On masculinity, chewing gum and the friendzone [dating fails]

[tallandsweet]

I went on a date today and felt like I was undermining that poor guy's masculinity more than once.

• I told him where I'd be at which time for him to be able to meet me, not the other way around.
• I paid for food (I was faster).

[Photo by Jonas Leupe on Unsplash]

• I started a fight with him over chewing gum (we were in a very special, clean, holy place and he didn't dispose it properly, I made him throw it away the right way).

chewing gum lol [Photo by Vinicius "amnx" Amano on Unsplash]

• I denied him access to my phone after giving him enough cues for him to successfully guess my password. He was so happy about it too, but then he wanted to delete OkCupid from my phone (I had told him he could do that once we met) and it was too early for me to let him do that. I didn't want to.

I wanted him to feel like he was the most amazing man on the planet, yet for whatever reason, I probably made him feel stupid. What I mean by this is that I understand what I did wrong, but I don't know why I did what I did and how I can make it better. I also "playfully" slapped him for no apparent reason, he asked me a few hours later what that was all about but by that time, I had already forgotten the reason [there probably was none].

I feel incredibly dumb and think that my behaviour is part of the reason why he didn't make a move. I'm lowkey glad about him not making a move yet, but at the same time, I'm a little disppointed by it too, I'd love to feel like the hottest girl in the room for a minute. I know this sounds like I'm not making any sense - it's just that I love when I'm able to be in the zone with someone. Truly being in the zone involves dedicating my entire attention to them for me personally.

[Photo by Fabian Albert on Unsplash]

Maybe it'll come around, but so far, we're both stuck in each other's friendzone, despite me trying to loosen things up. I don't know why, I don't know how I deserve it, but he's told me multiple times that he loves being around me.

After pointing out I was cold three times in no more than 5min, I asked him whether I could snuggle up to him, he told me he was fine with it but didn't lean into it. Feeling his lack of emotion and enthusiasm about us being in the same place at the same time made me incredibly tired. Neither of us had slept that night, so I get it.

[Photo by Joanna Nix-Walkup on Unsplash]

Still - I could feel all of my energy leaving my body, which, quite frankly, isn't a nice feeling. I tried creating moments where he could've easily showed me he liked me without being creepy or weird.

He was neither, but he also didn't get closer to me, at least it didn't feel like he did.

Should I make a move the next time?

I don't want him to be a rebound and told him that I needed time until next year for me to be certain he'd be a new chapter entirely. I truly meant that at the time, but now I also feel like I should've just went along with it without ever telling him to hold back.

It really is my fault - do you have any advice for me? How can I restore his masculinity?

[Anonymous]

I don't know what any of this has to do with the guy's masculinity. It sounds like you may have undermined his confidence at times, but I think that would have been true if the genders were reversed too, so would you then have been undermining her femininity?

Anyway, it sounds like it's a difficult situation for both of you. Putting myself in his shoes, I suspect he is probably going through all the same thoughts and insecurities in his mind that you are here. I don't know for sure what is the right answer but I think you probably should make a move next time. It means putting yourself on the line and risking rejection but that's exactly what you were hoping he would do, but he didn't have the confidence to. If you don't, you may never know what might have come of it and you may regret it for a long time.

Anyway, best of luck to you. You sound like a really sweet girl and some guy will be lucky to have you, whether this guy or another.

[Opinion Owner]

PS - don't slap guys. Just sayin.

[tallandsweet]

Hi, thank you for your extensive response to what I wrote.
I liked your point, maybe it didn't have anything to do with his masculinity. Deep down, I believe that I was trying to test him, trying to find out whether he can laugh about certain things or not.

He's 6-7 years older than me and has way more experience, maybe I will make a move but to be quite honest with you, I think that I'm way more nervous than he is. In general, I'm always stressed out in situations like these while the people I meet seem to be way more chill about everything, probably due to my chronic lack of experience.
It would be fine if I was a little uglier, but because of the way I look and act (way more confident than I am), people assume that I have more experience than I do.
I've internalized this Ted Talk:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RVmMeMcGc0Y

I try to be confident, but on some days, I'm just a weird girl (i. e. yesterday).

Also, I had to LOL at your second message, that was funny :D I agree though. Don't ever slap people.

[Opinion Owner]

Thank you for MHO. Good luck and let us know how things turn out with your man.

[Sparda20xx]

You kind of came off a little motherly at first. Tease him a little bit and give him hints that you're interested. Also, and I'm not saying you're this type of woman, but a lot men are afraid to make the first move. The slightest wrong move could lead to a hashtag me to scénario. I tell the young I mentor to get confirmation before doing anything. Is it less romantic? Yes, but you're also less likely to have your actions misunderstood. That may be why he didn't make a move.
I'm not saying to make the next move, but just be more clear. He may be afraid to make that move and ruin your friendship

[tallandsweet]

Hi, thanks four your detailed, helpful response.
I will try to apply your tips when I meet him the next time.
I am definitely not one of those girls, I also told him he could slap me back if he wanted to, which made him laugh, I meant that though. I also told him which scenarios would make me feel uncomfortable and when I would feel violated. Being kissed or groped is not "extreme" enough for me to be that uncomfortable, we're too close for that already.
I love it when men ask before making a move/when they are vocal about what they want, need, crave, keep telling young men to simply say what they want, it's extremely helpful!
I don't think he's afraid to make a move, but we don't know each other that well yet and maybe we just need to meet each other more often before we can open up to one another more.

I'll wait and make sure to drop more hints.

[Sparda20xx]

How long have you two known each other

[tallandsweet]

Three months now

[Sparda20xx]

Oh I see. It sounds like he was just nervous. Give it another try

[SomeGuyCalledTom]

Honestly it sounds to me like you're projecting some of your own insecurities onto him, and then posing it as "how do I fix HIS insecurity" when really you should look within yourself. You say you "don't know how I deserve [his affections]". Why don't you feel deserving? Is it because you made a faux pas on the date that appeared to question his masculinity? Or is that just a secondary situation emerging from a more primary cause? You say you need another year to be ready for dating again, yet you want things to work out with this guy here and now. Or at least, you want to avoid having things fall apart so you have the *potential* to date this guy. You said you'd delete OKCupid from your phone upon meeting, then did a complete 180 on it and got irritated because he thought you had meant what you said. Reason I point these things out, is that there's a lot of self-contradicting clues in your post that indicate your feelings are split on some deeper issue.

If I were a betting man, I'd say you're torn between clinging on to the love you felt from some past relationship. While also wanting to entertain possibility of new loves with new men. And now you find yourself in the position of having this potential new lover out on a real life date with you. And you panic because you don't wanna get too invested before knowing if he's the "right one", knowing you will likely need to eschew other potential options in order to pursue something "real" with him.

But I'm not a betting man, so I have no horse in this race. But I can almost certainly say the root of your conflicted feelings lies within yourself, and really has nothing to do with this guy in particular. You could substitute him out for any other random guy off OKCupid, and you'd still have these conflicted feelings. So start by looking at your own thoughts, feelings, and motives before you try to "fix" whatever faux pas you may or may not have committed on a particular date.

[SomeGuyCalledTom]

Although I do agree with other guys here that he should've set some of those healthy boundaries so that he wouldn't get walked over during the date. It was also perhaps a tactical error on his part to bring you to a place of religious significance, if he knew going in that there would be a code of etiquette that was not matched by his behavior in the moment. So he has some fault in why this date in particular went wrong. But bad dates come and go, and ultimately you're the one who spends the most time with yourself, and if you feel this conflicted because a date was mildly awkward, then I'm not sure how you expect future dates to produce better outcomes until you do some soul-searching to figure out what's going on inside you.

[SomeGuyCalledTom]

Then again, maybe you wouldn't feel all conflicted if he displayed real leadership and took the incentive from start to finish. Man leads, woman follows, any date formula that strays from this is likely to produce awkwardness and mixed messages and lukewarm feelings on both sides.

[Jamie05rhs]

What did he do with his gum? I'm thinking you were probably right to correct him. So I'm on your side there.

Whoah- what? Why was he even trying to guess your password in the first place? That's really creepy.

And trying to actually delete a dating app from your phone? That is highly inappropriate and crosses the line of person space. That's not his job to do that. I know that's a cute "deal" that you guys made, but it's on you to follow through with it. He should not be pushy on that subject.

Hmm; yeah... Hitting someone on the first date isn't really a good look.

Im really confused by the part about him not wanting to cuddle with you, though. This is the same guy we're talking about? Because on the one hand he sounds really intrusive. But on the other hand he seems really reserved. I don't know; the only explanation I can come up with us that he's just socially awkward and he didn't realize that messing with your phone was a faux pas.
I personally might also have wanted to keep the physical distance. But I wouldn't even think about touching a woman's phone. That would be like going through her purse. I was taught from an early age that those things are off limits.

[tallandsweet]

He stuck it under a bench in a park, he's never done it again though and always makes a point about properly disposing it now!

I told him he should try to guess it because it had something to do with us. That one's on me!

He wasn't pushy, all he wanted was that guy to be gone for good before getting more attached to me and I get that.

Yup.

Same guy as in all other posts (not the guy from the "Mistakes I made when meeting someone..." take). He wasn't messing with my phone, it's all good and I feel much better about everything now.

I showed him some pictures on my phone. He knows he's not allowed to scroll. There's plenty of gore on it since relapsing, I've been taking pics of my wound/scar since day one. He shouldn't see that, so I told him unless he wants to see me feel absolutely awful he should stay on the safe side of things and let me handle it. This hasn't ever been a problem though! He's perfect and technically, I could get into his phone too. He's showed me his code so many times now, I just don't remember because I don't care and never cared enough to look at it closely.
He doesn't hide stuff from me.
I'd also never go through someone else's stuff.

[Jamie05rhs]

Okay. ... That's good!

Oh! Alright.

Ok. He still crossed a line, in my opinion.

Ok

Ok

Okay. I see.
Still, I wouldn't advise anyone giving open access to their phone this early on in the relationship (even if that is something you are okay with doing in general). It's just not wise or safe.

[Guanfei]

He might think that since you've kept the dating app, you'll probably see other guys and won't be the one. Personally, if I went on a date with a girl and saw she would see other guys, I wouldn't bother either, and we'd part way, politely, but definitely. That's a matter of respect for me, you don't date multiple people at the same time. I wouldn't do it, and I would expect her to do the same.
The fight over the chewing-gum might seem like nothing, but it might have been some kind of "break" for him, something that put a shadow on something he was appreciating, and he might have felt a bit down at that point.
Also, many guys, including me, can be awkward when we see a girl in person. You can create the opportunity, we might not get the hint, or worse, always fear that it's the wrong moment. We're not in your head, so we're never sure what we think is the right moment is the same for you.
And lastly, you told him that he was basically on hold until next year. No one will wait that much for a girl he wants to date. It is as if you told him you'd take him if you didn't find anyone else, like a second choice, a spare tire that you'll choose in the absence of a better choice. Which, as you can guess, is certainly not the best thing to hear.

[tallandsweet]

I've addressed this issue and we will talk it out, so thanks for making me notice this may be a problem.

I love it when men ask me before they try to do somethin I may not like. It's awkard, but i shows deep appreciation for one another.

[Makeushiver]

The problem with having members of the opposite sex frienzoned is at the borders. Especially if one or both attractive people there will be an uncomfortable border between friend and lover. If you want to pursue a sexually casual relationship but for it too go into exclusively going out it needs to be kept with few strings. Even casual sex needs a discussion about what happens if one of you find a partner or keep it as one night stands. That can work out, I've known many girls as friends but a few have made it clear that they wanted sex to be part of it. In those cases it was always in the nature of one night stands- though there were multiple one night stands.
I've been guilty of crossing the border and it's nice having someone beside my hand when feeling horny. It's been turned down a few times by the person I had amazing sex with the night before. Ground rules are essential and some conversations may be uncomfortable. They aren't as uncomfortable as a scene in front of a new date making it better going forward with ground rules.
Good luck with your situation though it may be confusing or worse if both of you haven't talked about it. As far as the situation you described, it sounds like he's obsessed with his own issues, If it happens again or with any regularity then you might want to re-consider the relationship. If it hasn't happened before it could be that he was worried about something and not really listening. That happens in both sexual and platonic relationships and is forgiveable if it's rare. Some people get into toxic situations where co-dependenncy develops. That happens when one person feels like they should have every need fulfilled by someone else and that someone else often uses the other persons happiness as the only way they can achieve happiness is by taking care of someone in need. This happens frequently when there is too much alcohol or drugs involved,, if that is the case then al-anon or nar-anon may help a lot.

[soleil6997]

I find it astounding that women can connect the way the act (or even just feel) with the relationship building outcomes - to that level.
I don't know if you (anyone) can engineer the outcome to the level you seek.
Personally, from a girl I liked - none of what you did would be a turn off. Quite the contrary.
The requirement would be you stick around - if she was to then suggest snuggling up - rather than me having to get there - awesome!

That being said, there are energies between people that are difficult to overcome - hanging on to them, if the other person isn't accustomed to the same, creates a rift between you. The 'getting together' process is about that - either with someone in similar/compatible flows already (and interested in being part of yours) - or with someone whom you are prepared to adjust the flows you are in for (or a mix of the two, can be the same person)

The first impression, and that may depend on how well you do reading people, usually tells you all you need to know. How many of their (and your own) insecurities you might trigger in quick succession may affect how you sleep after that (doesn't hurt to go slow, though it always feels exciting to go fast)

Amazing insight, your post 👍

[devilman666]

You could try being honest with him and as you guys get closer you can ask him if you do things that make him feel emasculated. This idea that we should be forced to stick to traditional masculinity is as toxic as women being forced into traditional femininity. You have this very biased view of men, which makes you feel unattractive if he doesn't make a move, but then you probably view men who cat call as being sexist. You say you want to feel like the hottest girl in the room, then perhaps dating just isn't for you right now?

Tbh it sounds to me like the two of you just need to communicate better and maybe start looking past traditional masculinity and understand that if he feels masculine then that should be good enough, right?

[tallandsweet]

I agree with you that I am not sure about how I want him to act.

I talked to him on the phone for five hours tonight, we have good communication but it takes the two of us some time until we can talk openly about things we didn't like in our physical encounters. He also mentioned that I complain all the time and I realised that I had only told my friends about the good things.

I've never been catcalled. It felt like he had rejected my attempts to get closer to him, which was disappointing to me because I wanted to feel like he wanted to get closer to me too. After talking to him though, I realised that he doesn't think that I'm repulsive or disgusting, he was just too tired to think straight and couldn't enjoy the moment.
I don't let negative experiences I've made with men change the way I ineract with the, on a daily basis.

[Dongtai]

You’re all over the place. To the point where you come off as neurotic. At least to me. You want one thing, say something else and the weirdest part is you’re aware that you’re doing these things and how you might come off


And you still do these things


My best advice is spend some time being single. Do you live alone? If not I’d try to get a home or apartment so you can be in a space where it’s just you. We get a better look at ourselves when we’re alone and forced to look in the mirror. Get to know yourself better. Learn what it is you want and and need in a relationship. Learn the things that you need and want from “yourself” in order to be the type of partner you seek.


Basically get your shit together. You’ll attract better scenarios and higher quality partners when you have yourself together. Don’t wait until you’re with someone to work on yourself. Get it together before you meet someone so you can give them your best while “deserving” their best.

[tallandsweet]

I've taken an entire year off men. I'm happy single. I've been working on myself for a very long time now, I've undergone therapy to fix the ugly sides of myself.
I'm open about that when I meet new people. I tell them what they're getting themselves into. I'm not a nutcase like one of the users here suggested, I'm simply a bit different.
I like your advice, it's the same I would've given someone else in that scenario, so thank you.

[LeoElias]

This sounds like a shit show. Also how old are you guys? You sound young because of the unnecessary drama and the random shit flying every where. You acting wild and weird, not controlling your impulses. Wanting something to happen but at the same time not wanting something to happen. You are giving him a lot of mixed signals but also acting clingy and doing weird shit to push him away. Do you have experience with dating? I think he feels weird and probably uncomfortable around you. He acts cool, but he's not because he doesn't reciprocate anything. You guys could start fresh and you can control yourself a little more. Otherwise I think what you are trying to have with him is dead.

[tallandsweet]

Hi, thank you for your open and honest response. I'm 18, he's 25.
I agree with you on many points and did actually avoid many mistakes I made here the next time I saw him. I also no longer felt like he rejected me or like he thought I was disgusting/repulsive.

[Anonymous]

You can lie to us and to him and to yourself, about how you feel and what you want, but your actions speak loud and clear, even if you don't understand where they are coming from and aren't willing to acknowledge what they mean.

You don't want to date this guy. You have contempt for this guy. Maybe you are so messed up that you feel contempt for any guy that wants you, and you drive them away.

Maybe you've been so hurt in the past, you subconsciously try to push guys away because on some level you're convinced they will hurt you and this is your way of keeping them distant.

Either way, whatever the reason, you do not want to date this guy. That much is bleeding obvious.

[tallandsweet]

Thank you for voicing your opinion!

[hopingforinsight]

Loved the story and that's the reason I joined GAG is insight. The total lady moves (here then there) I want to know about it all. You say you gave him all clues to you phone password but he didn't get it? So does he listen to you at all? I'm asking to get insight to his personality and that will determine if you emasculated him at all and if so how you can reverse it. If he doesn't listen to you do you really want to be a part of that because you will never be his complete center of attention unless it's for his purpose. If he was just emasculated then he may want you to be his center of attention, but doesn't feel you think he's worthy and will not risk being destroyed.

[tallandsweet]

He figured out my password and also got that it was really cute of me to explain it to him, it was about an experience we had shared early on in the process of getting to know one another better.
So in essence, I told him that I had cared about him more than I had cared about other people I met online. I hope that makes sense, it was just a very small gesture.

Yeah, he listens to me fairly well, but he's not a simp.
That's one aspect I enjoy a lot, in my past relationship I always felt like I was the one in charge for everything,

[Zelda_5]

What you did is not bad. Getting him to dispose of his gum correctly, paying, saying when you're available and not letting him into your phone are not bad things. If he thinks they are then he's not a good guy. I real guy would be comfortable enough with his masculinity that he wouldn't care.

[tallandsweet]

I mean, I get what you're trying to say, but I don't want him to feel like he's a simp.
Thanks for voicing your opinion in such a mature way though, this helped.

[Alex_988_2]

You guys can't be real...
Anyway @zelda_5 and @tallandsweet follow me. I want to discuss some stuff.

[BlackMaleYou]

Only the slapping part I worry about and him being OK about it.
The chewing gum part is fine if u said it politely.

You have given him reasons not to make the move so it's up to you to go get what u want and treat him right like he treats you.

[tallandsweet]

Thank you for your honest and open response. He said that he didn't mind because he knew I didn't mean it that way. I agree with you that I didn't give him a reason to make a move. I had assumed that he had understood the way I made a move, but he didn't. I explained to him that it had felt like he'd rejected me, but he was just tired and everything's okay now.

[Jjpayne]

I think you have to take notes and acknowledge your feelings about how it went. I'm sure you made some good calls but there may be things you want to try differently next time. Let this be a learning experience and maybe try dating him one final time just to have a redo and see if you feel better the second time around

[tallandsweet]

Oh, trust me, I was not on my a game yesterday and I don't fully understand why I did what I did yet, but maybe I was trying really hard to drive him away.

[Jjpayne]

I think you deserve a second try

[CindersFire]

Sounds loke you guys may juat be incompatible. Which is fine. You want to be careful and make sure your with the right person before you throw yourself into anything. However sounds like you may want to pull back just a tad as I'm asuming this was a first or second date and your bahaviour simply to brazen. People generally expect and plan for the forst couple dates to be a little reserved so when someone comes out swinging like you did it is natural that it would throw a guy off.

[tallandsweet]

Hey, thanks for your response, that was contructive. It was our third date, I don't get why he seemed so distant. Then again, it was probably the lack of sleep XD!

[CindersFire]

I should also suggest NEVER slapping someone. I think i can speak for most guys that unless their a sub, even if it doesn't hurt, we don't enjoy it. Its kind of a slap in the face. A "hey look at this i can hit you for fun and you can't say or do anything about it". It at least that seems to be the general concensus.

[tallandsweet]

I know, I'm still so confused why I did that and feel horrible! I apologised, but I will have to make sure that he feels like the toughest guy in the 'hood or we don't stand a chance. I'm embarassed beyond words.

[CindersFire]

Well unless he's that kind of guy thats hardly necessary. Just show that you respect him, but that you also aren't going to fall over yourself for him. If he wants you as a partner he has to take you with the good and the bad. Sure partners change for eachother but tryint to force it is only asking for resentment and an eventual blow up later in life.

[hahahmm]

If you slapped me I would’ve slapped the entitled feminist soul right out of your body to give you equality & teach you a little thing called accountability


You need to learn self control. By the way there’s therapists & meds to deal with violent outbursts. Regardless of you making excuses & calling it playful.


If yoi want a good man then you must become s good woman.

[Vencam]

You don't get a like from me 'cause you argumented this too aggressively for my "liking" (get it?)
But I agree with your point. Self-control is important

[hahahmm]

You’re a soft white knight, programmed to act weal if a woman beats on you. I get it.

[hahahmm]

Weak

[Vencam]

That I disagree with. You're quite quick at assuming people's character

[tallandsweet]

I didn't slap him aggressively, I immediately apologised. It had nothing to do with me being aggressive, angry or mad.
If he had slapped me back, I'd have been fine with it, because like I said, it wasn't an aggressive slap. It didn't hurt. It wouldn't have hurt me either.
@Vencam isn't a soft white knight, and I never beat my date, that would be messed up and then (and only then) I'd understand your point, @hahahmm

[Vencam]

@tallandsweet I assumed that was the case with the slap, thank you for clarifying. To clarify, for @hahahmm 's sake, if I thought otherwise, I'd have put a like to the answer above
Nevertheless, I hope that slap was in good fun. Just like some are particular about personal space, other are about these kinds of... interactions. I hope you kept that in consideration

[hahahmm]

@tallandsweet your date did not think it was a joke according to your earlier post. But okay

[hahahmm]

@Vencam I respond to posts as I see them. I don’t think of people as being good or bad (in 99.9% of cases) but actions are good/bad.

[Vencam]

@hahahmm I don't quite understand what you want to say with the first sentence, but I don't think actions can be judged as good/bad without proper context and I believe proper context in this case was lacking, as we clearly imagined the scene playing out in quite different ways. For reference, I imagined a slap made as a joke... Although that probably wouldn't be a joke I'd appreciate, I didn't judge the intent to be bad

[hahahmm]

@Vencam, you said I’m quick to judge people. I was explaining what I was actually judging & of course context matters but Gag isn’t a courtroom so 1.) it’d be wise for people to put full context into a story and 2.) my opinion won’t cause any harm to OP either way.

It’s all good

[Vencam]

@hahahmm I said that referring to the answer you gave to my comment (me being a "white night" ), just as the first part of my answer ("That I disagree with")
Not to the answer you gave to the asker to which, again, I agree despite not putting a like for the wording
Still, I'm glad you actually answered despite thinking I'm some sort of spouting-nonsense-high-horse-riding knight, as I find quite sad how few people try to followup their declarations after labeling someone as such (or as "someone I don't want to talk to" more in general)

[hahahmm]

Well you were leaping in to defend OP instead of letting her explain herself so it smelled a lot like white knighting. And part of my context in replying to op is that there are videos on line about women intentionally attacking men but pretending it’s an accident. Like ‘accidentally’ bashing him in the head with a suitcase in the car multiple times. Some of these women are super passive aggressive and doing the devil’s work...

[Vencam]

@hahahmm
I am aware of those infuriating examples, but this question didn't rise that sort of flag for me. Generally, I try making sure before assuming that sort of behavior is the one in front of me as it's actually not that common, but I understand your indignation for that
But allow me to correct you on my intentions: by no means did I try to defend the asker in my first comment. What I meant, explained in more words, was to show my support for your point (especially the importance of self control and becoming a good woman to want a good man) despite thinking that you took it too much to the extreme in this context.
Sorry if the wording made it seem like I was trying to undermine your argument, that was not my intention

[hahahmm]

@Vencam no worries. I know you meant that too. Gag is infested with guys azz kissing females so sorry if you’re not one of them.

[Vencam]

And cheers for a good exchange despite starting bad ahahah
(And yes, plenty of those guys, unfortunately not just on GAG...)

[tallandsweet]

I've got to agree with both of you. What I did was weird and it wasn't meant as a joke. I was trying to be one of those "stawwwwwp" lighthearted, playful girls, but clearly, I'm not.
I don't know why I felt the urge to act like someone I'm not.
I wasn't feeling like myself yesterday. I apologised. I didn't hit him. I didn't beat him. I slapped him a little, I don't know if I mentioned this in this thread, but he had pinched me prior to me slapping him in a playful way - I told him that I bruise fairly easily and that he should be more careful next time.
I wasn't seeking revenge when I slapped him, I was a nervous, stupid, inexperienced, sleep deprived wreck.

I wouldn't inflict pain on a man without him being very clear about wanting that. I'm not into submissive men. I'm not into hitting others either.
I hope that clarifies the situation, thank you two for listening and being respectful to one another, I appreciated that.

[Vencam]

@tallandsweet That's kind of what I imagined, actually. Thanks for clarifying the context!
Well, what to say, we make mistakes and learn from them, right? It's not like anyone got hurt from this, so it's all good, isn't it?
I'm glad this conversation could help you see the situation under a new light, that's certanely an unexpected, but pleasant, ending to this exchange

[Slime95]

If i was him, at the first sign of disrispect, i would payd for the stuff and offered to take you home.. Not saying that you wasn't right about what you was saying, the problem is how you sayd it. I don't see why you guys should date again, and if you do, good luck.. Hope he's not the type to remember stuff and payback.. 😂

[TallAnon]

Honestly, this just sounds like a mismatch to me. Like he is too immature for you and you expect better. Like spewing his gum on the floor was disappointing to you, as it was below your expectations of him.
At that point you're more like his mom, telling her son to clean up after himself (like a mature person talking to an immature person).
Then you stop seeing him as a love interest and the energy/expectations you had just slowly drain away.
Does that sound like it hit the mark at all?

[tallandsweet]

Hmm, this does sound fairly accurate when you go from what I've written about him - having met him, I can say that he's not what I'd usually look for in a guy, but I'm still convinced that we could have a very fun relationship. Some things are more complicated than just being attracted to someone, right?
I have a long history of feeling like I have to act like someone's mom, that's just how it's been. Things will change in the future, I'm certain about that.

[TallAnon]

Well, if you're looking for fun, that could definitely continue.
I must say, being in a relationship where you expect someone to change, that doesn't sound very healthy.

[lucas262]

Men put themselves in the friend zone,

Period. Don't be this guy guys,

Make it plain. And no gray none

Don't friend your way into her pants it don't work and its weak shit and thry can smell it a mile away, like sharks women smell petty weak shit. Best advise I can give is focused on you be self oriented noy quite selfish but she dosnt exist, she's part of your life but she isn't your life and right there is where many a man fucks up. Don't be that fuck up. You should have your own stuff going and she walks by says oh i may want to hop on this train its going somewhere

Attraction is backwards best way to say female nature is backwards for men.

[MannMitAntworten]

Restore it? I doubt you took it. However, neither you nor he seem all that interested in one another. If it were me, I’d say, “next...”

[tallandsweet]

Yeah, I agree, we need to get out priorities straight. I went through one of my anonymous myTakes yesterday that I wrote more than 7 months ago on another guy, and that made me realise how much I crave something as intense as that again, but I'm not ready.
He isn't ready either in my opinion. We're both really annoying and intense people, but he told me yesterday that I was good for him, and so far, he's not bad for me - which is an accomplishment in itself.
We'll see where it goes.

[MannMitAntworten]

... good for him. But is your being good for him good enough for you?

[tallandsweet]

We'll see. Ich leg mich da mal nicht fest :D

[MannMitAntworten]

Ja? How open?

[Anonymous]

It sounds to me that at least on some level, you're just not in to this guy. It also sounds like you gave him endless shit-tests and he didn't really pass any of them and as a result you've lost even more interest in him. Hence the being drained of energy and fearing that you robbed him of his masculinity (without which, if you're honest--he'd be pretty useless to you! lol!)

Just move on to a dude you're genuinely excited about.