We have been dating 8 months and things feel pretty serious - I feel like we click on all levels.
After 6 months he told me he was at the point in the relationship where he often breaks up with someone, and when I asked him what he meant, he said he just meant it as an observation, that he still loves me and did not want to break up. We are both in our late 20s, and he said relationships for him tend to last either six months, or 3 years.
That was the only hiccup. Last week he was taking me on romantic dates (which is usual), raspberry picking and to a place in his hometown that is special to him.
I have been stressed out about moving to a new apartment and deciding if I should renew my lease or not, which got me to thinking about moving in together, so 3 nights ago I asked him if he would want to live together sometime in the next year but not immediately. He initially said yes, and then last night he said that he didn't want to move in and after talking for about a half hour he said he wanted to break up. When I asked him specifically why, he said that he is still in love with me, but when he thinks of our future (long-term, not immediate) he doesn't see it working. When I asked him if he was just scared of the future and of commitment he said he just sees himself in the future "feeling guilty and nervous," which I said sounds a lot like fear, which made him laugh (first light moment of the night).
My first instinct was to let him go because I don't like to try to convince people to change. But it just felt so wrong and rash to me that as he was leaving I stopped him and told him I thought he was making a horrible decision and he should change his mind. He thought about it for a moment and then agreed to stay the night (no funny business, mostly crying and hugging and some sleeping).
So over the next couple days he is going to think it over. What are my options here? Should I do or can I do anything? This morning before he left I told him that the future is whatever we want, so if he wants to leave he can, but if he wants to be with me and have it be good, we can work towards that.
Side note, we have never fought, not even last night. We have had disagreements, but we always discuss them calmly and come out better for it. We're both rather reasonable and level-headed and generally openly communicative.
After 6 months he told me he was at the point in the relationship where he often breaks up with someone, and when I asked him what he meant, he said he just meant it as an observation, that he still loves me and did not want to break up. We are both in our late 20s, and he said relationships for him tend to last either six months, or 3 years.
That was the only hiccup. Last week he was taking me on romantic dates (which is usual), raspberry picking and to a place in his hometown that is special to him.
I have been stressed out about moving to a new apartment and deciding if I should renew my lease or not, which got me to thinking about moving in together, so 3 nights ago I asked him if he would want to live together sometime in the next year but not immediately. He initially said yes, and then last night he said that he didn't want to move in and after talking for about a half hour he said he wanted to break up. When I asked him specifically why, he said that he is still in love with me, but when he thinks of our future (long-term, not immediate) he doesn't see it working. When I asked him if he was just scared of the future and of commitment he said he just sees himself in the future "feeling guilty and nervous," which I said sounds a lot like fear, which made him laugh (first light moment of the night).
My first instinct was to let him go because I don't like to try to convince people to change. But it just felt so wrong and rash to me that as he was leaving I stopped him and told him I thought he was making a horrible decision and he should change his mind. He thought about it for a moment and then agreed to stay the night (no funny business, mostly crying and hugging and some sleeping).
So over the next couple days he is going to think it over. What are my options here? Should I do or can I do anything? This morning before he left I told him that the future is whatever we want, so if he wants to leave he can, but if he wants to be with me and have it be good, we can work towards that.
Side note, we have never fought, not even last night. We have had disagreements, but we always discuss them calmly and come out better for it. We're both rather reasonable and level-headed and generally openly communicative.
Updates
+1 y
Also, he is going away for a week in two days to a place where his phone and internet won't work, so he's going to have time and space no matter what happens before then. I will probably see him tonight. I think it makes sense to talk to him about fear of commitment as madhatters4 suggested, but should I talk to him before he goes, or when he comes back?
Updates
+1 y
We have talked, and he doesn't want to break up. He says he realized he has been stressed out and that it isn't me, and he is going to take the week away and the space to figure out what is going on with him, and to miss me. He also really appreciated an email I sent him that said I don't need to move in with him, I just thought it was a good next step, but it isn't necessary if he isn't ready. I am sure there are more conversations ahead. Thank you all for your support.
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