Dating with autism is not fun!

[Lynx122]

I don't wanna whine or get sympathy or anything. But on another question someone wrote about having fun with dating and that made me think about that it hasn't been fun for me. I wanted to share some of the reasons why and if you have some constructie feedback I'll gladly accept it.

#1 Very Limited Resources

This is not directly about dating but more of a topic that defines my whole life. A normal human gets about 40 impressions per second sent to their brain, that includes what they see, hear, smell, taste and feel. Someone with autism can have up to 140 per second. So they have a more intense experience of the world but it also comes with a big cost. All this data has to be processed and sadly autistic brains have not evolved to the point where the additional data can be processed in real time. This leads to brain lag, slow reaction time especially when something unexpected happens. And the worst part is the additional energy it takes to proess all the data. When I go to work 8 hours I'm tired like I worked 12 hours. And it gets worse the next day by Friday I can hardly stay awake at work and I have to sleep a whole day sometimes to even be able to function again. This makes it hard to take care of my responsibilities outside of work and leaves barely any time or energy to do stuff I want to do or work on goals.

#2 Communication Issues

This is one of the main things that makes dating not fun. Reading between the lines, the back and forth of not being too interested, it's not something that I'm good at or understand very well. A lot of people say they don't like games but most of the time they're lying but personally I don't like to do something unless I see the point in it. I like to get to the result as fast and efficiently as possible. I like efficiency in general but there's also point #1 which hangs over my head and kinda forces me into this. So if I could skip the beginning part I would do it every time. I don't enjoy it at all. I don't care about the rejection although it's not great I can live with that. But someone with autism always has that doubt if they've read a social situation correctly or if they missed something and that's especially true with girls since men and women already have difficulties communicating even without the extra obstacle. And unfamiliar situations with unfamiliar people add a lot of extra stress because there's less references I can use. When I've been in a situation many times I know more what I can expect, what can go wrong what range of behaviour is normal for this situation etc. But when I meet a girl for the first time I have no idea what she's going to do next and that makes it hard to relax.

There have been quite a few girls that have been into me usually when I wasn't into them or just not thinking about anything sexual or dating related because we were talking about a topic I was really interested in or soing some activity that I was focusing on. Most of the time I didn't even notic it or realise it until later but even if I do I

My autism is not this strong but this image does a good job of showing why communication is hard for people with ASD

#3 Too much socialising required

Because of my limited energy and because interacting with people uses a lot of energy for me I don't socialise that much expecially after a whole day at work with the women at my office. But girls are usually not interested in a guy if they think that they're the only girl he's interested in. That's been my experience at least. This makes it hard for me because socialising enough to where I have a buch of girls as options that I'm actually interested in would take up all my free time.

This video explains some of the things that I experience as well.

#4 Out of control

Even though I try really hard and fight every day I still have difficulty just working and taking care of things at home like paying bills cleaning etc. When I take on these responsibilities I'm constantly stressed out and lose to my limit. That's why I don't feel like I even have space in my life for someone else and I don't want to date when I don't have my own life under control it doen't feel good.

These are just some of the main reasons why dating isn't fun for me and I don't know if it will change anytime soon. I'm fine with being alone. Right now I'm making some changes in my life changing my job and maybe getting some help with my responsibilities at home maybe that will help. But I'm not really optimistic about my dating life in the future lol.

Does anyone have a similar experience? Or have you dated someone with autism?

Please share! :D

#asd #autism #dating #MentalHealth

[sejla]

This is an extremely well written post. You really should start a blog/vlog on this. I think even people who do not have autism could benefit from your writing.

I used to be introverted and now am an ambivert and I've always found dating tedious and a lot of work. I'm not good at doing what would be consider date socializing and I definitely don't want to play any kind of games. It still surprises me that I actually was able to get married at all and keep it going for almost 2 decades before it ended.

I think the key is finding someone who at least attempts to understand our quirks and I definitely have some quirks.

[Lynx122]

Thanks :) I always write a little bit but I haven't made it something more yet. I have a bunch of things that I wish I could invest more time into and writing is not #1 on the list. But I still like to do it cause I can clear my head a bit and process the topic I'm writing about more thoroughly. I've talked to some girls online who listened to me and understood me, but they weren't attracted to me. I feel like once I share too much of my thoughts and struggles girls are usually turned off by that. I hope I'll find someone some day like you did :).

[talloak]

I think the blog idea is an excellent suggestion.

[sejla]

I'm divorced now so I have to start all over again. I dread it and one reason I haven't started dating after my divorce.

[NatalieKeller95]

can an autist be extroverted though?

[fantasticass]

I have Autism too. . I have ADHD, ADD, and I'm on the Spectrum. I wasn't diagnosed until the age of 50 for any of them. Usually men carry the autism gene and pass it on to their sons, however women are born with Autism too, Yea, I miss social ques all the time too, but I've learned to adjust, and just laugh about it. Life is not as difficult as we perceive it to be.

[Lynx122]

@fantasticass Good for you, I haven't reached that point yet. I just feel like I can't contribute as much as I want to in my job or in any situation. And I feel like I'm always gonna be a burden to the people around me and that's just not a good feeling. And many of the goals I set for myself and worked hard to reach them I had to give up on cause it seems it's not realistic.

For instance working independently like a youtube channel or starting my own business or something I can't even handle my stuff when I'm employed I'd never have the discipline and administrative skills to work on my own. I wasn't even 100% sure I was gonna work independently but I just wanted to aquire the skills to do so but it's impossible for me. In fact I think I'll soon get someone assigned to me to help me in my private life cause I can't handle it on my own. I'm almost 30 and I need assistance, people say not to expect too much from myself but would they feel good about themselves if they were in this situation?

I tried everything and pushed myself to my limits and past them but it still wasn't enough.

[tallandsweet]

Could you send me a PM please? I'm on the spectrum too & wir können Deutsch reden ;)

[arabgoddess]

My husband has undiagnosed autism--we never had a date and I was practically the male in the relationship from day 1 😣😣😣
My 6yr old son had diagnosed autism level 2... he doesn't understand personal space so if he sees a girl he likes, he'll start touching her every where and would want to play every minute with her..
It's complicated having relationships with autistic people but with the right training, anything is possible ☺

[Lynx122]

Wow sounds tough. My autism is not that strong it's weak enough that I notice that I'm different and can ompensate it a bit but strong enough to make a lot of simple things very difficult and exhausting. But you sound like you're patient and take care of them really well :)

[arabgoddess]

Well I'm truly exhausted from running around doing everything for them. I'm mainly in depression and find that I always pull myself out of that environment to have a breather from it all.
Sure I can be patient but I've turned into this frustrated person which I hate

[ArrowheadSW]

Interesting that there appears to be a genetic component to it. I know a lady who got divorced 2 years ago, and the way she was describing her ex husband sounded like autism to the letter. I told her that, and she kind of blew it off. Now, her 12 year old son has been diagnosed as being on the spectrum and she is totally on board with her ex being autistic.

[arabgoddess]

It's sad

[crazy8000]

High functional autism and autism is two different thing's 😉

[lovegirll]

arabgoddess hey buddy did you try having a third party to help you out? do you have a specialist? i have autism too. i think it would be best for all of you if you got other people in on the relationship too (someone who you are ok with being in on it) to help you guys out. it seems to be wearing you down.

[lovegirll]

arabgoddess do they both have therapists and behavioral therapists and all that?

[arabgoddess]

Hey lovegirll thanks for that.. Yes my son sees therapist 👍

[lovegirll]

I think you should talk your husband into seeing one as well. And no problem buddy, I am autistic and know the struggle, and also how it can affect there families or wives/husbands as well.

[arabgoddess]

Thanks! You're a champ

[talloak]

Of course you don’t have to date if you choose not to. Have you considered online socializing? I don’t mean online dating since that’s intended to lead to in person dating. I’m thinking more like pen pals. You communicate well in writing. And it would slow the flow of interaction to a manageable level. I would think that you should be forthcoming about your condition and encourage others to learn more about it, as you have in this take.

[Lynx122]

I have talked to a bunch of girls online over the years. I have male friends in real life, I've managed that much :). Sometimes it works out well girls cn be very understanding which is nice but in the long term I feel like it doesn't work out. I was always thinking about my problems because I was trying to fix them and so I was talking about my problems all the time. And also I feel like the sexual dynamic is inescapable. Sometimes I started developing feelings for a girl even though I was not into her from the start and it took over a year probably just beause I was lonely. It's not that I don't want to date, it's just very hard for me. I think I'll still chat with people sometimes but I don't know if that's really a substitute.

[talloak]

There are no easy solutions here. Your natural tendency to try to continuously fix problems will get in the way both online and in person. Once a girl gets to know you well enough, you don't have to worry that any mistake is going to break things. You can let down your guard and be yourself. Mistakes and awkwardness are not going be a big turn off for the right girl. Usually, these will come off as charming. The focus on fixing problems means that you are not being yourself and that you are not trusting the other person to like you as yourself. That will drive people away or pull you away.

Your condition necessarily requires you to adapt to have meaningful relationships. It does not require you to become someone else. You don't need to be someone else. You have a lot more to offer than many non-autistic men. Generally speaking, the kind of women who would appreciate your intelligence and sensitivity are also the ones most likely to look past your atypical qualities.

[Lynx122]

Thanks you seem very wise :)

[talloak]

Thank you!

[AmandaYVR]

Very well written and explained.

[Dyrunn]

For me dating (well, having a relationship, never really dated for long and just went straight to the relationship part) is the easy part, it's work that's hard. Most of the jobs I tried were so exhausting I had to quit within three months because I started to fail at everything, got panic attacks and could do nothing (no cooking, cleaning, hobbies, anything) other than work and sleep. But I'm now in the process for a job at a testing company where all the testers have a form of autism and they've changed the environment and social rules and expectations a bit so that people with autism can have real, paying, fulfilling jobs without being exhausted afterwards. According to interviews with their employees, this enables many of them to both live independently and still have energy for seeing friends and having romantic relationships, and there have even been born some babies.

So maybe you'd feel better if you found a job that wouldn't take almost 90% of your total energy, which seems to be the current situation. And when I look at my boyfriend (who is currently working full-time), it also helps a lot to focus on being productive and functional at your job, without worrying too much about whether you're social enough (but do apologize a lot, any time you think you might need to, to prevent people from getting angry at you), and make sure you get enough sleep (which might be more than 10 hours rather than 7 or 8).

And meeting girls is probably easier when you just try to meet them casually rather than date them. Just try to have fun, play video games, talk, walk, etc. Eventually, there might be one who'd also like to be in a relationship with you. This would be someone who appreciates your honesty, way of looking at the world, etc, so you would not need to play silly games like dating multiple girls at once and your dates could be highly predictive, by just asking her what she plans on doing next and explain to her that surprises or sudden changes aren't fun to you at all. You should probably look for a girl who is honest, well organized, who shares at least some hobbies or interests with you, and who is a bit more introverted than most people (because introverts generally have no trouble being in the same room as a loved one without constant talk and communication and spending time alone or on their own).

[Lynx122]

Wow so much advice. Could you tell me more about this testing company? The Name etc? Apologizing hmm. I'll think about your girl advice, atm I don't see anything happening I need to figure out my life better first. Figuring out my job would definitely help. I'm gonna finish my apprenticeship that I started but after that thee's a lot of options. The way so many people responded to this I might try to do some youtube videos to talk about autism and help people understand it more.

[anube]

Lazy would be the reason

[Dystopian]

First up, let me begin by stating I was diagnosed with an ASD/PDDNOS only a few years ago.
I've lived most of my adult life with difficulty getting along with people, finding social situations exhausting and suffering from such intense experiences of most things I could barely cope.
So... Yeah, I can relate. I've also copied that meme because I found it quite informative.

Dating with autism... I dunno... I keep trying real life dating and am not unsuccessful at picking up a girl here and there but somehow all my long relationships have originated online. I think communication is just easier there.

All i can really recommend is to be confident. That's the most important thing. I go to concerts all by my lonesome and still have a good time, usually meet people, sometimes get lucky... Just because I'm not a timid studdering mess, but still just act like I'm the one they should be glad to know.
Self confidence goes a long way, trust me. And not just in dating either.

Good luck mate.

[thomam111]

I have finally found someone with autism who I can relate with. Every single example you bring up, I do or struggle with as well.

I am going to culinary school and it is one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life on a daily basis. I have 6-7 hour classes, combined with being in a kitchen/classroom as well as socializing with others is exhausting. I get home from class and I just go to bed.

#1 I look back on my day and notice social cues or things that I said that I never realized sounded really stupid. I also find just the act of socializing or going in to high traffic areas overwhelming.

One of the hardest things I find with my disability and relationships is flirting. I find it extremely difficult to decipher whether she is complimenting me or she’s hitting on me.

#4 I also find just doing tasks are difficult or daunting. If I have a class project due, I will wait until the last few days until it’s due. When the final week rolls around my anxiety spikes, which means that rather then concentrating on my project I am concentrating on what my grade is going to be or how I’m going to explain to my parents that I failed the class because I didn’t do the project.

I know that you were specifically orbiting around dating/relationships but I thought that I would put in some extra stuff about my struggles with autism. I would love to continue communicating with you on this topic or just tips too help each other out.

[kespethdude]

Don't worry, bro. Things might get better. Also, pay no attention to certain ableist bully terrorist scum like a certain punk ass pretending to be a 24 year old woman I just blocked and reported. You should do that same, get that scum off the Internet. Scroll down to that "24 year old woman" that is posting ableist shit, report that post, then go to ITS profile and report it and block it. It's about time ISP enforced their terms of use, which explcitly prohibits use of their services to commit hate crimes. Don't worry, that scumbag can't reply to this, this thread is safe. I wish it were legal to dox bullies online.

[Lynx122]

Don't worry it doesn't bother me. Letting people like that get to you is what they want. And it is fatually true that autistic people have less relationships get married less often etc. It doesn't mean everyone is going to "die alone" like that person said (from my perspective we all die alone anyway) but the odds are against us. I won't give up but I won't deny reality either.

But I got so much positive feedback on this mytake it was really amazing. I didn't expect to have this many comments from people who feel the same way or people who learned something from the mytake. I want to keep going and try and help autistic people or other people who want to understand autistic people better. My communiation is pretty deent for an autistic person and I also kind of understand neurotypical people at least a bit. I'm sort of between both worlds so I feel like I can be a kind of bridge.

I've wanted to make a youtube channel for a long time but I haven't managed it. Right now my life is a mess as well so it might take years before I actually get to it but some day I'll do it. So this one negative comment doesn't matter at all. You can't let stuff like that bother you or you an never really enjoy the good stuff in life because there will always be some douche, troll, hater or someone who just had a really bad day that's gonna ruin it for you.

[kespethdude]

You have way more patience than I then.

[Randomawkwardness]

I don't have autism however I have to brothers who do. My oldest can function by himself but anything social is just too overwhelming for him and he gets stressed out. My younger brother however, loves social interaction. He will go up on a stage and scream if it means he gets an audience because he just loves it. Sometimes he can't handle it very well though and he is very prone to emotional outburst and is very very behind in basic academic standards for his grade. I think to be autistic and to be able to write your ideas and experiences so well is truly a gift, you go through adversity and come out even stronger.

[Lynx122]

Thanks I never thought of it that way. I've been fighting hard to try and be productive and get a grip on my life but maybe this is a new path fo me to go down. If people actually find it useful when I write about autism I'd be glad to help out.

[Randomawkwardness]

Yes of course they will, I can't think of anything more helpful for my brothers than to just know that there are other people like them who are dealing with the same thing

[cyclopspanda]

I like this post. It still is difficult to date on the spectrum but people have become more understanding so I've found that things get better when i share the fact that im on the spectrum early in the relationship. It help me to filter who will be beneficial in my life from who will drain my energy and contribute to my anxiety. there's always someone out there that will fit perfectly in your life. I've been with my girlfriend for going on 2 years now and to her in just a guy with little quirks. She know where to fit in my life. She compliments my life.

[Lynx122]

That's great :) I think I still have some figuring out of my life to do before I can get there. Maybe when I'm 119 I'll be ready ;)

[cyclopspanda]

I used to say the same thing😂. No rush though, you know yourself and you'll know when the right person comes around. It'll seem random as hell, at least it did for me.

[NatalieKeller95]

why not just hide it

[cyclopspanda]

Its different for everyone but hiding it is always exhausting. Thats a fine way to make sure the relationship crashes and burns. Been there done that, being honest and open about it is the best way to go.

[cyclopspanda]

Unless things are casual then you dont have to know nothing about me

[NatalieKeller95]

why would it crash and burn, if she didn't know you were retarded wouldn't that be a good thing?

[V12NI]

Wow, it's so strange to see someone with exactly the same feelings as I do.. I have aspergers and not just dating, but overall any social interactions are so hard. I can't hold eye contact, I can't have small talks, I get tired so quickly when I'm around people or have to work with others. If I could, I would stay quiet the whole day. For me communicating is a complicated process that I have to analyze on the spot and make decisions, it's not coming naturally. And sadly my brain lacks of communication emotions, I look at everything as logical and not. Like I don't understand romance, I don't understand why people like holding hands, or what's so special about watching a movie together or feeding each other on picnic. I just don't understand that emotional connection. And there's a big difference between just introvert person and a person with autism. There's just too much that I would like to add to this, so I'll just say I fully understand you.

[Lynx122]

I think your autism is stronger than mine. I can look people in the eyes although I had to train myself to do so. In highschool I often couldn't look people in the eyes. I also see things logically but I do have emotions they're just hard to understand and it takes a lot of time for me to process them when something complicated is happening. Like I only understand how I feel about something the day after it happened.

And even though I have emotional and social needs my rational autistic side kinda pushes them into the background. I'm stuck in between. I can understand normal people pretty well and I have the same needs although they're weaker. But I can't fully connect with people I often feel like I'm in the wrong world or something.

And it's exhausting so I try to limit my social interactions and spend a lot of time in my room alone. It's a bit easier when I know the person I can kind of read them and I have like a profile of them in my head so once I know them a bit I feel more comfortable around them cause they're more predictable and I don't have to worry they're gonna do something I never expected.

Sometimes I wish my autism was strnger and I didn't have to think about other people at all, but other times I feel lucky that I can still interact with others pretty well. I joined a volleyball team recently and it's amazing I've never been part of a brotherhood like this. The best team I've ever been a part of. It feels really good to work hard together and everyone puts in their best effort and in the end we succeed together. It's a great feeling.

Good luck to you on your journey :)

[Crizoo]

It's not often I see a picture that shows my entire everyday thought pattern but when I do, I upvote. I try not to think I have autism or aspergers etc. Never been tested but I realise I have life problems like this. I keep to myself most of the time and try to only open up to those I know well.

[KaiserXVI]

No, I have not. I have not even bothered to date until this very year. I had too many underlying traumas that I did not want to bring to a partner.

As a person diagnosed with ASD, I have a couple of pieces of advice.

A) Prepare yourself psychosomatically. Tell yourself, day by day, "I do not have autism. Do not define me by my diagnosis" and let the anger of those who look down upon you, drive you to further success. I was antisocial and terrified of socialization like you, but then I became a YouTuber and went from an introvert to an ambivert. Let the desire for success and spite drive you.
B) Go for the 12 hours instead of the 8. Taking the 8 is the easy way out. If you constantly take the 12 hour day instead, you'll eventually build a tolerance and a body clock that will adjust soon after. Find a job that manages your time better and according to your convenience.

Hopefully this advice helps you. These are fundamentals that will help you with dating as well.

[NYCstreetPhotog]

I never thought about that. I've never dated someone with autism, but one of my close friends has a form of it, and I've always been very proud of her accomplishments in her life. Having read this, it's really opened my eyes to the factors I never took into consideration.

[Juterque]

This is well thought out. As someone with autism, I can say that dating is extremely difficult, and so is having a crush to begin with. Having only successfully dated two girls, I would say dating for me at least is not fun, as it takes so much effort to be with the person I am wanting to be with, and the feelings I have for the other person tend to be intense and strong. I don't necessarily know how to handle them very well. But I concur with everything said here. You really should start a blog.

[ArrowheadSW]

Wow that is a cool video. I used to hang out with a lady who I now realize was on the spectrum. It took me over a year and a lot of frustration before I figured it out. It is a long story but I had to take a break from her for about a year but after I figured out what the issue was I was more accepting. This was not a woman I was dating but we shared a common hobby. A lot of what these women describe was "her".

[ArrowheadSW]

Anyway very interesting video. There are a couple of women in that who I'd find interesting enough to date if I met them in real life. They seem to have a good grasp on their issues and would be fun to hang out with.

[Anonymous]

I have no interest in relationships but I have autism and relate to a lot if things you said.

[Lynx122]

Maybe it's better that way. Often I feel like onnecting with other people brings me a lot of pain. But I can't stop. I like being alone most of the time but 5-10% of the time I need to socialise a bit as well or I just feel bad. I've met a lot of great people too and sometimes I'm really happy. But sometimes I wish I just didn't need or care about other people at all because it's so complicated and difficult.

[Opinion Owner]

I like having friends but that’s all I need. But the only friend I have in real life, I’ve known them all my life so they’re like family to me. All other close friends I have are online that I met through running a blog and gaming. All other friends I made throughout my life are gone now.

[Anonymous]

Can you please ask those who have autism to mention the approximate date they were diagnosed? I see lots of people who self-diagnose, and not being trained professionals, they often confuse depression, anxiety, and other issues with autism. Please note, it's a very thin line, a very delicate diagnosis - specially in adults - and it has to meet very specific criteria. So it usually takes someone at least with a PhD and a staggering amount of experience to diagnose it correctly.
Autism isn't fun. It's a very painful experience for everyone involved. So if people are just shy, or introverted, or depressed, etc. they shouldn't be going around and self-diagnosing themselves and blaming it on autism.

[SirRexington]

I have autism too, high functioning but not functional enough for societies standards. Dating jad always been extraordinarily difficult. Women aren't really attracted to me it seems. The ones I have had cheated on me or left even when I thought things were going well.

I fear I won't be a good husband or boyfriend because of my issues. Another issue is my sensitivity to touch. I have a lot of affection in my heart and no one worthy or willing for me to show it to.

[crazy8000]

No need to be worried about that. some are just shitty individuals that uses others.

Could give the tip that. how you believe you are and how you believe how others sees you makes humans attractive or not. if it isn't true or not with reality doesn't matter since it works in that funny way.

[Historylover18]

I agree 100%. I'm on the autism spectrum with Asperger's Syndrome and ADHD and it makes it a lot harder to find someone compatible because I find a lot of people aren't willing to go through the amount of effort that it would require to be in a relationship with someone on the spectrum.

I can easily say it's a big factor in my lack of dating experience

[Twalli]

Welcome to my life. I am lucky that I have a great support system and my girlfriend knows I am on the spectrum, she did when we started dating. To make matters worse I am a genius and have a medical condition giving me fatigue. I am someone who got some of the best awards on my way to graduation, but probably cannot hold a full-time job. I had to takec8 week classes, because 16 weeks was too long. q1

[Bismarck_96]

My nephew has autism but I don't know about him dating he’s like 6yo I think yes he’s a trouble maker at school and school officials said to take him to see a doctor and when my sister takes him to see a doc the reception desk says “sorry not enough doctors for this treatment” like wtf

[Titanic1912]

Take it from a guy who has been rejected and cheated on because he’s autistic. I’m on the high functioning level of autism. I have trouble processing words. It’s a mental processing disorder but I have completed high school, I have a college degree and I have a job. I’m still looking for a paraprofessional job, but I make a decent amount of money. I’m still single and looking for love. I’m on eharmony and looking for a woman who will love me for who I am.