Why do guys HATE commitment?

Question

I'm not intending to generalize, but why do most guys take pride in cheating and having many girls?
Most of them love to play the role of "The Player" instead of the boyfriend.
why is commitment such an awful thing to them?

AmesJane · Accepted Answer

"I'm not intending to generalize, but..."

Sure. Indiana University research found about 19% of women and 23% of men cheat. Regional studies may differ somewhat in specific percentages, but overall, the gap between men and women cheating isn't that big, nor does any research indicate "most" guys cheat, let alone "take pride" in it. You also can't know *why* there's a bit of a gender gap in the amount of cheating. It might just as well be stereotypes about how men and women are "supposed" to function ref sexuality that influence behaviour rather than hard-wired differences.
Recent evolutionary anthropology reseacrh by Selza, in line with other evolutionary research on human sexual behaviour in the last 30 years, also suggests this idea we have of men as the "hunters" and women as the "huntees" when it comes to mating, is a false dichotomy and that both male and female humans engaged in "multiple mating" and actively seeking out a versatility of partners.

As far as commitment goes, several recent Pew Research reports have found men and women to be equally likely to want to get married, equally indicate love as an important reason to get married, and equally indicate a successful marriage to be one of the most important things in their lives. Research by McClintock additionally indicates men and women currently in relationships report equal amounts of commitment,

2006 research by Kalmijn & Poortman shows women are more likely to initiate divorce than men, 2014 research by Allison and Sayer indicates there is little difference in which spouse has an affair, preceding a divorce.
The conclusion about this "men fear commitment" stereotype in a recent Psychology Today article was as follows: "The data suggests that commitment, love, and marriage are strongly desired—and good for—both women and men. The “sex wars” over men’s supposed fear of commitment are simply not evident. Undoubtedly, some men do fear or avoid commitment—but so do some women."

So congratulations. Your attempt not to generalize has resulted in little more than generalizing, unsubstantiated stereotypes that find no support whatsoever in scientific research. The only base for any of this is hearsay, assumptions, bs stereotypical nonsense you've been fed and saw strengthened through a nifty little mechanism called "confirmation bias".

I suggest you rely a bit more on objective data before making wild guesses about reality rather than make blanket statements based on personal biased perception

btbc92 · Accepted Answer

Excuses for themselves because they don't want to grow up. They want to fool around and play the field because Society tells them it's okay to do so instead of being serious. Society tells you have sex before marriage do whatever it is that you want to do. Don't get married so early go to college get a job financially build yourself then decide if you want to get married. And they tell you to get married in your late twenties early thirties which is the wrong thing to be doing. And then they ain't getting them cells involved with porn which both males and females already doing young and old. And then there's the parents who listens to what Society tells them to do and they don't get involved in their kids lives anymore. And if you do then you're an abusive parent, highly strict, untrusting, have mental issues or my favorite one a 'helicopter parent'. That is why you have to know what type of person is right for you and what type of person is not. That also includes what type of behavior and character is acceptable within your presence. So therefore if you are a person who takes relationship seriously do not get yourself involved with a person who does the opposite of what you believe. Unless they have logical reasons as to why they don't want to commit then they have no business to be dating let alone trying to be involved the person in the first place. To be honest that's my major pet peeve when it comes down to people because they fool around with others emotions, it's bad enough to have sex with people they have no business having sex with but they'll do it anyway. And at the same time the one that's going to end up hurt is you. This is why I chose to be celibate today and not so called single or called abstinent.

Remember that everybody has a choice and they can cheat if they choose to. There was no law against cheating and nobody's going to hold him accountable for it so what is there for them to do when there's no benefit according to them? It's sad the way people choose to date and try to get you to do the same thing today is highly atrocious.

Rosebuzz · Accepted Answer

Some guys are like that... some aren't.

If you go out with a guy for a while (like say a few months) & he is not willing to commit (even just a little, like as an exclusive boyfriend)... Then just move on. He aparently has that "grass is greener on the other side" complex... and no matter how beautiful, personable, & intelligent you are, he is still thinking there may be someone out there better for him... It has nothing to do with you or what you think you may be lacking.

When you run into that, it's just best to move on. Moving on creates one of two outcomes. One, he will see how he really loves you and commit. Two, he will just go on with his life and you can finally move on with yours. Either outcome is really better for you than staying with him.

Don't worry, some guy out there will see how great of a catch you are and be willing to commit... without you having to worry him about it. That guy will actually be worth it.

StellaGreenEyes · Accepted Answer

It’s not that they don’t want commitment, they just haven’t met the person who they think is worth it.

I dated a guy like that, he wants a commitment - he just didn’t want it from me. So he dates around because he hasn’t found anyone he wants to give up single life for.

It sucks and it hurt like hell, but it doesn’t make him a bad person or a player. I just wasn’t what he wanted.

MrOracle · Accepted Answer

Many men are just fine with commitment, but many are not.

Most men are different from most women in that men want and can enjoy sex with many different women and don't necessarily need an emotional connection with the women. That difference strongly influences everything below.

Commitment and even marriage once benefitted men and women approximately the same, but the many feminist changes to our society, while good in many ways, has largely removed all of the benefits for men, while giving women even more. Men are increasingly aware that they are a poor deal for men, and given that they are no longer necessary to get sex, more men are choosing not to commit.

Also, it needs to be realized that the men that most women want - the top 5 or 10% - have so many women throwing themselves at them that virtually all of them take full advantage by sleeping with lots of them. Going after a guy like that and expecting commitment is naive and foolish.

But, here is the question that almost no woman ever seems to have asked themselves (and rarely have an answer to):

What benefits will a man gain - things that matter to MEN - in return for giving up his highly valued time and freedom? What do you have to offer him that is worth the trade?

BlueSpark · Accepted Answer

Most of my life I couldn't even face dating someone if I didn't plan on trying to get close enough to spend my life with them. I didn't understand how people could date casually, and even though I do now, if I find someone I love I wanna spend as much time with them as I can, especially if that includes the rest of my life

OlderAndWiser · Answer

Most guys don't hate the idea of commitment. Young guys talk macho smack to score points with other young macho guys, and that includes saying that they will never get serious in a relationship, etc., blah, blah, blah. They don't want to having any interest in commitment, but they are willing to commit. You just need to sneak up on them and let them fall in love with you before you have too many TALKS about "what are we" and "where are we going."

Older guys are much easier because we know what we want and we're willing to admit it.

Logorithim · Answer

I think there are two general cases in which men don't commit. One, he has lots of options (or thinks he does) and thus does not want to commit to a woman, at least not right now. Two, from his perspective, it doesn't make sense to commit to a woman who is willing to commit to him, e. g., she is a single parent (or maybe both are), or he has suffered financially and/or emotionally from previous committed relationships.

coachTanthony · Answer

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Apope16 · Answer

Because we as men have been used and manipulated by women. We are tired of being viewed as a material resource like we are your property asset value.

Why have commitment when you can just have sex or FWB?

Allie_Oops · Answer

I have no idea. I've never met a single guy who actually wanted commitment at all. Just sex.

hellionthesagereborn · Answer

For the same reason women hate to give sex up to just anybody, its costly. Sex has the potential of being incredibly costly to a woman with the pregnancy and the years of child rearing. For men its not. However the inverse happens in a relationship, he has to provide for her himself and any resulting offspring, that means he is working more providing more doing more, he has less freedom and has significantly greater responsibilities. So its not that men hate commitment its that we view commitment the same way women view casual sex i. e. you better be worth it because its a very steep price we are paying. As for why it seems like this today more then ever, women don't provide anything in relationships anymore, generally speaking of course. We constantly talk about how men are lazy and don't help around the house leaving everything to be done by the "poor" woman (never mind that studies have shown that men work slightly more then women over all), men pay for everything still have their role as provider and protector but now women are not expected to be nurturers (which men need, they need women for the intimacy both physical and emotional) they expect the man to pay but then get pissed off that the guy expects sex i. e. he has to give to her but she doesn't have to give anything back to him. He has to work, she doesn't have to cook. Things like that its very one sided, men are not appreciated in any way currently in our society so many men have given up and decided that since women are being more lax with sex that its just easier to get sex then it is to put in all that effort into a relationship that will not get them what they really need, hell women don't even feel the need to give him sex so its actually easier to get sex outside of a relationship then in one (which is really sad). In short men are naturally more choosy when it comes to relationships as its much more costly to them, however its been made worse because women refuse to give anything in return making a relationship all responsibility and no reward thus ensuring men avoid "commitment"(really a one sided deal where women benefit and men don't) like the plague. Of course most women won't admit to this because we live in a society that holds women up so high and cares about what they want so much more that the thought that men might actually have wants and needs is almost a foreign concept.

DodgersGM · Answer

I'd say it's two main things (and no, one of them isn't "loss of freedom" -- that only really happens if you stay committed to a crazed, clingy psychopath who's got no life outside of the relationship).

There are certainly more reasons than these, but I'd say this is the heart of it.

1. He's just not that into you. This applies to both genders, of course, but men in particular will "hang out" with you without committing for a long ass time if he kinda/sorta likes you and he's getting sex on the the regular. It takes a special woman -- or more importantly, a special type of connection -- for us to hitch our wagon to your post.

2. Fear. Yes, fear. I'll be the first to admit that both genders deal with a lot of bullshit, but one of the main issues men deal with is the social expectation that we be strong 24/7. What women don't typically realize is that men save most of their emotional expression for romantic partners -- and even at that, it only occurs with those we feel the most intimate and safest being vulnerable with. Unfortunately, most relationships end in breakup -- that's just the nature of the beast -- which leaves men more heartbroken than you can probably imagine (again, we're talking about committed dudes who truly fell in love). So not only are we experiencing heartbreak over losing the one we loved, but we're also experiencing the loss of our emotional outlet, making the problem exponential. This causes men to retreat from further commitment, I think.

TheShadowS · Answer

It really depends on your age, as we are younger, and more social, commitment seems to be a scary concept. You are charging into something you don't understand, especially since we as men, don't have the benefit of being more in tune with our emotions, we tend to have more complications, understanding what is good with a commitment, and so we stay from it. You must also give the understanding, that we were evolved to forward the species. You could say it's a social misconduct, but we were meant to play forward, and make as many children as possible, note, I am not saying it is right, I am pointing out simple facts.
You may also take into account, that, for some of us, including women, commitment, just seems, to be the most difficult thing. We all have arguments, but within a relationship, this could have detrimental effects, especially in the early twenties, when hormones are even more active, than at any other point, and when we are still going through a rebellious stage in our life. It's only in the late twenties do commitments become easy.

Smudgination · Answer

I dont think guys hate commitment, it's just that women have a tendency to expect men to do all the work of steering things and keeping them happy, because that's how the early phase of every relationship starts, women getting out-treated and spoiled, to overshadow all her other options... So already right from the start, the effort that goes into the relationship is unbalanced, and then after a serious commitment, women can have a tendency to take the one-sided dynamic as the default nature of the relationship, they get too comfortable with this power imbalance, and it makes them lazy and blind to the work that has to go into making a relationship living and breathing.. If a woman just wants to get their ego fed through narrative of commitment, so she can tap into how it was in the beginning: its totally unsustainable, because that only lasts as long as she is treating herself like a commodity that many people are interested in bidding on. It's this original foundation of her tapping into her market-value that poisons the basis of achieving a healthy commitment: where both partners might otherwise be equal contributers to participating with proper care and respect to each other's internal reality, and openly negotiating how best to help the other through the navigating life with a shared reality (intimacy by communicating).

normalice · Answer

Men don't hate commitment, they simply aren't eager to rush into it. I think the reason for this is largely because they tend to take commitment overly seriously.

If guys like a band or movie, they remain loyal to it 'forever.' Girls tend to change their allegiances on a whim. Guys see that and are uncertain that commitment means the same thing to girls as it does to guys. For guys, agreeing to commit to something is usually unconditional. But when girls commit it's more a "commitment to change it." That seems like the opposite of commitment to most men, so it's confusing.

Additionally, men like sex. And more importantly, they want to believe that they have sexual appeal. If a girl requires a commitment before considering having sex with a guy, it means the guy does not have sufficient sexual appeal to override the girl's interest in a commitment.

I would actually equate the two - men want sex exactly as women want commitment, and women want sex exactly as men want commitment. Women don't "hate" sex - they just don't want to think they're only being used for their body. Men don't "hate" commitment, they just don't want to think they're >not< being used for their body.

JoeH57 · Answer

I think it’s the Nature of the Beast, for the most part, its how males are wired. Take the animal kingdom, ok we aren’t animals perse’, hear me out. In the animal kingdom, for the most part males seek females, they must battle other males for the right to mate. Once the mating is done, the male generally moves on, ie elephants, tigers. Men not committing can be for a number of reasons, immaturity (thinking they are God’s gift to women, which is Horse Crap), it can for career reasons. On the other hand, women are wired much differently. Females are wired to want a husband, they want kids, its all a part of their maternal wiring. There are a number of reasons why men do what we do and women the same.
If you enjoy reading my chance, there was a popular book out back in the early 90’s called “Men are from Mars Women are from Venus.” I think the author’s name is John Grey, I think. Check it out, it explains the extreme differences between men and women. It explains that men and women are from distinct planets—men from Mars and women from Venus. One example is men's complaint that if they offer solutions to problems that women bring up in conversation, the women are not necessarily interested in solving those problems, but mainly want to talk about them.

WhistleForTheChoir · Answer

I want nothing more than to commit. I've never got a woman I went on a date with to commit to me, and I've been on a lot of dates and tried very hard.

It's not even "most" guys. It's just most of the really attractive ones, but those are the ones that you pay more attention to, so it seems like "most guys". You're not thinking about any of the ugly guys in committed relationships or the shy guys who desperately want to be in one. Subconsciously, you don't see men who are substandard as "real men". The same way when men think of "women" monolithically, they're not thinking of the average woman, i. e. around 40 years old, overweight, wrinkles, etc. They're thinking of attractive women, because those are the ones they notice more.

And the reason that the majority of attractive men don't want to commit should be pretty obvious. Because each of them are being chased by 5-6 women a piece, so why the hell would they ever feel like they NEEDED to commit to anyone. Someone is ALWAYS going to care about them, give them sex, listen to their problems, etc. They can get the relationship experience from a different woman every night of the week if they want.

Furthermore, in regards to your question "why do most guys take pride..." Because having more sexual partners makes men more attractive. Masculinity and a man's "value" is very much tied up in his sexual appetites and his ability to have sexual conquests. So ironically, this "Player" mentality makes guys more masculine, more noticeable and therefore more attractive lol. It's just part of the game I suppose.

wastedaway · Answer

Most guys think the more girls they're with makes them better like conquests. To some guys sleeping with different women is a game... But that is not about commitment. As I was growing up I was taught the importance of being honest and that my word is a mans bond. So comparing sleeping around and commitment is kind of hard to do because if you sleep with someone that u barely know, we can't commit to someone unless we are sure we can honor our word. It's kind of messed up. If you want a guy to commit, then you must be able to let them leave, at least at first. And while they are going out, u go out. Even if you just tell them u are, I guarantee that most guys will check up. If they don't then let them go. That's usually all it takes is a supposed girls night out or two, and they won't be able to stand it. Now that being said, I was referring to new couples that really don't know much about each other.
If you have known each other for a while, then u should know by then What the other wants. Basic commitment issues can stem from an absent father to promiscuous mothet, or other things in that persons life.
Also the right guy may seem scared of commitment because he knows what a big deal it is. And while they aren't quite ready to give up their Saturday and Sunday watching sports, they aren't out cheating. U can't give ultimatums, but u can call his hand. Like I said, if he is going out, u go out. And if he doesn't at least call and check on you then I'd let his ass go anyway.

genericname85 · Answer

lots of guys just wanna have fun. if you found a nice girl and things are easy and comfy, then why would you go and force him to commit? xD him sticking around should be enough commitment for you. yeah at some point you can think about marriage but why would you be so eager to force things before that?

just as food for thought: him "committing" doesn´t give you any more security than being with a fuck boy. cause claiming he'll stay with you or not doesn't force him to do anything. he could still go fuck that other girl right now. "commitment" without marriage isn't binding.

JapaneseMario · Answer

The fact that you have generalized most of the men to be players and cheaters is so biased, every human being is different and entitled to an unique opinion, while some of which might be accepting and others not but that doesn't make it wrong. There are many girls that are the same the way you described men to be, and there are many girls that do cheat, which doesn't sound so great, does it?

But here's the deal, I have a girlfriend and I love her unconditionally and for the time span I have been with her I have never been happier and never even thought about someone else. I totally committed to her and that wasn't very difficult for me. But that doesn't make all guys right. There is a theory however vague but I think it enlightens a guys thought process. There are most of the men that we're really ugly and miserable before puberty hit them or they just fed up and took matters into hands and did something about themselves, but in that period of time, none of the girls would wanna go out with them, and none would even look at them twice and as soon as they transformed into something gorgeous or rich or a celebrity, suddenly all the girls come flocking. Which makes them overwhelmed and it's difficult to keep up and so the guy turns into a player. And if this isn't true there is always a possibility there is some kind of deep-seated issues making him do that to him or he is just a douche. But not all guys are the same and many would love to be in a committed relationship.

LemonT · Answer

Personally, I wouldn't say "most" guys because it really depends on the kind of guys you are dealing with. Those who do think commitment is awful do so because there's no real risk to being a player vs being the boyfriend. The player gets all the freedom he wants while being able to have anyone he wants. Having many girls means you don't have to rely and trust in any particular one of them because they have backups. A boyfriend who is rejected or dumped by his girlfriend is devastated and on his own while a player who loses one girl will more often than not have other options. Basically, guys like that hate commitment because they see it as an unnecessary risk where you put all your romantic investment (Time, energy, money, etc) into a single person and if that doesn't work out you lose all that you invested. Whereas being a player insures that your investments are spread out and if anything doesn't work out you are neither devastated (Since you didn't invest most or everything to begin with) nor are you on your own as you have several backup relationships or girls to fall back on. Basically, some guys hate commitment because it's not safe to put all their eggs in one basket. It's too risky to romantically limit yourself to one person and put effort into something that may leave you devastated if it fails when there is a much safer and less risky alternative.

Onlythisone · Answer

Because they are entitled and think they owe it to women to teach them a lesson without realizing the effects or that their original notions were based on reality TV anyways. They want to treat women like shit because of some confused notion that women have it easier. Oh and in the 80s some women said they don't need men so you know... Revenge. the root cause: Men used to be constrained by society, when they did something wrong shame and an asskicking would follow. That doesn't exist anymore so they are powderkegs of rage and self pity waiting to go off and with no one to stop them why not cause as much destruction as possible.

So you can: become like them and continue the cycle of destruction. Learn to like being alone. Switch to the other side. Or learn how to stay out of the blast radius.

truthbeknown · Answer

At your age there are girls and life experiences every time they turn around. Also, in this day and age of social media, it is way too easy to contact and hook up with other people for those experiences. For younger guys, that is their priority and focus. All they care about is the next party and next fuck without any attached responsibility. If you want something serious, try an older guy who is past this phase.

Margillard · Answer

It is a defensive strategy.
It is a response to changes in law that have disadvantaged men, as well as almost 60 years of unrelenting hatred that has been vomited over men by Feminists.
Men have done a rational cost/risk/benefit analysis and reached an evidence-based conclusion that interaction of any type with females (especially romantic/sexual interaction) is too much legal and financial risk.
Hence, the only way for men to win is to not play the game.
Men withdraw from the field and walk away.
70% of men aged between 18-35 are single.
The current birth rate is at an all time low since the 1800's

Mrnumbers · Answer

The same argument can be said for females as well. In fact, I believe both sexes in general are graviting more towards casual relationships without a long term commitment (i. e. marriage). More and more, young adults are more interested in hooking up, one night stands, and casual dating. I've had several friends (both female and male), cheated on by their SO; whether it'd be at a party, or secret/deceptive relationship formed through snapchat or texting. Especially on this culture (hookup), people can't handle having sexual relationships with only one individual when they previously have been with multiple partners.

On the contrary, people who haven't had multiple relationships might feel like they haven't experimented enough, so beinh tied down to one person makes them feel like they're "missing out." It sucks that this is what our world has come to, but people are lacking commitment and love because of our hook up culture. Nobody is wanting to be tied down.

Why do guys HATE commitment?

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