I have dated a lot of women, and either I am Self-Centered, or they are Self-Absorbed. What's the difference and what is worse?

[DaveJord]

Self-Absorbed - people see their interests and adventures through their own eyes. They assume what's fascinating to them is fascinating to others. They assume other people value the same things they do....

www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/in-practice/202103/3-reasons-self-absorbed-people-are-so-draining#:~:text=Self-absorbed%20people%20see%20their,technology%2C%20travel%2C%20or%20aesthetics.

Self-Centered - individuals have sense of entitlement that leads them to be carelessness, arrogance, or having a lack of empathy that prohibits them from seeing how their behavior affects others....

www.insider.com/guides/health/sex-relationships/self-centered

Self-Centered what's the deal with these types? Accusing someone of being self-centered is such an easy thing to do... it's almost at the point of honestly having no meaning in today's society. Think about it for a second and detach yourself from the negative connotations.

Who in this world, knows us better than ourselves? Who else in this world, knows your every thought, or every emotion... who else knows how the external environment is affecting you on a physical and emotional level more than you at this exact moment?

In this way we are all at the center of our own universes, we are the center of gravity for everything within our own lives. We all are our own planet, and all others are either moons, asteroids or other planets that orbit us, and even impact us... but we all are at the center of or focus of power within our own life. At what point does this come at the expense of others?

Same can be said, with being too self-absorbed. It easy to get carried away with your own feelings, and interests. I mean it is these feelings that drive us and motivates us to succeed, energizes us to go set goals and gives us a sense of accomplishment at the end of each day. To some degree we are all self-absorb, we have our own needs and wants, and at times it's hard not to put the blinders on. Because we all must care for our own needs on some level, but at what point does that come at the neglect of others?

In my opinion there is not a person in this world that is neither self-centered or self-absorb to some degree, so the conversation is not about any particular type being wrong or right, it's about at what point does it become self-defeating?

You all may know that I love to geek out with the best of them... think of the Dark Sith as Self-Centered and the Jedi as self-absorbed. We all tend to see our world in terms of good and evil, and everything would be so easy if it was that simple. But it's not, it is not white or black it's all grey. And the closer you get to the black or white areas the better the chances are that you are not out of balance. Which is why the Sith have the rule of two, because there is no room for more or others. The Jedi fell because their purist vision of the world led them to neglect themselves and others on emotional and physcial level. They got too caught in their own vison of how the world should be, they lost sight of what it honestly was. Until too it was too late.

Is this not the story of our dating life's

Self-Centered- I as a man meet a woman, and I think how much she could impact my life in a positive way... but again, I am only thinking that in terms of the effects it has on me, and how it aligns with my wants and needs.

Self-Absorbed- The woman seems to be oblivious to my needs or wants, because she views right and wrong through her own lens and rejects without understanding those that do not share her vision.

But the issue with this is on some level we all do this, and we all know the Dark and Light are rather small and confiding places to live, and the grey is largely vast and unknown, and that is scary. So, we tend to strive to reach that light or hide in the dark.... instead of thriving in the large and unknow of the grey. Stepping outside our comfort zone, and comprehending the world we live in as being different from the one we would want to be live in.

Strive to be kind and generous in all that you do, but I do what you do for your own reasons, regardless of how oblivious you are to the ramifications it could have on others. Because 90% of rest that live within the unknown areas beyond your level of comprehension. So, open yourself to the possibilities, that no matter how large or small your planet is... it's a lot bigger than you can possibly imagine. All those things that are there for the finding, will only be found by those that seek to see it.

[Xoxocutekitty]

A curve ball of definition here since typically I find people who are self-absorbed to be more introverted and those who are self-centered as more extroverted.

The person who is self absorbed might be very hobby/goal focused and gets so wrapped up in their interests or accomplishments (could also be work) that they could benefit from reaching out into the world and noticing the direct social cues from their partners. It's less malignant than deliberately putting your partner second or third.

The person who is self centered I've found typically likes to be surrounded by other people who might validate their experiences. This person might find a discordant opinion to be unsupportive and/or feed off attention given to them. The self centered person might forget to extend this validation to those around them, particularly if they are "going through a lot, and taking up too much space in a conversation. I don't think it's necessarily intentional, just some people need more external validation than others.

I think two self absorbed people can be compatible with each other while two self centered people can also be compatible with each other. It depends on how the partners recognize when and how much space and attention they need to give each other.

[DaveJord]

I really like this opinion, totally agree with point and generalization... in both cases. Everyone is a little of something.

[hahahmm]

Independence (a form of self focus) is often not compatible with a successful relationship. But it's also true that it would be foolish to act like a girlfriend is a wife. Things were better when people didn't do endless dating but they had high relationship goals. Yes, I understand that today it is much harder to find quality partners worth marrying.

When a person is focused on being independent they won't contribute much, if anything, to the relationship. The most honest feminist I ever heard, said that she was useless in a relationship because she was so selfish. Yet she wanted all the benefits of traditional relationships from men. Some men are foolish enough to give everything for just sex and a smile when they could have had those things for free/low cost without all the relationship obligations/handing a woman benefits.

Anyhow, I think self absorbed & self-centered are just flavors of the same thing.

[DaveJord]

100% its literally like choosing between, Coke Zero over straight Diet. When honestly almost anything else would be better for you.

You said, "Independence (a form of self-focus) is often not compatible with a successful relationship."

This my experience as well... like they are so focus on themselves, everything else is a threat to their independence... due their own fear of commitment.

[Malwi93]

Not compatible? It clashes entirely. I hate relationships

[hahahmm]

@Malwi93 Relationships worked fine for thousands of years then some 'geniuses' came along and decided it was a good idea to minimize marriage and focus on selfish pursuits of fun/not being responsible for any of the traditional stuff.

[Malwi93]

Maybe but back to 2023 - give me one rational reason to give up my freedom

[hahahmm]

@Malwi93 Because if I were to toss you into a prison with men you would have zero freedom and this is exactly where society is headed as society becomes less orderly. It's becoming less orderly because people with your ideas thought traditional values are unimportant. The end result will be men taking the idea that "men and women are equal" 100% seriously. Look at what happens when transgender dudes compete against women in sports. The guy wins 100% of the time and only has to put in half effort. And those guys aren't even the good male athletes. They're the bottom of the barrel male athletes who couldn't cut it competing against men but now go against the best of the best women. Now imagine a society where you have that same competition going on at street level every time you go outside. You'd be raped every day of your life. Not by guys like me but there's enough guys out there who are into that... that you would be. There's reasons why women found it a good idea to have a male protector in the past.

This competition extends to other areas of life too tho, not just violent crime. Men are starting not to mentor women in business. It's hard to get ahead when guys ignore you. The only reason western women have "freedom" is because men gave it to them. Men can take it away faster than you can say, "no more welfare for single moms".

All that said... this is about society in general. If enough people go back to traditional ways you could still be a cat lady with 50 cats and independence. You'd be protected by the overall order of society.

[Malwi93]

I’m neither traditional nor modern just asked u a practical question

[hahahmm]

@Malwi93 So how many cats are you going to have?

[Malwi93]

i dont know where u got the idea im advocating anything nontraditional. just my stance

[Malwi93]

then i have to sex with them, which is also like work lol

[Juxtapose]

@Malwi93 companionship is a good reason. If you don't feel that need for a deep, romantic relationship then I guess it's not that valuable to you.

[Juxtapose]

Most people yearn for meaningful relationships.

[Malwi93]

@Juxtapose it’s not it has 0 value to me

[hahahmm]

@Juxtapose Women who grew up in single mom homes tend not to value good relationships. They believe they can never find a good man since their mom sucked at finding/keeping good man. They then think that they need to become masculine, 'the man' since they will never find a guy willing to play that role in their life. Every time somebody farts, a butch feminist is born.

[Malwi93]

www.cnn.com/.../index.html

[hahahmm]

@Malwi93 85% of the people in prison come from single mom homes.

[Finchie40]

The truth is everyone in general is a selfish person , we all have selfishness in us , when you can’t remove your inner selfishness for someone that is removing their inner selfishness for you , then the relationship is just a waste of time period , For love to grow between 2 people , both people have to remove their inner selfishness for each other and prioritize each other , We are all incompatible people, we have all come from different paths in life , so no matter who you end up with in a relationship , you are both still incompatible people. Relationships don’t end because of incompatibility, relationships end because of immaturity , You can’t expect someone to do for
You , if you can’t do for them period , you can’t expect someone to sacrifice for you, if you can’t sacrifice for them period , it needs to go both ways or the relationship will fail. Most relationships end because most people do not know how to remove selfishness , they only think what is best for them without considering how their partner truly feels , and that’s where a lot of double standards come into play , Most girls’ I have been in a relationship with , were selfish people , they only really thought about what was best for them , they never really factored in my feelings , they just assumed things were ok between us , They would set boundaries with me , but they didn’t know how to follow those same boundaries they set themselves and that’s why they became my ex Things that were not ok for me to do , were ok for them to do , and that’s why we would end up butting heads and started resenting each other. I am not saying every girl does this , or every guy does this , but a majority of people do , without really realizing they are doing it. We can only trust someone that respects us back the same , we can’t trust someone that only thinks what is best for them. When a relationship turns one sided , it’s usually best to walk away from that person after You express your feelings of concern to them , if nothing changes then that’s your answer to walk away, because they only truly care about themselves , they only like the convenience of you , but they truly don’t love and value you They only love themselves. So a self centered person only likes themselves and only thinks what is best for themselves , basically it’s their way or no way , a self absorbed person only sees things that interests them , they don’t care about someone else’s interests , you either llike beer or you don’t , I love beer and if you don’t love beer like me , then that’s your problem not mine , Me personally would choose a self absorbed girl over a self centered girl , just as long as she accepts the things I enjoy as well, whether she wants to be a part of it or not that’s fine with me , just as long as she doesn’t criticize me or belittle Me and make me feel like a piece of shit for liking the things I like, I will support her interests as long as she supports mine , That’s where respect comes into play , We as people are not always going to agree on things but when you learn to accept someone for them and learn to accept each other’s flaws , then that’s where love grows , we are all imperfect people

[Alli39]

I generally think of self-centered as being worse than self-absorbed. Self-centered kind of implies, to me at least, that the person is capable of seeing things from other perspectives and simply chooses not to, whereas self-absorbed implies that the person legitimately doesn't connect. Neither are good, but self-centered carries a little more malice in connotation.

I'd like to point out that us all existing in the universe with our own opinions, perspectives, and experiences is different from everyone being self-absorbed or self-centered. If you generalize those terms to the broader population I think they loose their meaning. In that case, if a relationship is failing because one or both people involved are self-centered/self-absorbed, but all people are both, then the relationship is failing due to human nature. We know this is not the case because not all relationships fail. Instead, I'd argue that when applying either term, you're referring to people who are failing to connect with others to an unusual extent.

I actually think the bigger question is not whether it's you or them that should be defined by what label, but why are you thinking this way? Is it being self-centered something you've been accused of repeatedly? Or is being self-absorbed a trait you often assign to former relationships? If you've notice a pattern, I'd say it probably time to consider how your behavior or attitudes might be leading to this perception. (Not to say that you or they are anything of the kind, but if you have a concern about repeated problems across multiple relationships, the first place to start is usually introspection, which is, of course, easier said than done.)

[SakuraBlossoms87]

@DaveJord

There is an old saying "birds of a feather flock together" and it essentially means people of a certain characteristic attracts and sticks with people of similiar.

It is why drug addicts have "friends" predominantly among drug addicts. People looking for causal meaningless relationships continually get involved with undesirables. And on and on.

You are either self centered or self absorbed - there's really not much difference between either - and as such you're only capable of attracting / keeping the like.

[DaveJord]

This is a good point, and in most cases, this does not bother anyone. But it is definitely inflated within the dating process. Like completely different love languages.

[mattclark242]

I think they are about the same but self-Centered, seem worst and you need to try think of other more self-absorbed just seem like you forcuseing on your self and you have a lot going on and that fine. But you to ask about other when you text them and show them you care and your not just ask cause you know you should.

it a lot like self preservation but self preservation is what an A I robot would have but it not worth kill other so you live you need save and care about every one.

[boobliker]

most of the time it's not us men?

but them just saying it to make us look whatever they are trying to get out of, way back I had to see a shrink as I (yes me) was asking too much of my marriage a year later we split up yes D share everything out then 5 months latter she came back wanting me back I said I am having fun and sex every night what can you offer The same she said haha anyhow she waited for? her to move on maybe she was pushed. but we are happy now and I am none of the above any more BIG BUT I have not changed just not web now.

[RingOfFire]

I've also dated a lot of women and I have come to like when I date one that is self absorbed and self centered. It makes me really appreciate the rare and AMAZING woman who you would think would be self absorbed because of the way she looks, but is not... and instead is deep, genuine and available.

You have to mine a lot of rock and dirt to get to the diamonds.

[Raaj4you]

Modern men and women are self-centered and selfish. If you want to be in a relationship then you have to be self less, sympathetic and empathetic. When I think of my ancestors, great grand parents, grandparents they were self less.

[DaveJord]

Now you can't be selfless with either of these two types... because it will always be a one-way road. Well, I can't be anyway... But I am probably self-centered.

Necessity and family, is what kept your grandparents together. We live in different times.

[Raaj4you]

Yes, we live in different times. You know "change is inevitable".

[strateguy632]

good conclusion but if you aren't arrogant then u aren't self centred

[DaveJord]

Nah, I think you can totally be arrogant without being completely either of the two.

[catarecute]

i am self absorbed and up myself over confident and i am aware of this up i have empathy an i try not to be a bitch if its not needed. and if ever i am a bitch i have remorse and apologise.

[acidburnone]

damn dude why so long pharagraphs what is this wall of china texting?

Hey listen iv had a whole 2 relationships in my 17 years in this world, all i can say is that most girls have no idea wth they are doing like 90% or they act like it so if they do just call them mid and move on

[Anonymous]

They are both bad. But it seems like sociopathic behavior can be rewarding to men to a certain extent given how women are often turned by mystery/challenge. They will eventually get rid of you. However these guys do get their foot in the door. However they might self sabotage a good opportunity.

Now a more selfless man is prone to being exploited. If he’s lucky he will find a woman who equally loved and respects him. But if he gets taken advantage too many times he might give up.

[LostandFound__x]

Most girls I have met and the reason why I literally have like 3 friends, is because most women are both self absorbed and self centred. It’s reflected in friendships too. And I got sick of it.

[DaveJord]

My sister says the same thing. She literally said to me this weekend, that;

"You think woman treat men badly? You should see how they treat other woman they call their friends!"

She something about how I hate it when woman project their feelings onto men, and my sister said who do you think they project them on when there is no man around! LOL

[LostandFound__x]

100000%!!! Lol. Trust me they grant way more grace to men

[NavyblueTacos]

I really relate to this, women can be so terrible to eachother.

[DaveJord]

@LostandFound__x if they grant more grace to men... then we are doomed! LOL

[LostandFound__x]

Lol trust me!

[nastyb]

If you have dated plenty of women and nothing has ever worked out, the problem likely has to do with you, not them.

[Billlewis]

To me, women have the inherent right to be at least somewhat more selfish, demanding and even arrogant than guys, but that's just my opinion.

[DaveJord]

It not about right or wrong. We have the have right to be our own people. But do we play nice with others?

[Billlewis]

That's an excellent question, and I think that people in general have become more selfish and less considerate of others over the past three or four years, presumably because when times are bad, people are more focused on themselves, and because as technology enables them to avoid interacting with other people directly, they lose their 'people skills' as a result.

[DaveJord]

Yes, society and Technolgy has made us all more self-indulgent and oblivious. We spend more time interacting with technology and pets on an intimate level then we do with other humans.

[Jamie05rhs]

I think it's perfectly okay to be somewhat self-centered when CHOOSING a mate. But after you GET them, you can't be self centered anymore. Because a relationship with two self-centered people cannot last.

[DaveJord]

I agree with this, be it goes for both... the self-absorb or self-centered. Like for example I know I am at least slightly self-centered. It seems that most the woman I am dating these days are either slightly or extremely self-absorb, but they seem obvious to it.

[Jamie05rhs]

@DaveJord Yeah. (You mean oblivious, right?)

[Hannajenky]

It’s easier to see the faults of someone else than it is to see faults in ourselves

[_SillyShoes_]

Just a note, if the common denominator is always you - you're most probably (logically speaking) the issue here.

[DaveJord]

100% but I know I am self-centered. Most these other people are just to self-absorbed to realize how they are acting. Lol

[Silver158]

I'd say iy's self absorbed. Like IO was seeing a girl from work and after about a month she couldn;t even remember how we actually started flirting.

[OddBeMe]

We’re all self centered. You, they, me, my wife. We all care about specific individual things for us instead of our neighbors.

[msc545]

A little narcissism is healthy. A lot of it is not.