A few people have been talking about the "bad boy" vs "nice guy" thing recently, and I've seen many guys asking how to become more confident in approaching women, so I thought I'd write a quick take on it (maybe it will be a little disorganised, but whatever). I mentioned in the title how I believe that bad advice from women encourages nice guy behaviour - this isn't going to be a woman-bashing take. I'll explain.
Many guys today are so confused as to how to navigate the dating world. This is why we have so many "nice guys", incels, MGTOW etc. The reason they're confused is that as men we're given a lot of mixed messages. Should we act in a chivalrous manner? Or is the girl likely to find that sexist and insulting? When is it okay to approach a girl and show interest, and when is it not? How should we go about that if/when we do find "the right moment" to do so? What's acceptable and what isn't?
As men we're also mostly expected to make the first move, whereas women are mostly passive. Many women will say "if a guy doesn't have the balls to approach me I'm not interested in him". Others say that they tried approaching guys and asking them out but that it "didn't work out for them", and then when you ask them how many they approached it's like "2 or 3", which is nothing. If they like a guy they usually ask how to get the guy to approach them. Again this is not a criticism of women, and some guys get mad about that which is a little silly and pointless, the point I'm making is that we experience dating in a much different way which is something many women don't seem to understand.
There's a video that many people have posted here by a guy named Matt Hussey, a dating coach for women, and in this video speaking to women about how to get guys to approach them, he explains the problems men face as a result of this. There are a small percentage of guys who are very confident in approaching women, probably around 1% of the male population. These are the players and the sleazeballs. A larger number of men will never approach a woman at all, and these guys are mostly invisible to women. In-between you have the average guy who waits for the right moment to approach. But those guys are no good at determining when it the right moment. Then when they're sure it is the right moment they don't know what to do or say. Some women downplay this when they say "what's the big deal, we're just humans" - but most women don't approach men out of fear of rejection either so we could easily ask you the same question. It matters.
I just answered a questions asked by a guy who wanted to know how to gain confidence in approaching and dating women. The female answers were mostly the same, basically just talk to them and make a lot of female friends. This sets guys up for failure, and even worse is that when this advice that women themselves gave to these men fails and those guys and they ask what's going on, women react with hostility and call him an entitled piece of shit, "women aren't machines that you put nice tokens into to get sex" and all that. I know because I used to be that guy. Fake nice guys exist for sure but many guys are just genuinely confused. The same woman who advises a man to make a lot of female friends will then call him a manipulative piece of shit for pretending to be friends with a girl he wanted to date when she encouraged it in the first place. For some reason they fail to put 2 and 2 together, but this is how women create nice guys.
Sometimes sure, the "friend's first" thing might work. Many people meet through their social circle. But in general, usually one or the other has to make something happen. One of them has to let the other know that they're interested. Usually this is the job of the man, and I already explained the problems men face when it comes to this especially today. If the guy doesn't know how to show interest, a lot of the time nothing will happen. The idea that things "just happen" is a female idea because that's how things work for you. Nice guys usually don't struggle to make female friends, they struggle to show interest in a girl beyond platonic friendship.
For the nice guy the lack of success mainly has to do with being too cautious in showing interest in a girl and playing it safe because they lack the confidence to do so. Most of them treat the girl as if she's a platonic friend, while secretly having feelings for her as they try to find the "right moment", then eventually they become so frustrated by this that they either overly dramatically confess their feelings for her, awkwardly try to make a move e.g. randomly lunging in for a kiss, get mad that she didn't make a move on him (asking silly questions like "if women want equality why don't THEY make a move on us?"), or get mad that she chose another guy over him.
This brings me to the "bad boy" vs "nice guy" idea. Many guys say that women prefer assholes, that they love to be treated like shit. They never give nice guys a chance because they're stupid bitches. This is why women react with hostility towards nice guys, even those who don't say these things and are just confused. It's the reason every time they hear the word "nice guy" they do a little sick in their mouth. Women obviously respond to this by saying that it's ridiculous. Others come up with all of these theories as to why women choose bad boys - they must be broken, immature women.
In reality it has nothing to do with being treated like shit. The main difference between the nice guy and the bad boy is that the bad boy doesn't give a shit so he has no problem showing interest in a girl and trying to pull her. He isn't gun-shy like the nice guy. A woman doesn't choose the bad boy BECAUSE he's not a good guy, she ends up with him DESPITE the fact that he's not a good guy because he was the one who made a move. In a way he's also less phoney since he doesn't try to "friend" his way into a girl's pants.
Some guys might ask "well, if not making a move means she always ends up with players, fuckboys etc. why doesn't she learn from that and pursue decent guys who are a little shy?" Well, for the same reason you don't either. Fear of rejection. That's also not gonna change no matter how much you complain about it. If anything you should see that and realise that having the confidence to approach gives you more options than simply having to settle for whoever shows interest in you.
My advice to guys who struggle with this is simple: just be honest from the get-go about your intentions because that's the best way to prevent the "platonic friend" frame and instead get her to begin to evaluate you as a potential boyfriend. Stop worrying so much about rejection, stop playing it safe. Rejection is bound to happen, and it sucks, but it's not such a big deal. I don't know how many times I was rejected and you tend to forget all about it anyway when you find a girl who likes you. It's also completely pointless to complain about women's behaviour or choices, instead you should focus on your own behaviour.
My advice to women who find nice guys really annoying: stop telling guys to act like nice guys and giving them advice that only really works for women.