Disclaimer: I decided to remain anonymous because I don't want to reveal my identity, despite this meaning the users I want to address in this post will not be notified. It' not me being a coward but rather knowing better than to get involved. This is a small apology to all Aspies and Autistic people on this platform from a fellow Aspie/Autistic person
With my recent myTake Dating with autism from a girl's perspective getting some attention, I felt the urge to address some issues I have with some users' answers on this topic.
My intention with writing this myTake was to provide an extension or answer to @Lynx122 's myTake he wrote more than two weeks ago. I really liked it and given my own background, I felt qualified to write a myTake on Autism, and in particular Asperger's, and dating. I should mention that I was diagnosed with Asperger's syndrome in elementary school.
However, while I was trying to simply show how some aspects of dating are more difficult to Aspies, some opinions in the comments made me feel sick to my stomach. My intention wasn't to have people telling me or other Autistic people what we should do and how they have relatives with the same problems.
I didn't want to call out anyone but I feel like it will be more helpful when I mention who wrote the opinions I am referring to. I also want to mention that I looked at more opinions of these users on other questions people asked to get a more holistic picture and to see whether what they said about that myTake was a one-time thing.
That hurt me personally and I would love to hear your thoughts on this. I have met plenty of Autistic guys to know that this isn't true.@NatalieKeller95 :
oh please women with Autism aren't as fucked up as guys with autism, autistic guys are hopeless,
Being anti-social
@razelove :
Well, one of my friends has 3 children who are autistic, besides my best friend Billy being so. Right now he's struggling with that, he wants a woman in his life, but he's non-social, first person pronouns trip him up, and sadly, I don't think it's going to happen for him. I'm not sure about my friend's kids either, only one is very anti-social, and she's great at electronics, so maybe that will balance out. Don't lower your standards if you're young yet, and if no one is meeting them, realize you may need to balance out when you have someone you want to hold for now, vs. someone you want to hold a week from now.
@razelove is one of the few who decribed their friends in an acceptable way, also highlighting that not every Autistic child is anti-social. This is something I feel most neurologically typical people (NTs) don't understand. There isn't necessarily a connection between having Autism and being anti-social. I am not anti-social, as a matter of fact, I am an extrovert who can start a conversation very easily.
@razelove :
You'll do alright, and dating will be uncomfortable, leave you wanting to scream, sometimes in pleasure, mostly in frustration, but that part has nothing to do with autism
Another valid point. Dating is difficult, whether you have Autism or not.
Online dating sites for those with "special conditions"
@MissDawn7961 commenting on @CaptainSmartass's opinion:
You do not have to give up on dating at all unless you really want to ! you can try an online dating site for people with autism and other such special conditions
Autism is not a "special condition", it is a developmental disorder. This makes it harder for us to date, which both me and @Lynx122 have outlined. Why anyone would think that it is necessary for Aspies to only date fellow Aspies (also other types of Autism) is a mystery to me. It is quite clear that this could lead to problems as every single person with Autism is different.
Saying that people with "special conditions" should find someone who shares this "special condition" is like saying US citizens should only date US citizens because finding someone from another nationality is too difficult and wouldn't work out.
Girls don't like making the first move
An anonymous user commented:
I've always felt for many years now, that autism will hurt a guys chances in dating more than a girls chances in dating because historically, traditionally, guys are expected to make the first move and do the heavy-lifting in the interactions, conversations with girls, women, etc.
It has bothered me a lot, when people make comments saying "theres no point in worrying about who has it worse, a better mindset is to take and accept responsibility for every part of your life"
that's a fact of life that guys, men, are expected to do more than girls, women do, I know for a fact that's true, even some sources back it up.
Maybe it's because I was brought up differently, maybe it's because I'm "special"; I have no problem with making the first move. As a matter of fact, I have set up several dates in the past and been the first to ask for a kiss etc.
I can only recommend dating other cultures to this user, not everyone is afraid of making the first move.
Amateur psychiatrist/psychologist analysing my ability to receive physical attention
@talloak :
You mention that you both crave affection and react to an excess of affection. I suspect that there is also a conflict in attention given and received from another. I bet that your natural intensity of focus shows up in how you pay attention to a partner. But you also need much more space than most, at which point the attention is turned off. This is going to be really confusing to most people. Also, the timing will not always coincide with when your partner needs attention.
For these reasons, I think you need someone who is more emotionally secure than most. That would explain why you do better with more mature men. I'm sure there are mature younger men, just not as many.
I've never been in a relationship, I have no idea how I will react to someone I actually care about touching me. I mentioned that in my myTake, so why are you analysing me @talloak?
My timing is off, yes, I agree. But since I have the ability to put all of my energy into one thing, I feel like I will do well when it comes to giving someone attention and love that person deserves.
What really matters
@Heyheyheye:
Iam also Asperger and I dont have girlfriend but I think this depends more of the personality and ideas
Simply beautiful because of the truth this holds.
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I hoped I would be able to help some fellow Aspies by explaining my own difficulties with dating. Instead, some of the comments on my questions I asked on Autism weren't only opinions anymore but large misunderstandings. What is hard to see is these people pretending they know everything about Autism when quite frankly, they don't.
Especially elder users are a good example of this, and if you looked up some of them you'd see that for yourself.
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