My boyfriend asked me to marry him and changed his mind and took it back, what should I do?

[Anonymous]

My boyfriend and me were out a walk and he asked me to marry him he got me a ring I started telling people, was looking at dresses and venues etc and we were both excited well so I thought and then the week later he told me he takes it back and he doesn't want to get engaged, he says it's a big commitment, he isn't ready, turns out he regretted it the day after he asked he said he doesn't know why he asked me, we have planned having kids next year and moving in at the end of the year? I just don't get it, has anyone got any thoughts on this, I've asked him about it and obviously I'm distraught but he just gets angry and shouts at me, I don't know what to do or what to think

Updates

+1 y

I made an error on my date of birth and I'm unsure how to change it he is 25 and I'm 20 😂

Updates

+1 y

Think I should specify we are both in good well paid careers pretty much living with each other's talking about buying a house we were friends before getting together and we have been together quite a while now

[nightdrot]

Drop this gentleman - and I am being generous - immediately. Walk away and never ever speak to him again. No forgiveness. Nothing.

What he did is unspeakable, frankly, and you can see him for what he is. A spineless little coward who uses other people's feelings as playthings.

You ask what to do? Ask yourself, is this the kind of man - boy really - you want to rely on for the rest of your life. He gets nerves and then changes his mind. He jumps impulsively and then backs out. He treats your feelings as less important than his.

Do you want this for yourself? Would you want this for your children?

Forgive me, I am usually much more diplomatic than this, but this sad excuse for a man is beneath contempt. Just hearing your description - and I grant that it is only your side of the story - I have nothing but a seething disdain for this guy.

There are things a real gentleman does not do - and he did it. Run, do not walk, away from this guy. You learned a good lesson. Go into your next relationship eyes wide open about the kind of guy you are dealing with.

In the meantime, cut this guy off and never ever speak with him again. Do NOT accept an apology. Do NOT give him a second chance.

Count yourself lucky that you saw this guy for what he is. Spineless, feckless, a child in adult clothes.

[djmzes]

Simple
Both of you do not even know why you are getting married and have no clue about marriage contracts which is a heavy one. What the marriage expects from both of you in order to make it work ( sacrifice, efforts, commitment, not think just about you and what you want, rather what the relationship need in order to grow and survive by thinking commonly towars a common goal.

It takes not only a good sailor, but also a good boat in orser to thrive through the rough sea of marriages and its destructive waves of challenges.

Ask why you want to get married and why u choose him exactly and Weight on the answer if it is shallow or not.

Cuz if someone marries for thw wrong reason, there will be no right in the marriage.

[BossesDaughter]

He shuld have thought more into his decission to ask. Nobody forced him. If he loves you lik he tells you, he will be taking steps to make it work and try to take the sadness he caused you away. This is in no way your fault and in fact I feel that is a betrayal on his end. i dont know you, him, or your relationship. Just what you said here. But if he can do something like this, and take back a decission that life changing and important what else is he capable of? When you love someone its never simple. So I can't tell you ehats best fot you becuz only you have to live with your decisions. But I am going through a similar situation, and If I were you, I would leave him and reevaluate your life eith him. He needs to earn back the relationship privledges after doing something like this. Maybe he is confused. Maybe he is sorry or didn't mean this. he's entitled to his feelings. But he's also entitled to the consequences of his actions. He should not get angry at you in any way. You did NOTHING wrong! he's the one who asked. I would have to leave him and really step back and see if he is a person Id even want to be with.

[newbie2015]

I have a different perspective then most. What exactly IS the difference between being engaged and being in a serious committed relationship? Ab so lute ly nothing!!! If you aren't dating other people you aren't more comitted being engaged. You dont have to live with one another just because you are engaged. In fact, many people are engaged for years and years and don't start planning for several years. I might respect him if he simply stated he didn't want to plan and just wanted to enjoy this engagement for a few year and not rush.

So basically I'm saying there is no difference in committment, unless he feels non engaged people can date others. I for one dont believe they should.

So basically the only things he's proven are his impulsiveness, his poor communication skills, his inability to follow through on committments and likely that he wants to see and be with other women. This doesn't sound like someone id want to date...

[sa94aqtl]

Is he just yelling whenever you bring the topic up?

How long have you been together?

So 20 and 25.

If he is willing to talk instead of yell I would talk about how you are both feeling and what happened. I would ask for some clarity as to why he thought he needed to do that and also what he thinks are more realistic goals.

What are your goals and what do you want your future to look like?

How old are both of your parents and grandparents? If they lived into their 90's then getting married in your 20's means 70 years together. That's a ridiculously long time.

Maybe spend some time developing your interests so when you do get married and have kids you don't loose the amazing person you really are because you run out of time to develop it at that point.

[Wonderer89]

Tbh I’d be out. I get that you’re both young and it’s a huge and scary commitment - but he should have thought about that before proposing and *definitely* before you started talking about it with others. He initiated it, he brought a ring. If he can get that far into a life changing decision just to take it back shortly after then he isn’t reliable or careful with his or others emotions and for me that’s a deal breaker.
He could have come and discussed his fears with you rationally, and asked for a long engagement for the next few years but instead he’s taken things he’s promised back and left the future of your relationship and the evolution of his feelings so far completely up in the air

[OlderAndWiser]

That was an extremely insensitive thing for him to do, but better to now acknowledge it as a mistake rather than three years from now when you are married and have a child. What DOES he want now?

[Nodice]

Guys at 30 are scarred of marige, guys at 20 are TERRIFIED! He probably wants to keep you happy maybe even at the expense of his own comfort zone. Why you need to define what is when you already been together "quite a while". You are both young. Live and let life happen. If he gets angry he probably feels cornered. If the topic comes up again don't tell everyone. Marriage isn't for others to know it's for you guys do it alone, let the guy bee a guy and freak out a bit. Then if /when married celebrate with family later.

[lumos]

I'd break up with him. Seems like the kind of guy who's going to make hasty decisions that could very well affect your future negatively. This reflects poorly on his character, considering that proposing to someone is definitely not you do just on a whim, and not something you should be regretting the next day.
Also, the biggest dealbreaker in all of this is the fact that he doesn't even want to talk about it with you, and resorts to yelling and getting mad if you try to bring it up. I could maybe look past him regretting the proposal and possibly chalk it up to getting cold feet, but when you pair this with the fact that he won't even communicate with you, it just highlights his poor decision making skills and communication skills.
You're only 20, thankfully. You have plenty of time to find someone else, who wouldn't make such a poor decision and rip it away from you like that, and who is more open and honest when it comes to communicating.

[hahahmm]

True

[madhatters4]

that's really messed up. it's not a huge deal not to want to get married but it's is really messed up to propose and then take it back. even more messed up not to have patience to discuss the matter with the person whose heart you broke

to me this reeks of selfishness and a lack of thoughtfulness (1. to think clearly about the decision to propose and 2. to think about the impact it would have on you and not be sensitive to it)

so what do you do. decide if you can be with him and unmarried. decide if you feel like he really is the person to be with (married or not) ... frankly i think you should seriously consider breaking up. again it isn't a big deal to not want to get married but his behavior and actions are classless, thoughtless, etc

[Justacatlady]

Him not wanting to be engaged doesn't mean he wants to end things. Personally, I feel that titles change a relationship. When you are dating things seem to be more carefree and fun, then you put on the title of boyfriend and girlfriend, things change. It becomes more serious. Not to say that it isn't still fun but it is now a committed relationship to that other person.
Next title is fiance. It again changes the relationship. This is no longer just a person you are in a relationship with, this is now the person you have chosen to be your life partner. The seriousness is intensified. It makes a person really think about their life and the choices they are making. It also changes the dynamic between the two of you.
Better that he told you now instead of waiting until things were bought and paid for. I suggest sitting down with him and having a good long talk about how you each feel about each other and the future and what makes you comfortable.

[Ballin13]

I agree.

[yucychan]

I know what he did may seemed awful, but at least he is being upfront with you on it. It's even worse if both of you were married and then he decided he's not ready and wants to leave.
Is he always like that? Act on the spur of the moment then regret it later?
Both of you need better communication and to know what you really want from this relationship.
He is definitely right in saying that marriage is a very big commitment. Which is why he should have given better thought to it, rather then popping the question and then regretting it later.
Him being angry and shouting at you when you bring it up to him won't solve the issue. Of course you would be distraught, you told people that you both were getting married, how to take that back. You at 20 and him at 25 are still relatively young, you both have lots of time to think about it. After this fiasco, you have to ask yourself is he really the right one? Would this repeat itself in the future?

[SwagsMcBags]

Honey, he doesn't want to commit to you because he isn't in love with you. A marriage proposal means acknowledgemet that you want to spend the rest of your life with that person. It is realizing they are the love of your life. Sudden regret, followed by angry outbursts when confronted on the matter means they either aren't in love, or aren't emotionally secure and invested in the relationship. Especially in you all's current life situations where marriage isn't an unreasonable option. The fear of dedicating themselves and investing their life into another person means they want more time for themselves, more time to live their own life, and in some cases, they want to be with other people or are simply unhappy being with you. This doesn't necessarily mean they are a bad person, this just means that their actions were wrong and they most likely, aren't for you. I'm sorry you're dealing with this. Good luck.

[WalterRadio]

People may get married because they love each other, but marriage itself has little to do with love.

[SwagsMcBags]

Straight outta philosophy 101, huh.

[SidKnee]

I disagree with you because it's hard to tell and I never tell someone factual stuff as something as illogical as love, nonetheless regarding another human being and their relationship with someone I barely know

[Lilyanony]

If nothing else is an issue between the two of you and you wish to still buy with him make sure you see a solicitor and draw out a contract prior. You need to protect yourselves should he flake again.
Children be prepared for him to flake on that too. Only have them if you want them and without them you can look after them financially. Don't allow yourself to be reliant on anyone. Trust me whether it's him or some next guy.
What you need to ask yourself was, before he asked were you cool?
And did you discuss announcing the wedding?
Or did you suddenly launch into bridal plans?

[HOAAH]

Try to understand his feelings on why he doesn't want to get married anymore. Maybe he has fears or something, of some kind about marriage being such a huge commitment and he doesn't want to have that kind of thing around him as he likes to be "free spirited" or something. Maybe he is afraid he doesn't really know what he wants, or something... I'm not sure. I'm not him. but you have to talk to him to know what he really wants, and why he doesn't want to get married anymore. Try to empathize with him and tell him how you feel and what you really want and why. good luck

[SaltyBooze]

hopefuly the "under 18" tag by your name isn't true.
some people act on a whim and then regret it.
but all acts are actually something that person wanted to do. so he did want to ask you in marriage (at some point), he just had second thoughts and changed his mind. the best idea right now is to give it a break, both of you. communication is being impossible as he's being angry and shouts, so yeah. stop seeing each other for a while, to cool down, then try talking normally over it. be aware tho: your relationship is probly going to end.

[1Anon]

He’s probably just realised that he’s too young for such a big commitment.

Give him a few days to get his head together and at the same time, why don’t you take this time to fully think about everything.

You’re young and I assume he is too. Maybe he’s thinking of things he’d want to do before settling down such as finish his education, establish a career and have the chance to not be financially broke for a good part of his life (raising a child isn’t cheap).

You’ve not said what you’d both be doing with your lives after you’ve moved in together, got married and have children.

Maybe you both could put the marriage idea on hold until you both have talked calmly about what’s realistic for you both going forward?

[Fbomb]

Damn, that sucks. Could it be that your boyfriend is somewhat of an indecisive person? When I asked my fiancee to marry me we had already gone through discussions about where we see our relationship in a few years time. She knew I was going to ask her to marry me, and I knew she was going to say yes.

I also think marriage is not as big a deal for women. I mean, they obviously like getting married and having a big wedding. But they also initiate 70% of divorces and they cite unhappiness as their reason most of the time. So for men, you have to keep your wife happy or she'll run you through the court system and leave you in despair.

[Candy45]

So many red flags. Most people already told you about. You are way to young. Keep building up your career, yourself. Travel, explore, meet different people. To each their own but I would advice to woman marry after or around 30 after you have accomplished your goals, enjoyed your life and are mature enough to share it with someone else and make a family. Once you have kids your life changes 360 degrees, your life doesn't belong to you anymore, you are 100% responsible of a human being. Do you really want that at 20? Just take your time and a betrer option will come at the right time.

[Chiral]

You left out a crucial bit of information. By not even considering it worth mentioning what your answer was, you have shown that you feel you have no part to play or ability to make decisions about your own future. Maybe that's why he feels he is unable to make such a commitment. It's your immaturity that could be the problem, your description says to me that the commitment you expect him to provide is to look after both himself and you for the rest of your lives. The commitment that you are so ready for appears to be a commitment to being taken care of for the rest of you life. But that is even more than what you are committing to really. If at some point you decide you don't want him making all the decisions you won't want him looking after you so really all you are committing to is that for as long as you want someone to look after you, you'll allow him that privilege rather than another guy.

[Annie_Mosity]

You failed to notice that the rest of the tale is about planning the wedding. Any fool can tell she said yes. It wasn't crucial whatsoever so the rest of your utterly bizarre ramblings based on nothing but an oversight of yours, are moot.

[Chiral]

The point I was making in my bizarre ramblings was not that I was incapable of inferring her consent, but that in assuming it was understood that she had consented she was revealing her own lack of any agency. Why do you think that is invalid/moot or bizarre?

[Browneye57]

He's just not ready for the life-long commitment. Which is good to find out now, not AFTER you're married and have those kids.
So you have two choices the way I see it...
1. Wait. Continue to date and plan. Give him time to become comformtable with the concept of being with you for the rest of your lives, and ready to commit to that. Appreciate that you have someone mature enough to realize this and not just jump into something so important.
2. NEXT him, find someone that is ready to marry you sooner rather than later.

Gee, put this way it's easy to see, at least for me, the best option. [shrug]

You really need to assess your level of commitment and love to him. If you have all that it takes then you'll be patient. OTOH, If he's too weak to commit and generally has trouble making decisions, then you'll likely regret a union with someone like this for the rest of your life.

[motownplayer2000]

Well mad respect he actually communicated how he felt before dragging you down into the pit of misery with him.. so you have to respect him for that. It's up to you where you stand on the rest of it. If you both still like each other and want to continue with the original plan.. do what you need to do... But I will say this.. if he regretted asking you to marry him. Then that would be a red flag having kids and moving in together... Because guess what, that is what married people do anyways.. so you both are making the biggest commitment anyways... That's just odd to me.

[kashmenon]

Sorry to be blunt but I don't think you are capable enough to handle the responsibilities of a married life especially if ur under 18. And i think there is a consent age as well to get married. Good that the guy backed out. He realized his mistake. Try dating him for another couple of years. Get married when ur 21 at least and set ur life. Don't have impulses like this.

[Asker]

I'm 20 I made a mistake with the date of birth and realised after I don't know how to change it lol

[kashmenon]

Ah now it makes sense. Then maybe he had cold feet. That's completely possible.

[hahahmm]

People who make a promise/give their word & then change their mind are unreliable & impulsive. They will do the same ‘oops’ over and over again.

Get ready to move on without him. Definitely don’t buy a house with a guy who isn’t sure he wants to marry you.

Give him a few months to reconsider but don’t keep spinning your wherls

[WalterRadio]

If you get married at 20, there is an excellent chance you will be divorced at 30.

Wait until you are 26. If you are still together, then you can get engaged and you can expect to stay married.

And whatever you do, don't get pregnant until you have been married at least a year!

[lillizzie]

If your boyfriend changes his mind don't marry him under ANY circumstance. Pick the man that acts like a man and wants to desperately marry you, that cannot stand the thought of living without you. Your boyfriend sounds like a boy who has no place marrying anyone. I'm so sorry he ruined what should of been such a wonderful and special time for the two of you.