Boyfriend of 4 years gives mixed signals about marriage. Am I just wasting my time?

Question

We met 4 years ago and I told him at the beginning that I prefer to only date with possibility of marriage. He said that he was scared of getting married because his parents divorced, but was looking for a serious relationship and would see where it goes. So I gave him a chance because I was only 20 and wasn’t ready to marry until age 24-26 anyway.

After 2 years, he started talking about us marrying and wedding ideas and stuff with me, and became more open to the idea of marriage, and told me he definitely wants to marry me one day.

The other day, I asked him how long he wants to wait to marry. He said 10 years. I asked if sooner is a possibility and he laughed and wouldn’t answer. I said that there is more risk having kids older and he just kept trying to change the topic. He said that the more I ask about marriage, the farther he’ll push it out into the future.

I hate how sometimes we talk about marrying hypothetically in a fun happy way, and but when I try to talk actual concrete plans he’s evasive and uncomfortable.

I’m 24 now and wouldn’t mind a 1-2 year engagement. I don’t think I can wait any longer after 25. I want to be married by age 27.

Am I just wasting my time with him?

CallMeDave · Accepted Answer

I'm not going to give a yes or no answer because I don't think there is a simple answer and I would need to know more to form a definite opinion.

It certainly doesn't sound like he's going to be willing to get married anytime soon, or maybe ever, but that doesn't necessarily mean you're wasting your time.

I think the most important thing is whether you are happy with the relationship. Does he treat you well? Are you happy being with him? Do you feel a good connection? Aside from marriage, do you seem to be in general agreement on major life goals? (For example, it sounds like you want children. Does he?) If you have all of those things, then you could be taking a big risk if you break up with him. It's not always easy to find a good partner. Some people go a long time without finding a good match, so if you've got one now I think you need to take that into consideration when deciding what to do.

There are people that have long term committed relationships and never marry. If the relationship is good, maybe you could consider that. You can have children without getting married. I know couples that have done that. Of course if you do that, you want to be really confident that he'll stick around so you don't end up as a single mother if he walks away. There's nothing wrong with being a single mother, but I think it's really difficult to raise children alone and a lot of guys won't date a single mother so your chances of finding someone else will be lower, so it's not an ideal situation to be in. (That's not all guys by any means. I myself started a relationship with a single mother several years ago and we're still together and happy. But I've seen responses to questions on this site from many guys saying there's no way they'd date a single mother so it is something to consider.)

From what you've said I think it pretty safe to assume that he's not going to want to get married within a couple years, so I wouldn't count on that. When deciding what to do, I think you need to consider how good your relationship is now, how likely you think it is that you can find someone else as good or better in the time frame you're looking for, and whether you could be happy staying with your boyfriend even if you didn't get married.

jasco · Accepted Answer

Being in a relationship for 4 years takes a lot of work, and so does being married if you wanna be married then you have to work threw the good and the bad, threw sickness and health, By leaving him you are simply giving him a reason not to get married other then the fact that his childhood trama of seeing his parent's get divorce so in short leave and find someone else and i hope you find happiness other wise work with him, don't just push him off to the side because he's not doing everything you want him to do. Convince him to see it your way and convince him to see the benefits of being married to you.

girlzruleboyzdrool · Accepted Answer

I think, and im sorry, but the fact that he's not listening to what's important to you in the relationship is a sign that he's not treating g you with respect. He's avoiding the question and changing the topic.
You need to say
We are discussing this because its important to me.
If he doesn't want to marry and you do and you want a family, he needs to know this or you guys might not be together anyway.
He knew when you got into the relationship what you were looking for.
You need to make him have this talk
And he shouldn't be holding it over you either.
It must be tough because you love him. He's not doing right by you.
I understand that he's not ready to commit... so what is that saying. Clearly you're not the one going anywhere... he's basically saying he's not sure if you're the one be what other reason would the 2 of you split up
Using his parents is very unfair
Does he have relatives still married? Friends?
What happens if you say you'll leave? Does he say :if that's what you decide?"
Maybe you should start being more independent and start leaving little
Cut him off from sex too

You have to be strong

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

I’m sorry but I find this funny when people are pushing for someone to marry them after 4 years of dating they aren’t leading you on

my parents were together for 50 years but they didn’t get married until 18 years after they first met and they had a bunch of kids and they remained together until my Mum passed away very suddenly I have another family member who was with her partner 9 years before her partner proposed and they have been happily married For 10 years but they have been together for a total of 21 years and they have a bunch of kids together too

If you can’t respect the fact that he wants to wait then he should dump your ass and find a girl who isn’t desperate to get married for crying out loud your only been together for 4 years And your in your 20’s marriage doesn’t guarantee you are gonna stay married and I very much doubt you will remain together for the rest of your life at the same time pushing someone to get married will only end up backfiring on you because no one like to be backed into a corner and made to feel trapped

jennifer_bloom · Answer

Break up with him - he is dangling this stick in front of you to control you and is not treating you like an equal

OlderAndWiser · Answer

Yes, you are wasting your time with him.

LEYvh · Answer

Hi, since you were clear about your intentions and he seems to be inconsistent on his own, I would gather he’s leading you on because he likes your company but not the legal commitment. I understand his uneasiness with marriage because of his parents’ relationship or lack there of, but it shouldn’t be imposed on your own relationship. It seems as though he wants to drag it out until you let it be. Cliche as it is, you two don’t seem to want the same things out of life. You deserve more than an inconsistent partner that has you walking on eggshells. Just analyze why you wish to get married, for the idea or for what it symbolizes (I don’t say this in a condescending way). Also, is he actually someone you can see yourself struggling with, laughing about trivial things with, and supporting through different phases of life. Don’t settle (: he could be a great person but not the best person for you. If you decide you need something else, you might have to start the difficult conversation of separation (don’t give ultimatums) but it would be to the benefit of both of you.

Side note- 26/27 is also the age I would like to settle down around, so I get what you mean about dating to marry. I hope this helps.

Poppykate · Answer

I spent my twenties/early thirties with a guy that promised marriage. I am now 37 and not married/childless. If I could give any advice to younger women, it would be ‘don’t waste time on empty promises- even if he proposes.’ It’s just delaying tactics! If he is not talking about the future, talking about buying a house together, having children together, setting a wedding date, WITH YOU etc... don’t waste your time, move on. Your fertility drops dramatically after 35 years. The time passes so quickly!

Anonymous · Answer

I think you're too young to be married. Relationships aren't like fairytales, you get into one, get married, and be happily ever after.

However, if you've been with him for 4 years, and he hasn't popped the question, I would try to find out what the barriers are. Instead of asking him when he wants to get married, ask him if he has concerns about being married. I think asking him how long he wants to wait to get married, might come off as being desperate.

Find out what he's worried about marriage, but only when the situation is applicable, don't just bring it up like interrogation.

Anonymous · Answer

You could be wasting a lot of your good years. But one thing is for sure, it is not always rosy on the other side of the fence neither, girl. Don't push. He could come around. I have been seeing with Covid and many couples, it is like this lately. Covid is putting a big ass strain on everything. Stick it out for now. Maybe in your own sweet way, you can indiscreetly coax your cock-rooster. hahaha. Play it out and in a year if u see it is no different, make a decision. He may get real cozy with you like a lazy fat cat.

sillyfairy474 · Answer

Have you ever heard, “if a man loves you, you’ll know it and if he doesn’t, then you’ll be confused”? That is the gist of my advice for this situation. If you can’t say hell yes to something definitely, then it’s a no and if it’s a no, then yes that’s a waste of time.

CupcakeKiller · Answer

This dude is not ready to be married and you have had plenty of notice that he feels that way yet it seems like you are pressuring him a shit ton. These are not mixed signals it seems.
You need to figure out what your priorities are. But what you are asking for is a marriage wrought with resentment.

Heiniken · Answer

I don't blame him - marriage is a trap. Statistically its a 50-50 that you get bored 8 years down the road and want to divorce him, and take half his sh*t. Family law is the largest issue and likely only reason why he does not want to get married. He likely saw his Dad get financially destroyed in divorce and does not want to be put into his shoes.

Tell him that you will sign a prenup and won't go after his money when you divorce and he may consider it - its the only way.

Anonymous · Answer

Yes, it sounds like you're wasting your time. He doesn't sound like he wants to get married anytime soon. But I also think setting a certain date or age or year that you want to get married isn't the right way to go about it either. I think a lot of people put pressure on themselves to get married by a certain age, and then end up marrying the wrong person because of it.

Barbaric · Answer

Yeah you're wasting your time. The more you pressure a guy to get married, the more you push them away. But I can see your side of it too, why would you wait until you're 34 to get married and start having children? That's a stupid idea.

Liam_Hayden · Answer

Unless compelled by religious ideals, men who are getting all of the benefits of marriage without having to sign the contract are not likely to ever opt for marriage. So yes, you are probably wasting your time.

Kaamraj · Answer

Men do not view marriage with the same urgency as women. If it's that important for you then you should confront him about it.

garrysingh638 · Answer

depends on you what you want and do you want to marry him or no and Do he want to marry you? You can directly if you both agree,

MzAsh · Answer

This isn’t mixed signals. This is him completely bullshitting you. I really hope you put your foot down or get rid of him.

SweetDisaster · Answer

Why? are you still waiting time with him when it's so obvious he doesn't plan on getting married. If you want to reach your goal I recommend you breaking up with him. The sooner the better.

nelly83 · Answer

Do not rush marriage for the sake of having kids earlier. It’s the perfect recipe for divorce. You will just end up being a single mom 13 years later. Just watch

sheikalana · Answer

He needs to be straight forward in this. If he doesn't have any intention of getting married with you in the future he should just say it now so you can quickly move on with your life.

TheFlak38 · Answer

Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free? Men who decide to get married nowadays are desperate idiots looking at the world through love goggles.

Ivo9898 · Answer

Yes. Split now and don't waste more time. I have made promises to my girlfriend for 3 years and now she is devastated because we are split into not even friends. Maybe your boyfriend is insane like me.

Boyfriend of 4 years gives mixed signals about marriage. Am I just wasting my time?

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