As a black guy, I feel embarrassed and guilty for dating a white girl (and dating interracially in general)

Not me. They force you to use an image.
Not me. They force you to use an image.

It's not even necessarily because people from my community and hers will judge me, it mainly comes from the historical precedent of the racial dynamic between our two respective groups. Because I grew up skateboarding with regular exposure to white people, I don't feel this way about having white friends but dating feels different. Of course she or her family or whatever have never trespassed against me but as I get older and more jaded in this science experiment gone wrong called planet Earth, in my head it feels ridiculous to smash someone who descends from people that owned mine as property, subjugated them and just done so much general harm and malfeasance to the community holistically. And the bigger indictment in this whole thing I'm trying to understand but can't really make sense of(which also expands passed just dating white chicks, it applies to any interracial relationship) is that the black American community has been so disadvantaged that as I'm starting to accrue wealth and could quite possible attain a lucrative financial future, it feels wrong to not share that with a woman who came from the same circumstances as me, to not fully invest it back into and fully contribute to my community, it's hypocriticaacoulto some extent to say you want to build up your community but at the same time not fully doing it by marrying or procreating outside of it.

As a black guy, I feel embarrassed and guilty for dating a white girl (and dating interracially in general)
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Most Helpful Guys

  • TenPoundTabby
    If you're going to succeed in life and not be destroyed by borrowed hate, you've got to give up the stereotypical thinking. The fact is -- and hear me -- nobody who did that crap in the past is alive. Ancestors (if we even knew what they did -- I don't know -- do you?) aren't us. Nobody alive can speak for the people who are dead, so how do we really know what they thought or did? Did you know that in the South at the time of the Civil War, only 1 in 10 people who could own slaves did? So if you think that all whites did this, it's not even close to being true.

    This is what you're doing: you're hating some white chick for what her grandparents maybe did -- but for all you know they came over 90 years ago as poor Polish immigrants. LOL. Stop generalizing! Stop stereotyping! It rots the heart and corrodes the mind.

    And don't be so sure of the "black community" either. Nobody turns quicker on a guy who actually does succeed. Look up famous blacks and see what they have to say about it. As soon as you get out of the ghetto, all the people that can't or won't start hating you -- it's a sad truth as old as time.

    You're your own man, just like I am, just like everyone is their own. Nobody owes any community jack. Do you want to ask me how well the white "community" has helped me? It never lifted one freakin' finger. Not one. I fought for everything I've earned and I'm still fighting. There's no help for me, and I don't owe anyone anything. Neither do you.

    The community I have is one based on the blood of Jesus Christ and that's something made up of people from "every tribe and every tongue". That matters.
    Disagree 1 Person
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  • SkipStop
    I understand how our white ancestors were complete jerks and have zero support for what they did. But remember that things have changed and there is nothing taboo or wrong with interracial dating. Same with expressing your sexuality and wearing revealing clothing. At least in most parts of the world. We live in an environment where people are less judgmental over basic things like dating outside your race. I used to work at a christian church when I was 8 - 12 years old with my grandmother. I had a friend who's father is black (don't remember his home country though) and mother is white (from Russia). And have two boys. I see nothing wrong with that. They are very happy together. And that's what matters. So if you find a white girl, Asian girl, whoever interesting, go for her. If she rejects you, find someone else. If she likes you, great. Plus, your family and her family have nothing against it. That's a huge plus. I'm white and have a thing for black girls. I just do. Had a couple of crushes on black girls. No guilt or shame in that. So go down the path that's right for you and say "NO" to society if you feel like it's trying to stop you. Break that wall and go for what you want. The power is yours.
    Like 1 Person
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Most Helpful Girl

  • otter_tots
    Just because you are in a relationship with someone who is white does not mean you can not give back to your hometown or local community. Donate. Go do some volunteer work. Go help a homeless person buy clothes for job interviews. Help buy educational equipment for your local school. Adopt a Highway.
    Most importantly, remember that "your community" is everyone around you. Every living, breathing, talking human being that lives on the same plane as you. THAT is your community, and you should love them no matter how they appear.

    Also, if you truly love or in any way care about this person, the color of her skin will never become a factor that determines your relationship.
    And honestly, as a white child myself, I find it rather offensive that you would just readily assume that her ancestors were the same white folk who used to use slavery to their advantage. Personally, I am Irish, Scottish, Russian, and Scandinavian by tested DNA results. The term "Slave" originates from the term "Slav" or "Slavic." Most slaves during the dark ages were white.
    But, what even if she was? What if you come to find out that an ancestor of hers owned hundreds of people?
    Did she herself own slaves? Nah, son.
    She is not culpable for the actions of her ancestors what so ever.
    Is this still revelant?

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What Girls & Guys Said

  • WalterRadio
    First thing, slavery has existed throughout the world in many forms across time. It was not unique to America. I doubt there is a person alive today who is not descended from slaves. It was not just Africans that were brought to America to be slaves, but that is how a large portion of Europeans arrived. Some were sold into indentured servitude, which is a form of slavery. Some volunteered for it. Some were sent as punishment for crimes and civil outcomes (debtors). Some became free after their contract ended. Many never lived to see that day.

    Second thing, black Africans were captured and sold into slavery by other black Africans. The first owner of a lifetime slave (not as punishment for a crime) in the colonies was a black man, Anthony Johnson. He also owned black and whites as indentured servants. Later, there were free blacks that owned black slaves up until the Civil War. The most widespread physical abuses of slaves, beatings, whippings, and rapes, were not so much from their white owners, which did happen, as from other black slaves. The point being, blacks were not innocent victims in all of this, but central to the institution.

    Third, check your DNA. Most American blacks are part European. Unless one of your grandparents is white, that probably means you are descended from a slave owner.

    Fourth, just how disadvantaged are you and other American blacks really? And whose fault is it? The poorest 10% of American blacks have a higher standard of living than all but the upper class of nearly every black African nation. Institutional racism against blacks died decades ago. There are only a few isolated racist crackpots left. The lower economic performance of blacks in America today is the result of unwed births, high school drop outs, and criminality. When comparing white and black people of similar family, education, urban/rural, and behavior, they are actually pretty close. Note that these adjusting factors were choices made.

    If you think about "my community [of black people]" then you are part of the problem. You are seeing people for what they are, not who they are. Your real community is Americans. We are of all races, religions, and ethnicities who share a set of ideas, not skin color or religion.

    My ancestors, like yours, helped build this nation. The roles were different, but they all made contributions. Many others did not leave a legacy because they died first. We are the beneficiaries of all those who came before us or died trying. Do not be ashamed of claiming your birthright just because others piss it away.

    People can have any kind of preference in dating and marrying, and all preferences are valid. But do you really want those preferences based on your own racism? And don't worry. Africans are doing plenty of pro-creating themselves.
    Disagree 1 Person
  • RolandCuthbert
    Yeah, I am not getting you. Pardon me for questioning your sincerity.

    1. You are talking about the historical dynamic of race in the U. S. How does one claim history is a factor when it comes to being attracted to a woman, then dating and marrying her? I mean perhaps if you made the claim that YOU ARE ONLY ATTRACTED TO "WHITE" WOMEN. That would at least be something to talk about.

    2. As for this lucrative financial future ahead of you, wouldn't that be a bigger factor for your kids? Or for the community you choose to live in? Or for the businesses you choose to patronize or work with? You see what I mean?

    3. And if you have the true understanding of what it means to be "Black" in America. . . that if you knew this is not dependent upon the weird nuttiness of race. If you knew this was a cultural experience, why would it matter? You would either see yourself as a member of African-American Culture and take that cultural experience with you wherever you went on this planet. . . or you would not. You would simply be a guy with black skin. Which of course is not black. It is probably brownish.

  • SomeGuyCalledTom
    Sounds like you've got a real guilt complex around the whole race issue.

    I would argue that dating a white girl is your democratic right as a free (black) man. The whole civil rights movement in the 60s was all about equal rights and freedoms for black people right? So doesn't that include the freedom to date whomever you wish? Your ancestors fought for your right to date the girl you choose (even if that wasn't specifically their stated agenda at the time). So you kinda owe it to them to exercise those freedoms, if anything.

    Besides, people today cannot be held to account for the crimes of those who came long before us. History exists, and should be taught and valued and learned from. But you can't just project the past onto the present.

    The only people who benefit from your guilt around dating white girls... is *racist white men* who want the "white girl dating pool" all to themselves. Your guilt serves the interests of the racist and bigoted and small-minded. It doesn't serve the interest of the black community or your black ancestors.
  • markscott
    Where I live, interracial dating is common, and some of my family is interracial. It seems to me, that you should date or marry for love, no matter what the color. However, we don't all live in the same situations and the same cultures, so that may be easier for me to say, but more difficult for others where they are.
    Like 1 Person
  • Lady_Barb
    First of, well as long as your choice is fundamental and honest... but what I know of many black men in 2019... they all going white.. cause of the ''TREND, OR SELF HATE'' and this is a problem. You should choose on the qualities and not oh she's white let me holla.. or ohh i don't want any black women at all. wtf..

    Good Luck.
  • foxrider77
    Why would you care what others think. Date whoever you like. If someone has a problem tell them to go get lost, this is 2019 people are changing their gender.
    Like 1 Person
  • Screenwriter
    There are many ways to support and build up community. One way is to stay completely inside it as much as possible: marriage, college, workplace, volunteerism, housing. Another way is to live both in and integrate outside of that community. Sometimes you can earn, learn and give back by having broader knowledge of many institutions and communities. If and when you have friends and associates outside of your family and community of origin who are ignorant, leave them behind. If you are uncomfortable because of politics and ethics, maybe you should invest yourself more in the black community. But don't do it out of "guilt." Do it because that's how you're most comfortable and you're uncomfortable with the clueless. You're obligated to have a good, happy life, not to rescue anyone. These are complicated issues. Take your time to work through them.
    Like 1 Person
  • GreatnessBack
    History isn't keeping you warm at night, and giving you sweet, swwet loving.
    So, the fuck with it.

    Date who you want. Don't give a fuck what others think because those people wouldn't give you a fuck anyway!!!
    LikeDisagree 2 People
    • History does affect what has happened and is happening today, especially in the black community.

    • Yeah, if you let it. I'm always careful to avoid a victim mentality, which I see a lot of my hood people fall victim too.
      I'm not going to let 400 years of slavery and racism stop me from getting what's mine!!

    • It's not that though. The incarceration rate against black males is high because of the War on Drugs which targets black communities.

      Unarmed black men are killed in large numbers.

      Non-felon black men are LESS likely to get a call back from jobs than a white male FELON.

      Black men are imprisoned for double or more the length of time than white men.

      All of this and more (while including institutional and structural racism) stems from history in which whites have viciously put in the media that black men are a threat to society.

      Saying history isn't important ignores WHY black people are in such a state today and easily segues into victim blaming.

      ... Look, I don't even know why I commented. In the end, I just want to make you aware and to ask you to be cautious about what you think. History is very important especially in the relation to oppressed black individuals. That's all.

    • Show All
  • updog45
    It is my belief that you can't really fully help people, especially with money. People are in the places that they are because they have driven themselves there. Poverty is a choice, the same as wealth. As for the slavery thing, that's very silly.
  • zagor
    It's up to you. If you feel that strongly about it then perhaps you would be better off avoiding the interracial thing, but just keep in mind that it is due to your own reaction, and not part of some universal obligation.
  • davidj555
    The black community has some of the most toxic and ignorant people. Mr luther king died for you to date white women. you are free never let anyone else tell you otherwise
    • Anonymous

      That's actually fucking unintentionally hilarious. I could see a Boondocks episode going , "Martin Luther King died for me to fuck white bitches"

  • highjinx
    You do know that not all white people and slaves in the majority of white people fuck to free the slaves and personally I’ve never known a slave or anybody that’s old one so if we don’t bury that hatchet things will never get any better
    Disagree 1 Person
    • highjinx

      I should’ve proofread that what I said is not all white people owned slaves mostly plantations did , there are poor white people also lots of them , I don’t know anybody that was a slave nor do I know anybody who owned any slaves This is the 21st-century let’s try to act like it

  • adolescentswede
    Well most people used slavery through history not only on others but in group aswell.
    So don't anchor yourself to much to the past and instead look for the future
  • Loving_Husband
    I don't think you should feel guilty. It's your decision. There's nothing wrong with a black man dating a white woman.
    Like 1 Person
  • Thatsamazing
    Dude... your gal is not responsible for things that happened 150 years or whatever before she was even born. I think I understand what you're trying to say and it's valid, because history (and our present, really) is a hell of a thing but you shouldn't let that alone determine what's in your heart. If anything, you should break up with her because you clearly are seeing her as an Other, rather than a person that you just love and respect. So if that's how you feel, it's clearly not going to work out anyway.
    Like 1 Person
  • WhiteSandBeach
    People are happier with their own races to be honest.
    LikeDisagree 9 People
  • Inneedofusername
    You're mistaking race with nationality. But that's typical for all americans
  • AuroraRoseat
    I understand your thoughts about it but also understand that you cannot help to whom you are attracted. Also, understand that (I feel) that while whites do the have that history, plenty of them don't hold the same beliefs and are trying to remedy the situations which have set blacks back generations.

    I understand the guilt but I think you would feel less guilty being with someone who you know is taking direct action for the black community. It's a good thing though that you're not one of the black men that get a white woman because they see her as a status symbol.
  • Pejtu
    I've had same issue for dating black girl
    All the White girls comments and Black guys comments were just uuuuf
  • Mrblooo
    U shouldn't feel that way cause I feel that if your dating a 100% woman thats good enough cause now days its very scary more scary than Halloween when u were a little kid remember?
  • JamesRandiDebates
    I guess if you can find a white woman willing to lower herself to date you, go for it. Mudsharks gonna mudshark. Any white snatch is clearly better than the best available afro twat.
    Disagree 2 People
  • DWornock
    You can marry a black girl, but you should still do white women a favor and fuck them.
  • dystopian_saga
    your fine
    we all have preferences you guys do you.
  • Exorcist_Rampage
    Sometimes people regret interracial dating.
  • Princeofaljazeeera
    white girls are the best
  • Anonymous
    Glad you can think beyond current circumstance and see the bigger picture. I think its important to build up the black community internally.
    Do you really want a family with this white woman? your kids won't look like either of you, and they will be in limbo. They will have to deal with both their heritages. They can never be white.

    Also you are probably dating this white girl for the easy sex and good times. Thats what it sounds like anyways. So I say find a good black girl, stick with her and build something bigger than yourselves. Good luck.