My boyfriend left me for someone else, because of my past?

I was in a physically/mentally abusive relationship for two years, choked until I would lose consciousness and he would laugh at me, slapped me, hit me until the point of bruises..
I recently left him in August, and met a man a few weeks later, we exchanged numbers, talked.. Fell for each other and started hanging out, he had seen my bruises and asked for my story, so I told him. We were "exclusive" through September, because I wasn't ready to date yet, I told him physically my ex was out of my life but mentally I was still damaged, I did not want to have sex and I would flinch every time a hand was even raised just to touch my cheek.. Mid October I went back to my ex, he had asked to see me to "talk" and ended up turning me around and we had sex, I did not say yes, I just kind of let it happen.. Because every time I would say no to him he would scream at me, or get mad at me.. And I didn't want him to be mad with me.. I told the guy I was seeing the day after what had happened, and he broke down and cried, I asked him if he wanted me to leave he said no, He told me he loved me, and even though it's going to be hard this is what he wanted, me. So we did, two months passed I couldn't tell him I loved him back, I felt disgusted with what I had done, we went to concerts, hockey games, dinners after that happened.. I went on vacation in December and came back the 26th, we emailed everyday... on the 28th he told me "I am in awe with how amazing things are" we made love the 29th.. spent new years together, January 1st he drove me home after I slept over after I waited for him to finish work and pick me up from a friends ( I left the bar he worked at because he only finished at 6 am), I spent all day with him, he said he had a "vivid nightmare" about my ex, drove me home and broke up with me.. January 15th he's dating someone he's been talking too since the 26th, which he denied having any interest in when we first broke up..

Throughout January I cried to him, he picked me up a few times to talk and I told him again, how it was an abusive relationship.. those aren't things you just come out of completely okay, I was scared he would hurt me again, I didn't even say yes to him, I just went by what I had always known.. and that I loved him and I was sorry I didn't say it earlier but I just couldn't, I was scared, and he replied with "if you would of said all of that sooner it would of made a difference"
After the break up he texted me every day, saying he was still thinking about us, continuously asking me how I was, promised me he would always be here for me and once they started dating he hasn't talked to me once..


Most Helpful Guy

  • That sucks. All over sucks. The abusive relationship, the rape, the new boyfriend who wasn't up for staying with you (to be fair, that's okay... it still sux), and then his disappearing (he's busy :p I suppose)

    So. Abusive relationships and rape cause a lot of mental trauma, and mental trauma leaves scars that take a long time to heal. It might be *years* before you're able to have a normal relationship without having flashbacks. I don't say this to say your life is fucked for ever, but so you can keep your eyes open for what's going on, and can recognize reactions from your history.

    There are some things you can do:
    1st. Go easy on trying to date someone new - you've got a lot of potential for unhealthy interaction. If you do date someone new, don't get too close to him too quickly (you don't want to smother him in your trauma or make him your sole support) and you want to make damn sure to run him by friends whose judgement you trust - you do NOT want a repeat of your 1st boyfriend. Then listen to them if they say "no."
    2nd. Do what you can to have a strong friend network. Be social. Get to know people. Spend time with them. The emotional support will be invaluable, and the more people you know, the better chance someone is free if you suddenly need to get out of the house, talk to someone, etc.
    3rd. Therapy. Find a therapist. Talk to a therapist. Just like a PT can help heal physical trauma, a mental therapist (emotional therapist?) can help with the trauma you've gone through. If you find you can't connect, try a different one. Totally totally worth it - definintely helped an old gf of mine (if she'd started earlier or we'd been less close less quickly, we might have stayed together)
    4th. Don't blame yourself. You've been through hell and back, and it's not like you would have chosen that at the beginning.

    You're not crazy, you're not hopeless, you're not worthless (hey, guys are still seeing good things in you, right?), and thing will get better.

    • This is a winner great comment. Very wise words.

    • Agreed. Thanks so much, and to everyone else who didn't judge me right away. Honestly tears of joy go out to you all...

Have an opinion?

What Guys Said 8

  • Hello there.
    Please excuse me if I rough or insensitive with my words. I will try to say things in an objective manner as to assist you. It is not to be a jerk.
    Based on the background you have painted, I can say that truly it would be difficult for someone to take this all in. To care for someone, to know they had such awful experiences, to see the affects of it on her as you lift your hand to caress her cheek, to know that an "event" had occurred again, and so many other things that I assume you would display during the relationship which was altered because of your past. It's very difficult to bear all that and have feelings for that person.
    It's a lot of weight on one's conscious to have feelings for someone that has had such experiences and display their after effects, specially to the point of haunting one's self at night.
    Not to be insensitive, but the issue seems to point to one direction. It is not an easy task by any means, and it might not be thoroughly possible, but you will need to detach yourself from that past of yours since it seemed to have been the main issue during the relationship. I do hope your first Ex has no way of communication with you, and if he does that you don't answer it again, or make a court order or something to avoid him by all means necessary, since he is a rather big problem. You weren't quite ready for a relationship, but I think it has proven invaluable experience towards becoming so, and being able to be more open. Don't concentrate on the past, but learn with the present.
    Personally, I find this all to be very unfortunate. However, I haven't come here to bestow pity, and I don't think that would be very reassuring or respectful to do so. I can't really relate nor comfort you but I do hope things are better and will get better.

    • Also, I suggest you don't take in some of these comments or opinions as a whole, but filter out the negativity in them and focus on the constructive. I've noticed some are simply shaming you, or your Ex, and that doesn't help at all. The focus of this is to help you, the current you, and not shame for what has happened.

  • The problem here is that you were not ready to enter another relationship while still bearing the open wounds from your previous relationship. You went back to your ex to talk and that shows the person you are 'seeing' that you are not ready for another relationship. You need to spend time on your processing what has happened and repairing yourself so that when someone comes along you are emotionally and mentally ready to commit that person and there is no 'baggage' being brought into a new relationship from the previous one.

    He also has to take some responsibility because if he was filling your head with false hope while talking to another girl and no doubt making a move on her then he has played you and that is not okay.

    Did he leave you? I would argue that you were never in a relationship with each other and so he has not left you because he was never your man in the first place and if he was to be your man then I think you going back to your ex killed any chance of him ever being your man and he no doubt met this girl, liked her and jumped into a relationship with her.

    • I forgot to mention, after it happened, we started dating in November.

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    • Definitely, I've been crying since the day we broke up, every morning every night. I'm pretty sure I sent myself into a spiralling depression, and I really don't know how to go about getting out of it, I've just been letting myself be sad and taking it by day.. but it gets tiring.

    • You have been through a lot, so it is understandable but you must take each day as it comes. Do not worry about your exes, just focus on fixing what is broken and you will come out of this alright.

  • What you are doing is very wrong, why are you starting a new relationship, when you haven't healed from a bad abusive relationship. Its quite clear, from the signs you just not ready for another relationship just yet.

    I am telling you now, don't even consider dating until you have gone through the proper channels of healing yourself, maybe also consider seeing a councellor for help.

    I am sorry to say this, no man in his right mind will want to be a relationship with you, its not their responsiliablity to help you with your emotional baggage. I am not saying your undatable, or will ever be able to date again.

    I am thinking your looking for another man for all the wrong reasons, instead of the right reasons. I think your looking for a another man to help you get over your past relationship, but in reality, its not going to happen.

    I suggest you have time out, and focus on yourself, and focus on healing yourself, before you even consider dating again.

    • I wanted a time out, I told the guy I was seeing that. It's just the fact that he pushed and pushed and told me he wanted to help me and he wanted me to let him fix me, so we could be better for each other, and he made me open up to him to just shut me down, I understand what I did was wrong.. But he was the one that after it happened wanted to continue, to just turn around and say it was all my fault, and he didn't want to be with someone that had so many problems.. when he willingly wanted to fix me, I understand he just jumped ship when he realized it was too much and I broke his trust, it just hurts.

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    • If you keep on dating while your in this state of mind, from your past relationship. You will keep pushing good men away from you again and again. In turn, it will just destroy your confidence in yourself and in men. You will just end up a lost cause.

      I suggest you think very carefully what you do from here. because from the sounds of it, you are going to be a ship wreck very soon. I really do recommend you focus on healing yourself, and then once you feel, you are over your past, and feel you have healed. Then go back dating.

    • Will just take it as a lesson learnt. and start focusing on yourself now, and healing yourself. Stop dating, until you have healed and your fully recovered from your past.

  • People here are very ignorant man smh , your ex shouldn't have tried to be Mr. Fix it after all you told him he thought it would be easy to be with someone like you. If he really cared he would've stuck it through. Your other ex abused you mentally and physically then basically forced his way with you and your current bf at the time couldn't understand you had flashbacks and maybe froze. Then he said he was ok but told another girl you cheated on him if he felt that way he should have spoken up. i don't think it was smart to see the abusive ex but that doesn't mean it was ok for what he did so I say you work on yourself be happy work on yourself it's gonna be hard but everything will fail into place

  • He didn't leave because of your past.
    he left because you cheated on him

    • I meant it because of what I did, and how two months passed after it happened and everything was fine..

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    • We were "exclusive" through September"
      "Mid October I went back to my ex,"
      That's when she slept with her ex again.

      I doubt exclusively only lasts a month, thus when she went back to her ex to "talk" she was still in a relationship
      and thusly cheating :/

    • Understood, I find the terms dating, exclusivity are used interchangeably by people and will mean different things to different people.

  • didn't seem a man of his word, maybe he got scared, or his friends talked him out of it.

  • Your a coward I know men are strong but you have to use your brain and defend yourself. From the beginning you should've never talk to him its basically common sense. Smh and you let him?

    • I'm not in any shape or form not taking the blame for what I did, I feel horrible about it.. It just hurts that my ex now, after I told him what I've experienced left me and blamed everything on me and jumped into another relationship, when after I cheated he wanted to "fix me and us" and "he could see himself with me 5 years from now" and all of these amazing words, and all of the things we did together even after it happened. to just turn around and jump into a relationship with someone else and completely blame the break up on me

    • You should've never fucked around from the beginning. Lesson learned move on...

  • your an ass

    • You're* illiterate.
      Going anon and insulting someone, how very cool.

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    • i can't no more you win you are superior English lmao

    • "i can't no more you win"
      Was that even English?
      See a little comma there would have made you seem at least smarter than a spoon. :3

What Girls Said 2

  • If you really loved you, you didn't left you because of these. He was use as an excuse. You shouldn't sad and you should forget him.

  • Not because of anything you did or didn't do but because he was over it and he's just using that as an excuse