Why is my boyfriend such a pushover?

[hlab3]

My boyfriene is too much of a pushover with me. He does things for me without any sort of backbone. And when i find out he doesn't want to so it, it's because i had to get it out of him. It makes me feel like i'm wasting my time, and his. I love it that he's nice and sweet, but i would appreciate if he tells me exactly what he wants and actually grow a backbone for once. He is capable of arguing with his friends, and tell them what he wants or doesn't want without having to waste their time. However, when he's with me, its like he doesn't have an opinion or something. I want him to stop acting like a pushover. He never seems to care what goes on, and if i'm mad about something, he just goes with it. He never argues with me, yet he does with his friends. I know this sounds crazy (i actually want my boyfriend to argue with me, be aggressive, etc), but it's annoying that i'm making the decisions for him, and i have to go out of my way for him. What should i do?

[Azara]

honesty. tell him you want him to be honest with you, otherwise there's no point in being in a relationship.

no point telling him you want him to be aggressive bc there's plenty of easy to be aggressive without being honest. you want the real him not the fake him- in w/e firm fake comes in. submissive or antagonistic you dont want that. you just want him to be honest.

only way you can know if yo should be together is iff you're honest with each other.

as for the black pot and black kettle going on here... why aren't you telling HIM all of this. being honest is the only way to get honesty in return.

you shouldn't be beating anything out of anyone. just tell him you want honesty and if he can't provide that, break up. without honesty there's no trust. without trust wtf are you guys doing in a 'relationship'

dont complain. just tell him calmly. then the balls in his court ands its your responsibility to act in your own interest if he does not or can not reciprocate. dump him.

he's not necessarily tearing to be nice he may just be lazy and doesn't like confrontation. if he's comfortable the way he is thwarts his personality and you can't change it.

you can't force people to change... you can just tell them what you want and hope that resides in them somewhere and if not you move on bc you're incompatible.

[kaylaS91]

Just tell him how you feel. Next time he puts himself at a disadvantage in some way and is a pushover in regards to you, just say 'baby, I really appreciate that you're letting me ___, but I think it's fair that you get to choose'.

Also, it takes two to tango. Try to take a step back from making decisions for him, and I'm sure he'll be more than able to handle things on his own. Perhaps you come off more controlling in a sense than you think, so to avoid any unnecessary conflicts he lets you take the reins. Try to let him call most of the shots for a few days and hopefully things will change for the better.

[MaskofInsanity]

You want him to tell you when he thinks your wrong, and challenge you. I don't think that's unreasonable. Noone wants a robot with no opinion.

You just need to tell him that. Ask. him why he's uncomfortable arguing with you and whatnot. Find the source of the problem.

[Mesonfielde]

yep, this is a much better and straight-to-the-point solution than what @BertMacklinFBI said.

[Nuns_in_Heat]

Why are you telling us? Go talk to your Boyfriend tell him something along the lines of "I know you just don't want to argue or have any unpleasantness between us. But you need to be honest and tell me how you really feel. Stop just taking it when I'm pissed or we're just discussing stuff and stand up for what you believe. Tell me what's going on in your head instead of just going with the flow."

All I would say is that he may just agree with you on a lot of things. Maybe he's just a guy who can step back and take a look at himself and comes to the conclusion that you're right a lot. Not so much a pushover just someone who's capable of seeing his own flaws.

Either way. Go talk to him. Come in peace and just sit down and talk about it!

-Good Luck! :)

[TheStaff_Sergeant]

With you, he is insecure and thus indecisive and submissive. Simply put, he is of the belief that he does not measure up to you and cannot stand up to you. And, giving you what you want will satisfy you and keep you around. He fails to realize that by being submissive and catering, he is losing your respect and interest and, as a consequence, the relationship is doomed if he fails to change.

[hlab3]

This is exactly what I mean. Thank you.

[MothMonsterMan]

You really can't please women can you? This kind of attitude pisses me off. Women complain there's no nice guys, and their boyfriends don't do ENOUGH for them, and here you are with one that seems nice , does what you want and you STILL complain and insult him by calling him a "push over". Be grateful you have a boyfriend who cares about you enough to do what you want without question, and is willing to sacrifice things in order to do so. If you don't like that, get one of these douchebags who treat their girl's like shit and maybe does more than "stand up to you" by knocking your ass across the room with his fist.

[MaskofInsanity]

Girls want GOOD guys - men of strong character and principles. "Nice" guys don't win because noone wants a docile, compliant partner.

[MothMonsterMan]

Right, and when he stands up to you, you'll bitch about how you're a strong woman and no one tells you what to do. Because he DOESN'T fight back or argue with you speaks, that VOLUMES of his character and principles. It means he's tough enough to treat a lady with class, and respect your opinion enough to do what you ask of him even if he may not agree. That's a sign of respect there, not a "push over".

If you don't like the man, leave him. Find you some other douchebag asshole who'll argue and stand up to you over anything, and you'll look back 20 years from now and realize the mistake you made.

[hlab3]

I'm just simply want my guy to stand up for himself, and make his own decisions. It's respect when he tells me what is on his mind than going with something he does not want.

[Theguyoverthere]

Not having an opinion I can understand as you'll never know if he's really being honest with you but I don't think the desire to argue is really healthy.

I've dealt with an arguing girlfriend before and the added stress she was giving me made me just break up with her especially due to her irrational behavior. I'm hoping you're looking for a balance with this and for him to just be honest when you say something and he doesn't like it.

I can see you not wanting to be "Yes"ed to death about things but overall, if you're mad about something and going with it he's letting you vent which is very good and it means he's understanding your point of view.

I'm not sure what you're referring to with making decisions but I'm guessing maybe on dates or something, if you feel like he's a dud who just says "whatever" then he's probably just not your type.

[heavensgift2girls]

That is what young boys are being taught. Anytime a guy stands up to a woman he is viewed as an asshole by society. This is where the belief that girls don't like nice guys comes from.

Explain to him what you expect from him, and let him know that not standing up for himself is making you lose respect for him. He needs to know he can argue with you, and not be an asshole, or lose you as a result.

[ESPNforever]

You should leave him. He seems very submissive and you seem like a regular chick. If you were the dom type, he would be perfect for you. You just wants him to be a man for you. He doesn't know how and you are starting to lose respect. You will eventually lose interest and by the time this happens it is usually too late reconciliation.

[Mesonfielde]

dafuq

[Azara]

ugh.. OK so if it was reversed and she was being a 'push over' not voicing herself. would you say thats good bc she's a regular chick?

or would you say she should be a something or other. I'm guessing you wouldn't say she should be a 'man'.. so what should she be.

there is an intractable problem when you label traits of strength dignity integrity self respect sand communication skills as belonging to a gender. its fucked up.

[ESPNforever]

Azara... I'm glad you asked. I am not biased at all. If a man were asking this I would be shocked that he didn't already know the answer. Women can control their emotions & hormones more than men. Women can get bored with a man and try to work out the problem. In her case, telling her man he is a softy would be hurtful, but she is willing to to preserve the relationship. Men won't attempt to hurt a woman's feelings at all cost, so if he gets bored with a softy chick then it is only a matter of time. It is best he leave and prevent further hurt by cheating.

Now if she was the softy asking, I would tell her to find a man who can love her for her. Of course people will say conversation will matter but in this case, you can't make someone be tougher. You can't make someone be more assertive, vocal, unless they want to be. Same for a softy guy.

[Mesonfielde]

My guess is that your boyfriend rather avoids conflicts with you because being prissy at each other and angry at each other and going against your wishes would endanger the relationship, so he'd rather just go along with whatever you say rather than risk the relationship falling apart. I guess the solution is that instead of being an angry mad bitch about things and yell at him, you should rather genuinely inquire him about his opinion.

[BertMacklinFBI]

I don't think you want him to argue and be more aggressive, you just want him to be a man. wear the damn pants in the relationship. you can tell him to be the man or politely tell him he has to step it up because his attitude and energy around you is really a huge turn off. tell him you want to be with a man "manly man" or whatever you wanna call it.

[Mesonfielde]

"tell him you want to be with a man "manly man" or whatever you wanna call it."

If anyone told me that I'd break up with them for being idiots.

[BertMacklinFBI]

@Mesonfielde thats your thing bruh hahaa :D

[Mesonfielde]

The only time I've ever heard someone break up with their boyfriend for "not being manly enough" or it was something like "next to you I don't feel like a woman" or whatever was someone with a completely broken self-esteem and anorexia, with mood swings and depression. Those people are either stupid or insane. And sexist. No point in dating someone like that.

[BertMacklinFBI]

@Mesonfielde if that were the case i might agree too but i never mentioned breaking up over it lol

[Mesonfielde]

It's a red flag like smoking cigarettes or drinking alcohol to oblivion every weekend, or punching you in the face for no apparent reason. Or liking Twilight. It's one of those very bad signs that you're like... no I don't think I want to take this risk.

[Azara]

so if she was being a push over that'd be ok bc she's not a man.. or do you have a catchy term for when a woman is not standing up for herself. she should be a " what" ?

[BertMacklinFBI]

@Azara i honestly think everyone is misinterpreting my post lol hahaa :D

[Azara]

I come in peace... I'm genuinely curious. I what would you say to a woman who was behaving the way she was :)

[BertMacklinFBI]

@Azara hahaa well okies what i basically meant in my original post: if the Asker is bothered by the attitude of her BF then she should address the issues at hand and see if anything can be worked out :D she can explain to her BF what she is kind of looking for. and what is turning her off in the relationship.

[Azara]

lol thanks burt i mean, like if he should 'be a man' to solve the problem of him being a push over...

how would the problem be solved if SHE was being a push over.. telling her to be a man wouldn't cut it bc she's a woman.

[BertMacklinFBI]

@Azara but i never suggested that. thats where im saying people are misinterpreting me. wait unless you're asking me from your point of view?

[Azara]

@you just want him to be a man. wear the damn pants in the relationship.

lol ok well can we agree you _said_ it... but it was not what you were referring to ;-)

[BertMacklinFBI]

@Azara hahaa where there is a period it should've been a comma :D then my sentence would make much more sense :D ^-^!

[Azara]

ok ;-)

[Vesuvius87]

And yet here I am wanting a drama free relationship. If there is something I don't want is a man arguing with me on everything. I hate arguments.

[Mesonfielde]

The guy doesn't want to argue. The female aka the Asker here does.

[Vesuvius87]

Yeah the contradictions in life. I want what these women keep complaining about (Oh why doesn't he challenge me in arguments, oh why can't be a bit on the wild side, etc) and I never got my chance to meet a guy like that; my previous and only relationship was nothing but drama after a while and I broke it off for that reason... yet they have that guy and don't want him? What's wrong with this picture?

[Anonymous]

Okay... now that you got that off your chest... Go tell him what you just wrote right here. You may want him to do it on his own, but sometimes he just needs that push because he believes what he is doing now is what is keeping you guys together. Tell him that you want him to stand up for himself and make decisions for himself like he does with his friends. If he doesn't after you tell him, then you should consider dumping the jellyfish.

[yaddayaddayadda02]

You'll eventually lose your attraction to him and break up. Not much you can do. I wish guys could read this and learn the lesson you're teaching.

[Mesonfielde]

... right, because reasonable communication cannot solve anything.
okay

[rjroy3]

I mean, other than telling him that it's ok for him to disagree with you on things and that you want him to voice his opinion. That you don't want to HAVE to pull it out of him. Not much else you can do. Talk to him and tell him how you feel.

[VanillaSalt]

I've done what ure mentioning the pushover as well as the arguing back part... there's a very hard to reach balance between the 2

talk to him about it tell him what u typed here... simple right

[Anonymous]

That's how most men are these days. Thank feminism. If you want a man who's not been raised to be that way you need a man born in the 1940's or earlier lol

[BertMacklinFBI]

hahaa :D

[Azara]

you think his behavior is appropriate for a woman.. you want a woman you can walk all over? that would make you a perfect 1950s man. congrats.

[Opinion Owner]

I seriously doubt you know anything about the 1950s.

[DanyPiano]

Don't lose hope yet. A lot of guys are afraid to stand up to a girl because they will be deemed an asshole. Tell him your problem and try to work things out.

[Crazyced]

This text should be shown to every boys of every schools of this continent.

[Anonymous]

So what you're saying is that you want him to man up.

Gotta love hypocritical women.

[Anonymous]

You need a more manly man who will smack you around a bit and put you in your place.

[Anonymous]

One day he will beat the shit out of you and hopefully you will be happy
I'm jealous already

[hlab3]

Nice sarcasm, idiot. You arr clearly missing the point. If you're gunna say something stupid, please refrain from commenting.

[hlab3]

Are*

[Opinion Owner]

I'm just stating my opinion idiot

[Opinion Owner]

I'm not the one taking my bf for granted though

[hlab3]

There goes another stupid comment. Please clarify how the hell I'm taking advantage.

[Mesonfielde]

Nononono, she'll break up with him for "not being masculine enough", start dating some insane psycho who she'll marry in 2 months, then she'll be beaten every 4th day but will always forgive her boyfriend because he's a real man and this is just a phase and she'll be "happy"

[Anonymous]

Never pick fights, that's called, being a troll