I went on my fourth meet-up/date with the first guy I met from online dating today (here's the story of our first encounter: How not to meet someone you met online in real life (first meet-up/date advice) [Three months of online dating series] ).
As some of you may have read about, I also met someone new from an online dating app yesterday, which I described here: Mistakes I made when meeting someone I only knew for two days [Three months of online dating series, dating fails]
I told him about that today and this really, really pissed him off. He had asked me prior to me telling him about the whole thing to meet me today, I had agreed and asked him whether he wanted to know something that may upset him - he declined, but called me five minutes later, told me he wanted to know and quite frankly, he definitely didn't take it well.
Nonetheless, he came. Whenever we meet, he has to travel for 5-6h, which is time intensive and expensive. So far, I am under the impression that he can afford it since he never said that it was an issue. I hate talking about money, I told him to save that topic for when he's certain I'm not after his assets/his money or when he's 100% sure I'm not a gold digger.
He wanted to plan what we did today, and I let him - he ended up making up stories about the places we went, which sounds cute, but it just confused me, I didn't know whether he was telling me the truth or not and that sucked. When he realised I was getting angry about not knowing what wass going on, he stopped, which I appreciated.
For some strange reason, we ended up in a red light district (right next to the very touristy area, so that was very odd). At first, I thought the people behind the store windows were mannequins, but they were in fact real women. I then looked at the street again and gasped in horror at the amount of men roaming around there. I was the only female person on the street in sight - the men were comparing the women and the prices, which was so disgusting, all I wanted was to get out of there, so I grabbed his hand very tightly, looked at him with big eyes and we both made the run for it. It was horrible.
It was an honest mistake for both of us, I'm new to the city and he doesn't know it at all, so I didn't blame him, I actually liked the opportunity to feel protected by and safer around him.
The more I think about it, that's what was missing yesterday - I didn't feel safer around that guy, I didn't feel more comfortable either. I felt like I was in the comany of a girl, which is a feeling I don't mind - but it's not what I'm looking for either.
He told me that I didn't react well to the whole red light district thing, that I started to breathe very heavily and that he was worried I'd disappear, run away or do something like that. The reason for this is that I told him that this MAY happen if I don't feel comfortable anymore. Sometimes, I cannot say goodbye anymore, I've just got to get myself out of the whole situation. However, this rarely ever happens nowadays and I wasn't even close to doing that today. It was interesting to hear how he described my reaction, all I remember is that I almost blacked out because a sudden wave of negative emotions rolled in, but I fought it effectively and was fine within a few seconds.
[Photo above by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash]
I sent him to get food at the same place I went to with the other guy yesterday to test him - I also wanted him to find out whether it was really a family owned business. He stayed there for 15mins and had a great time talking to everyone, I hid a few metres down the street, I didn't want the store owner to recognise me, he would've commented on it for sure (he loves to make jokes and flirt with customers). Yesterday, the owner asked me whether me and the other guy were together and then a small kid appeared out of nowhere and wanted to know whether or not we're siblings. That was really awkward and I didn't want to go there just one day after that happened only to face the owner with another guy.
He came back really happy and we had food in a more hidden corner of a park (the other park benches were already occupied), where he started getting touchier too. I appreciated that, it helped me get rid of the feeling that he thought I was repulsive. It wasn't creepy, we also haven't kissed yet, but damn, I don't know whether I'd want to go on more meet-ups with him if he hadn't been as touchy as he was today. No longer getting friendzoney vibes from him, which is a relief and also highlights how important talking about these things is.
The whole touching thing
By the last couple of minutes, we were holding hands like in the picture below, not standing (we're not there yet in my opinion). I probably rejected him today physically, I could sense that he wanted to get even closer to me but I'm not there yet. Maybe he also tested me, that's a possibility too. He hasn't addressed it, it probably wasn't an issue for him. I also told him that due to my autism, I sometimes need more space. I pushed him away gently a few times today and then pulled him back in when I felt like it again.
This really is a mistake I made with my ex - not being as open as I should have about being different from others when it comes to physical touch. I CAN'T be touched all the time, and I don't want to feel close to having a meltdown just because I couldn't tell someone I didn't want them to touch me right then and there. So now, I'm just open about it. I also talked to him on the phone about this and he said that he appreciated me pulling him back in and that he didn't mind at all because he knew what to expect. Small update: My jacket still smells the way he does, 24h later. He really was close and I enjoyed that.
I'm not easy. I'm not sweet. I'm incredibly intense and I know that, but I appreciate him making such an effort.
Today marks our 3 month anniversary of knowing one another. I had completely forgotten about that, I also didn't know he cared, so I didn't care. He thought it was tomorrow, but when he realised what day it was today, he immediately rang me up to ask me whether I was free today/I could make the time. He had intended on giving me a letter (I so far highly doubt exists) that summarises our whole story up until now, and it was only because I met this other guy yesterday that he didn't want to give it to me today.
That's okay. We talked about it for hours and hours - I stayed up really late today, which is why I am posting this only now, I wanted to go over it again after going to sleep. I like how he said that I make him feel at ease, comfortable and like he can let himself go around me. I like how he mentioned many small aspects that show me how much he really cares. I like how he explained to me that it felt good to hold me, I missed hearing that.
Actually, I'm better now. I no longer feel like he's rejecting me, he also *finally* showed me his actual hair (it was cold the last few times and he always wore a hoodie or cap), which felt good knowing that he's a little insecure about going gray (he's about 10-20% gray). He hasn't seen me with my hair down yet, I had to get to know him better before that because I absolutely hate it when people go crazy over my hair. I have cute curls and a lot of volume for a caucasian girl, but I don't allow everyone to see that out of fear of people touching it.
I'm surprised that he feels like I'm doing "a lot" for him - all I did today was show up, act nice, allowed him to touch me (I generally have to practice acting like less of a brick wall in those situatioons) and I gave him cash because he didn't have any and you cannot pay with your card in small shops in Germany. He said he felt bad about it but I told him I don't mind and that he should just pay for food the next two times, then we'll be even again.
I don't know where this will go. I don't see myself marrying him, but a lot can happen in the next few years and I date to marry - I told him about my "year without men", which meant installing a wall between us that separates us from *finally* kissing one another. I don't know if he thinks about all of this as much as I do, but I knew he wanted to kiss me today, he touched my cheek with his when he leaned in while listening to his best friend's voice message. He looked me in the eyes in a very intense way multiple times. He drew me in on multiple occasions. Still, he respects my wish to wait, and that's a relief.
I love how when you're dating a German guy they generally treat you as equals. Chivalry is dead here, that's one point where some may have to tone down their expectations, but other than that, I like living here and hope that I'll find someone to accompany me on this incredible journey.
You probably didn't expect me to see him again if you've read the other takes I wrote about him, but to be honest, I'm glad that I'm seeing this through and I know that if I notice I'm stuck in the friendzone with him, I'll leave before it would hurt me too much.
So, what do you think?
How long does it take you to get to know someone better? Do you believe in love at first sight?