Definition of ghosting
I think the term ghosting isn't too unfamiliar with people these days, but for those that don’t know, ghosting is when someone stopped replying to your message and completely disappear from your life.
The story of my ghoster
Many years ago, I met this amazing kindhearted guy when he offered me a great help. I have always been told I am ugly by my family and he’s the first person to tell me I am pretty, and even asked me out. Everything was perfect for 5 months and suddenly after a fantastic date he just leave my message on read for days before replying. I cling on to that for another month thinking he was just busy and he does care for me. But soon I realized I couldn’t live in a constant cycle from happiness to receive his message, to anticipate his replies, and finally despair when he doesn’t replies for days or week.
It was one of the darkest days of my life to feel so worthless that he wouldn’t even tell me he’s not interested. My grades slipped, my self-esteem was crushed and my mental health hit rock bottom. I had to see a psychiatrist on weekly basis.
What I learnt
1. There is no such thing as ‘no time’ for a text
One of the excuse my ghoster gave me was he didn’t have time to message me because he works at the airport and have weird schedules. Funny enough I end up working at the airport in the same company as him a few years later. He saw me and was shocked. And during my time working at the airport I was able to see my boyfriend and go on many trips together.
So there is no such thing as ‘no time’ for a text. Let’s be honest, how long does it take for you to send a text? Less than a minute. If someone couldn’t even spare 1 minute of their time to send you a message during the day, it is worth your time to wait for them? And how much love does that person have for you? Not even a minute, so don’t stay around someone that wouldn’t spare a minute to listen to your day.
2. Deleting all contact is not the solution
One of the suggestions my psychiatrist gave me was to delete all contact with him so that I forget him. I lied to her and said I deleted but I didn’t. It wasn’t because I still want traces of him, but more so as I have read only when you look at them and you didn’t have any feelings for them that you have truly gotten over that person.
At the start it was hard trying not to look at his fb or message him or see when he’s online, but as time goes by it all gotten easier. When I started working at the airport and he saw me again, he asked me out for a coffee, which I agree. He told me he’s been single and asked why I didn’t choose him. I told him my time is too precious to wait for someone who wouldn’t spare a minute for me. My boyfriend can tell I am upset from just a few messages and will drop everything to be at my side when I am sad, that’s the guy I want in my life. Not someone who only remember me when they are bored and forget that I existed when they are having fun with their friends.
3. Ghosters have undesirable traits
In the years, I came to realize that saying ‘you are not interested’ is actually very hard. You worried what you will say will hurt the other person (I think that’s what my ghoster felt) so is much easier to just disappear and hope for the other person to leave, that way you don’t need to tell them. Some ghoster does it because they are trying to keep their options open, so when their crushes don’t like them you can be the backup.
Neither of those features are desirable features you want in a partner.
The first being avoids confrontation. You have heard people say a lot communication is the key for successful relationship and that is very true. Whenever my boyfriend and I have a problem we tell each other how it made us feel and only from that you can see what is wrong and how the other person felt. If someone couldn’t even tell you they are not interested in you, do you still want to stick around for that person? Because you wouldn’t get any communication out of them.
The second one is worst, someone that treats you as a backup. Ask yourself do you want to be a backup? As cheesy as it sounds you might be his backup, but you can also be someone else’s priority and I can tell you is far better to be someone’s priority when they spoils you than being a backup, being tossed aside always waiting for that pity attention.
4. Never be a ghoster yourself
Because I knew how much it hurts from a ghoster, I made a promise that I will never ghost anyone. Yes it was hard to tell them that you don’t feel that way, but at least you gave them some sort of closure rather for them to wait around.
Conclusion
Why I wrote this is because I have seen lots of people online asking what does it mean when they don't reply, does he/she still love me? Don't think too low of yourself! You deserve to be someone's priority! If that person make you doubt as if they love you or not then you already knew the answer and that is a NO they don't love you enough. When you found someone that truly treasure you, that will not be the question you ask. Good luck everyone in finding that special someone and never wait around for someone that doesn't deserve you, life is too short to waste.
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