly behavior for interest and/or attraction.

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  • I think the problem is not so much women sending mixed signals but MEN ASSUMING A GIRL IS INTERESTED JUST BECAUSE SHE IS NICE. This is a very known behavior tha men have and it's dumb to blame women for it. "It's pretty much saying dont be nice because he'll think you want him". Which is stupidn accepting a drink and a conversation doesn't mean she's going home with you and doesn't mean she wan leading you on. Now there are girls who do give lead ons and then back away, because it makes the feel good. But accepting a drink and a conversation is not a. mixed signal, she's been friendly that's all. A mixed signal would be her touching you while chatting, touching your thighs, your arms and your face. Even in this case she's not obligated to go home with you. Although women and men need to be careful with how they interact without h someone, been nice and having a conversation does not mean insinuation, so the problem in this kind if example is not mixed signals, is men assuming she is interested jsut because she is social.

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    • sure it doesn't mean she's interested but its obnoxious.. why take the drink at all. you can talk without accepting free stuff.

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    • You know i never said she owed him anything. I know you know that bc I specifically said she does not. no one owes a person anything bc they choose to offer you a drink.

      i was responding to you calling it an accidental mixed message or her being confused bc he thought she was 'interested' in him. not necessarily sex.

      The scenario was a woman was so uninterested in being where she was, that she was dragged out by her friends reluctantly then stayed glued to her phone. then looked up and accidentally caught the gaze of a guy she was not interested in. this accidental gaze made HIM think he should approach- as if she would rather he not... then the drink... then the hours... then her surprise he thinks they have something when the whole time she wanted him to go away. you did NOT tell a story of a woman who was maybe interested and seeing how it went. THAT is why i said it was obnoxious, bc in the story you depict, she was not interested at any point, and
      all she had to do was

    • when he approached, to let him know she is not interested.

      IF she was maybe interested then that is another story. one you did not write, therefore one i did not respond to. I certainly never said she owed him sex. but there is a lot of behavior between being nice wasting someones time and owing sex.

      if she was maybe'; interested then he was not approaching unwelcome and she was not trying to get rid of him and the whole post should be written differently.

      no one knows for sure if they are interested in a person when they meet them. no crime in that. you talk to a person get to know them and when its not working for you politely excuse yourself. none of this in my opinion should involve free drinks or wasting a persons time , secretly wishing the go away as if they are diseased.. its childish. figure out what you want or dont want and be upfront. does not have to be confusing.

      this all sounded like an unnecessarily circuitous rationalization or getting a drink, its silly.

  • You’re not allowed to say ‘you’re asing for it’ so you say ‘you’re being a vixen.’

    But it you stay with a guy for 3 hours and let him buy you any number of drinks he has a right to be upset when you say no...

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    • Haha I was thinking more along the lines of b*tch... I just usually avoid that word... I'm allowed to say whatever I want wht

  • Most women lead guys on Now days.
    They use men for sexual pleasure.
    And then dump that guy like a bad habit and then marry some nice rich guy after riding the cock carousel and eating the cock buffet.

    Women are cunning.

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  • It doesn't matter that she smiled at him. Once he came over and started to talk, she should have shut him down then if she wasn't interested. A smile is polite, OR it could be an invitation. If she was just being polite, she needed to make that clear. By NOT doing that, she made her own bed.

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  • How about we just start training our kids so future generations stop looking for "signals." Let's stop expecting men to "make the first move." Let's just make everyone equally accountable here. Let's say a guy pics up a "signal" that she might be interested, instead of thinking he needs to do his next moves within his repitoire, he just asks directly. Let's just make our intentions clear from the get go.

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  • I bought a girl a drink just because I wanted to be nice since she was an exchange student. some people read into the little things too much and end up with less. just some hospitality I have tought myself.

    I mean when I go to south america there are many things that you can't buy there but here you get it.

    what I wanna say is a man can pay a drink to a woman for other reasons than interest.

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  • Yeah, buying you a drink, and chatting for a few hours doesn't entitle him to have sex with you.

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  • You meet a lass you chat. Why do you think you are in would you feel the same if it was a guy you got chatting to why isn't so different because she's a lass. As far as leading them on it's more like the guy reading more into it sometimes a drink and a natter is that all it is !!!

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    • This hook up generation, buying a woman a drink or too while conversing is socializing. It does not mean she owes you anything, and it does not mean anything that a females spend 5 minutes or 3 hours talking to you. It could simply be that she enjoys talking with you, it does not mean she is sexually attracted to you.

      I do not know about anyone else, but within 15 minutes I can usually tell if a female is romantically interested in me or is just enjoying the conversation we are having. It is not what a woman says that should clue you in, it is her body language that will tell you if she sees you as having romantic potential.

  • Just makes me glad I will never be dating again !! Hypothetically , if I got a mere hint of disinterest , I would simply walk off and not waste my time. No tolerance for BS !! Pursuing further can have very serious legal and social consequences for a man nowadays , male = rapist in waiting / sex predator , by default. Excellent take by the way , male and female brains are totally differently wired , polar opposites in most respects.

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  • You’re not leading him on BUT, if you wish he’d leave you alone 3 hours earlier you should say so.

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  • Right on.
    Guys communicate overtly. Girls communicate covertly.
    Girls are masters at innuendo and nuance. Guys are awful at it. If you aren't direct and clear, blunt to the point, he JUST DOES NOT GET IT.
    So don't send signals you're interested if you're not. If you're not man-shopping what are you doing in a club in the first place?

    The FI has shoved this harassment thing down everybody's throats. If a guy so much LOOKS at a woman he's a pervert or a 'creep'. Unless he's really good looking or filthy rich - then it's okay.

    Seriously, just be clear on your intentions. Don't lead people on, either gender.

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  • lol

    I don't agree with your thought process.

    signals are always goofy and everyone likes free drink

    and if someone is talking to you for some time, it doesn't give you permission to have sex.

    buying a drink for her doesn't mean buying her

    also she should have thrown some money to compensate for that drink

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    • Everything you said you don't agree with is exactly the what I'm saying.
      I don't think a girl owes anything for a drink... That's what my last statement was

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    • I went with Dom... So I did not talk to a random guy for 3 hours. Lol, no this is not my experience.

    • lol
      ohhhk

      my bad

  • Couldn't agree more. Way too many girls manipulate other guys unconsciously, and wouldn't admit it even if they thought about it.

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  • Women are awful at being upfront. Everything is so nuanced with them. Just say "not interested" in a polite but obvious way.

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  • really feel that a woman is only actually leading a guy on if she's doing it on purpose. (same goes for guys). Like if they tell you they want you and you make a move or ask them out and they immediately start backtracking

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  • Even worse is when she isn't interested but leads you on because she's a mooch.

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  • She could always refuse the drink, but everyone loves free shit.

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    • Yup, nothing wrong with free shit. The problem is that a lot of men are just ot-nay oo-tay ight-bray. Sorry, but when I bought a woman I didn't know at all a drink, I knew that all I was buying was some conversation and company for so long as the drink lasted.

  • I like how there are more male responses than females.

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  • that happens on an off so there's no real proof it's true

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  • All women do is play games with a man's heart

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  • Nice take

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  • Good take thank for sharing

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  • Nice myTake

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  • Fake girls. That's the shit I don't like.

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  • I dont like being led on

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  • Never lead a guy on free drinks aren't worth it

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  • Ouch. :/

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  • Women tend to do just that

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  • İ didn't feel my girlfriend do

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What Girls Said 20

  • Life happens, sometimes you see a cute guy and he offers to buy you a drink, you're not accepting the drink, you're accepting the time spent with his face and his personality. Maybe at the moment, you like one or the other or both, and maybe its something that you genuinely don't like. Some people are brighter before they speak, some people are arrogant when they speak.

    I think what bothers men is realizing how despite a few attempts at impressing her, he's just not worth her effort. If she's willing to talk to you, then she's giving you a chance, and if you're not getting any more chances, than she's already decided that you're the one she wants to rearrange her time for. Setting up dates takes time, energy, and yes sometimes money (having cute things to wear, makeup, transportation to the date- all of which happens before the guy can get upset about paying for a check if they don't agree to split).

    Also if it's something as short as 1 night of talking, that ain't shit time to "Get to know each other" and decide to go home together.

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  • If you're not interested, don't accept drinks and say no to dates!
    If a guy offers to buy you a drink, it is usually because he is interested. Seems to me that if you have no interest in dating, just say upfront that you're not interested! Stop playing games!

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  • Lol reminds me of something my s/o told me recently. Apparently, his friend thinks his girlfriend shouldn't decline free drinks from guys if she goes out with her friends. "She is so stupid. She could have saved so much money!" 😂 Kinda damned if you do, and damned if you don't!

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  • The only thing that means yes is yes. If he didn't bother to ask me what I am thinking, his misinterpretation of what he thinks my signals are is on him. Just as it is on me if I misinterpret his.

    The real deal is being brave enough to clearly communicate. I try to be very "cards on the table" about what I am offering in a relationship, especially in the early stages when we don't know each other all that well.

    In general though, I want everyone to think of mixed-signals about consent for sexual activity to count as a NO.

    If you're confused or unclear if someone wants to advance in any sexual manner, don't proceed. Stop. Get clarity.

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  • This shit is a minefield. If you be nice to a guy, you're labelled as leading him on but if your actively avoiding "sending out signals" you're a bitch/horrible piece of shit that all those Incels use as an argument to kill all women.

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    • No, simply being nice doesn't = interested. If you're flirting with him, talking to him for a long time, accepting drinks, accepting future plans and telling them you'll let them know when they are available, but have no intentions of seeing the guy again and aren't interested in him, looks like leading them on

    • @MrNameless I’ve only smiled at men before. They messaged me saying that they’re interested and get angry when I say I’m not. I’m done with this.

  • Accepting a drink and talking with someone is usually how you find out if you're interested or not. If after chatting with them you find that you don't want to further get to know them, why should you be penalized for that?

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    • You shouldn't! But if you're spending 3 hours "finding out"... that could be a bit questionable, yes?

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    • that's true.

    • Accepting a drink is like going on a mini date. If you’re open to getting to know them and see if there’s potential you take the drink and if it doesn’t work it doesn’t work. All you owe them is a genuine chance.

      If you know from the start you’re not interested, then it’s wrong to accept.

  • Men and women are guilty of doing this. I never lead a guy on because its happened to me and I don't treat anyone like that. If I don't like them, I tell them its not working out.

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  • I don't understand how women can use an interested guy for free food and drinks. That's just rude. If you don't do it on purpose and don't mean to use him still don't. It's kind of common sense what buying you food and drinks mean.
    The only time I 'lead a guy on', I really was interested in him. For over a year. When I started pulling back, then he liked me and wanted to pursue me. I was over him by then. I tried my best to let him know that. Do I still feel bad about this? Of course I do.

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  • Great Mytake. a lot of women out there don't even realize that they're leading the guy on but the points you made on here were very clear.

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  • Buying drinks is silly. Here you go: I'll fund you to consume some poison. Oh you don't want any? You must not like me. ?

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  • You smile... You are leading them on.
    You don't smile... Everyone tells you to smile more...

    Fucking dudes are batshit crazy

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    • Dudes aren't batshit crazy at all - women are the ones that don't know what they want and are impossibly fickle. Hell, even other women admit that one ;)
      Nah, it's all about what you do AFTER that smile... not the fact that you smiled in the first place. You smile, he sees interest (which, let's be honest, there was a sort of interest- you didn't exactly turn away, right? ) and engages... at that point, it's up to you to get across that the interest you intended was nothing more than a friendly response, or (if it was) something more.

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    • Pretty sure most guys know that smile = interested. Only the really unexperienced ones may think that

    • @MrNameless well a girl could be smiling at something her friends said, then accidentally makes eye contact with someone. She would not be smiling at you in that case. So you are right, inexperienced kids would miss that one.

  • dgaf before like maybe the 3rd or 5th date, manage your expectations. men and women both magnify the extent of their interest for various reasons -- to a point it's just part of figuring out if you want to get to know someone more! you might think you do, and as the night/week/month goes on, you might decide it's a poor fit.

    it's like job hunting... if they want you they'll let you know later (NOT at the interview unless they're desperate or the job's no good!). one follow-up call is fine but more gets progressively weirder. even if you're perfectly qualified, sometimes they just want someone else -- so apply elsewhere! you'll feel better if you do.

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  • Nice take

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  • Omg this is so relatable thanks for sharing it

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  • Interesting, good take

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  • Ya I'm a bit of a flirt so what

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  • Good take

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  • I totally agree!

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  • I'd never do that. I'm very straightforward. If I'm not interested in someone, I'll tell him straight away, not beating around the bush. Also I never leave a guy pay the bill. I consider it offensive. I don't even let my friends pay for it because I'm proud of myself

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  • I don't understand why it's so difficult for people to just be honest and communicate. Seriously, it's not hard.

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