A/n: This will be more for me than other people. I'm kind of feeling down for no reason and needed to write about it in order to calm down, but didn't really know what platform I could use. Sorry for possible mistakes, English isn't my mother tongue.
I'm really anxious, awkward, shy and very easily stressed. I hate being in pictures and would rather disappear in big crowds. I'm 22 and never been in a relationship, haven't even had my first kiss yet. Simply because I want it to be with someone I really like. It wasn't something I ever felt "bad" about, but throughout the years the reaction of other people start getting to me. "Am I weird for not having a relationship?" Even though I felt perfectly fine. It's like they couldn't wrap their head around the idea of being single AND happy.
There was a time (the last two years) I hated everything about myself: I didn't eat enough, cause I felt I didn't deserve it. Didn't take breaks, thought about killing myself 'cause I felt like I didn't have a lot of qualities. My mom used to say we accept the love we think we deserve. It didn't help either the guys I was seeing, didn't really accept my introvert side and were making me feel bad for being silent.
I kind of felt guilty for being unexperienced when it comes to loving someone and dating. So last year I started going on dates, even though I felt pretty "meh" about it all. (Online) dating wasn't really for me. It felt forced, I didn't talk much (I wasn't even able to talk to neutral people) let alone a potential boyfriend. Needlessly to say, it never got further than one date. However I felt relieved and that's when I decided to focus even more on myself. So I deleted every dating app I ever owned and a big part of my stress & anxiety reduced. I wanted to make new friends around the world so I installed this old school write a letter app and a couple of days later I received a letter from a guy. And oh well this was the start of a new chapter.
"We were a fresh page on the desk,
filling in the blanks as we go"
"Liking someone is wonderful."
Love songs start making sense, everything reminds you of them, you talk about them 24/7 (eventually your friends will feel like they know them well), I cringed when I sent my first heart emoji to him. "Oh no I turned in that kind of person", but I sent it anyways.
I learned that when someone likes you, they don't want to change you at all and accept all of your flaws. You should be able to just rant and tell them how you feel at any moment. To me it's about liking the same things, your happiness is their happiness, not feeling anxious when they haven't replied for a couple of hours, being respectful, being able to have late night conversations, keeping your own interests and meeting up with your friends, playing video games together, giving each other nicknames, having inside jokes, gushing about each other's pictures, trying to be mad when they try to annoy you (and starting to smile immediately), having the same thoughts & completing each other memes, motivating each other to reach goals, sending cute animal videos when one of you is upset, ... And I don't think they will ever make you doubt whether they "still" like you or not. They don't try to change you, but you try to be a better person for them. I've made a lot of effort to step out of my comfort zone: suggesting to call (even though I hate making a phone call), taking initiative, being open about my feelings / communicate more, etc.
I must admit I was very scared and hesitant to start liking someone, but now I look back I wouldn't want to change a thing. He gave a whole new perspective on everything and it feels like I've known him for years. It all just feels effortless, no mind games, just appreciating each other's company.
I still have anxiety attacks from time to time and I'm still not where I'm supposed to be, but getting there eventually. I even went on holidays on my own for the first time this Summer. I'm grateful for the people who have to listen to my rants and irrational thoughts from time to time. :)