A Guy's Guide to Digital Communication: How to Talk to Girls Online

[AmandaYVR]

A Male Guide to Digital Dating, Friendships, and Online Communication

So I'm not sure if this will seem too basic, maybe so (and if so, I apologize) but I have the feeling, after reading various posts and conversing with quite a few guys in private message, that this might be useful. I have noticed that sometimes generalities, vague and somewhat abstract advice is less helpful than the specific. So here goes... and please consider this a beginner's guide to online communication.

I Am Addressing This To:

• Young men who are just entering the dating world.
• Older men who feel they have not been successful dating in today's online world.
• Those who have always struggled reading social cues and feel they are at a disadvantage when it comes to reading and understanding communication (which is even more pronounced when speaking with the less familiar opposite sex, not their own peers.) This includes those with developmental issues, autism, Asperger's, etc.
• Anyone who is not interested in a sexual or romantic relationship, but seeks the company or friendship of others online.

This is Not Addressed To:

• Those interested in sexting, exchanging sexual photos with one purpose in mind, or not wanting a relationship or friendship. Those situations do not require as much skill, finesse, or tact. They are relatively easy and straightforward compared to the above mentioned.
• People who believe in sitting back and only receiving, not initiating or putting in equal effort reciprocating communication.

A Little Context:

First of all, you must assume that you are not the first, and not the only one contacting her. Happy about it or not, guys are still doing the vast majority of approaching, initiating, engaging, and even carrying of the conversations. I've done my best to encourage a more even distribution of this, but it is not a popular topic with many girls, so for now, looks like the ball is mostly in your court. I don't want to talk again about power plays, or inequities and the unfairness of this. I can only say that I sympathize with you, you will be the tougher for it emotionally (hopefully), and as it is a fact/continues to be the social norm, perhaps you need to just try and embrace it. The reason I bring this up is to remind you how this detail is affecting the dynamic. It is integral to the understanding of it.

Being Approached Frequently and Not the Initiator of Contact Could Create the Following:

• Improved skill in comparing and powers of discernment. The ability to quickly assess and differentiate one person's character and personality from another.
• Judgemental-ness whereby each person is compared and qualified, either passing to the next level, or being disqualified from the running.
• A preoccupation with being overly particular, seeking to communicate with only the top percentile, and having unrealistic expectations of a partner, and people in general.
• Skepticism and suspicion, largely due to a high probability of sex(ting) being the primary goal of the sender, as well as an obvious lack of discretion in whom they have chosen to contact. (A wide net technique, as opposed to selectiveness.)
• The commodification of people. Partners are now seen as a value proposition. 'What will this person bring to my life/do for me?' moreso than the more self-reflective 'What do I bring to the table, myself?' or 'What type of life can we build together?'
• The competitive nature of an Attention Economy (our eyes and attention are the most valuable commodity now and for the foreseeable future. Millions of online ads are bought and sold each second, auctioned off by algorithms which track our eyes, swipes, and scrolls.) Homeowners will spend only 9 seconds in-person/irl to assess a potential home's curb appeal, and represents the biggest financial investment of their life, in many cases. Online? 3 seconds. First impressions matter more than ever before.
• Feelings of high self-worth, inflated sense of self, over-valuing one's own desirability.
• The misconception that options are limitless. 'So many fish in the sea, another one will come along in no time.' (However this would be faulty reasoning. Market value is based on supply and demand, and is ever-changing, not fixed nor finite.)
• The Paradox of Choice is the concept that an abundance of choice causes anxiety, and instead of feelings of happiness, can cause paralysis in decision-making. More options does not equal more satisfaction in the long run.

What Not to Do:

• Do not send unsolicited nude photos of any kind. Guys, you need to hear and accept the fact that while you, the male species, can become instantly turned on by visual stimuli, the vast majority of females online (I'm going to say 80%, based on polls and comments I've seen) do not want nudes. The only time this is acceptable is in the heat of the moment, live, with both of you engaging in sexual talk. Even then, ask her first. In all other cases, do not do it. Most consider it offensive, not a turn on, and it may result in blocking you, revealing what you have done to others, disappearing and the creation of a new account in order to avoid you, in some cases, publishing this photo online publicly, and in worst case scenarios, blackmail and extortion.
• How many messages have you sent out in one day? Anything more than a handful of first point of contact messages is too many. Be more discerning. Learn something about them. Select them. Do not base it one a profile pic and nothing else. She's onto you.
• Do not begin with a first message with simply, "hi" and then wait and wait for a response. This is not enough. Expect that no response will come.
• Do not begin with, "Hi, how are you?" This is slightly better but still offers nothing as far as your personality, interests, or interest in them. Once you know them, go for it, but not for the first point of contact. You can do better.
• Do not immediately suggest going off the platform you are currently on, and expect them to be receptive. Each site has different (though not entirely dissimilar) rules and guidelines, and there is a certain safety in that. Some sites are more secure than others. You may make them feel uncomfortable if you immediately suggest meeting up elsewhere. Many will be suspicious. If you do suggest an alternate, you need to give a valid reason why. Understand that many online users like to keep their accounts separate, and will not expose their identities, or link them, until they feel more comfortable with that particular individual.

"I'm Not Getting a Lot of Responses. What Am I Doing Wrong?"

Possible Reasons:

1. No Fault of Your Own - "It's You, Not Me" :

• They are unmotivated. See 'Being Approached Frequently...' notes
• They have received many messages/notifications and are waiting for an opportune time to respond when they have time to devote to a proper conversation. Do not message again chastising for not responding. This is unnecessarily hostile. People have a life, other commitments and interests, and the most common complaint with online dating is, "It's a lot of work." Sometimes people get burned out. Solution: Just be patient.
• They don't yet have enough information in order to make an informed decision. Research will follow (reading profile bio, etc.) Solution: Be patient; You can also sweeten the pot by sending another, better formulated/conceived message. (No, it is not desperate. It's perfectly fine to show interest. and enthusiasm)
• They lack social skills. They may, or may not, want to engage. They either haven't learned, or don't see the value of good conversation. Outcome: TBD. You'll have to put in a significant amount of effort to decipher these types. But they can be inspired. Solution: Light a fire. The goal is to hit on a topic which appeals to them, and allow them the space to run with it.
• They do not like small talk. In fact, they abhor it. These types are harder to impress, but once you do, you're in. Solution: Stimulate their mind. Try deep, specific, abstract, or esoteric topics. Ideas matter a great deal to them.
• They prefer casual, light conversation. They are adverse to conflict and avoid debate. These people are flight risks, so tread cautiously. Solution: Try topical events, media and entertainment, general preferences, anything to find commonalities that do not challenge ideologies.
• The person is insecure. They want to engage, but do not know how. They have fears that their thoughts and ideas will not be interesting. They have feelings of inadequacy. They are afraid of judgement and critique. Solution: Find what interests and inspires them. You must try and dislodge them for their overthinking and get them to be active, not passive, controlled or second-guessing themselves.
• The person is dull. Solution: You can try and engage them, but if you are consistently met with bland, generic responses, consider they may just not be worth further time investment.
• They've looked at your profile or online history, it was sufficient to get a reasonably accurate read on you, and have decided you're 'not right for each other', 'not a match', but they'd rather not be direct. Avoidance/ghosting is most peoples' M.O.s nowadays. Right or not, many feel silence is the kinder option. Solution: You can attempt to be direct and ask them why they have not answered back, but in most cases this will not result in anything meaningfully constructive. Take safe harbour in the idea that one day you too may fall back on this convenient avoidance method.

Solution: If none of these adaptive techniques are successful, and with very little information or constructive feeback to go on, extensive self-reflection will do little good. So you can spend a certain amount of time pitying yourself (that's allowed - dating and communication are not easy), licking your wounds (indulge in whatever your favourite comfort food and activities are), and a bit of time being upset ("Who do they think they are? They're not so great. I didn't really want to talk to them anyway") but after that, the best use of your time and emotional energy is just to move on and chalk it up to the randomness of life.

Or perhaps...

2. You Were Not Engaging:

• The way that you initiated contact was generic, conveyed nothing in particular about your personality or character, and put the onus on them to create something. You think that you are sending out a test ping, to see how receptive they are, but this approach is wrong. You should attempt to be an engaging, right from the start. Solution: Be more interesting, or more specific.
• They know that you are simply playing a numbers game. They can sense, by what you said, that you reached out to many, they does not feel special, chosen for any particular reason, and therefore does not feel guilty about not responding. Low effort = low reward.

Sorry, but yes, they're judging you. They're dissecting everything you say. Is it exactly fair? No, not really. But it's the way it is. If it's any consolation, communication skills are communication skills. You need them in all walks of life. With friends, family, at work, everywhere. Learning to be engaging, interesting, bringing something to the table, is important. If it is not reciprocated, well then you've done your part. Don't blame yourself or beat yourself up over it. But you must first question whether what you put forth was good/interesting/entertaining/intriguing, or could use some improvement. A bit of self-reflection never hurt anybody.

3. Your Profile Photography & Bio Is Lacking:

• Your photography is lacking. While lack of vanity should be appreciated and respected, this is essentially online marketing, and men are worse at it than females (invest less time in it.) You cannot claim "men are visual" and appreciate the value of external beauty, and use a lackluster profile pic and others to encapsulate who you are. Women care less about the outer package than men do (particularly the older they get, as their priorities change), but this is not a justification to ignore this aspect of representing yourself.
• Your bio text is insufficient to be explanatory or of interest to many.

"So, How Do I Begin?"

• Jazz up your photographs. Get help, if you need to (from friends, a sister, someone who knows you well.) You might think this is embarassing but it's what girls do. And they may take literally hundreds before posting a handful of only the top best. For men, outdoor settings are the preferred, most universally liked, and will yield the best results in creating a positive first impression. They don't have to be sports and active ones, but outdoors is best. Do not use a shirtless or nude as your profile pic. If you worked hard at your body and want to show it off, do it in the later photos within your profile, not the main. (Again, this is written for those wanting relationships, not hookups.) Filters? They are a short term advantage but can create future problems, when the in-person doesn't match the online image. You'd be better off working on the photography than the filters. If you use filters, don't make it obvious. Angles and lighting are more key. (And if you happen to know anyone who really knows photography, use a Key Light: The first and usually most important light a photographer, cinematographer, lighting cameraman, or scene composer will use in a lighting setup. The purpose is to highlight the form and dimension of the subject.) I cannot stress the importance of lighting enough.
• Likewise, you need to invest time into describing yourself, what matters to you, in order to find someone who will relate and appreciate you. Very little text = very little chance of finding compatability.

• 

Now You Are Ready to DM:

• Be specific about what inspired you to contact them. Ex: "Hey there. I saw your [profile/comment/question/picture/etc.] and I just wanted to say I really liked [x]. Thought I'd give you a [shout/ping/dm]" "I noticed you have an interest in x. That's cool. Me too." "Hey, I wanted to get your advice on something. It seems like you [give good advice on/know something about x]" If you want to talk about a specific aspect of their profile, question, comment, article, etc. you saw them write online, send a link along with your message. Don't expect that they remember you or can relate it to you. When in doubt, provide context.
• Ask questions. Ask open-ended, broad questions that do not call for a yes or no answer. Alternatively, if you're getting absolutely nothing, ask some rudimentary questions that take the heat and pressure off, and allow for yes or no. Sometimes this can build a basic momentum. As I like to say, 'Get the talking ball rolling.' Questions should flow with no one dominating, but both people adapting and going where the tide takes you.
• Have nothing to say? Then maybe wait until you do. Have nothing to talk about in general? Then go out and life some life. Explore, read, learn, grow. If you have no ideas, no interests, nothing to talk about with a brand new person who knows nothing about you, I'm afraid you may have some more issues than just being shy. Don't expect others to be your inspiration. Don't fixate on whether your interests are a match. Quite often, passion begets passion. Your zest for life, or for a few even esoteric things, can be contagious.
• Compliments and flattery do work. I have heard sometimes that one should not do that (because, for instance, it gives that person the upper hand, control, yada yada) but I would advise against thinking this way. Do not attempt to ingratiate yourself or be a sycophant or pander to their ego, but positivity will always have a higher chance of success in life than negativity or neutrality. If you can't think of one positive or flattering thing to say, why are you contacting them? (Ex: "I saw what you wrote on [x] and I thought that was really [insightful/clever/smart/wise/funny/etc.]" And by the way, men receive significantly fewer compliments in general, but I don't believe you can fix a negative with another negative. Lead by example. And if they don't respond in kind, and appear to be withholding, move on and finder a nicer person. And by the way, why do you not want to give compliments? Because it puts your feelings out there, makes you vulnerable? Afraid of getting hurt once they know you like something about them? You need to get over that. All the best stuff in life happens with effort, with vulnerability, with proclaiming what you like, what you want, going after it, and getting it. If you do this right, and they feel the same, others will follow your lead. And there is nothing better than reciprocal love.
• And my last tip: I am an observer of things, and stats and demographics interest me. And I have noticed that users online who use a human first name (even if not their actual name) are typically more direct, forthright, honest, as well as receptive to getting to know people. There is a certain kind of declaration to this: "I am what I am. Take it or leave it, but I stand by who I am." There was a study done, where participants were less likely to lie when their first and last name is divulged. Our identity is wrapped up in who we are. While in social contexts online last names are neither necessary nor adviseable, first names are a good sign. The more obfuscation there is, the less your chances of finding a person who is being their authentic self and not altering the image of themselves. Chameleons are skillfully adapatable, which can indicate a flexible person open to compromise and interested in interacting with a variety of personality types. However... cryptic, non-descriptive, aggressive, antagonistic, self-egrandizing and promoting pseudonyms, and a heavy emphasis and priority on selfies, should be explored with a healthy dose of caution. They can belie a manipulative, dishonest, narcissistic, or non-receptive person. As well, if the photos look too good to be true, I would recommend doing a reverse image search. You may be surprised how many are spoofing, and it is easy to uncover. Catphishing for money and even misrepresentation of gender is becoming more and more common, and ain't nobody got time for that. Have serious doubts? Get them on the phone, or video chat. If they refuse, consistently, even after several months of communication, you might have yourself a person with no intention of exploring a deep, meaningful relationship, or someone who is deeply insecure in who they are or if they will be accepted as they are, or a catphish. May be time to cut bait.
• So the moral of the story is: Put your best foot forward, be interesting, be a person of character. Express yourself, be playful, have fun. If it doesn't work out, you've put in the effort and it is not reciprocated, don't blame yourself, or what you lack. No one is perfect, we all have strengths and weaknesses, and the world is a big place.

• 

[Eagle_93]

Very well written.

I completely agree with most of what you said here.

It is very important for each of us to be our genuine selves no matter what the context.
With that being said however, it is also equally important for us to be maliable in our ways to improve ourselves.
Some of the best changes I have made to myself, came from listening to others and being introspective (and truly honest with myself about something).

If we want to be an interesting person, we should take more interest in others and other things.

And one big thing is: STAY CURIOUS about life.

I almost cannot emphasize that enough.

Most people after entering adulthood never seek more wisdom and knowledge, or excitement and experiences.

I however absolutely LOVE to learn new things, go on adventures, experience the world and travel.

Oftentimes, when we get caught up in our own echo-chamber, it is difficult to see the perspective of others (which I feel is of great importance).

Again, thanks for writing this.
I appreciate it!
It's always good to know what the opposite sex thinks about a particular matter (imo) Cheers :)

[el_Te_de_la_Rosa]

I totally agree with "Most people after entering adulthood never seek more wisdom and knowledge, or excitement and experiences."

I teach boys, and observed how they're so curious about facts, history, wars, science, heroes and everything. Alas, most of grown up men around me have only few of interest. Sex, politics, money.

[Annajamey]

That is amazing & useful dating tips for guys when we have to stay at home. Many people need this to break ice if wanna have online dating.

[AmandaYVR]

Thank you 💛

[meesegoMoo]

Great take. I enjoyed the archetypal information as that's what I miss most compared to when I communicate in-person. I only have one slight push-back, and that is the point on flattery.

Compliments, when well placed and worded, can be great. I am against flattery by the definition I have always used and those around me IRL have used. Flattery is a flippant or insincere attitude that I dislike using personally. It's the angle at which it works that bothers me.

If I'm talking to somebody I respect, or admire in any way, there is a good chance they'll cease communication or be offended should they catch on to my methods.

[AmandaYVR]

I totally hear you, and I respect your desire for authenticity. It sort of makes me want to wretch, the idea of using flattery as a tool.
I am well aware of the technique, even used in business, of 'book-ending' criticisms within compliments. I don't want people to feel that is necessary. But apparently it is for some, or at least, it works very efficiently, and allows one to save face and not feel too demoralized.

Like, I am quite often brutally honest, but I mean all of what I say, and because I see the messiness of life so often, it is just part of my nature to list both the positives and the negatives of a person (including myself), a situation, a product, a movie, what have you. I'm not complimenting just to do a backhand. I mean both.

I don't want to propagate the idea of ingratiating oneself or inauthenticity at all. I just want to say that if you do really like something about a person, why not share it? (Also, in that, I want encourage women to compliment guys more, instead of it being a one-way street, so often.)

I think people hold back for a variety of reasons, but many of them are not very good ones, imho - because they want to keep the other person humble, because they don't want to show vulnerability/desire, because they are a narcissist and prefer to only be on the receiving end of what life has to offer.

But in the definition you gave, I do understand, and agree.

Again, I can't believe you're only 19. You really have a good head on your shoulders. Smart family, you guys.

[meesegoMoo]

Oh, it's not entirely like that. The part of my family I grew up with were borderline pathological liars, they would have short clear periods where they would admit to it. I became very cynical for a time, and my distrust has remained by my will.

[AmandaYVR]

Ooooh, that is very interesting.
Yes, I know the feeling. I am actually very cynical and skeptical as well. I have also witnessed so many people not being honest about their true motivations and intentions. But I eventually came to the conclusion that that's life, that's humans for you.
You've got me pondering the root of mine now. I hadn't thought about that, actually.

[meesegoMoo]

It's not worth too much of your time. Finding the source of the soul has robbed many of their youth, 'tis a deep and long rumination.

[Guy13]

Intellect and both the desire to care and implement is the key to getting women seemingly outside of one's league.

[zeitgeist057]

Very nicely written Amanda, and some excellent points, but I have a bit of a different experience/perspective.

I have/had (in disuse atm) an OKC account. I've met 3 women on that platform. Dated one, married (then separated) another, and the remaining one consistently refers to me as "(her) favorite person in the world". So some pretty decent connections/intimacy on all accounts. But the "formula of my success" in meeting them was not as you describe. In fact, I did what you described and it was a waste of countless hours.

I would look at various profiles and be very selective, choosing only the very top matches and women I really thought I could develop a special connection with. I read every word of their bios, paid attention to small details in their photos, even went to the extra section where you can see how they answered questions that you also answered. I answered hundreds of these multiple choice matching questions with additional details as to why I chose the particular multiple choice answer that I did. After really getting into these profiles, many of which I decided against contacting, I would compose an initial message. Nothing too long, nothing too short, something that spoke to the person I had discovered a small piece of, showing some of myself as well. Most would be roughly as long as what I've written here so far, perhaps three paragraphs with an average of 250 words.

I also filled out the profile questions completely, uploaded many photos, at least a dozen. Attempted to show my values and personality without vomiting up a bunch of "Look at me! I'm amazing!" vibes.

I would spend somewhere around 30 minutes to an hour on one potential match. I have no idea how many women I messaged over the course of the years. 100? 150? Few, if any responses. No response or what I started to internally refer to as an, "Okay, you have my attention, now entertain me." response.

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing and expecting a different result. So I changed my approach. I spent a little time creating a cut and paste first message, something like, "I checked out your profile and find you attractive on multiple levels. If you are interested, please check out my profile and let me know if the attraction might be mutual? I'd love to chat with you more in depth if so." I might add a brief personal reference to something they wrote in their profile.

I then continued to browse and select potential matches, but with significantly less attention to small details. I was tired of giving all this attention and basically wasting my time on people who often didn't even acknowledge my message. So I went on match %, cute photos, a quick read of their profile blurbs and maybe some of our match questions. Then I would cut and paste and send my generic message of interest. Using this method, I contacted closer to 12 women in a 2-3 hour session that normally would have resulted in me sending 1-2 messages. Every week I had responses from at least a handful of women, whereas before I would get usually zero responses, maybe one.

[zeitgeist057]

Two of those were the women I ended up going on dates with and one became my girlfriend, the other a dear friend.

My ex was a different story; she actually messaged me first. I was traveling through Central America, but I knew where I was going to be working once I got back stateside, so in a proactive move I changed my OKC profile to that location. I had planned to look once I arrived, but she contacted me a month before and I got the notification in my email.

I think when women become more selective, men don't have much choice but to become LESS selective. If they are ALSO more selective, then they narrow their results down to nothing or next to nothing. Women can afford to be selective because they are swimming in attention. Men who do what I did at first, and are selective and careful about the messages they send, get lost in the heap along with the rest.

I do agree with most of what you wrote, if not the interpretation of appropriate actions to take based on that information.

[AmandaYVR]

Your method, what you eventually wrote to them, is quite masterful. Great strategy 👍

(But if all guys stopped casting such a wide net, the girls wouldn't be flooded, and the whole thing could equalize. Just sayin'.)

[zeitgeist057]

It's true, if men stopped doling out attention it would become more valuable, but that's a big "if" that I don't see happening soon, or ever.

If we go back in time pre-internet you saw less global interconnectivity, but greater local connectivity. The lonely farm girl wasn't able to garner 2 million followers posting on her insta, so she appreciated the attention she got from the three cute guys in the town 15 miles away a whole lot more. It probably was even more stimulating to her than what a modern girl feels from a thousand followers. I certainly know my dozens of friends in college gave me more fulfillment than my current 892 (or whatever) "friends" on Facebook.

[zeitgeist057]

Attention is social currency, but it is experiencing an inordinate amount of "inflation" and devaluation when it comes to the individual give our current technological interactions.

[AmandaYVR]

"Attention is social currency, but it is experiencing an inordinate amount of "inflation" and devaluation when it comes to the individual giveN our current technological interactions."
I LOVE that sentence 👍
I'm going to use this in the future, k?

[zeitgeist057]

Of course. <3

[Boppy]

This was an interesting, if disheartening read. From a game design perspective, it's unbalanced and nobody enjoys playing.
I feel like a lot of these points apply to online conversations in general, too. It has been hard for me to make genuine connections with people online. Even sending someone a DM and it turning into a short chat may just be their politeness (on smaller forums where we both frequent). Loneliness online in general seems common, parasocial relationships are rampant, and I am here looking for love?

I didn't offer much insight and am too tired for cleverness but thanks for the read. You made many interesting points, as seems like your usual style.

[AmandaYVR]

Yep, that's a fair assessment.

[Kaneki05]

Welp there goes my plans time to delete my nudes lol.
i would say if you need an Guide to tell you not to send nudes. You ain't a person who will ever have a girlfriend anyway.

And my guide is much more simple but effective in it's own right don't keep doing what your doing if it ain't working. And experience stuff for yourself and learn yourself. If you are sound of mind you should be to text a girl just fine or learn how to.

I've just learnt to never text first seems to work better if the girl is intrested in you enough to instigate. This maybe just helpful for me tho.

[AmandaYVR]

You sound very sensible.

So do you find quite a few girls reach out first?

[Kaneki05]

No not many at all. But it's better than short convos or none at all. Rather have something works than blind luck.
If someone likes what they see they will try and make contact or lowkey stalk you a bit to see if they like what else you have going on. And if they do and they ain't socially awkward they will tend to reach out.

These days tho a lot of people are socially awkward. With me i also find it okay because i don't like most people and i am sure most people won't like me.

But i do believe there will always be people who will like someone for them been them it's only a matter of time. It's actaully how i met my best friend. Was legit talking about how i like pizza in a chat.
And she made a joke about something on pizza slowley creeping into my life and she instigated later by checking my profile and seening we have simlar thoughts so then she dm me.

And we have been friends for a whole year now. So it does work.

[ecfresh]

Thanks for the take, as you said it was focused on the more junior and inexperienced guy. I would suggest more structure as some of the paragraphs tended to blend points; such as:

Offer problem a, then solution a

Offer problem b, then solution b

That’s easier for guys to discern than offering problem a, then solution a.. problem b, then solution b.

But I hope guys will read and be encouraged to initiate conversations online with women that interest them. As you said it’s on them to put in the effort and be creative as women get so many targeted messages and often have to sift through them to find diamonds in the rough.

[AmandaYVR]

I'm very frustrated with the formatting here, as after reading your message, one of very first, I realized that all the bullet points and formatting I used when I composed it on the web version using a PC, did not exist when viewing within the app, on either of my two mobile devices (iphone, ipad.)
I contacted the site about this and they have been trying to work on it, but basically haven't fixed it and now it's past the 48 hour editor window as well.

If you view it using the website instead, it will read much better.
Lesson learned: never use bullets on gag.

A Guy's Guide to Digital Communication: How to Talk to Girls Online ↗

[ecfresh]

Thanks for the response, glad you highlighted an improvement for the site. Likely a feature they should focus on and will help others. I can see why you are frustrated! Glad it shows as you intended on the website :)

[lnva87]

Wish I would have had this 10 years ago.

I'm kind person who is quite few in words (in my native langue, for some reason going English is easier). I find it difficult often to start with anything more interesting than "Hi, how are you". Big part is that in here most profiles have very little text.
And while I'm person who values much what peoples word is worth typing much about my self often feels pointless as anyone can write anything and so many don't even try to be honest.

But yes right or wrong at least at start guys have responsibility to open and carry conversation. Everyone does it their own way, even us with few words there will eventually be our counterpart (if you just would know).
So guys check profiles with thought and if there is anything to use, use it. If not go with what you got and if there is like minded person in other end you will get response.

[AmandaYVR]

I like your thinking.

That is very interesting you find your non-native language easier/more words. Intriguing.

[sensible27]

Marked. The first pucture in 'you were not engaging' is only partially accurate. I regularly meet people who would much prefer small talk over any of it. Most people don't really like to talk about anything productive in reality as it reminds them of their mishaps and is energy intensive.

[AmandaYVR]

Yeah, it's just one scenario. There are lots of personality types so one has to be flexible.
I agree, in that black text picture death, insecurity, and fears is a bit much. Those topics are for much later discussion, if ever. It was just an example of how much some people really loathe small talk.

[sensible27]

I forgot to say thank you. So thank you. I would've never taken the time out of my day to write something this lengthy that not a lot of people are really going to read. I've marked it for later read. You are too kind.

[sawno]

I think a lot of this applies to online etiquette in general, there is one thing i have never managed though. With almost anyone especially women that is not one of my closer online friends. And that is getting people to frequently initiate the chats. I can have the best conversations, have her enjoy it ever single time, have her tell me she misses me if i didn't contact her in a while. But never have her initiate on her own, and i simply stop trying if i notice its not mutual and then the friendship or whatever else we had going is dead.

[AmandaYVR]

Oooh I know what you mean. This is very common. I've experienced this a lot too, being either the first or second person in the scenario. I don't know. It's hard to identify the real cause, because it can be for so many reasons - social awkwardness, busy schedules, different ideas on preferred modes of communication, and lastly a lack of interest to maintain the friendship. Hard to know which eh.

[Sensmind]

This will be a good article for analytical souls or maybe as you stated some folks starting of in a new era of their life (whatever their age) , it is good to have all the tips in one place but it is possibly the wrong thing to have for a person like me , an overthinker. As far as I can recall, any successes I have had in social life from making a friend to romance always seem to be instinctive moments where I think back "How did I do that, I am not too sure".
I have no recollection of ever saying "I will start at A, then move to B, wait for C to happen then cross to D, as E approaches , I will move to my destination F", thought about thousands of times, maybe even tried it out a good few times but did it ever work, I honestly can't remember it ever working out.
Funny thing is I am insanely logical in nearly every other part of my life, I digress a bit - Be positive , if it helps a few guys online that is great but I will just truck along being myself.

[AmandaYVR]

It's really not sequential though. One never knows what personality types they will be talking to, so I just listed some things one might come up against. It's all about being spontaneous, flexible, and learning to pivot.

[Stonernights]

So the only part I'll focus on is the nudes. I do disagree with the nude pics or at least say I am the "20%" she believes she has seen through polls. But asking first is the best way to do it. Most guys ask do ask 1st before they send so that's cool. If I've been talking to a guy awhile he ask to send one, but never just send without asking. That's only random guys looking to sext for the night. That's fine too. Sometimes I'm just online to sext.
Some guys dont ask ar all and I will ask if they will send a d pic and then they will. Those guys are cool, I like guys who are willing to make me happy for the moment and help me out.
Then there are guys who just dont send any. They are cool too. I dont mind but I'd say the worst part of that is my mind doesn't go to them for masturbation as much as the guys who do send them. Because for every guy that won't, SO many will and getting nudes from a guy you know is not hard at all for girls.

[Godofbliss]

How long do you expect the guy to pretend? Lol

It simply is not worth the effort and all guys find that out eventually... that's why it's girls running after guys later in life...

Simple fact... be yourself and if they like you for you... good for you.. if they don't, days saved... and time to give someone else who might be a better match for you a try..

also, if you're well kempt and have really good photos... highly likely you won't have to know how to approach if that's the only problem..

[gemgem]

I think you’re just wrong about the idea that sending a few substantive messages is the better approach. I have tried that, and tried spamming thoughtless one liners, and there is no significant difference in the reply rate. Girls still only reply based on (I assume) your pics and profile, not the opening message. Other guys I have talked to have said the same thing. So the best/most efficient play is just to spam generic messages to as every girl you find attractive. Which is why online dating is terrible.

[Jjpayne]

This is amazing! Thank you! I am totally going to use this! You rock!

[AmandaYVR]

Thanks, Jj 😘

[Aakash_Hangargi]

It was good take, but moulding ourselves to the extent where we don't even feel like ourselves any more is too much i guess there were lots of expectations
But as you said it I what it is 😅
Hence agree with you.
But as for me I will be myself even if it means ending up all alone. And I know you didn't said anything about changing onself.
But feels like dating a detective it's ok😁

[Unit1]

Hum. Very nice try I must say... However Nollagirl has something to complement to your piece. Perhaps there is more to it than meets the eye.

https://www.youtube.com/embed/fXTSJUnphCg

I am on a crossroad right here 😂😁

Or maybe should I go back and keep doing what I'm doing and bark up the moneytree, you know, like, WOOF, WOOF! 😁👌

[AmandaYVR]

This woman is beautiful, very easy on the eyes, but I'm sorry, half of what she says is complete crap. She's projecting based on her limited experience and observations about life. Many of her claims are just baseless stereotypes and mass generalizations that conveniently fit her own narrative she has concocted as being de facto and applicable to all. She's either not that smart, or is surrounded by people who are existing only on their base animal instincts. What exactly is she basing any of her claims on? Anecdotal observations or personal feelings, not actual knowledge or research from any scientific community. She's completely discounting the ability for higher thinking, self-control, logic, rational thought (perhaps because she's not capable of it herself.) She seems to be implying she is above many of the things she criticizes (as in, she's aware of them, and rejects them, so how could she be in any way contributing to them) but I don't buy all her 'wisdom.' Looks to me like she's partaken in all the very same things she critiques, and now she's moved on, in supposed enlightenment and self-awareness? But just because she's fallen victim to the mentality and thinking of such base desires, competition, vanity, image cultivation, fame seeking, etc. does in no way mean that rest of all women have also done or are doing the same. She needs to get with a better class of people, or read. Learn something. Her world view is much too small and limited.

I suspect she has been semi-successful with a youtube channel because of her looks. She's gorgeous, I'll give her that. It's why I listened to her videos. But she should not be propogating these opinions and pseudo-science crap as fact.

I suggest you stop listening to this biased propaganda she peddles. She's doing more harm than good.

[Unit1]

Huh. This is why i prefer brains before beauty (a wordplay involving Mrs. @Brainsbeforebeauty ). Maybe her methods will work on half of the women, who have more beauty than brains. And then there are women, who have more brains than beauty but they are most often found to be of older ages.

What she said *may* be true. But what also *may* be true is that men are disgusted (muh masculinityyyyyy nuuuhhhh strong womyn) by being asked out by women (since some put it in such a powerful message). I don't know at this point. What seems like the safest option is to keep doing what I'm doing.

But one thing is certain - Class attracts class.
And one tip I especially liked from someone I know is the following:

"Don't understand women. You just need to love women."

:>

[Brainsbeforebeauty]

@Unit1 And some of us have brains and beauty 🙂😛 lol

[Unit1]

@Brainsbeforebeauty Very likely they do have both.

But most importantly.
What does their bank say about them ;) ?

Nononono, it's not what you think it is - unless you know me. Living with someone, who is bad with finances (aka they pile up debts like it's dust whilst walking around with Gucci bags) is a no go is what I am saying :D

[Brainsbeforebeauty]

Oh totally agree with that! Gucci bags lol never get why women spend so much on a friggin handbag that ain't worth shit all for the label name and feel big and important. 🤷🏼‍♀️

[el_Te_de_la_Rosa]

@Unit1 That is true. "Class attracts class."

For me, Bad boys are immature people. That's why immature women are attracted to them. Only if they learn that the feeling like roller-coaster excites them, but it is not what a relationship should be. They would be open to men who are emotionally secure and able to provide peacefulness to them.

[Unit1]

@el_Te_de_la_Rosa That's basically what I thought.

[AmandaYVR]

@el_Te_de_la_Rosa Exactly.

[grega239]

Assume you're not the first and only one contacting her.
A female friend of mine said that.
I interpreted that as : you're not the only one who bought a lottery ticket.

That was the end of me trying to establish any kind of relationship with women.
No I never got any replies and the ones I did get, went nowhere.

[AmandaYVR]

It's definitely not a lottery ticket. That's a pretty harsh interpretation. It's more just a simple supply and demand thing like in economics or capitalism. Good things are in demand, wanted. It doesn't have to be a dog fight or anything else negative. Relationships are two-way streets and both people have to like and want the other person for anything to exist. I don't think you need to take offence to it.

There is a guy here who just wrote a mytake 'Men Are the Prize' and I disagreed with him. For a couple of reasons, but one of them is simply that no one should be thinking of themselves as a prize. People can have standards, but hierarchies and assigning value to people is just gross. Not all women think of themselves as such.

[grega239]

In order for supply and demand to work, the supplier must be convinced that it will pay off. I'm unwilling to supply for free , especially if the demand is too big and too frequent for me to deliver.
I do take offense if I'm looked at as charity and being taken advantage of.

I saw that. Stopped reading it.

Women. Usually see themselves as the prize.

Hierarchies exist everywhere and people do have value depending on this status in society.

[genericname85]

lol in my personal experience, people tend to avoid you and call you pedant or knowitall if you use a very precise and differenciated vucabulary xD you're more likely to be avoided if you sound "smart" while talking, cause it tends to intimidate people.

also i often feel like if i used words that i naturally would use, i would spend more time explaining words than actually saying what i wanted to say, so i usually break it down to simple words that people understand.

[_inkRat]

Its nice article, but for me it created far more questions than answers. One of biggest thing you assume is that we know what to talk about. I have a lot hobbies and interests, but they usually aren't what woman are interested in, and I do hate small talk.
So how you decide on topic? More so what to do if you dont want to play games?

[AmandaYVR]

Well there would be no point me being specific in suggestions of what to talk about, right? Every person is different and every combination of two people is unique. They have to find their own alchemy, whatever works.

No, I never advocate playing games. But I believe that adaptability is a skill and a choice, and it is different than manipulating for one's own personal gain.

I do think some guys and some girls are so far from centre on where their interests lie, that they will inherently have more difficulties finding a person of the opposite sex who will share their interests or passions. But that's nothing new. Everyone at one time or another struggles with this. Even in an office setting, people have to search for some basic commonalities, when they're not talking exclusively about work.

I think you should look at it as beginning each connection with fresh eyes, trying not to bring too much past baggage and experience into it. You never know when something you want to talk about will spark another's interest or curiosity. As I mentioned above, sometimes passion begets passion. Not always, but this does happen. It's best at first to search for some common ground, something you might both be able to relate to, and then once they know you better and appreciate you, they will also learn to like and accept your more esoteric interests.

[AmandaYVR]

If a girl spent hours talking about her Instagram account (it's a random example, because the female user base on there is 80% of all users), and a guy spent hours talking about his favourite 1st person shooter video game... well these are likely too specific and far from centre, to be of interest, right? But talking about a movie that was recently released, a new band, a restaurant that moved into the neighbourhood etc... these are pretty accessible topics that many find acceptable. Talking about a local crime that took place in one person's town, not a good idea. Talking about a news or topical item that affects the whole world, good. We all have to tolerate each other. Sitting through a topic we don't actually enjoy is just part of life. The compromise is the other person doing a summary which does not go on too long, and who is observant about silence on the other end. At that point, it would be polite to pivot to something else. And in an ideal scenario, it is a dance, equally taking turns in this.

There are so many other issues to contend with in relationships, with the innate differences in how men and women think, their approaches to life, etc., finding topics to talk about isn't one of the hardest. Although there is one thing that everyone has in common - they like talking about themselves. They like having people listen to them, be interested, be curious. A famous person who has done thousands of interviews throughout their lifetime is quoted as saying, "There was only one thing they all had in common. And that was that they wanted to feel heard." To listen to someone is to pay them respect, to value their thoughts and opinions. It is not always easy or enjoyable to do this, but sometimes it is really the only true need of all people. Allowing someone to speak is a gift. You just hope that the other person recognizes and appreciates that.

[Anpu23]

Good my take, it's unfortunate that it needed to be written.