This is going to be the first in a series of Dating 101 myTakes I will be doing.
I will take one very common question, scenario, dilemma or subject, and unpack it, decrypt it, explain or explore it. Some will focus on girls, some on guys, and some on both together.
First up, 'Waiting'
I'm going to talk about this because I see variants of it come up a lot.
Ex:
'I created an account on [whatever site]. I lied about my age, just to check it out. I'm curious. I've been talking to this guy. He's a lot older than me. I'm a virgin and he doesn't know. He wants to sext with me. Should I?'
'I really like this guy, but we don't know each other well yet. He asked me online what type of stuff I'm into sexually. He doesn't live that far away from me. He wants to hook up. Should I meet him?'
'This guy I just met has a lot of experience, sexually, and I haven't done anything yet. I'm worried I won't be enough for him, he'll get bored of me if I don't fulfill his fantasies. I'm freaking out.'
'I've never given a blowjob. I'm kind of curious about it all, but nervous. I've been talking to this guy. I like him. But he told me, "spitters are quitters", and I'm not sure if I'm ready for swallowing. It kinda grosses me out. What should I do?'
'Do all guys always expect a blowjob before intercourse?'
'So What Should I Do?'
Do not listen to the [sometimes loud or convincing] voices of some guys who are attempting to pressure you into an 'everybody's doing it' mentality. They do not speak for all guys. This is called Persuasive Argument Style. It's a tactic. They have little to lose. Well, they could lose you, but what seems to be happening more, is that young girls are pressured into doing sexually more than they are entirely ready for it. Do it because you want to. Know that you want to. If you are getting 'a funny feeling' about the way a guy is acting, or alarm bells are going off in your head, or if your feelings about deciding to do it stem from insecurity, it's not right. Just because somebody (one person) wants something, doesn't mean they need to get it. Waiting for things, patience, and earning things is important. It values them more.
As a matter of fact, some of the better guys will be put off if and when they find out you did succumb to this pressure, and fell for 'the bad guys.' (And no, they don't want you to lie to them about your experience.) It's not that they all see you as 'trash', or that they all have sexist double standards. It's that they see you as a person who is easily convinced, manipulated, and doesn't have good judgement. It is incorrect (and unfair) to categorize these types of men as 'ones who can't get laid.' They are discerning, and they want you to be too.
I know there have been shifts in dating, relationships, and communication, etc. But, them liking you, and you having a relationship with them, is not dependent on whether you quickly have sex with them (or sext, give bj's, etc.)
This is not a lecture about what you should or should not do. I am not here to judge you, and no one else should either. I support you, I support freedom of choice, but I support you in it being your decision. I only want to convey to you that there may be expectations sometimes, yes, but there is no 'standard', no 'normal.' And even today, in this particular climate, there are many guys who will wait for you to be ready, to be as enthusiastic as they are, and to find out if you are the girl they want to be with, and vice versa.
From What I Have Observed, & Discussed Privately With Guys Here, Guys Fall Into One of These 4 Categories :
1. He Won't Wait Around Guy: He's seems interested. You've been chatting, small talk mostly. Things get sexual pretty quick. "I might like him, but I'm not sure if he's just into me for sex.. So I kind of made up an excuse, said I gotta go", or "I took a while to get back to him" or "I ghosted him a bit to see what he would do, and then I didn't hear back from him." "He likes talking to me about sex, but when we're not, he disappears again. A: Run, girl, run. He's looking for easy pickings. His interest in you is limited. He'll do a small amount of work but that's it. If he's slow to respond, is unresponsive, and shows little interest in you about all other topics... drop him. He didn't pass Phase I. As Gandalf says, 'The way is shut.'
2. Double Standard Guy: This is the one you need to sniff out and ascertain quickly. He puts on the charm, feigns interest in you, may also act [temporarily] enthusiast and passionate, but secretly he doesn't respect you when you do sleep with him. Yes, he wanted it/you, for a night, or maybe a little longer, but ultimately, it was for fun, and it was a test. He's allowed to sleep with whomever and however many he wants, but he doesn't think you should be able to. (Friends with Benefits guys also don't want you to be with other guys. They won't commit, but they are jealous and don't want anyone else to have you either.) He's glad you had sex with him, but now he sees you are being an 'easy lay', not discerning, and now that he's 'captured the flag', he's lost interest, and moved on to his next target. In his mind, you're no longer 'relationship material.' But it's alright, he's a douche, and you're much better off without him.
3. Experienced, Sexually Active, Yet Patient Guy: Now some of you are wondering if this guy actually does exist, and... he does! He looks good, he started having sexual experiences years ago, he can get laid, he's hooking up right now, but he wants a legit relationship. He hasn't found 'the one', but he's 'having fun' in the meantime. If you sleep with him on the first date, first month, etc., he'll be happy. He'll love it. He also won't judge you for it. It won't have any bearing on whether or not it works out for you two, and if he sees a future relationship with you. He's a modern man. He loves that girls are sexually liberated, and believes you have just as many freedoms and choices as he does. He's looking for fun, but also connection. It all comes down to chemistry. He doesn't have to have sex with you to be interested. He's checking you out. He's into your body, into you as a person, and so far, he likes what he sees. He will wait. Not forever, though. Have you expressed your interest in him? Your desire for him? Tell him. Show him. Taste each other. He wants to get to know you. You're driving him sexually a bit crazy, but he can go and take care of himself. But what is required is that you open up to him, share with him, show him who you are, what you like, what you want, and allow both of you to explore whether you are truly compatible.
Explain your reasons, whatever they are - "I want to make sure how I feel." "I'm cautious about whom I open up to." "It's my first time, I want it to be right." "I've made mistakes in the past. I want to be smarter now." All of these are valid reasons. But don't leave him hanging, indefinitely. Guys are very often 'put in the friend zone' and they hate it. Absolutely hate it. Sure, they like you as a person, yeah friends are nice, but they want to be with you. They don't mind being a shoulder to cry on for a little while, but eventually it comes down to, "Why aren't I good enough?" "If you like me so much, why don't you want to be with me?" So show him, tell him, make your feelings and intentions, or hopes, known. That, he can live with. But not knowing, or being left in the wings, or being held in back-up position... he cannot do. That's not nice, and not fair. If you are really into him, and it's just sexually that you don't want to rush, he will wait for you. All you have to do is ask him/tell him.
4. Virgins & Waiting-for-Marriage Guys: Some are concealing it well. Some are upfront about it. But both of them are looking 'the real deal.' Don't look down on them. It's not that they can't get a girl. They can. They're just very, very careful. Sometimes shy, sometimes cautious, sometimes choosy. They're doing the slow play. They don't like the idea of a girl, their girl, having been with other guys. They're trying to be open-minded, but it bothers them. They haven't rushed this, and they want a girl who hasn't either. Yes, there might be a small element of possessiveness, and a little bit of not being able to stomach that someone else had you before them, but at least there's no double standard here. They're consistent. Solid. They'll wait a long time for you. Some will wait until marriage. They want you to as well. Others want you to be inexperienced, sweet, even innocent. They've been thinking about this for a long time. Many, many years. Porn exploration starts at 9 (for both sexes.) They want to act out all their fantasies with you. It won't be dull. It might be fast (at least at first), but they will put everything into this. Just because they don't have experience, doesn't mean they're tame, boring, or dull. They want to rock your world, and be everything you want in a man.
So, the TL;DR is: You do not have to do any of it in order to get a [good] man.
Get to know each other. You can talk about sex, absolutely. Curiosity is natural. But talk about other things as well. Talk about what interests you, what you are passionate about, what matters to you. Look for the guy who will listen, and do the same for him. Everyone, no matter what age, what sex, what gender, what level of relationship experience wants to be heard, and to feel that others (and sometimes just one person) understands them, or at least appreciates them. This is the goal.
I would like to see fewer queries from young women asking 'What is expected?' and more declarations about what you want, what your expectations and desires are - and I'll tell you - this is what guys want too. They're here to find out how you think, and what will make you happy.
You are more than a warm body, a Tinder profile to hook up with, or just 'some girl on the internet', to get off to. And True Love Waits. (And in the non-Disney-non-fairytale-non-princess version of life... good guys wait.) So be someone worth waiting for. You deserve it, and so do they.
Radiohead, 'True Love Waits' (unfortunately I cannot find any version of this song that will be playable in app. They only play in web/desktop version of GAG.)
Radiohead, 'True Love Waits' (lyrics)
[And by the way, I asked my husband what his single piece of dating advice for young girls would be, and he, in typical male fashion gave a succinct reply: "Wait." (I filled in the rest for you. 💛]
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