Asperger's Syndrome (AS) and Dating: A Problem of Communication

[Anonymous]

For anyone who doesn't know, I was diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome (AS) when I was 11. It's a condition that impairs my comprehension of social cues, and non-verbal communication. This means that what may be socially natural to Neurotypical people (people who are not on the autism spectrum) will be very difficult for people with AS to comprehend. This comes into conflict with the dating world.

I read an article recently that I will post at the end of this mytake that dealt with this very topic. It said "If life in a society is a game (and make no mistake about it, it is), having Asperger's forces you to play while learning two-thirds of the rules as you go along, even as everyone else knows them instinctively ... and assumes you do too." The same goes for dating. It's already difficult for people with AS to communicate with others due to the condition, and thus we can come off as rude, or apathetic, when we simply aren't wired to instinctively understand social cues and norms surrounding communication. When it comes to dating, it's twice the difficulty, because due to having AS we have great difficulty connecting with people, which is the most crucial thing in dating. We have an instinctive thought process that says that if someone likes a person, surely they'll just come out and say it honestly. Right? Wrong! For example, if a girl were to keep canceling plans with a guy with AS, in all likelihood he'll assume she just can't make it today, when in actuality it means that they're not interested. I speak from personal experience. Meanwhile if a girl were to give a social cue that she likes him, if he has AS he's most likely not going to understand it without the girl actually saying she's interested. Evidently, this can often cause a social problem for both parties.

This would seem like common sense to someone who is Neurotypical, but to someone who has AS, telling them to use "common sense" is probably the most frustrating and unhelpful advice you could give them, because common sense involves typically instinctive social cues which is what AS causes you to misunderstand. So what will be obvious to someone in the dating world who is Neurotypical, won't be very easy to someone who has AS.

In the dating world, another social problem is added to the mix. We also have trouble forming the necessary emotional connections with people. Not only because of our problems with social cues, but also because of the anxiety. Due to various forms of social rejection over the years, even people with AS who received predominantly positive reinforcement in their early lives can still feel detached and alienated from society. So because of this, some of us will feel worried that we're going to make a social mistake or misinterpretation of a cue possibly ruin the date, which makes dating at least twice as challenging. It can become three times as challenging if the other person also has AS, because this means that you now have two people who have a communication disability that manifests itself based on the individual who are trying to see if the other person is interested.

Thus it can result in a feeling of isolation and loneliness for a person with AS. Now loneliness in of itself is in no way unique to AS. It's a very common problem. But AS does affect one's ability to cure it because of the fact that romantic love often requires reciprocated feelings that are known to both individuals. As people, we still feel emotions like everyone else but AS makes it feel unnatural for us to communicate them in the social context of Neurotypical people. If you can't give off appropriate social cues or read them, it's going to be a lot harder to form chemistry with the other person.

That being said, that doesn't mean someone with AS will never be able to form these relationships. If one studies human nature thoroughly enough, then they can find it easier to form romantic relationships. However even when one is established, there's still work to be done with communication. Relationship counseling can help these difficulties so if you're dating someone with AS, it would be a good idea to seek it if you're finding it challenging. Don't take things personally because due to the condition, someone with AS might not realize if something they said is offensive to you, since due to the problem with picking up social cues, the mannerisms might tend to be unusual. Lastly, be direct and consistent in your communication. Don't drop hints because chances are it won't do any good. And don't forget to be patient since learning the proper communication is a Herculean task for us.

For more information: https://www.mic.com/articles/75299/what-it-s-like-dating-with-asperger-s

https://www.betterhelp.com/advice/aspergers/what-do-i-need-to-know-about-dating-someone-with-aspergers/

[Darcia]

I have Aspergers and it isn’t that hard for me. I have a girlfriend now & she has some form of autism. I guess cause she understands but sometimes she doesn’t know. It’ll be days I’m off she wants and I don’t feel to do so for her. So we don’t. It has been months since we broke up. Because I didn’t feel she was interested and felt anxious trying to figure out. She would tell me but I wouldn’t know exactly what she was saying. So eventually I broke it off and we just been friends with benefits & BFFs so yeah but it wasn’t hard for me to date. I’ve had plenty of boys friends and dating experiences. But yeah nice Takes

[myTake Owner]

AS affects people somewhat differently so there can be some who might be able to communicate better, and I know a guy who had AS and is now Neurotypical. Common encounter I find is that they have more trouble

[Darcia]

I have no difficulties with dating but communicating I do. There is a difference in communication when you communicate with someone you’re wanting to date versus communicating in daily communication.

[myTake Owner]

I know that but since it's effects can be somewhat variable, other people with AS will find daily communication and dating to be more difficult for the same reasons. Similar to how some people with AS might get sarcasm, but others might not.

[Sevenpointfive]

i got the asburgers too

[koolkal]

Point made, point well taken.