Have you ever dated a widow or widower?

[OlderAndWiser]

When I was 63, I was invited to a Christmas party in a condo at Jacksonville Beach and almost everyone in attendance was fairly affluent. I am not a rich man but I wasn't uncomfortable with that crowd. I met a woman from Germany - Ingrid - who had been in the US for many years, was a US citizen, very fluent in English, and a very feminine, refined, and polished lady. She looked a little older than me but was healthy and active and I felt attracted to her. (I later learned that she was 78 years old at that time.) From a mutual acquaintance, I learned that she had one long term marriage that ended with the death of her husband about 10 years previously. I had never previously dated a widow but, when you get older and you are dating, more and more of the available women are widows.

I got her phone number and asked her for a date and she readily accepted. I took her to a nice restaurant for dinner and I had a delightful time. I could tell that she had not dated much in the past 10 years and she was a bit shy, so I held her hand only briefly at the end of the date and made no effort to give her a goodnight kiss. We repeated this pattern two or three times, and then we made a dinner date for Valentine's Day.

I sent her a dozen red roses on Valentine's Day with a card which read "Ich möchte deine Hand halten und deine Lippen küssen!" ("I want to hold your hand and kiss your lips!") I thought that I would, at last, get to kiss her at the end of the date that night. Instead, she explained that she enjoyed my company and was attracted to me but the idea of any romantic involvement made her feel that she was being disloyal to her deceased husband.

I immediately knew that this was an emotional response and no amount of logic could persuade her to feel differently. Any attempts to convince her to kiss me would be met with resistance and I would never want to force myself on a woman, even if only for a kiss. So I told her that I understood what she was saying, I regretted that she was unable to let go of those feelings, but I accepted it exactly as it was and wished her good luck.

I know that all widows do not respond the same way but, if presented the opportunity again, I would probably be more hesitant to date her and probably would move more quickly to discover if she was truly available on an emotional level.

You can't win when you compete with a dead guy!

Have you had any experiences dating a widow or widower?

[meetkitty123]

I married a widow so clearly I dated one. We had different challenges. We were accused of him moving too fast by his family. Looking back at it I suppose he did move rather quickly after her death but I understand him he had taken care of his wife for 5 or 4 years watching her go downhill he saw her death coming he wasn't blindsided by it he already had his time to acknowledge what was coming. And by the time her death came he was ready to let go and move on

It's very difficult to watch someone you care about suffer for years on end and when their death comes it is a sort of relief a source of freedom of course you care about them but you know they're no longer suffering and that they're in a better place they're safe you no longer have to worry.

That's where he was when I met him he had come to terms with her passing before she had passed he was still grieving but he wanted a chance at happiness.

We married a year and a month after her passing. It's something his family never forgiven us for they felt he should have grieved longer harder but everybody grieves in their own way and I know he grieved I saw it. For his family it hit them harder because they were in denial when she became ill they withdrew and they were not there to help nor to watch her go downhill so clearly they were in a different grieving stage than he but they have never been willing to hear him out or open to hearing what he had to say.

Ironically now he is the one who has been ill for years he is slowly deteriorating and he is facing a surgery that may take his life but if he doesn't have the surgery his life can end within a year. After caring for him for 3 years now I am prepared for whatever comes. Sadly I feel his family made the same mistake again they withdrew when he became ill they've kept their distance and so if he is to pass within this next year I fear it will hit them very hard and they will not understand my grieving stage just as they didn't understand his.

For me his passing will not be a blind Side I have had plenty of time to acknowledge what has happened and what will happen. In many ways my moving on stage has already begun it's just how things are when you're a caregiver and you've had to make arrangements ahead of time such as a will pre-funeral arrangements sign many forms regarding their illness, signing a living will which states do not resuscitate... All these things I've been through already advances my grieving stage.

I have to say this is far different from when I suffered the passing of my boyfriend/would have been fiance. In that situation it took me a long time to grieve because the death was sudden he was on his way to see me we had a date I was waiting for him he never made it he died in a car wreck and his pocket an engagement ring he was going to purpose to me that night.

Some deaths hit you harder than others and sometimes how much time you had to prepare can make a difference on how long it takes you to move on.

[OlderAndWiser]

Incredibilmente!

[Whatthefluff]

I am so sorry. I hope his surgery goes well.

[Brainsbeforebeauty]

Haven’t dated one, no… but I am that widower that’s single but not “emotionally available” and that wouldn’t be fair or right to get involved with someone unless/until that would change…

[OlderAndWiser]

Difficult situation for both parties because it's not going to work but neither one has done anything "wrong" and there is no one to blame.

[Brainsbeforebeauty]

Why I don’t date

[OlderAndWiser]

For the benefit of potential suitors, that is quite thoughtful of you!

[Avicenna]

I haven't, but my uncle has (coincidentally, she was also originally from Germany). It's worked out for him, which is surprising because he was always a playboy who dated much younger women.

Whether someone is over their ex (es) is always a potential issue, but as you point out, it can be much more complex with a widow.

[DarkCarousel]

Yes, I have. He lost his wife tragically and was raising two very young children by himself. His experiences shaped who he was in every capacity of life. We did not separate for any reason related to his deceased wife. Had we stayed together, I'd have kept her pictures up in our home together-- because she was the mother of his children and she was such a significant part of his life. We had a beautiful relationship, until we had to go our separate ways.

My father is also a widower. He lost my mother to cancer. In her sickness, she begged him to not live his life in sorrow-- to not be alone. I think the idea of him being alone tormented her. My father is newly engaged an incredible woman-- truly a gem. I'm so thankful for the happiness that she has brought into my dad's life (and into the rest of my families' lives.)

Prior to my own experiences, both in my relationship with a widower as well as my father's, I never thought I could be with someone who lost their significant other. I thought that I'd be jealous, that I would never be able to compete with the memory of that person. But it's not like that at all. There is no comparison. It's just someone else— someone additional— that you are blessed with loving.

[Nik1hil]

You excellently frame the questions sir.

II think her fear stems from the fact that she had a perfect life and you are trying to change it or rewrited It,

I think the only assurance she needs is that you don't want to change it you want to have something different, you have affections for her but you don't expect to start a new family, or overwrite those perfect moments.

"You don't expect a honeymoon and considering both of your age all you expect is to have someone. Someone to wake up in the same room as you not in the same bad necessarily. someone to have a proper dinner with and to take care of and to be taken care by, when either of you fall sick. In a world that is being consumed by technology and changing rapidly that you cannot recognise, you want someone that you can. "

If I were you I would that.. Then add..

" you had a perfect life (her name) all I want is to support you, Since the person who fulfilled his vows 'till death do us apart' is no longer with us."

[CubsterShura]

Never did but I'm open to it. I would also have it in my mind if this person feels guilty to date anyone else now and address it very early on.

I personally don't mind. I've already learned that you can find love even when it feels impossible, the heart is very strong and resilient and it doesn't lose its ability to love as easily as we think. I wouldn't mind moving on myself if anything like that ever happened, God forbid, and if I am the one who dies I would like my partner to be able to find love again.

[BCRanger10]

Have I? No.

My wife and I have a friend whose husband died prematurely in an accident at work about three years ago (prematurely, as in under 30). The night of the funeral, my wife and I were talking and we each told the other that if one of us became widowed that we should date and marry again in due time.

[Darryl1057]

You have to set that aside I married a widow and she often speaks of her husband. But remember she didn’t choose for her husband to die. She truly loves me and I except her previous husband and his family as my own. It’s very hard at times during holidays and her son hasn’t let me in He’s pretty mean to me often that hurts the most.

[OlderAndWiser]

I never intended to imply that ALL widows are like the one that I dated.

[Koneko911]

No as I'm only 29 and lots of people my age ate married sure, but their partners tend to be alive. Though I did lose my partner when I was 18 (he died) and we had been together since about 5. So I sorta felt like a widow when I started dating again after he passed. But not sure if that's the same, or if what I said was rude to widows or not... if so sorry 😔

[Likes2drive]

Only talked to some on dating apps but never met, they were ready emotionally I guess since they were on a dating app but if you meet one in person you really don’t know if they are a available that way even after years, some never get a partner again, from what I noticed the ones that do after a short time didn’t have a good relationship to begin with

[WanderingLoveWizard]

No girl can compete with my deceased girlfriend either, but I'll still have sex with them.
Maybe if we were married for 40 years it would be a different story, but she would want me to go on and be happy (I think)

[worldscolide]

Once.. It got weird when she wanted me to dress similar and act similar to her husband. I cut that relationship short.

[OlderAndWiser]

Weird!

[worldscolide]

yeah im not sure she was over his death.

[LiamJHayden]

No. My mom died three years before my dad did, and he did not so much as date. My neighbor, on the other hand, lost his wife of more then forty years one May and was remarried before the year ended. Some people cannot operate without a partner.

[OlderAndWiser]

I can top that. My older brother was married for 48 years to a woman who was a big baby, wanted to be cared for, and never shouldered much responsibility. She was also about the size of a miniCooper. Being married to her, I'm sure, was quite "challenging," at least, and very little fun. Then she developed kidney failure, spent a few years on dialysis, and died on June 23, 2022. Within 6 weeks, he was remarried to a woman who has proven herself to be an alcoholic and a golddigger, and she's ugly AF!

[turnpost]

bro again, like seriously stop hating on women

[GoodGuyBreakingBad]

Thanks for sharing with us, I never had such an experience, but I do appreciate your MyTake.

[imfreeze95]

I would date a widow assuming they hadn’t killed there spouse

[OlderAndWiser]

How would you know? What if he died after having sex with her?

[turnpost]

Then that was foreplay. And they had ask for consent.

[imfreeze95]

I don’t think dying during sexual intercourse counts as homicide

[OlderAndWiser]

It's not homicide but if she fucks you to death, you're just as dead as if she killed you.

[Hiroshi-Kun]

Nope. I’m still too young to have such experiences.

[WhiteBoyChill]

There aren’t many 20 year old women that are widows lol. At the same time tho, I’ve also not been dating either

[Surely]

Yes I have. Married to one.
Better than a divorcée.

[Bismarck_96]

I never had but thanks for sharing a touching experience

[strateguy632]

no fair!! they let you put a? on mytake but nitpicked me for that. i should stop whining. 🙄

[MihirLopez]

Do widows need to live so lowly

[OlderAndWiser]

I don't understand your question.

[MihirLopez]

Why is it that dating a widow gets you the finger of blame?

[OlderAndWiser]

From the widow?

[MihirLopez]

From the eyes of others

[OlderAndWiser]

The perception may be that you are hoping to take advantage of a vulnerable female. My experience is that widows are not necessarily vulnerable, but can be very loyal to their departed spouse.

[Exterminatore]

Yes. I married one. My wife was a widow.