Boyfriends mom competing with me?

[Anonymous]

This is kind of a weird situation I'm in and I would like some advice in how to handle it please. My guy and I have been dating about 2.5 years now we are both in our mid twenties and we live together in a cute little apartment. Every time we go to his mom's for dinner which is just about every Sunday and I happen to mention to her a new food I'm going to they to cook for Ben or something like that the next time we are over she has the same exact food I was describing prepared. Or like on his day I was making conversation with his mom when he left for a fire call and I was trying to bond with her and I mentioned that I was going to make him a bday cake this year since I never done it before. Low and behold when we go over for his bday she has the same friggin type of cake to a T prepared. She did the same thinf last year with Christmas gifts I mentioned I was going to get him a nice new wallet and then well you guessed it she went out and bought it for him. I think she is a little jealous that I am starting to become to main women in his life and Im aware I probably sound paranoid and crazy when I say that to you guys. I swear though its just about every time I mention something I'm going to do for him or buy for him that this happens. I know that the easy solution is to stop telling her but I don't want it to have to come down to that because she is really sweet in all other areas. Obviously my bf is definitely a topic that we both have in common Lol because we both love him equally. Differently obviously but equally. What do I do? I feel like I'm going to hold back my resentment so long that one day I may explode and I will end up saying something I regret.

[truthbeknown]

Yep, I hear you there. His mom is totally jealous and probably somewhat threatened that you are taking away "her baby". She has been his primary care giver since he was born and some moms just have a hard time passing the torch. She is doing everything and anything she can to make sure she still feels significant, important and needed. She is trying to out-do what you do like it is some kind of competition. By her actions she is basically saying that she feels like her son doesn't need her anymore. The thing to do here is to continue to reassure her that she is certainly loved and needed just as much. I would say if your planning to do something special or get something special for your bf to just keep that to yourself. At the same time you both still need to keep up appearances that she is still important and needed in your life. Spending time and talking to her is great. Ask her for advice, help, cooking recipes. You two can certainly bond. It doesn't have to be a competition. Let her feel like she is genuinely helping. Let her have her moments, and you have yours, but separately to avoid hurt feelings.

[Asker]

Yeah maybe subconsciously I haven't been totally innocent myself either. I sometimes wonder in the back of my mind if I have been making the cake and or the dinner to one up her. I really like your idea of asking for good recipes she may know or even just by bonding over her son by asking what his interests were when he was younger. That way we can both avoid the competition aspect of it.

[Dalelee]

Sounds like she is jealous of the fact that you are now turning into the woman of his life now and his mum can't handle the fact but say a different gift and use a secondary gift idea and tell him mum that instead

[luvstoned4him]

Some moms just hate the idea of losing there sons to another woman as well as she probably heard great things about you from him and she might be a tad jealous but its nothing too serious from the sound of things. Yes, not telling your plans would be a good start.. There is only 2 things I would do every do in a situation such as this ...

1. I would mention something , for e, g for his bday , you could say am gonna get him icecream. but then you show up with a fantastic cake or pie and she looks sorta puzzled or silly (an evil move I know)... OR

2. You could tell her an idea... for e, g like am gonna make a special pie , potroast etc , but I need some help. Could you come over and help me.. that way you would be working with her and not against and there would be like a special bond.

Dont really have much experience with Mother in Laws so All the best still.

[LadyKK]

Honestly, I really know how you feel... I haven't gone through exactly what you have but I know how it feels when one feels that one is competing with the boyfriends mom...
To me it sounds like she is definitely jealous!
She has been the object of his affecting for the first years of his life and now that another woman is who he is devoting most of his attention to is not her she feels threatened like some mothers do...
Have you tried telling your boyfriend how you feel? Or explained to him why he is constantly receiving duplicate gifts?

[MissEM89]

I'd take it as a compliment, she obviously thinks highly of your ideas, buy I'd probably stop telling her your main stuff and suggest your second option, for gifts etc. The food thing, I don't know, I think that's maybe her trying to connect with you. Like you mention a type of food/meal so she thinks she will make it for you and her son, rather than try out do you.

[Asker]

Yeah no more telling her the main stuff lol. I never thought if it like that before maybe she sees it as us 3 binding since if she knows I'm going to cook the food I must like it. Thanks!

[Asker]

Bonding*

[willow74]

Don't resent her for it. She loves him and is obviously trying her hardest to keep him "in the nest." Imagine if you had a son, you'd be sad to see him grow up, too.
Just stop mentioning little things you're planning :) she'll have nothing to go off of & will be forced to be original.

[Asker]

I understand that but eventually kids grow up. She can keep him in the nest by cooking foods she comes up with. I mean she hadmd been buying him gifts and cooking for him without my ideas for years so why take mine? She is his mom there is an unconditional love there for her where she could buy him a chewed up shoe for Christmas and feed him the worse food on the earth and he will still love her. As his gf it is harder for me because that unconditional love isn't there I have to work harder to make the relationship work.

[Angelbug]

My boyfriends mom does the same and I hate it. Or anytime we go do something like travel and I post pictures she posts a “throw back” of her own with him that’s similar to the pictures of he and I. And all of his PIN numbers and passwords are her birthday...