Are You Leading Him On?

[My99legend]

You're not interested in getting a boyfriend. You're busy with life and just don't have time. But your girlfriends convinced you to hit the club. So you're at a table scrolling through your phone, and happen to glace up. Across the room you make eye contact with a guy. You smile, and he takes this as an invite to approach. Now he's talking to you, buying you a drink, and you just wishing he'd leave. Three hours later, he's been by your side the whole time and invites you back to his place. You say no and he's pissed. You mark him down as another man only interested in sex. You complain to your friends that guys think that just because they buy you a drink they think you owe them.

But what if this was your fault?

What if you really were leading him on?

Were you sending mixed signals?

He offered to buy you a drink, you don't owe him anything, right?

Many times women send the wrong signals without even intending to. Some women have traits that guys read as "green light". You might not intend to breadcrumb, but maybe you are.

So what are some ways that women do this? These are ways to avoid sending the wrong message (or to send the "green light" if you actually want to).

ex.

You go on date. You really aren't all that interested but in the conversation you say things that hint at a later date. After all you like him, but don't LIKE him, so it would be fun to get together later, just not as a date.

Right now you are hinting at a future relationship. Since you're on a date, he is reading your future "plans" as date invites, not hang outs. So when you tell him it's not going to work, but you want to be friends, he accuses you of leading him on.

And he's right, even if that's not what you intended. Often times we as women don't want to hurt or insult guys, so we are nice, and end up being accused of "playing them".

Back to the original club example.

What went wrong here? Well for one you talked to him for three hours. He read this as "Exclusivity". Guys compare your behavior with them, to you behavior with other guys. So when you talk to him exclusively he's gonna think somethings up. If you don't want him to think your interested, work the room.

One of the easiest way for a guy to gauge interest is by buying you a drink. This is something plenty of women will refuse.

So when you say yes, this isn't a sure signal your interested in him, but it's a signal that your not uninterested in him... if a guy offers to buy a second drink, and you accept, this is typically a more sure sign to him.

Oh and by the way even if he buys you 20 drinks, you still wouldn't owe him anything. That's a chance he's taking... but you'd be a vixen to accept if you're not interested

[HopelessRomantic2119]

I wouldn't say that specific example is leading a guy on, but I believe women do lead men on under the guise of "being nice." As a man, I appreciate honesty. If you're not into me, just say you're not interested because ______. But be honest about my reasoning, maybe it's cause I don't have a beard, maybe I remind you of that guy that broke your heart in the 8th grade. Women lie or lead on to be "nice", when in my opinion lying is the cruelest thing you can do. If a man can't accept your HONEST answer, that's a poor reflection on him, not you, but just be honest.

[My99legend]

Very true points! Thanks for the response

[VIVANT]

if you were not interested in talking youd say so when he approached. i dont get how yore on the phone-supposedly- uninterested in anyone then getting free drinks then spending 3 hours with a guy. just say not interested. why is that so hard?

this was not accidental mixed message this was being oportunist.

[VIVANT]

no one owes anyone anything he bought you a drink of his own feee will, BUT you were not clear and spent hours with him. so of course he's going to think you're interested. its obnoxious to act blind sided in said situation..

[My99legend]

Just a side note... This IS a fictional situation :P

[Logorithim]

Although those are some good points, it's also definitely the case that men all too often see what they want to see when it comes to their perception of potential signals being sent by a woman/confusing friendly behavior for interest and/or attraction.

[Guy2809]

I think the problem is not so much women sending mixed signals but MEN ASSUMING A GIRL IS INTERESTED JUST BECAUSE SHE IS NICE. This is a very known behavior tha men have and it's dumb to blame women for it. "It's pretty much saying dont be nice because he'll think you want him". Which is stupidn accepting a drink and a conversation doesn't mean she's going home with you and doesn't mean she wan leading you on. Now there are girls who do give lead ons and then back away, because it makes the feel good. But accepting a drink and a conversation is not a. mixed signal, she's been friendly that's all. A mixed signal would be her touching you while chatting, touching your thighs, your arms and your face. Even in this case she's not obligated to go home with you. Although women and men need to be careful with how they interact without h someone, been nice and having a conversation does not mean insinuation, so the problem in this kind if example is not mixed signals, is men assuming she is interested jsut because she is social.

[VIVANT]

sure it doesn't mean she's interested but its obnoxious.. why take the drink at all. you can talk without accepting free stuff.

[JoleenPeg]

@VIVANT Okay so what If she accepted the drink because she was potentially interested, but didn’t want to go home with the guy? Like who says because a girl is potentially interested in a dude that she wants to sleep with him rather then go on a date first? Smh

[Guy2809]

@JoleenPeg precisely my point. The fact that a girl gives accepts to talk to you doesn't mean she'll go home with you. At the end of the nigh maybe she likes you and would potnetially date you, but it doesn't mean she will sleep with you that night. Maybe she finds you attractive, accepts the drink, then figures out you are a jerk and is not interested anymore. Men need to understand that the fact that a girl initially likes you doesn't o ligate her to like you forever, she's allowed to change her opinion.

[VIVANT]

You know i never said she owed him anything. I know you know that bc I specifically said she does not. no one owes a person anything bc they choose to offer you a drink.

i was responding to you calling it an accidental mixed message or her being confused bc he thought she was 'interested' in him. not necessarily sex.

The scenario was a woman was so uninterested in being where she was, that she was dragged out by her friends reluctantly then stayed glued to her phone. then looked up and accidentally caught the gaze of a guy she was not interested in. this accidental gaze made HIM think he should approach- as if she would rather he not... then the drink... then the hours... then her surprise he thinks they have something when the whole time she wanted him to go away. you did NOT tell a story of a woman who was maybe interested and seeing how it went. THAT is why i said it was obnoxious, bc in the story you depict, she was not interested at any point, and
all she had to do was

[VIVANT]

when he approached, to let him know she is not interested.

IF she was maybe interested then that is another story. one you did not write, therefore one i did not respond to. I certainly never said she owed him sex. but there is a lot of behavior between being nice wasting someones time and owing sex.

if she was maybe'; interested then he was not approaching unwelcome and she was not trying to get rid of him and the whole post should be written differently.

no one knows for sure if they are interested in a person when they meet them. no crime in that. you talk to a person get to know them and when its not working for you politely excuse yourself. none of this in my opinion should involve free drinks or wasting a persons time , secretly wishing the go away as if they are diseased.. its childish. figure out what you want or dont want and be upfront. does not have to be confusing.

this all sounded like an unnecessarily circuitous rationalization or getting a drink, its silly.

[Anonymous]

You pretty much described most women. They all pretty much do this. Half the problem is because women don't express how they feel in these situations. You literally leave guys up to guessing based on your actions and not your words. Of course guys are going to read them wrong since the only way to know for sure is if you can read minds. I also think in some situations it is even fair for guys to get upset especially if they were putting effort and money into getting to know you and you are wasting their time when you could have said "Sorry, I'm not interested" from the start.

On top of that you also get women who intentionally do this. They do this to use guts to get stuff they want for free. They do it to get free drinks, free drugs, free gifts. They literally play people to get free goods from them.

I think most women do this too. Not always intentionally and nor all the time. But I feel at least once in their lives if not more.

As a guy I gave up on giving women who aren't in some sort of relationship with me much of my time and even less my money. At best I'll buy you one drink and give you until it is gone. If I haven't heard you say something that makes me feel like you are interested in me then I'm not giving another second of my time. And I pretty much never go upon her actions, even her stupid "hints", because they can't be trusted and mean nothing.

[Poppykate]

What if she returns the favour at the end of the drink? 😉

[Opinion Owner]

@Poppykate That is a good example of women saying something they think is obvious but us guys are left confused by what she meant. A winking smiley face doesn't add context to what you said. Did you mean if she bought me a drink in return or if she sucked my dick? See both answers work. But if I go with getting my dick sucked and I'm wrong, I'm a huge asshole. That's a mistake that now days can get a guy arrested. So unless she clearly communicates that she wants something, I'm not wasting my time trying to figure out what she wants. This coy shit doesn't work ladies.

[My99legend]

Bravo 👏 Great response

[Poppykate]

I know! Lol 😂 that’s why I said it! Word to the wise... if a woman gives you a BJ after just one drink... hold unto your wallet! She is probably a hooker trying to make a quick buck. I think women and men when dating need to approach it with a sense of humour and a level of respect and fun.

[Opinion Owner]

@Poppykate If a woman offered me a BJ after one drink my answer would be no anyway. Talk about being easy. That is a huge turn off for me. I wouldn't be so worried about her trying to steal my wallet since with out the pin numbers she just has a bunch of plastic. I would be more worried about my dick feeling like it is on fire every time I piss or worse getting HIV and dying.

[My99legend]

@Poppykate I was actually saying that to the opinion owner 😬😂 But I totally agree with your lastest statement lol

[Xoxocutekitty]

Life happens, sometimes you see a cute guy and he offers to buy you a drink, you're not accepting the drink, you're accepting the time spent with his face and his personality. Maybe at the moment, you like one or the other or both, and maybe its something that you genuinely don't like. Some people are brighter before they speak, some people are arrogant when they speak.

I think what bothers men is realizing how despite a few attempts at impressing her, he's just not worth her effort. If she's willing to talk to you, then she's giving you a chance, and if you're not getting any more chances, than she's already decided that you're the one she wants to rearrange her time for. Setting up dates takes time, energy, and yes sometimes money (having cute things to wear, makeup, transportation to the date- all of which happens before the guy can get upset about paying for a check if they don't agree to split).

Also if it's something as short as 1 night of talking, that ain't shit time to "Get to know each other" and decide to go home together.

[MlleCake]

The only thing that means yes is yes. If he didn't bother to ask me what I am thinking, his misinterpretation of what he thinks my signals are is on him. Just as it is on me if I misinterpret his.

The real deal is being brave enough to clearly communicate. I try to be very "cards on the table" about what I am offering in a relationship, especially in the early stages when we don't know each other all that well.

In general though, I want everyone to think of mixed-signals about consent for sexual activity to count as a NO.

If you're confused or unclear if someone wants to advance in any sexual manner, don't proceed. Stop. Get clarity.

[Browneye57]

Right on.
Guys communicate overtly. Girls communicate covertly.
Girls are masters at innuendo and nuance. Guys are awful at it. If you aren't direct and clear, blunt to the point, he JUST DOES NOT GET IT.
So don't send signals you're interested if you're not. If you're not man-shopping what are you doing in a club in the first place?

The FI has shoved this harassment thing down everybody's throats. If a guy so much LOOKS at a woman he's a pervert or a 'creep'. Unless he's really good looking or filthy rich - then it's okay.

Seriously, just be clear on your intentions. Don't lead people on, either gender.

[leelouB]

If you're not interested, don't accept drinks and say no to dates!
If a guy offers to buy you a drink, it is usually because he is interested. Seems to me that if you have no interest in dating, just say upfront that you're not interested! Stop playing games!

[bubble_tea]

Lol reminds me of something my s/o told me recently. Apparently, his friend thinks his girlfriend shouldn't decline free drinks from guys if she goes out with her friends. "She is so stupid. She could have saved so much money!" 😂 Kinda damned if you do, and damned if you don't!

[Satine]

dgaf before like maybe the 3rd or 5th date, manage your expectations. men and women both magnify the extent of their interest for various reasons -- to a point it's just part of figuring out if you want to get to know someone more! you might think you do, and as the night/week/month goes on, you might decide it's a poor fit.

it's like job hunting... if they want you they'll let you know later (NOT at the interview unless they're desperate or the job's no good!). one follow-up call is fine but more gets progressively weirder. even if you're perfectly qualified, sometimes they just want someone else -- so apply elsewhere! you'll feel better if you do.

[Anonymous]

I've personally seen women laugh and smile and flirt with a guy, only to bitch that he won't leave her alone. This guy's buying her drinks and thinking he's batting 1000, and she's talking shit like he's the next big serial killer every time he goes to piss.

[Silver158]

This happens so much lol

[Opinion Owner]

@Silver158 I don't think they understand that when a good man sees them doing that, he's not ever gonna be interested in her. Biggest turnoff in the world.

[OpenWine]

I bought a girl a drink just because I wanted to be nice since she was an exchange student. some people read into the little things too much and end up with less. just some hospitality I have tought myself.

I mean when I go to south america there are many things that you can't buy there but here you get it.

what I wanna say is a man can pay a drink to a woman for other reasons than interest.

[loveslongnails]

It doesn't matter that she smiled at him. Once he came over and started to talk, she should have shut him down then if she wasn't interested. A smile is polite, OR it could be an invitation. If she was just being polite, she needed to make that clear. By NOT doing that, she made her own bed.

[JonDoe1985]

How about we just start training our kids so future generations stop looking for "signals." Let's stop expecting men to "make the first move." Let's just make everyone equally accountable here. Let's say a guy pics up a "signal" that she might be interested, instead of thinking he needs to do his next moves within his repitoire, he just asks directly. Let's just make our intentions clear from the get go.

[FatherJack]

Just makes me glad I will never be dating again !! Hypothetically , if I got a mere hint of disinterest , I would simply walk off and not waste my time. No tolerance for BS !! Pursuing further can have very serious legal and social consequences for a man nowadays , male = rapist in waiting / sex predator , by default. Excellent take by the way , male and female brains are totally differently wired , polar opposites in most respects.

[HereIbe]

You have wisdom.

[Anonymous]

I'd never do that. I'm very straightforward. If I'm not interested in someone, I'll tell him straight away, not beating around the bush. Also I never leave a guy pay the bill. I consider it offensive. I don't even let my friends pay for it because I'm proud of myself

[Anonymous]

To be fair, there are situations where a woman likes you.. But then you do something (or maybe something just happens to her), and she loses interest and she backs off. When I really hate is that when confronted, they'll pretend they never liked you in the first place, when they showed signs in the first place.

[JimRSmith]

Yeah, buying you a drink, and chatting for a few hours doesn't entitle him to have sex with you.

[Cosytoasty]

You’re not leading him on BUT, if you wish he’d leave you alone 3 hours earlier you should say so.

[LMNOP123]

I don't understand how women can use an interested guy for free food and drinks. That's just rude. If you don't do it on purpose and don't mean to use him still don't. It's kind of common sense what buying you food and drinks mean.
The only time I 'lead a guy on', I really was interested in him. For over a year. When I started pulling back, then he liked me and wanted to pursue me. I was over him by then. I tried my best to let him know that. Do I still feel bad about this? Of course I do.

[Gedaria]

You meet a lass you chat. Why do you think you are in would you feel the same if it was a guy you got chatting to why isn't so different because she's a lass. As far as leading them on it's more like the guy reading more into it sometimes a drink and a natter is that all it is !!!

[Hal2002]

This hook up generation, buying a woman a drink or too while conversing is socializing. It does not mean she owes you anything, and it does not mean anything that a females spend 5 minutes or 3 hours talking to you. It could simply be that she enjoys talking with you, it does not mean she is sexually attracted to you.

I do not know about anyone else, but within 15 minutes I can usually tell if a female is romantically interested in me or is just enjoying the conversation we are having. It is not what a woman says that should clue you in, it is her body language that will tell you if she sees you as having romantic potential.