Girls: Dating 101: True Love Waits

AmandaYVR

This is going to be the first in a series of Dating 101 myTakes I will be doing.

I will take one very common question, scenario, dilemma or subject, and unpack it, decrypt it, explain or explore it. Some will focus on girls, some on guys, and some on both together.

First up, 'Waiting'

Girls: Dating 101: True Love Waits

I'm going to talk about this because I see variants of it come up a lot.

Ex:

'I created an account on [whatever site]. I lied about my age, just to check it out. I'm curious. I've been talking to this guy. He's a lot older than me. I'm a virgin and he doesn't know. He wants to sext with me. Should I?'

'I really like this guy, but we don't know each other well yet. He asked me online what type of stuff I'm into sexually. He doesn't live that far away from me. He wants to hook up. Should I meet him?'

'This guy I just met has a lot of experience, sexually, and I haven't done anything yet. I'm worried I won't be enough for him, he'll get bored of me if I don't fulfill his fantasies. I'm freaking out.'

'I've never given a blowjob. I'm kind of curious about it all, but nervous. I've been talking to this guy. I like him. But he told me, "spitters are quitters", and I'm not sure if I'm ready for swallowing. It kinda grosses me out. What should I do?'

'Do all guys always expect a blowjob before intercourse?'

'So What Should I Do?'


Do not listen to the [sometimes loud or convincing] voices of some guys who are attempting to pressure you into an 'everybody's doing it' mentality. They do not speak for all guys. This is called Persuasive Argument Style. It's a tactic. They have little to lose. Well, they could lose you, but what seems to be happening more, is that young girls are pressured into doing sexually more than they are entirely ready for it. Do it because you want to. Know that you want to. If you are getting 'a funny feeling' about the way a guy is acting, or alarm bells are going off in your head, or if your feelings about deciding to do it stem from insecurity, it's not right. Just because somebody (one person) wants something, doesn't mean they need to get it. Waiting for things, patience, and earning things is important. It values them more.

As a matter of fact, some of the better guys will be put off if and when they find out you did succumb to this pressure, and fell for 'the bad guys.' (And no, they don't want you to lie to them about your experience.) It's not that they all see you as 'trash', or that they all have sexist double standards. It's that they see you as a person who is easily convinced, manipulated, and doesn't have good judgement. It is incorrect (and unfair) to categorize these types of men as 'ones who can't get laid.' They are discerning, and they want you to be too.

I know there have been shifts in dating, relationships, and communication, etc. But, them liking you, and you having a relationship with them, is not dependent on whether you quickly have sex with them (or sext, give bj's, etc.)

This is not a lecture about what you should or should not do. I am not here to judge you, and no one else should either. I support you, I support freedom of choice, but I support you in it being your decision. I only want to convey to you that there may be expectations sometimes, yes, but there is no 'standard', no 'normal.' And even today, in this particular climate, there are many guys who will wait for you to be ready, to be as enthusiastic as they are, and to find out if you are the girl they want to be with, and vice versa.

From What I Have Observed, & Discussed Privately With Guys Here, Guys Fall Into One of These 4 Categories :

1. He Won't Wait Around Guy: He's seems interested. You've been chatting, small talk mostly. Things get sexual pretty quick. "I might like him, but I'm not sure if he's just into me for sex.. So I kind of made up an excuse, said I gotta go", or "I took a while to get back to him" or "I ghosted him a bit to see what he would do, and then I didn't hear back from him." "He likes talking to me about sex, but when we're not, he disappears again. A: Run, girl, run. He's looking for easy pickings. His interest in you is limited. He'll do a small amount of work but that's it. If he's slow to respond, is unresponsive, and shows little interest in you about all other topics... drop him. He didn't pass Phase I. As Gandalf says, 'The way is shut.'

2. Double Standard Guy: This is the one you need to sniff out and ascertain quickly. He puts on the charm, feigns interest in you, may also act [temporarily] enthusiast and passionate, but secretly he doesn't respect you when you do sleep with him. Yes, he wanted it/you, for a night, or maybe a little longer, but ultimately, it was for fun, and it was a test. He's allowed to sleep with whomever and however many he wants, but he doesn't think you should be able to. (Friends with Benefits guys also don't want you to be with other guys. They won't commit, but they are jealous and don't want anyone else to have you either.) He's glad you had sex with him, but now he sees you are being an 'easy lay', not discerning, and now that he's 'captured the flag', he's lost interest, and moved on to his next target. In his mind, you're no longer 'relationship material.' But it's alright, he's a douche, and you're much better off without him.

3. Experienced, Sexually Active, Yet Patient Guy: Now some of you are wondering if this guy actually does exist, and... he does! He looks good, he started having sexual experiences years ago, he can get laid, he's hooking up right now, but he wants a legit relationship. He hasn't found 'the one', but he's 'having fun' in the meantime. If you sleep with him on the first date, first month, etc., he'll be happy. He'll love it. He also won't judge you for it. It won't have any bearing on whether or not it works out for you two, and if he sees a future relationship with you. He's a modern man. He loves that girls are sexually liberated, and believes you have just as many freedoms and choices as he does. He's looking for fun, but also connection. It all comes down to chemistry. He doesn't have to have sex with you to be interested. He's checking you out. He's into your body, into you as a person, and so far, he likes what he sees. He will wait. Not forever, though. Have you expressed your interest in him? Your desire for him? Tell him. Show him. Taste each other. He wants to get to know you. You're driving him sexually a bit crazy, but he can go and take care of himself. But what is required is that you open up to him, share with him, show him who you are, what you like, what you want, and allow both of you to explore whether you are truly compatible.

Explain your reasons, whatever they are - "I want to make sure how I feel." "I'm cautious about whom I open up to." "It's my first time, I want it to be right." "I've made mistakes in the past. I want to be smarter now." All of these are valid reasons. But don't leave him hanging, indefinitely. Guys are very often 'put in the friend zone' and they hate it. Absolutely hate it. Sure, they like you as a person, yeah friends are nice, but they want to be with you. They don't mind being a shoulder to cry on for a little while, but eventually it comes down to, "Why aren't I good enough?" "If you like me so much, why don't you want to be with me?" So show him, tell him, make your feelings and intentions, or hopes, known. That, he can live with. But not knowing, or being left in the wings, or being held in back-up position... he cannot do. That's not nice, and not fair. If you are really into him, and it's just sexually that you don't want to rush, he will wait for you. All you have to do is ask him/tell him.

4. Virgins & Waiting-for-Marriage Guys: Some are concealing it well. Some are upfront about it. But both of them are looking 'the real deal.' Don't look down on them. It's not that they can't get a girl. They can. They're just very, very careful. Sometimes shy, sometimes cautious, sometimes choosy. They're doing the slow play. They don't like the idea of a girl, their girl, having been with other guys. They're trying to be open-minded, but it bothers them. They haven't rushed this, and they want a girl who hasn't either. Yes, there might be a small element of possessiveness, and a little bit of not being able to stomach that someone else had you before them, but at least there's no double standard here. They're consistent. Solid. They'll wait a long time for you. Some will wait until marriage. They want you to as well. Others want you to be inexperienced, sweet, even innocent. They've been thinking about this for a long time. Many, many years. Porn exploration starts at 9 (for both sexes.) They want to act out all their fantasies with you. It won't be dull. It might be fast (at least at first), but they will put everything into this. Just because they don't have experience, doesn't mean they're tame, boring, or dull. They want to rock your world, and be everything you want in a man.

So, the TL;DR is: You do not have to do any of it in order to get a [good] man.

Get to know each other. You can talk about sex, absolutely. Curiosity is natural. But talk about other things as well. Talk about what interests you, what you are passionate about, what matters to you. Look for the guy who will listen, and do the same for him. Everyone, no matter what age, what sex, what gender, what level of relationship experience wants to be heard, and to feel that others (and sometimes just one person) understands them, or at least appreciates them. This is the goal.

I would like to see fewer queries from young women asking 'What is expected?' and more declarations about what you want, what your expectations and desires are - and I'll tell you - this is what guys want too. They're here to find out how you think, and what will make you happy.

You are more than a warm body, a Tinder profile to hook up with, or just 'some girl on the internet', to get off to. And True Love Waits. (And in the non-Disney-non-fairytale-non-princess version of life... good guys wait.) So be someone worth waiting for. You deserve it, and so do they.

Radiohead, 'True Love Waits' (unfortunately I cannot find any version of this song that will be playable in app. They only play in web/desktop version of GAG.)

Radiohead, 'True Love Waits' (lyrics)

[And by the way, I asked my husband what his single piece of dating advice for young girls would be, and he, in typical male fashion gave a succinct reply: "Wait." (I filled in the rest for you. 💛]

Girls: Dating 101: True Love Waits
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Most Helpful Guys

  • Grond21

    I wish more girls saw this! It is so true. The amount of pressure that is put on them, and how often their sexuality is tied into their desirability as a tactic to get them to be sexual really disgust me. I've seen it over and over. Well-meaning good-hearted girls who want to be desired. They want to be chosen. And they listen to a guy who tells them that in order to be desirable they can't wait, but they have to give sex right away.
    When a girl lowers her standards, a guy loses respect for her. We don't always realize it when we do, but it happens every time. And then the girl is setting herself up for failure.
    Obviously this is an every girl. Some women choose it freely. But I've seen this happen over and over.

    That's for me, I'm the fourth option. And you described me well. I'm 32 years old and a virgin. I'm just waiting for that girl. The one I can give it all to. And our sex life is definitely not going to be boring! I have tons of desires and fantasies, and I have a keen interest in learning what she wants and welding the two of our desires together. I want a fun and active sex life. But I think it's worth waiting for, and so that's where I'm at right now.
    Thank you for writing this. I feel seen by you

    Like 2 People
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    • AmandaYVR

      I'm so happy. "I feel seen by you" makes me smile. That is one of my goals - to give a voice to people, connect people, and help them be understood.

    • Grond21

      You succeeded very well Amanda. It was incredibly refreshing!

  • hellacray

    Haha well I'm glad you're telling girls this. I'm getting a little worried that teen girls are so self conscious of their virginity. I even remember some girl that asked on GAG if she should just lose her virginity to some random guy just to "get it over with."

    I'm not saying girls should stay virgins until marriage. I'm just saying definitely don't rush things.

    Altho I'd say waiting is not the best way to go about it either. Cause you can sit there and just be waiting forever.

    Besides women pretty much naturally play the waiting game since it's guys that approach. If you want to find love you need to look for it. Don't just sit there and complain you only get approached by jerks. And you can't seem to find a good guy.

    Well the reason you can't find a good guy is simple. You never started looking...

    Like 3 People
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What Girls & Guys Said

432
  • magiusX26

    gonna respectfully disagree on 2 points here. 1 : not all guys willing to do friends with benefits are in category 2 or get jealous. 2 : there is a 5th type that is some form of hybrid of the stuff from 2 or more of the other 4.

    Reply
    • AmandaYVR

      Yeah that's fine. It's not easy to distill everything down and I think near impossible to find the precise line between too much and too little. This mytake is short, for me. Add to that, I can only edit for 48 hrs and then it's locked. But yeah, I wish I had written one sentence about hybrids. There's certainly a bunch of those.

      I've seen countless questions on here from girls saying they're in a friends with benefits and the guy doesn't want her seeing anyone else. So I believe that's common. But yes, it's not the only scenario. Some guys are fine with it. (It's why I put it in parentheses, as a minor mention.)

      You've got some credit in the bank with me so speak away.
      P. S. I like your die pic. I have a small collection too. (From Vegas. Where are yours from?)
      But your banner is unreadable. What's the last word that's cut off?

    • magiusX26

      its a wallpaper from the zedge app. am a D&D player so liked that puc. nice and colorful.

      am a guy who has had a friends with benefits and was never jealous of any other guys she was seeing (sleeping with). dud have an issue with 1 other guy but not from jealousy, he was beating on her

  • Madirashed2

    Love it... you really good keep going... i want to read more please write another one.

    Like 1 Person
    Reply
    • AmandaYVR

      Really? Aw, thank you so much.
      Yes, I've got a few more up my sleeve...

  • lucas262

    A very good post,

    I fall into the waiting category
    If i weren't religious I'd be in the 3rd.

    Very very accurate about waiting guys and virgins, though lot of them can't get girls of they wanted lot of them keep it to themselves because people will bully the shit outta them, iv always been upfront about it and yea I took a lot of shit from a lot of people friends and family for it people that just wanted to see me happy I guess but yea i do want do rock her world and it does bother me the thot of her being with other guys makes me feel like I can't compete at all as a man.

    I think waiting gives us Somthing extra but I can see the appeal of not waiting but I'd never be a womanizer going bed to bed its not in me id rather be a virgin for life than live emotionless like that basically using people to jack off.

    Like 4 People
    Reply
    • Jamie05rhs

      @lucas262 I'm religious, too, but if I wasn't religious I would still be in Category 4. Just because I'm personally uncomfortable with giving my body to someone if there isn't a commitment.

    • lucas262

      Im not, at that point its all just a game you play like any other can't take it too seriously.

    • Jamie05rhs

      Ok, well I do take it seriously. It's not a game to me.

  • Dargil

    Here is my "Take" on your "Take". This is eternally true but modern pop culture has tricked young women into believing that have to drop their knickers within 3 dates to fit in.

    Girls: Dating 101: True Love Waits

    If young women would remember this and take control of sex, our culture would be a lot better off. This may seem formulaic and ponderous, but it is a template that can either be adhered to or adjusted to fit the situation.

    Girls: The 10-date rule. Filtering out players, predators and hit-and-runs.

    Like 2 People
    Reply
    • Jamie05rhs

      @Dargil I agree with your comment here. But I don't entirely agree with your Take. A hand job on the 5th date? That seems way too soon (even if I did believe in doing that before marriage, which I personally don't.)

    • Dargil

      @Jamie05rhs The routine is time adjustable. The idea is to space things out.

  • Adam1978

    I would say that waiting is only good for one thing get time to make up your mind. If you made up your mind waiting is a waste of time if there is an action that can get things rolling. So I think your categories are weird sometimes you can make quick calls other times your really slow. So same guy could jump between one and four easily and that makes the categories pointless. It all depends on how big impact you make on him. Waiting for him to respond to something he might have missed is a good way of dismissing perfectly fine guys just because you couldn't get his attention fast enough. So unless your moves can't be misunderstood as just friendly. Your ruling out candidates for no reason. My advice is as always if you got the guts be direct and tell or show what you want.

    Reply
  • Chiefbenttwig

    First of all how old are you?
    Because if you are underage you really don't know the consequences of your decision may have on you.
    Second of have you ever thought that maybe he wants a relationship with you because you are underage (if it applies here)
    If he is pressing you to sexet or nudes be very careful.
    But most of all what does a man that's oldder & so sexually experienced want with a very innocent young girl other then to abuse & use her then discard her like last night's diaper.
    Have you ever thought what you are going to do if you send nude or sexet with him & he decides to post them public or black mail you with them. Just something for you to consider.

    Like 1 Person
    Reply
  • Be4rdy

    So what about the experienced but not sexually active but patient guys


    Or in lamens terms the ugly guys like me


    Nope we dont exist blah blah blah

    Reply
    • AmandaYVR

      I'm sorry you feel excluded. It is an oversight, not deliberate.
      Even as an Editor I am only allowed 24 hrs of editing on mytakes, so many details become set in stone, which is unfortunate. (And Updates feel insufficient.)
      I wish I had added one more line into #3 which said "the sexually active now and not right now" or something. But as I said to TremorJay, I don't think that aspect is particularly pertinent. Hybrids exist, and we all know that.
      Do you want to write a #5 describing yourself? Go ahead.

    • Be4rdy

      I would write it but honestly I'm no good at explaining things without sounding like a dick.

      Honestly just sick of hearing women say "there's no hood guys"

      In reality is there no good guys who are 10s, us uglys know women dont come along every 2 seconds for us so we treat them better

      But no women won't even take the time to even speak to us.

      Honestly starting to think there isn't any good women out there

    • AmandaYVR

      Yeah, I hear you. It's honestly pretty cut-throat out there right now it seems. There are soooo many factors contributing to this, but yes, people are treating others more like cattle, with an overly simplistic value ascribed to everyone. I don't see it reversing anytime soon. I wonder if anyone predicted this. It all started in 2007 with the smartphone/iphone, but there are other factors too. It's easy for me to see the dark side of things. Sometimes I don't know how to put a happy spin or interpretation on things. Only real tactic I have figured out is to break it down, one piece at a time, and instead of focusing on the big picture and the end product, zoom in to analyze one problem at a time.

    • Show All
  • Aquiline_feast

    Yes, wait for centuries. Don't loose the beauty behind the pure love that you share.

    Reply
  • jestergent

    I support this for women to read.

    Like 3 People
    Reply
  • Kaneki05

    Waiting is just common sense.

    Like 2 People
    Reply
  • NYCQuestions1976

    Nice Take. Well done.

    Like 2 People
    Reply
  • Eagle_93

    Great Mytake!
    Pretty much spot on😊👍

    Like 2 People
    Reply
  • Bhavin2184

    Good take

    Reply
  • AlwaysBelieving

    Where’s the 102, 201, and 202?

    Reply
    • AmandaYVR

      Hahaha. Yeah, I did get sidetracked, didn't I.
      You wouldn't believe how many half-begun mytakes and notes I have going.
      So what topics shall I do next?

    • I’d say “what to talk about on dates” or “how to tell if he’s really liking you, or just using you” (though the second one might get a little backlash from here).

  • Pain_no_more01

    I option four

    Like 1 Person
    Reply
  • Alex_988_2

    i think u n i need to have a talk now

    Reply
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