My boyfriend asked me to marry him and changed his mind and took it back, what should I do?

Question

My boyfriend and me were out a walk and he asked me to marry him he got me a ring I started telling people, was looking at dresses and venues etc and we were both excited well so I thought and then the week later he told me he takes it back and he doesn't want to get engaged, he says it's a big commitment, he isn't ready, turns out he regretted it the day after he asked he said he doesn't know why he asked me, we have planned having kids next year and moving in at the end of the year? I just don't get it, has anyone got any thoughts on this, I've asked him about it and obviously I'm distraught but he just gets angry and shouts at me, I don't know what to do or what to think

nightdrot · Accepted Answer

Drop this gentleman - and I am being generous - immediately. Walk away and never ever speak to him again. No forgiveness. Nothing.

What he did is unspeakable, frankly, and you can see him for what he is. A spineless little coward who uses other people's feelings as playthings.

You ask what to do? Ask yourself, is this the kind of man - boy really - you want to rely on for the rest of your life. He gets nerves and then changes his mind. He jumps impulsively and then backs out. He treats your feelings as less important than his.

Do you want this for yourself? Would you want this for your children?

Forgive me, I am usually much more diplomatic than this, but this sad excuse for a man is beneath contempt. Just hearing your description - and I grant that it is only your side of the story - I have nothing but a seething disdain for this guy.

There are things a real gentleman does not do - and he did it. Run, do not walk, away from this guy. You learned a good lesson. Go into your next relationship eyes wide open about the kind of guy you are dealing with.

In the meantime, cut this guy off and never ever speak with him again. Do NOT accept an apology. Do NOT give him a second chance.

Count yourself lucky that you saw this guy for what he is. Spineless, feckless, a child in adult clothes.

djmzes · Accepted Answer

Simple
Both of you do not even know why you are getting married and have no clue about marriage contracts which is a heavy one. What the marriage expects from both of you in order to make it work ( sacrifice, efforts, commitment, not think just about you and what you want, rather what the relationship need in order to grow and survive by thinking commonly towars a common goal.

It takes not only a good sailor, but also a good boat in orser to thrive through the rough sea of marriages and its destructive waves of challenges.

Ask why you want to get married and why u choose him exactly and Weight on the answer if it is shallow or not.

Cuz if someone marries for thw wrong reason, there will be no right in the marriage.

My boyfriend asked me to marry him and changed his mind and took it back, what should I do?

BossesDaughter · Accepted Answer

He shuld have thought more into his decission to ask. Nobody forced him. If he loves you lik he tells you, he will be taking steps to make it work and try to take the sadness he caused you away. This is in no way your fault and in fact I feel that is a betrayal on his end. i dont know you, him, or your relationship. Just what you said here. But if he can do something like this, and take back a decission that life changing and important what else is he capable of? When you love someone its never simple. So I can't tell you ehats best fot you becuz only you have to live with your decisions. But I am going through a similar situation, and If I were you, I would leave him and reevaluate your life eith him. He needs to earn back the relationship privledges after doing something like this. Maybe he is confused. Maybe he is sorry or didn't mean this. he's entitled to his feelings. But he's also entitled to the consequences of his actions. He should not get angry at you in any way. You did NOTHING wrong! he's the one who asked. I would have to leave him and really step back and see if he is a person Id even want to be with.

newbie2015 · Accepted Answer

I have a different perspective then most. What exactly IS the difference between being engaged and being in a serious committed relationship? Ab so lute ly nothing!!! If you aren't dating other people you aren't more comitted being engaged. You dont have to live with one another just because you are engaged. In fact, many people are engaged for years and years and don't start planning for several years. I might respect him if he simply stated he didn't want to plan and just wanted to enjoy this engagement for a few year and not rush.

So basically I'm saying there is no difference in committment, unless he feels non engaged people can date others. I for one dont believe they should.

So basically the only things he's proven are his impulsiveness, his poor communication skills, his inability to follow through on committments and likely that he wants to see and be with other women. This doesn't sound like someone id want to date...

sa94aqtl · Accepted Answer

Is he just yelling whenever you bring the topic up?

How long have you been together?

So 20 and 25.

If he is willing to talk instead of yell I would talk about how you are both feeling and what happened. I would ask for some clarity as to why he thought he needed to do that and also what he thinks are more realistic goals.

What are your goals and what do you want your future to look like?

How old are both of your parents and grandparents? If they lived into their 90's then getting married in your 20's means 70 years together. That's a ridiculously long time.

Maybe spend some time developing your interests so when you do get married and have kids you don't loose the amazing person you really are because you run out of time to develop it at that point.

Wonderer89 · Accepted Answer

Tbh I’d be out. I get that you’re both young and it’s a huge and scary commitment - but he should have thought about that before proposing and *definitely* before you started talking about it with others. He initiated it, he brought a ring. If he can get that far into a life changing decision just to take it back shortly after then he isn’t reliable or careful with his or others emotions and for me that’s a deal breaker.
He could have come and discussed his fears with you rationally, and asked for a long engagement for the next few years but instead he’s taken things he’s promised back and left the future of your relationship and the evolution of his feelings so far completely up in the air

OlderAndWiser · Answer

That was an extremely insensitive thing for him to do, but better to now acknowledge it as a mistake rather than three years from now when you are married and have a child. What DOES he want now?

Nodice · Answer

Guys at 30 are scarred of marige, guys at 20 are TERRIFIED! He probably wants to keep you happy maybe even at the expense of his own comfort zone. Why you need to define what is when you already been together "quite a while". You are both young. Live and let life happen. If he gets angry he probably feels cornered. If the topic comes up again don't tell everyone. Marriage isn't for others to know it's for you guys do it alone, let the guy bee a guy and freak out a bit. Then if /when married celebrate with family later.

lumos · Answer

I'd break up with him. Seems like the kind of guy who's going to make hasty decisions that could very well affect your future negatively. This reflects poorly on his character, considering that proposing to someone is definitely not you do just on a whim, and not something you should be regretting the next day.
Also, the biggest dealbreaker in all of this is the fact that he doesn't even want to talk about it with you, and resorts to yelling and getting mad if you try to bring it up. I could maybe look past him regretting the proposal and possibly chalk it up to getting cold feet, but when you pair this with the fact that he won't even communicate with you, it just highlights his poor decision making skills and communication skills.
You're only 20, thankfully. You have plenty of time to find someone else, who wouldn't make such a poor decision and rip it away from you like that, and who is more open and honest when it comes to communicating.

madhatters4 · Answer

that's really messed up. it's not a huge deal not to want to get married but it's is really messed up to propose and then take it back. even more messed up not to have patience to discuss the matter with the person whose heart you broke

to me this reeks of selfishness and a lack of thoughtfulness (1. to think clearly about the decision to propose and 2. to think about the impact it would have on you and not be sensitive to it)

so what do you do. decide if you can be with him and unmarried. decide if you feel like he really is the person to be with (married or not) ... frankly i think you should seriously consider breaking up. again it isn't a big deal to not want to get married but his behavior and actions are classless, thoughtless, etc

Justacatlady · Answer

Him not wanting to be engaged doesn't mean he wants to end things. Personally, I feel that titles change a relationship. When you are dating things seem to be more carefree and fun, then you put on the title of boyfriend and girlfriend, things change. It becomes more serious. Not to say that it isn't still fun but it is now a committed relationship to that other person.
Next title is fiance. It again changes the relationship. This is no longer just a person you are in a relationship with, this is now the person you have chosen to be your life partner. The seriousness is intensified. It makes a person really think about their life and the choices they are making. It also changes the dynamic between the two of you.
Better that he told you now instead of waiting until things were bought and paid for. I suggest sitting down with him and having a good long talk about how you each feel about each other and the future and what makes you comfortable.

yucychan · Answer

I know what he did may seemed awful, but at least he is being upfront with you on it. It's even worse if both of you were married and then he decided he's not ready and wants to leave.
Is he always like that? Act on the spur of the moment then regret it later?
Both of you need better communication and to know what you really want from this relationship.
He is definitely right in saying that marriage is a very big commitment. Which is why he should have given better thought to it, rather then popping the question and then regretting it later.
Him being angry and shouting at you when you bring it up to him won't solve the issue. Of course you would be distraught, you told people that you both were getting married, how to take that back. You at 20 and him at 25 are still relatively young, you both have lots of time to think about it. After this fiasco, you have to ask yourself is he really the right one? Would this repeat itself in the future?

SwagsMcBags · Answer

Honey, he doesn't want to commit to you because he isn't in love with you. A marriage proposal means acknowledgemet that you want to spend the rest of your life with that person. It is realizing they are the love of your life. Sudden regret, followed by angry outbursts when confronted on the matter means they either aren't in love, or aren't emotionally secure and invested in the relationship. Especially in you all's current life situations where marriage isn't an unreasonable option. The fear of dedicating themselves and investing their life into another person means they want more time for themselves, more time to live their own life, and in some cases, they want to be with other people or are simply unhappy being with you. This doesn't necessarily mean they are a bad person, this just means that their actions were wrong and they most likely, aren't for you. I'm sorry you're dealing with this. Good luck.

Lilyanony · Answer

If nothing else is an issue between the two of you and you wish to still buy with him make sure you see a solicitor and draw out a contract prior. You need to protect yourselves should he flake again.
Children be prepared for him to flake on that too. Only have them if you want them and without them you can look after them financially. Don't allow yourself to be reliant on anyone. Trust me whether it's him or some next guy.
What you need to ask yourself was, before he asked were you cool?
And did you discuss announcing the wedding?
Or did you suddenly launch into bridal plans?

HOAAH · Answer

Try to understand his feelings on why he doesn't want to get married anymore. Maybe he has fears or something, of some kind about marriage being such a huge commitment and he doesn't want to have that kind of thing around him as he likes to be "free spirited" or something. Maybe he is afraid he doesn't really know what he wants, or something... I'm not sure. I'm not him. but you have to talk to him to know what he really wants, and why he doesn't want to get married anymore. Try to empathize with him and tell him how you feel and what you really want and why. good luck

SaltyBooze · Answer

hopefuly the "under 18" tag by your name isn't true.
some people act on a whim and then regret it.
but all acts are actually something that person wanted to do. so he did want to ask you in marriage (at some point), he just had second thoughts and changed his mind. the best idea right now is to give it a break, both of you. communication is being impossible as he's being angry and shouts, so yeah. stop seeing each other for a while, to cool down, then try talking normally over it. be aware tho: your relationship is probly going to end.

1Anon · Answer

He’s probably just realised that he’s too young for such a big commitment.

Give him a few days to get his head together and at the same time, why don’t you take this time to fully think about everything.

You’re young and I assume he is too. Maybe he’s thinking of things he’d want to do before settling down such as finish his education, establish a career and have the chance to not be financially broke for a good part of his life (raising a child isn’t cheap).

You’ve not said what you’d both be doing with your lives after you’ve moved in together, got married and have children.

Maybe you both could put the marriage idea on hold until you both have talked calmly about what’s realistic for you both going forward?

Fbomb · Answer

Damn, that sucks. Could it be that your boyfriend is somewhat of an indecisive person? When I asked my fiancee to marry me we had already gone through discussions about where we see our relationship in a few years time. She knew I was going to ask her to marry me, and I knew she was going to say yes.

I also think marriage is not as big a deal for women. I mean, they obviously like getting married and having a big wedding. But they also initiate 70% of divorces and they cite unhappiness as their reason most of the time. So for men, you have to keep your wife happy or she'll run you through the court system and leave you in despair.

Candy45 · Answer

So many red flags. Most people already told you about. You are way to young. Keep building up your career, yourself. Travel, explore, meet different people. To each their own but I would advice to woman marry after or around 30 after you have accomplished your goals, enjoyed your life and are mature enough to share it with someone else and make a family. Once you have kids your life changes 360 degrees, your life doesn't belong to you anymore, you are 100% responsible of a human being. Do you really want that at 20? Just take your time and a betrer option will come at the right time.

Chiral · Answer

You left out a crucial bit of information. By not even considering it worth mentioning what your answer was, you have shown that you feel you have no part to play or ability to make decisions about your own future. Maybe that's why he feels he is unable to make such a commitment. It's your immaturity that could be the problem, your description says to me that the commitment you expect him to provide is to look after both himself and you for the rest of your lives. The commitment that you are so ready for appears to be a commitment to being taken care of for the rest of you life. But that is even more than what you are committing to really. If at some point you decide you don't want him making all the decisions you won't want him looking after you so really all you are committing to is that for as long as you want someone to look after you, you'll allow him that privilege rather than another guy.

Browneye57 · Answer

He's just not ready for the life-long commitment. Which is good to find out now, not AFTER you're married and have those kids.
So you have two choices the way I see it...
1. Wait. Continue to date and plan. Give him time to become comformtable with the concept of being with you for the rest of your lives, and ready to commit to that. Appreciate that you have someone mature enough to realize this and not just jump into something so important.
2. NEXT him, find someone that is ready to marry you sooner rather than later.

Gee, put this way it's easy to see, at least for me, the best option. [shrug]

You really need to assess your level of commitment and love to him. If you have all that it takes then you'll be patient. OTOH, If he's too weak to commit and generally has trouble making decisions, then you'll likely regret a union with someone like this for the rest of your life.

motownplayer2000 · Answer

Well mad respect he actually communicated how he felt before dragging you down into the pit of misery with him.. so you have to respect him for that. It's up to you where you stand on the rest of it. If you both still like each other and want to continue with the original plan.. do what you need to do... But I will say this.. if he regretted asking you to marry him. Then that would be a red flag having kids and moving in together... Because guess what, that is what married people do anyways.. so you both are making the biggest commitment anyways... That's just odd to me.

kashmenon · Answer

Sorry to be blunt but I don't think you are capable enough to handle the responsibilities of a married life especially if ur under 18. And i think there is a consent age as well to get married. Good that the guy backed out. He realized his mistake. Try dating him for another couple of years. Get married when ur 21 at least and set ur life. Don't have impulses like this.

hahahmm · Answer

People who make a promise/give their word & then change their mind are unreliable & impulsive. They will do the same ‘oops’ over and over again.

Get ready to move on without him. Definitely don’t buy a house with a guy who isn’t sure he wants to marry you.

Give him a few months to reconsider but don’t keep spinning your wherls

WalterRadio · Answer

If you get married at 20, there is an excellent chance you will be divorced at 30.

Wait until you are 26. If you are still together, then you can get engaged and you can expect to stay married.

And whatever you do, don't get pregnant until you have been married at least a year!

lillizzie · Answer

If your boyfriend changes his mind don't marry him under ANY circumstance. Pick the man that acts like a man and wants to desperately marry you, that cannot stand the thought of living without you. Your boyfriend sounds like a boy who has no place marrying anyone. I'm so sorry he ruined what should of been such a wonderful and special time for the two of you.

lovelyleo · Answer

I don't understand how you are talking about kids and living together but not ready for marriage. It is possible that he isn't ready for any of it and you neither.

If you guys other wise have a good relationship and want to stay together consider getting married before living together and especially before having children.

SporMan · Answer

I have a friend that did the same thing but he proposed retracted and then proposed again and is currently engaged to someone that none of the boys know she just came from nowere so without getting into the reasons I believe he's been acting like that I will just say he is sad within and is trying to fill a empty space with grand statements that force people to notice him but also keeps him occupied... So maybe u need to asks yourself if he's had anything tragic happen to him and weather it could make him act out of character and do such things your talking about?

chrisv · Answer

No doubt it’s a shock... and it hurts.
And it’s embarrassing... and traumatic.

Look at the bright side... what if you DID get married? You’d live a lifetime of regret.. he’d probably cheat - and you’d get divorced- probably have kids..

So this isn’t such a bad option. He sounds immature anyway...,

jaidee · Answer

Maybe he just realized that marriage is a contract in which only the man pledges to give away his life without getting any advantage while the woman can walk away anytime with the kids, house, money and receive monthly money till the end of her days.

Damn! I can't help myself describing reality as it is.

wadeabeee · Answer

He has something on his mind preventing him from moving forward. Maybe he wanted to ask your parents permission first, maybe he loves another person, maybe he isn't sure you love him. Ask him if he needs space or if he has something bothering so he should tell you or have a one time session with a shrink.

SarahsSummer · Answer

You should probably slow down on all the plans. Getting caught up in live sometimes gets the best of us. Take your time. You’re 20 or under 18, either way, there’s plenty of time to make babies and get married. You don’t want to make a mistake that ruins your lives for ever.

roriberry · Answer

Marriage can be spoken lightly nowadays, and maybe it was the feeling in the moment when it was asked. Maybe he thought it wad the right choice; there is a lot of experiances and things to do before settling down and he might have realized that. I wouldn't be too taken off by it; he didn't break it off - id just keep the levels low and let the flow happen.

Moonchild714 · Answer

Better he realized it now than later at the ceremony or worse after the marriage has begun. He is not ready and you don't want to push him. He told you he regretted it, stop pressing him on it. People get caught up in the moment or moments that's more than likely what happened. Be thankful he came to his senses. You're twenty, you are young no rush to marry or have kids.

NineBreaker · Answer

As dumb a move on his part is, think about this: Would you rather marry a man who doesn't want to get married, or would you rather him back out before time the knot? Don't get me wrong; either scenario is messed up, at least a bit, but think about it.

Just talk to him. Is he completely opposed to marriage, or does he have a problem with timing only?

Alistayr · Answer

Just carry on as you have been. Don't bring the subject up again, and try to act as though it didn't happen. It may be hard, but it may well be that, in time, and when he gets over his embarrassment, he will propose again, and with rather more commitment. Give it time, though.

Miristheiss · Answer

Yikes, sad story.

How do you feel?

Were you happy he proposed and now saddened that he's retracted the offer?

Were you feeling rushed and unsure about all of this and now you are relieved that he isn't pushing marriage?

If situation 1 I'm sorry, that's got to hurt.
If situation 2, whew! You dodged a bullet.

ARBrown · Answer

He probably has commitment issues. It's probably not you. It's not uncommon for many people to have doubts about marriage, it's one of the biggest commitments we as humans make. Try finding a couples or even marriage counselor. Or talk to his mom if you're on her good side 😅

Buhuauh · Answer

This is a big commitment, give him time, and don't try punishing him, because your behaviour may change and you may react in certain way since he took it back. Try to be cool about it. And hope he overcome his fear, look for red flags. But don't poke them try to make it work.

curiousme33 · Answer

Your profile says you're under 18. If that's true then he's right, at this age you might feel the need to rush into things when you're not ready. He realised how big of a commitment this is and decided to take a step back. The only way to know for sure is to ask him why he changed his mind and where he sees your relationship in the future honestly. If you guys want the same things then good, if not go your separate ways.

Yakasmashi · Answer

He shouldn't have done that if a man ask to marry a woman they need to make sure 1. It the right one 2. They are ready for this commitment 3. They truly want this and not a I guess or I'll do it for her or I'll just want this or that... etc
My advice is this : open up and tell him how u feel if u can't do it face to face write him a note letter... and put it where he sees it... etc

Anonymous · Answer

Well if your profile is true and you’re not even 18 yet he’s doing the right thing. You may be physically able to have a kids and be married but I highly doubt you’re ready for a mortgage, your kids medical bills, insurance, car payments, and everything else that comes with full adulthood. Just wait a few years if you both want to be together you will be.

Aynsof · Answer

Well seems like the thing to do is to sit down and talk to him about what he wishes for a future for you two
Does he still want to get married just not right now? Does he want to continue your relationship as is? Or does he have second thoughts about the relationship in general?
Have a conversation find out where you stand

Tony06 · Answer

Dont b in 2 much of a rush 2 settle down , life will come past faster than you'll notice. get out there , travel , have an amazing holiday romance , learn a bit more of life so , in time you'll have some life lessons 2 pass onto ur kids when they come. BE SAFE. Enjoy.

bklynbadboy1 · Answer

I'm sorry but I dumped that dude after that that's not something you do to a woman that's really messed up I wouldn't wait he obviously doesn't know what he wants I do want in my life and find somebody that really wants to be with me. You can't waste your youth on one guy and then later on here wake up in the side he don't want to be with you I'm not good with that

Arne123123 · Answer

Yeah, i don't know his or your age, but getting married and/or having children when you're children yourselfs is not a good idea. You may think you are all mature and stuff, but when you are 25 you will probably look back and think how silly and immature you where. Not far from if you think how you where at 10 now.

Anonymous · Answer

I'd kick him in the dick if I were you, full force. Kinda shit that'd make the balls shoot all the way up to his mouth, which would make him gag, unable to breathe, he'd die and you'd go to jail... nevermind.

Oh, yeah, better yet I'd dump him if I were you!

phillyboy2018 · Answer

Thats a dickhead. Move.!! He's ether jealous and tried to keep you. And then decided to move backwards to make himself feel better. Some men need the satisfaction of the woman feels on her sleeve. He might be angry or looking for a reaction. Unless you cheated.

jimyee · Answer

Well that's pretty messed up. It sounds like he is pretty unreliable so gotta examine if you really should be making a commitment like marriage and kids with a guy like that.

_dardorsama_ · Answer

WTF... a guy won't ask the big question unless he's 100% sure about it

And regretting it the very next day is really suspecous too... either he doesn't have anything dangling between his legs or there's another girl in the equation

onetoomanybeau · Answer

Do you honestly want to be with someone who's that flakey and indecisive for the rest of your life? RUN WHILE YOU STILL CAN

Aeleen · Answer

Maybe he changed his mind for now. Because he is only 23 and naybe he felt pressure. Give him some time and after a few days or weeks ask him about this. Right now maybe he is acting out because he has mixed and cobfused feelings

wonderland0730 · Answer

My boyfriend did something similar. He told me he wanted to marry me soon and when I started talking about it more he took it back and said he doesn't want to get married. I was hurt but I left it along and when I asked him why he took it back months later he said that it had just become to much pressure but doesn't mean he isn't still planning to do so.
Id give your man some time and later sit down and talk to him about it.

MlleCake · Answer

You're too young IMHO. He's right on the edge. But I think you should break up. You just can't have a man treat you that way. Especially since he isn't letting you express how hurt you are.

ElijahXmith · Answer

Invite him over. Boil some water. Let it boil and boil, and when he gets there, make some tea and discuss his poor life decision.

If you thought I was gonna say throw the water on him... I have news for you lol

edmonton · Answer

Your both still young and if it was me I would rather for both people to be absolutely sure I know a few people who weren't ready after they said yes, but after a year or so went through with it because they were confident they made the right choice

BlessedDoll · Answer

He can't shout at nobody but himself because he shouldn't of asked you if he wasn't ready. Just don't bring it up no more and if he ask again make sure he is for sure. Also i would keep the ring lol

Cmasterson · Answer

Well seeing as you're under 18, both moves were immature and not really well thought out. I dont see whats the rush, you're not even legally an adult yet?

Eleventy · Answer

That sucks. I'm sorry that happened to you. I think you should talk to him about it and let him know that it was a shitty thing to do and that it hurt you. I wouldn't break up with him though, if he's a good guy in all other respects.

MsMilk · Answer

I think he's just not ready, and it's great that he admitted he isn't before you guys went into any problems. I think you should probably ask him about the situation and why he changed his mind.

Raiden93 · Answer

Respect his honesty and try to understand why. He probably did you a favor

SarahVanRensburg · Answer

I’d break up with him because clearly he makes decisions without thinking it through properly and I’d also be pretty hurt.

Lee06 · Answer

That’s the poorest decision I’ve ever heard of, but I’m glad he truthfully told you he regretted it though.

Anonymous · Answer

Seems to me your already pooling your resources and planning kids and moving together. Marrage is cake compared to all that stuff. Make sure u get the piece of paper before u rearange your life for him!!!

nakhrewali · Answer

LMAO and this is the man you wanna be with forever? Pranks you into engagement then says sike. Reevaluate your life sis.

howlyz · Answer

Honey, this is a good thing. He is not ready for marriage yet, it is better if you don't marry and have a divorce soon after, trust me

My boyfriend asked me to marry him and changed his mind and took it back, what should I do?

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