Boyfriend changed his mind about moving in together. Does it mean he's no longer serious about me?

[anony84]

We are both 30, been dating 8 months, and spend 6 out of 7 days together. We get along well - we do fight but both talk and work it out.

He was the one who suggested moving in together when his lease ends this month. I warmed up to the idea and we discussed necessary details. This isn't two kids jumping blindly into it.

We had a fight this weekend and yesterday he decided to renew his lease for another 6 months. I told him I am disappointed, that it hurts my feelings because I was looking forward to it and asked why he changed his mind. He said (verbatim) "it's because we fought." I told him every couple fights and if he's waiting until we never fight again, then it's probably not going to happen.

i understand that people change their minds and no one can or should him to live with me. But it upsets me because it means he CHOSE not to move the relationship forward and that indicates he no longer sees me as long-term, right? It shouldn't be an independence thjng on his part because he has lived with two other long-term ex's before and he was the one who wanted this in the first place.

[emmabee11]

I think he's just acting like a child and because he said "it's because we fought" he's some how blaming all of it on you and that some how the arguments are your fault... since clearly he feels he gets THAT annoyed at you lol how long have you been dating?, i honestly would ask him if he thinks the arguments are some how 100% your fault? when it takes 2 to tango... he's just acting really 1 sided... your willing to move along and get over the fights but he's holding a grudge over it... definitely childish.

[meesh1220]

Sounds like he's got cold feet because you guys had a fight. That's an immature excuse. Couples fight. Period. If he wants a "perfect" relationship where there's no squabbles, tell him to go buy a blow up doll. Lol.

[anony84]

That's why Im upset :). It doesn't make sense to say it was because of a fight - that just sounds like an excuse rather than a reason. And it's why I'm worried the real reason is because he just doesn't WANT to because he doesn't want to move this relationship forward.

[meesh1220]

I's be upset too. Just let him be, take care of YOU. He's obviously not in this with you 100%. Don't let him slow you down.. It's not supposed to be this hard. Stay strong and move forward.

[meesh1220]

If the reason is because of a fight, what's it gonna be like when you're living together and you guys have disagreements? He sounds way too unstable to take it to that level. A real man who's dedicated and truly loves you will get through it with you instead of running away.

[anony84]

Thank you :) im leaving him alone - didn't say break up, not fighting but not trying anymore. It's interesting how the guys who posted opinions here said its not a big deal and seem to back his "it's because we fought" reason/excuse. Maybe they're right but I feel what I feel. And he's basically made the woman he says he "loves very much" hurt and less invested in this relationship.

[meesh1220]

Good girl. :)
Eh nevermind what they said, you're the one who's in this so you know more than us strangers do lol
But listen to your gut, every time. If it doesn't feel right, it probably isn't. Sometimes it's all about timing. If it's meant to be it'll be, but it has to take two people to get there, not just one. Good luck. xo

[DodgersGM]

It sounds like he made a rash decision because of the fight. It's unfortunate, because that rash decision has some fairly long-term (six month) consequences.

He didn't discuss the possibility that he'd extend his lease with you? He just went ahead and did it?

[anony84]

We made up the day after the fight but understandably things were a little awkward. We did talk about it and I asked if he was going to renew his lease since it was month end. He said he wasn't sure and asked if I understood what position he would be in if we move in together and we fight like that again. I said of course I undertand and I do - he would be moving in with me and therefore if we break up, he would be out of a place to stay. I said it is up to him to decide. Later that night I found out his decision was to renew for 6 months. So it doesn't sound like a rash decision - sounds like he thought about it all day after talking to me and decided. Does it mean he is no longer serious about me?

[anony84]

Not serious was a bad way to put it. I mean "less committed". Deliberately keeping our lives separate and at status quo rather than choosing to progress is what scares me.

[DodgersGM]

Oh, ok. Well at least he talked to you about it before renewing.

As for what he's thinking, it's hard to be sure. What's certain is this: his lease renewal is an obvious sign that the relationship needs some type of work before it can move forward.

You definitely need to talk to him about it. See what he's thinking, see what he wants.

Do you guys fight like all the time? Or does one of you fight dirty?

[DodgersGM]

What was this last fight about?

[anony84]

I have a bad habit of yelling break up during fights but have stopped doing that after he said it is hurtful. Thjngs were good for the past couple months and he was looking forward to living together as far as I could tell - we were picking out furniture and renovating the basement into a man cave for him. The fight last weekend was because I saw him adding a bunch of women on facebook. Not a big deal I know but in my defence, my ex cheated on me repeatedly and this was exactly how I found out about it - him adding women he met online on dating sites but calling them his "friends" when his messages proved otherwise. And no I wasn't snooping last weekend - the bf wss right next to me and didn't care if I looked at his phone. Anyway Lon story short I got upset and scared and mad etc and ended up in a fight accusing him of cheating and lying. Crazy bitch I know but after we made up, I explained about the ex and why it upset me so much.

[anony84]

i went with him today to give his post dated rent to his landlord and mentioned again that I am hurt because it makes me feel like he doesn't want to be with me. He said he does want to live with me but I pointed out that obviously he doesn't because he decided not to. Again he said its because we fought. He can repeat that 100 times but my answer will still be "couples fight - you can't bail or stop the relationship just Cuz of a fight."

[DodgersGM]

Okay, I'm just being honest here: that would scare a LOT of guys. It's really difficult when your partner punishes you for past crimes, especially when it's their ex committed them. And fearing that every time you fight, you might break up? That sounds incredibly stressful.

It sounds like you guys need to build healthier communication habits in your relationship. Good communication is just as important during fights as it is during the good times, if not more so.

Fights are gonna happen, yeah, but how you argue/fight is SO important.

[DodgersGM]

*their ex that committed them

[anony84]

I know - he keeps telling me to just yell at him if I'm angry instead of holding it in and THEN exploding. I'm working on it but him bailing on me doesn't help - it just makes me feel unloved to the point where I'm now online asking strangers for help :). I undertand that you said its hard to know what he's thinking but wouldn't consciously taking a step back basically mean he's not as committed to me anymore? I mean, what if we fight 6 months from now when his lease is up again and we (hopefully) are reconsidering living together? Am I supposed to expect him change his mind yet again just because we happen to fight around that time?

[DodgersGM]

Haha, I totally understand. It's not ALL on you. Relationships are a two way street, as you well know.

I would advise you to sit down with him. See if you can both put your egos aside, and have a discussion about why he renewed his lease, and how he feels about things going forward.

What would he like to see improve? What would you like to see improve? Are you both willing and wanting to work on it? How can you guys fight and argue in a more constructive manner?

Discuss how you can improve by fighting more civilly, and he can improve by not withdrawing after a fight.

[DodgersGM]

I wouldn't take it as a sign that he's not as committed. I'd see it more like, he saw something that needed some work before he was comfortable being even more committed to you. Does that make sense?

[anony84]

Yes it makes sense and is actually a much more reassuring way of viewing it :). I guess the fact that we are still together should be reassuring in and of itself. We are not good at communicating lol - I hold thjngs in and blow up while he always says nothing's wrong and withdraws. Withdrawing makes me feel like he doesn't give a crap, which just makes me angrier.

Anyway thank you so much for all your time and help! I really do appreciate it!

[anony84]

I think a large part of why I'm so upset about it is because he's lived with 2 exs before and both times they moved in together in less time than we have been dating. I know you can't compare relationships but it makes me feel like he's less serious about me since he's now delaying it even more. Anyway enough moaning lol

[DodgersGM]

You're totally welcome! I hope it helped some.

Basically ALL romantic relationships could have better communication, so it's not like you guys doomed or anything. You just gotta both work on it. :)

[DodgersGM]

And yeah, don't compare relationships! LOL

Those exes he moved in with, they weren't right for him. Maybe you are/will be?

Good luck. :)

[Ihav2fart]

media.giphy.com/media/QDDnQybLTHPC8/giphy.gif
Thats why!

He's questioning it cause of the argument.

[anony84]

Yes I heard what he said. But everyone fights and we made up. What - is he waiting for a day that we never ever fight again? Or if we fight once in the future he will move out?

[Ihav2fart]

It was probably a spur of the moment that he renewed that lease. It doesn't mean he isn't going to take you seriously.

[anony84]

I see. I'm glad that he's willing to disregard our plans and my feelings just for a spur of a moment decision. Thanks for the advice.

[Ihav2fart]

Some people do before they think. I type before I think hence my derp moment. s

[Ihav2fart]

see... moments*

[anony84]

No no I meant the thanks sincerely. It comes across a little cold in writing.

[Ihav2fart]

It doesn't bother me and you're welcome.

I fulfilled my helpfulness for today! Back to being a nuisance!

[anony84]

Sorry I didn't want to post another question but it doesn't necessarily mean that he's less committed to me, right? He may wish to live together some day in the future?

[Ihav2fart]

im sure he would, he's probably just over thinking as well

[Prof_Don]

Doesn't make sense to move in with a girl he just had a fight with. Stop over analyzing and believe what he said.

Nothing wrong with playing it safe when it comes to contractual agreements such as leasing.

[anony84]

I see your point but it's not like he's moving in right away when we are just in that awkward "after fighting" stage. And he admitted he had the option of renewing his lease for shorter but decided to do 6 months.

[Prof_Don]

He is probably emotionally shaken up about the fight, and doesn't want to take that big step of moving in. If shit goes south he is bound to a lease with you.

Why do u seem so pushy about him moving in?

[anony84]

im not so concerned about the actual moving in part since it hadn't even occurred to me that we would until he suggested it a couple months ago. It's more that I'm hurt that it feels like he has now decided to not move the relationship forward (in the sense that he was the one who wanted to take the next step and now has clearly changed his mind). It makes me feel like he's changed his mind about the relationship itself.

[anony84]

About it being long term I mean. Obviously if he wanted to break up with me he would do it.

[rubifen]

Men DO NOT like drama. Period.
Thats why he changed his mind.

[anony84]

You mean fighting = drama? There is no couple that doesn't fight, even long term married ones. Bailing just Cuz of a fight is childish

[rubifen]

Bailing because of repeated fighting is the best move he can make.
Woman dont mind arguing, because you never stay on point or stick to the issue.
Everyone know that.
So to argue and arrive to no conclusion is beyond stressful.

[Brontosaurus]

Looks like he was right to renew his lease.

[anony84]

Meaning? I'm trying to see thjngs from his point of view but I'm also entitled to point out if it doesn't make sense. I would thjnk in a healthy relationship I should be able to say how I feel?

[Brontosaurus]

Meaning, if I were him and had to fight with you about this I'd want my own place to fall back on too, and that as you now seem to be doubting the relationship, your commitment -- quite independent of his -- doesn't seem like it's at the point where you should be giving up your separate living spaces just yet.

Feeling trapped ("If I don't let her have her way she's going to make my life miserable") is a guy's nightmare. I don't know the nature of your fights, but from a guy's standpoint "talking it out" can, in many relationships, mean "putting up with her BS until she decides she's done."

Either way, perhaps he's not as satisfied with how the conflict in your relationship has played out as you have been. And would you want to hear that if that were the truth? Or would you pull a "If that's how you feel then we should just break up?" in my opinion his decision is telling you that things were, maybe not bad, but not going quite as well as you had thought. Do you work it out or do you quit?

[anony84]

Fair comments and I really do appreciate you taking the time to write that much :).

He's the one who always wants to talk things out. Which is probably healthier than holding it in and I've been trying to adapt to that. I would hope that he's acrually listening to the things I say when we are "talking things through" since he's the one requesting it.

I don't know if things have patched up neatly after our recent fight. We didn't fight about this moving in issue since well, it wasn't an issue. Even as recently as last weekend we were picking furniture out together (and no, money is not a concern in our situation so I highly doubt he's backing out because of that). For him to do a 180 after a fight is what's shaken me. Especially since it's unrealistic to expect that we will never fight.

and no I haven't just thrown in the towel and broken up. But I'm not going to be invested if this sudden change of mind actually reveals that he's not similarly invested.