How do I flirt with an INTJ?

[youwishyouknew1]

Recently I've been looking into the Myers Briggs personalities. I'm an ESFJ girl (Extroverted, Sensing, Feeling, Judging) and interested in an INJT guy friend of mine. I've read (and yes, these are blanket statements that don't apply to all people) that INTJs can come across as aloof, super confident, non feeling but great thinkers with a wonderful intellect. They're in their heads a lot and don't necesarilly express feeling, even though they feel it deeply. And also not that great at picking up on flirting or doing it himself.

I've been into this guy for years, but always confused about where I stood in his mind. Sometimes he'd give me all the attention in the world and then not at all at other times. He doesn't really initiate physical contact but then gives a rare hug (which I can't help but cherish). He usually hangs out with me in group settings but will also go to things with me that have to do with his interests (dancing, concerts) but I'm the one to ask... not him.

I don't want to be the one who keeps asking... but don't know how he views me asking in the first place. Does it matter to him? Maybe... If I get a text from him wanting to hang out, it's like Hell frooze over... haha

So my question is: how can I tell if there's any interest on his part as an INTJ? How can I communicate my interest to him without being SUPER obvious? Or do I need to be super obvious?

Updates

+1 y

Not sure if this matters too much. But I'm moving for another country at the end of the month. I'll be gone for at least a school year but am kicking myself for never saying anything to this guy in years past.

[Anonymous]

Well first of just because my conscious won't let me I have to say the Meyers-Briggs test is rather unsound and rigid. It's research was completed far before our understanding of nueroplatsticity and I wouldn't put too much faith in it. I mean it's better than zodiac signs but still not really that useful or helpful. But bypassing that, I can still answer your question. I am an INTJ some time's INTP. All I can tell you is don't try. One thing I'm extremely good at is noticing how much someone likes me. It doesn't change one but how I feel about them. There is absolutely nothing you can do to persuade me to like you. Trust me. I've had girls try for years. My attraction doesn't come from your actions towards me but rather what I understand about your character. Physical appearance means little to nothing more than a pretty picture to me. Girl who flirts with me is off putting and undesirable. Girl who takes the time to try and feed an abandoned cat is Absolutely gourgeous. Girl who grinds on me is fun for the moment but totally forgettable. Girl who can make a sick person laugh stays with me forever. I never care about how you treat me because that isn't the real you it's the you you want me to see. But I watch the people I like secretly from a close but far away distance and that's what I judge you on. So if he's like me don't try to impress him he'll catch on and be turned away. Instead be the best person you can be relax around him and if he likes you you'll find out eventually.

[Opinion Owner]

And for the record we do pick up flirting and completely understand how to do it we just don't do it. Because it's worthless and disingenuous. Or at least that's how I feel.

[Opinion Owner]

Sooo many typos. I'm so sorry

[Opinion Owner]

Also if he's hugging you you're halfway there. That is if he really has a personality like me. I don't voluntarily hold people I don't like.

[abzence]

I think the major thing to take into consideration here is that you are an extrovert and he is an introvert.

"Sometimes he'd give me all the attention in the world and then not at all at other times." That's the introverted behavior right there. Once he's given attention he needs some alone time again.

This will probably work if you can accept that you will not be the center of attention all the time, that he probably needs a lot of alone time and small talk are usually considered boring.

And the flirting part. Yes, you need to be super obvious. I have a male INTJ friend and he never understand when a girl is interested in him unless she strait out tells him. "Subtle hints" get you nowhere.

Personally I'm a INFJ.

[youwishyouknew1]

Wow... and I honestly thought that he was treating me like a second rate friend... or just being a jerk. Thanks for the calcification!
What kinds of things should I look out for? Facial expressions? How do you or your INTJ friend show interest?

[abzence]

As I am an FJ I'm different in how I see myself and others compared to a TJ. I'm all about feelings. Feelings are my logic and how I understand things. That's also why I have no problem knowing when others are interested in me.

But since a TJ is a "thinker" and not a "feeler" they can often have trouble understanding feelings. My INTJ friend says that he often don't know or understand what he himself is feeling. That it something I never experience since I always know what I'm feeling.

I personally show interest by reading her body language and go from there. I don't engage in girls that are not interested in me. I read the situation and adapt to it. My INTJ friend usually just go "all in" and it's usually just a hit or miss thing.

An INTJ will probably not be subtle. If he is interested in you, he will tell you, unless he is shy. And he will expect you to tell him if you are interested in him. Strait and logical communication is the only thing that works.

[abzence]

I also recommend that you read this little description (link below) about what introvertism really is. Since many extroverted people try to make introverted people more "out going" not realizing that they are fundamentally different and don't need to be "fixed".

Because if you two are going to work out long term you need to understand that extroverted and introverted people have very different needs and you can't use him to get your extroverted needs satisfied. You will need to have other people (friends/family) for this.

giftedkids.about.com/od/glossary/g/introvert.htm

[youwishyouknew1]

Yeah, I've read articles like that before and it makes complete sense and I can see the whole 'recharging' thing in this guy.

[Anonymous]

im am an esfj aswell!!! and I have found to have many crushes with quiet introverted guys which makes it harder to tell if he likes you honestly I think you could do something a little but nt super obvious to him to let him know your interested in being more than just friends and if that doesn't work write him a letter expressing your feelings he will appreciate it

[TheINTJ]

Don't worry about seeming desperate or any of that sort. Just be direct about it. It'll most likely be hard for him to tell if you weren't, and even harder so, since you're probably outgoing and social too.

[Eternallylucky]

They are not easily swayed. You better make sure it's something big

[youwishyouknew1]

Like? what?

[youwishyouknew1]

Write him a poem... sing a song outside his window? hahaha

[Eternallylucky]

treat them like bill gates or a rich king pin

[Strider90]

I am an INTJ.
If you think he is not so confident I think you should be obvious you like him, just not in a cheeky way if I may say it that way. Be more easy going and relaxed.
And since he is hanging already out with you often even giving you hugs Im sure he is into you. Maybe he thinks he's been friend zoned, I don't know. Just tell him that you like him. INTJ speaking here. I had this with many girls. I couldn't understand if they really liked me or were just friendly. It remained a mystery with many girls I have met. So try t be obvious what you want and like about the guy.

[youwishyouknew1]

But you never felt comfortable to ask one of those girls? This guy has complained, along with other guy friends of ours, that girls can be too aloof and wishy washy when asked on a date. I got super frustrated because I would say the same thing about them-that they're not being direct. So I guess both sides are at fault.

[eagleriverjohn]

I am an INTJ, and I am always frustrated because I can't tell whether a girl likes me or not. I am also not good with flirting, both doing it and receiving it. Since we are the same personality type, I'm sure that guy has the same problems. To solve this you do need to be super obvious and/or very explicit that you like him.

[youwishyouknew1]

Gotcha... thanks.
On the flip side, how do you show a girl you're interested? This guy doesn't do much with facial expressions (but it's cute when I catch it) or physical touch.

[eagleriverjohn]

For me personally, I just try to start conversations. I am like him, I don't do facial expressions or touch. I just have to work up the courage to tell her I like her, which has taken a year for the girl I currently like and may take a little more time even though I'm close. If you tell him you like him first, he might open up a bit more

[youwishyouknew1]

When you say that you don't do touch... is it because you don't like it or just get nervous? That's like my #1 when it comes to flirting. ha

[eagleriverjohn]

Well I mean I won't initiate touch with someone I like. But yea it's because I'm nervous. I generally touch people I'm extremely comfortable with and even then it's only rarely. I'm comfortable being touched by someone I like and that relaxes me a bit I don't know why.

[Curmudgeon]

I am an ISTJ (kind of close on the Sensory vs. iNtuitive), so I will take a guess at this. Yes, be SUPER obvious. These people--my people--are often just too "stuck in our own heads" (caught up in our own anxieties and problems) to notice.

[youwishyouknew1]

And that's absolutely terrifying to me. As an ESFJ I HATE conflict-potential or realistic... ANY possibility of it. I would hate to have this relationship become awkward because of this 'being super obvious'. So... any advice on how to be obvious without making it awkward, especially if things don't work out?

[Curmudgeon]

If it is any consolation, the Introverted people generally don't like conflict either.

[Bandit74]

@TheINTJ

I believe this is your area of expertise 😉

[youwishyouknew1]

haha thanks? What do you mean?

[blondfrog]

You should ask a psychologist this as this is their field of expertise I know nothing about that personality crap I remember my teacher teaching us it in college I just forgot.