In Dating There Is No Such Thing As "Mixed Signals"

[VictorMachiavelli]

People often find themselves confused about whether the person they're attracted to, talking to, or dating reciprocates their feelings. This uncertainty often stems from what seem to be mixed signals, particularly when the other person alternates between showing interest and disinterest.

Consider your behavior when you're genuinely into someone. You typically respond quickly to their messages, eagerly start conversations whenever possible, and make an effort to meet up whenever you're free. In this scenario your intentions are clear and straightforward.

Now, contrast this with how you behave when you like someone but aren't as strongly attracted to them; they're just "alright." Your motivation isn't as strong in this case. On good days, you may feel like chatting and making plans, but other times you might read their messages and forget to respond, preoccupied with other things. Perhaps you've even arranged meetings but canceled, coming up with some excuse not to. You wouldn't do these things with the one you really like.

Basically, so-called mixed signals are really just a sign of lack of interest - it's as simple as that.

[Asimiv]

Yes and no. It's one thing when you look at it from the standpoint of the person who might be sending mixed signals, and who knows their motivations. But it's a completely different thing when you look at it from the standpoint of the receiver who has no idea what's actually going on. Below I'll give two examples from personal experience that can easily come accross as mixed signals:

1. We were walking around the lake for a while and talking. At one point he hugged me (in a manner that can be interpreted both as friendly and romantic - that's the reason why I didn't hug him back later because it also started as a casual situation, and it took a bit to recognize the change in behaviour as possible romantic behaviour because he didn't directly tell me he liked me), anyway, I was really gassy that evening, I don't know why, but it just wouldn't stop. So just as I spent a lot of our walking walking away from him and then getting closer again, I had to do the same when he hugged me unless I wanted the fart to go in his face given I had a long (bum-covering) jacket on me. That could have easily come off as sending mixed signals, and later I really blamed myself for not simply saying why I was moving away that whole evening.

2. Sometimes you can really like somebody, but be so focused on something else that you don't actually fully realize you like the person until either the person tells you they like you (or ask if you like them) or until it's too late. Been in both situations, the one who was direct and asked me if I liked him, at that moment I said yes and STILL wasn't 100% aware of it, but was starting to realize it at that moment (say I was half aware of it before, then it took me until the end of the date to become fully aware). The one when it was too late (the one from point no. 1 - although to this day I don't know if he actually liked me), I was actually aware that I liked him, but since I was so focused on that starting as a casual situation (and on some other things), I kind of dimmed my feelings, and kept being confused and thinking how in the world do I manage to like him so much mentally and melt in his presence, but not be all feely touchy? So in one stupid moment I came to a conclusion it must mean I had no romantic interest, so I blurted it out because I felt so safe with him I just thought out loud. It took me a couple of more days of confusion after he ghosted, so a couple of more days of thinking how in the world was I not all feelingsy, but was so worried about why he ghosted to realize I liked him romantically. Do you get it? I knew I liked him and that I liked him *a lot*, but I was also oblivious to it because I just had a stupid moment (short period) of misfocus.

So sometimes mixed signals indeed are just people playing or not having enough interest, but sometimes they're just stupid things like this. It's always better to be direct and ask if you think someone is sending mixed signals, or at least talk to them when they ask why you're pulling back (or why you ghosted). Sometimes people do genuinely like you, but are slow to realize it for whatever reason. It doesn't mean they like you any less.

[anon1903]

I generally exit the relationship if there's a hot and cold pattern. I agree with your take, but I know some people who check their watches before replying. It's weird.

[dynamicyandere]

That’s how things would work naturally.


However, sometimes people want to stay incognito.


Sometimes they have a lot of interest, but they are actually trying to hide it.


But, they aren’t really good at hiding their signs of interest because they’re automatic and they have difficulty acting staying calm and indifferent. (Which would be the best thing to do if one were to stay incognito.)


Because of this, they can’t stay under the radar, so what do they do? Throw in mixed signals.


That way, they can counter the positive signals that they can’t seem to help but send.


This way, their attraction can still stay ambiguous.


Of course, if you have a very good reign of your emotions and expression of them, you don’t need to resort to this. But, there are also many people who can’t help but wear their heart on their sleeve. Using the mixed signals approach is for these people if they want to keep their attraction ambiguous.


Why incognito? They may not want to confess if they’re unsure how the other person feels first. They perhaps want to avoid rejection or embarrassment.


Another reason could be that there’s an attraction, but due to prior commitments, they need to create deterrents. For example they’re already in a relationship. Or the one they are attracted to is already in a relationship. Both scenarios are reasons for why someone may send mixed signals as well.


But of course, your reason is valid as well. That’s also another possibility. Mixed signals can also be a sign of lack of interest rather than suppression of sexual/romantic tension or the intentional pursuit of ambiguity.

[dynamicyandere]

There’s also many instances when a girl is very interested in a guy, but doesn’t want to appear desperate, so they purposely try to act less interested than they are.

Flirtation is incredibly nuanced.

[alacrity]

I agree with your opinion, but ill add this too: even if they might actually have feelings and are just trying to hide them by acting disinterested, the point still stands. We are all adults here, and its not a good look to try mind games with anyone. If someone is not able to express their true thoughts (either way), regardless of intent, its an issue and the couple is not compatible

[dynamicyandere]

@alacrity That’s a very valid point as well.

Time is valuable, and as we get older and have more responsibilities, that fact becomes even more apparent. Out of respect for each other’s time, a more honest and straightforward approach is the mature way of going about things.

I personally also don’t like dealing with mind games, and I believe it should be something that one should grow out of.

If someone is truly compatible with you, they will not judge you for showing your true feelings and being your authentic self.

[ProbablyClueless]

This is one of those "in an ideal world" takes. The reality is that people are deceptive and obtuse as fuck. Sometimes, the person genuinely likes you, but is socially retarded and has no idea how to express their feelings. Sometimes the person gives you all the greenlights in the world, but they're just leading you on.

There's a lot of sucky people in the world, my dude.

[VictorMachiavelli]

Nothing to with an ideal world, my dude. In an ideal world everybody would speak plainly and be honest with each other, and mixed signals wouldn't even exist.

People are more deceptive with people they're only kind of interested in, than they are with people they're strongly interested in.

[Rei13]

I agree with the take. There are always exceptions but if someone likes you, you’ll know. If you’re questioning hot/cold behavior but still trying to make it work you obviously like them a lot more than they do you and are just wanting/hoping/dreaming that they secretly feel the same.. spoiler alert they don’t lol.

[bededazzle]

well, there are definitely limits to language, hypervigilance, and different personalities. it doesn't necessarily mean anyone is trying to make things confusing, but things can be confusing. to me (and keep in mind I am a total failure at dating in reality) it is more about knowing what you want and just seeing if things match up over time. for men especially, it may be unreasonable for a woman to prioritize you much early on, even if she is curious about you. well, it's just best not to think too much about it, but that is hard lol.

[VictorMachiavelli]

That's the thing, I don't think it's unreasonable at all for a woman to prioritize you much early on - that's exactly what they do when they're really into a guy, in the same way we do with women we really like. Anything else indicates lack of interest. A woman being just curious about you, "giving you a chance" or whatever, is a sign of lack of interest.

[bededazzle]

i see your point. hm, i’m not sure what else to say at the moment but it’s definitely a valid point

[Middleman]

Yup I am going through this right now. The other person on the end says (or claims anyways) her work schedule is busy so messages that I leave her don't get replied until like either the next day or until the next 2-3 days. I'll admit it is hard to judge sometimes whether it is genuine or that she is just stringing me along; is the shy type or just not confident enough - as the messages I get are sometimes short and the long delay in her replying back happens even after I said that I liked to go out with her. That said she is also in the midst of moving to another city (which will be nearer to me) so there's that.

Instant messaging is great, but when it comes to dating and LDR it gets tricky for sure.

[Inbox]

Generally speaking, this is true. Anything apart from a "yes" is a no by that person usually, however you're making the mistake that the "mixed signal" is a mixed signal to begin with and that just because "you" would behave a certain way, it does not mean the other person will as well.

For example, I just took out a hot young 20ish year old girl - she would take almost a whole day to respond to my text messages, but experience taught me better: she would always respond and with enthusiasm. Normally, if a girl doesn't respond within 3 hours, it's usually a sign that a girl is not that interested, but this girl was slightly eccentric and yet, I still gave her the... Inbox tour LOL

[Asimiv]

Having a 3-hour limit on replying is honestly pointless. What if somebody works a night-shift but you don't know it? Or is in the middle of something and doesn't have their phone next to them? If I'm at home, I can not enter my room for a prolonged period of time, but I left my phone there. Or when I'm out with friends, I leave the phone in my purse/backpack and won't hear the notifications nor look at it unless I need to. And sometimes I work events or have other work to until early morning hours, so I will sleep until some point in the afternoon. Which means somebody could have sent me the message in the morning, but I'll see it after 5-6-8 hours.

[Inbox]

@Asimiv Did you even read my comment? I said "usually" meaning it's not a 100% definitive sign.

[Asimiv]

I know you said usually, but I wouldn't even say usually. Because I know a lot of people who are not by their phone at all times, and a lot of people with a messed up sleeping schedule. And often even if I have my phone next to me, but I'm working, I will hear the notification, but won't look, and then I'll forget a notification even came until I turn to my phone and see the light blinking. Sure, that usually won't be 3 hours long, but it can still be quite long. So for me replying after a lot of hours is normal, not something that happens sometimes. And yet when I am actively on or by my phone (not working), I will indeed reply immediately when I'm interested

[Inbox]

@Asimiv “Sure, that usually won’t be 3 hours long…I will indeed reply immediately when I’m interested” I’m blocking you.

[exitseven]

I knew a girl who used to ignore me sometimes. She would walk right by me and not say a word. Then if I started talking to another girl she would come over and break it up and ask me to do something with her. Then she would not show up for a date and tell me she forgot but she ended up in the hospital and made sure somebody left me a note letting me know where she was. She told me she loved me but when I spent a month in the hospital she could not even send me a card. it was pretty confusing

[ObscuredBeyond]

To be fair, the gal that I felt ghosted by most recently, ghosted her own relatives. Leaving them equally as confused as to what happened. Most likely, she dropped and broke her phone (again!)

Then again, any time I suggest meeting up with her anywhere, she changes the subject, or is suddenly in a hurry. She likes hanging out with me at the gas station, but chokes up whenever I suggest Barnes and Noble or a the movie theater.

[SotiCoto]

You do realise that women routinely try to play mind-games, right?
That they will act like they aren't interested even when they are because they're trying to be manipulative.

Yes, obviously that is douchebag behaviour and should be strongly avoided / discouraged, but it is still a thing that happens quite often. If any guy is so desperate that he is willing to try and play along with that nonsense... well, the consequences are theirs to deal with.

[VictorMachiavelli]

Absolutely, but they only do that with guys they're interested in but not that strongly interested in. They don't fuck around so much with men they really want.

[Malwi93]

thats true

[deus_ex_sisyphus]

Dont agree, for instance when I was younger, I would intentionally withhold a response back to my girl over 3 days. By your logic, I wouldn't be interested. However, I was young, dumb and very interested in her. Girls sometimes will play similar mind games with you, or "mixed signals" if you will.

[letthefire80]

I believed in it and read a lot of books about dating but now i believe that it is like music or food you like. When you know, you know

[deus_ex_sisyphus]

@letthefire80 whoa hide yo men hide yo sons this girl is a pickup artist

[MemeSupreme]

sometimes its not a sign of lack of interest but bad timing

[PrincessBunBuns]

Facts. Either someone wants you or they don’t. When you know, you’ll 100% know.

[Monalisa77]

I just dont think i pick up on the right signals, to me its mixed due to my lack of experience

[Yannae]

There is, but by people who go by what society think is right, what they think would work and ignoring what they actually want to do or say.

[jeffend888]

The majority of the time, this is the case.

There are exceptions, like in every situation, but this explanation covers most scenarios.

[TheGuyYouCrave]

There is such thing. So much for being a "Victor" And Mach to say the least. Its called ambiguity. False signals to illicit influence.

[boobliker]

O yes there is, it very hard to see things some times I have been court out on them

[OddBeMe]

Well…humans mix up our own individual signals. So I’d disagree.

[Peter_Penetrator]

We have a Prince among us.

[syncheart]

I guess I'm just not an interesting person.

[Nemesis2k7]

yes there is such a thing as mixed signals.

[VictorMachiavelli]

no there is no such things as mixed signals