Why do guys HATE commitment?

Why do guys HATE commitment?

I'm not intending to generalize, but why do most guys take pride in cheating and having many girls?
Most of them love to play the role of "The Player" instead of the boyfriend.
why is commitment such an awful thing to them?
OMG people! everyone is attacking me over a question i made out of boredom and curiosity, relax ! pheeew
I'm also not trying to make a guy commit ( where the hell did most of you get that idea from)
anyway, i made this question because me and a group or guy friends were discussing it and they all had bad things to say about the idea of commitment so i wanted to know the opinion of other guys and girls about the matter


Most Helpful Guy

  • Most of my life I couldn't even face dating someone if I didn't plan on trying to get close enough to spend my life with them. I didn't understand how people could date casually, and even though I do now, if I find someone I love I wanna spend as much time with them as I can, especially if that includes the rest of my life


Most Helpful Girl

  • Some guys are like that... some aren't.

    If you go out with a guy for a while (like say a few months) & he is not willing to commit (even just a little, like as an exclusive boyfriend)... Then just move on. He aparently has that "grass is greener on the other side" complex... and no matter how beautiful, personable, & intelligent you are, he is still thinking there may be someone out there better for him... It has nothing to do with you or what you think you may be lacking.

    When you run into that, it's just best to move on. Moving on creates one of two outcomes. One, he will see how he really loves you and commit. Two, he will just go on with his life and you can finally move on with yours. Either outcome is really better for you than staying with him.

    Don't worry, some guy out there will see how great of a catch you are and be willing to commit... without you having to worry him about it. That guy will actually be worth it.

    • She's right don't blame yourself, but also understand there's a good chance he just doesn't want to date "you"

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Have an opinion?

What Guys Said 476

  • Many men are just fine with commitment, but many are not.

    Most men are different from most women in that men want and can enjoy sex with many different women and don't necessarily need an emotional connection with the women. That difference strongly influences everything below.

    Commitment and even marriage once benefitted men and women approximately the same, but the many feminist changes to our society, while good in many ways, has largely removed all of the benefits for men, while giving women even more. Men are increasingly aware that they are a poor deal for men, and given that they are no longer necessary to get sex, more men are choosing not to commit.

    Also, it needs to be realized that the men that most women want - the top 5 or 10% - have so many women throwing themselves at them that virtually all of them take full advantage by sleeping with lots of them. Going after a guy like that and expecting commitment is naive and foolish.

    But, here is the question that almost no woman ever seems to have asked themselves (and rarely have an answer to):

    What benefits will a man gain - things that matter to MEN - in return for giving up his highly valued time and freedom? What do you have to offer him that is worth the trade?

    • Nailed it. Well said.

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    • this is spot on. I always tell my friends, "be the kind of person your dream man/woman deserves." I think this applies to anyone. Man or woman. Gay or straight. If you aren't every bit as beautiful, intelligent, interesting, mature, and stable as the man you are chasing, he has no reason to commit to you.

    • OP nailed this.

  • Most guys don't hate the idea of commitment. Young guys talk macho smack to score points with other young macho guys, and that includes saying that they will never get serious in a relationship, etc., blah, blah, blah. They don't want to having any interest in commitment, but they are willing to commit. You just need to sneak up on them and let them fall in love with you before you have too many TALKS about "what are we" and "where are we going."

    Older guys are much easier because we know what we want and we're willing to admit it.

    • There are young guys like me, single and ready to mingle. Yet so far i don't see almost any potentials being single.

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    • I think I'll just take the [Be Yourself] route.

    • @Unit1 The point is that, as you get older, being yourself has nothing to do with your appearance. You may not understand that at your age; I doubt that I would have understood it. I have gone from long haor and a beard to short hair and clean shaven in later years and I'm still the same person, still comfortable with who I am.

  • I think there are two general cases in which men don't commit. One, he has lots of options (or thinks he does) and thus does not want to commit to a woman, at least not right now. Two, from his perspective, it doesn't make sense to commit to a woman who is willing to commit to him, e. g., she is a single parent (or maybe both are), or he has suffered financially and/or emotionally from previous committed relationships.

  • ⓣⓗⓔⓨ ⓓⓞⓝ'ⓣ ⓗⓐⓣⓔ ⓘⓣ... ⓣⓗⓔⓡⓔ ⓙⓤⓢⓣ ⓝⓞⓣ ⓡⓔⓐⓓⓨ ⓕⓞⓡ ⓘⓣ.

  • At your age there are girls and life experiences every time they turn around. Also, in this day and age of social media, it is way too easy to contact and hook up with other people for those experiences. For younger guys, that is their priority and focus. All they care about is the next party and next fuck without any attached responsibility. If you want something serious, try an older guy who is past this phase.

    • well all the guys i dated are +25
      but i definitely appreciate your opinion, it makes sense

    • When I was younger, most guys partied and fucked around until about 25 or so. Then they started to focus on more serious things in life such as careers, making good money and serious assets like nice cars and homes which required a more responsible lifestyle. More guys were also focused on settling down and starting a serious relationship and possibly a starting a family. I think that age has gone up quite a bit in the last 20 years and guys in their mid 20's are still in the party phase.

  • For the same reason women hate to give sex up to just anybody, its costly. Sex has the potential of being incredibly costly to a woman with the pregnancy and the years of child rearing. For men its not. However the inverse happens in a relationship, he has to provide for her himself and any resulting offspring, that means he is working more providing more doing more, he has less freedom and has significantly greater responsibilities. So its not that men hate commitment its that we view commitment the same way women view casual sex i. e. you better be worth it because its a very steep price we are paying. As for why it seems like this today more then ever, women don't provide anything in relationships anymore, generally speaking of course. We constantly talk about how men are lazy and don't help around the house leaving everything to be done by the "poor" woman (never mind that studies have shown that men work slightly more then women over all), men pay for everything still have their role as provider and protector but now women are not expected to be nurturers (which men need, they need women for the intimacy both physical and emotional) they expect the man to pay but then get pissed off that the guy expects sex i. e. he has to give to her but she doesn't have to give anything back to him. He has to work, she doesn't have to cook. Things like that its very one sided, men are not appreciated in any way currently in our society so many men have given up and decided that since women are being more lax with sex that its just easier to get sex then it is to put in all that effort into a relationship that will not get them what they really need, hell women don't even feel the need to give him sex so its actually easier to get sex outside of a relationship then in one (which is really sad). In short men are naturally more choosy when it comes to relationships as its much more costly to them, however its been made worse because women refuse to give anything in return making a relationship all responsibility and no reward thus ensuring men avoid "commitment"(really a one sided deal where women benefit and men don't) like the plague. Of course most women won't admit to this because we live in a society that holds women up so high and cares about what they want so much more that the thought that men might actually have wants and needs is almost a foreign concept.

  • They don't, but if you are looking for commitment from guys who are players , fuckbois or love hookups, then you are looking for the wrong thing in the wrong place to start with.

    • Just to make it clear, not blaming you
      Just thought that it was an interesting topic to discus since everyone has a different opinion

  • I dont think guys hate commitment, it's just that women have a tendency to expect men to do all the work of steering things and keeping them happy, because that's how the early phase of every relationship starts, women getting out-treated and spoiled, to overshadow all her other options... So already right from the start, the effort that goes into the relationship is unbalanced, and then after a serious commitment, women can have a tendency to take the one-sided dynamic as the default nature of the relationship, they get too comfortable with this power imbalance, and it makes them lazy and blind to the work that has to go into making a relationship living and breathing.. If a woman just wants to get their ego fed through narrative of commitment, so she can tap into how it was in the beginning: its totally unsustainable, because that only lasts as long as she is treating herself like a commodity that many people are interested in bidding on. It's this original foundation of her tapping into her market-value that poisons the basis of achieving a healthy commitment: where both partners might otherwise be equal contributers to participating with proper care and respect to each other's internal reality, and openly negotiating how best to help the other through the navigating life with a shared reality (intimacy by communicating).

    • Many women say they want commitment, but de facto, what they mean is, they want a crutch to lean on, and lack maturity to offer anything other than demands and expectations, and one-sided accountability for all the concerns of life, and yet more than equal access to benefits its his duty to provide: this is what "commitment" translates as to many women, indentured servitude on her terms, and no room for him to negotiate his remorse over this raw deal that he is expected to be grateful for bearing the weight of.

      Commitment is literally defeat and self-compromise in the modern mainstream context, it makes women happy because they get a lot of power, and men have almost no room to ask women to alter their attitudes, its like the perfect way for a woman to check mate a king into immobilized defeat: of course the common opinion is "hate", most women are not mature enough to have a commitment to, they've been too spoiled by men they've learnt to target expectations and extractions from.

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    • When you refuse to offer gratitude for a guy who wants to pay, it will likely be interpreted as a prelude for a rough time of having your masculine dignity trampled or imposed upon, by critical over-sharing or an expectations monolog on the horizon, and it implies that you're not willing or interested in learning about his style of discernment, to go with his flow of behavior just so you can work out if you trust his way of navigating issues, challenging before offering open questions: which makes it seem like your not interested in trusting a man, and just looking to aquire a piece of masculine furniture into an already constructed life. I'm not talking out of my own experience, I can't afford to pay for my dates meals, lol, I don't go on dates xD

    • Yeah, I think most of us can tell😉

  • Maybe the most attractive men fit this. But the majority of us can’t even be what you described. It’s your choice in men that makes you believe this. Sorry, the hot guys won’t settle down for you or any other woman. If you want a good man you have to lower your standards from players and fuckboys “down” to someone good. Boom. Problem solved.

    Men have the same problem in reverse. Want a beautiful woman but won’t date on his level, aka, fat greasy nerd for example.

  • I personally love being the boyfriend but the only men women seem to go after is the player. Wonen look at guys who throw thier money and looks around while ignoring the men who work so hard just to make you happy, and then wonder why the men who are good don't want to date women like them. It's about respect, and if you only respect me for what I can do for you, not who I am, I won't be respecting you at all.

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What Girls Said 71

  • I have no idea. I've never met a single guy who actually wanted commitment at all. Just sex.

    • There are always guys who are ready to commit, you just don't see through them and label ask guys jerks

    • @mrmxyzptlk I didn't call anyone a jerk, now did I? I said I haven't met a single, as in 'not in a relationship' guy, who wanted commitment. Learn to read and write for that matter.

  • It’s not that they don’t want commitment, they just haven’t met the person who they think is worth it.

    I dated a guy like that, he wants a commitment - he just didn’t want it from me. So he dates around because he hasn’t found anyone he wants to give up single life for.

    It sucks and it hurt like hell, but it doesn’t make him a bad person or a player. I just wasn’t what he wanted.

    • Perfect!

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    • I think she means “right one” being the one who truly loves you and wants you, not what you can give them them financially.

      The person who sees you and still wants to be with you, even when you are being a stupid shit, who sees your annoying habits and doesn’t care that you have a weird laugh or that you bounce your leg up and down when you have to sit still for more than five minutes. Because to them, your annoying habits don’t matter as much as everything else about else about you.

      Instead of the person who looks at you and says “what can you do for me”.

    • I understand

  • "I'm not intending to generalize, but..."

    Sure. Indiana University research found about 19% of women and 23% of men cheat. Regional studies may differ somewhat in specific percentages, but overall, the gap between men and women cheating isn't that big, nor does any research indicate "most" guys cheat, let alone "take pride" in it. You also can't know *why* there's a bit of a gender gap in the amount of cheating. It might just as well be stereotypes about how men and women are "supposed" to function ref sexuality that influence behaviour rather than hard-wired differences.
    Recent evolutionary anthropology reseacrh by Selza, in line with other evolutionary research on human sexual behaviour in the last 30 years, also suggests this idea we have of men as the "hunters" and women as the "huntees" when it comes to mating, is a false dichotomy and that both male and female humans engaged in "multiple mating" and actively seeking out a versatility of partners.

    As far as commitment goes, several recent Pew Research reports have found men and women to be equally likely to want to get married, equally indicate love as an important reason to get married, and equally indicate a successful marriage to be one of the most important things in their lives. Research by McClintock additionally indicates men and women currently in relationships report equal amounts of commitment,

    2006 research by Kalmijn & Poortman shows women are more likely to initiate divorce than men, 2014 research by Allison and Sayer indicates there is little difference in which spouse has an affair, preceding a divorce.
    The conclusion about this "men fear commitment" stereotype in a recent Psychology Today article was as follows: "The data suggests that commitment, love, and marriage are strongly desired—and good for—both women and men. The “sex wars” over men’s supposed fear of commitment are simply not evident. Undoubtedly, some men do fear or avoid commitment—but so do some women."

    So congratulations. Your attempt not to generalize has resulted in little more than generalizing, unsubstantiated stereotypes that find no support whatsoever in scientific research. The only base for any of this is hearsay, assumptions, bs stereotypical nonsense you've been fed and saw strengthened through a nifty little mechanism called "confirmation bias".

    I suggest you rely a bit more on objective data before making wild guesses about reality rather than make blanket statements based on personal biased perception

  • That's a stupid generalization and it isn't even true. You claim you don't want to generalize, but that's exactly what you are doing. Most guys don't hate commitment, some guys are just young or immature and don't want to settle down because they know they don't have to at that point in their life. Maybe you think all men are players or hate commitment because that's the type of man you attract.

    • Not to generalize but you're ( correct spelling) not like most 18 year old women, and in my non professional opinion, you are (didn't use the contraction that time) absolutely correct.

    • Preach.

  • Excuses for themselves because they don't want to grow up. They want to fool around and play the field because Society tells them it's okay to do so instead of being serious. Society tells you have sex before marriage do whatever it is that you want to do. Don't get married so early go to college get a job financially build yourself then decide if you want to get married. And they tell you to get married in your late twenties early thirties which is the wrong thing to be doing. And then they ain't getting them cells involved with porn which both males and females already doing young and old. And then there's the parents who listens to what Society tells them to do and they don't get involved in their kids lives anymore. And if you do then you're an abusive parent, highly strict, untrusting, have mental issues or my favorite one a 'helicopter parent'. That is why you have to know what type of person is right for you and what type of person is not. That also includes what type of behavior and character is acceptable within your presence. So therefore if you are a person who takes relationship seriously do not get yourself involved with a person who does the opposite of what you believe. Unless they have logical reasons as to why they don't want to commit then they have no business to be dating let alone trying to be involved the person in the first place. To be honest that's my major pet peeve when it comes down to people because they fool around with others emotions, it's bad enough to have sex with people they have no business having sex with but they'll do it anyway. And at the same time the one that's going to end up hurt is you. This is why I chose to be celibate today and not so called single or called abstinent.

    Remember that everybody has a choice and they can cheat if they choose to. There was no law against cheating and nobody's going to hold him accountable for it so what is there for them to do when there's no benefit according to them? It's sad the way people choose to date and try to get you to do the same thing today is highly atrocious.

    • Wow not even in the ballpark! No offense.

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    • And again, that's bad. Because you should be well aware of what you need in a partner in order for you to succeed. Otherwise, your bound to fail again. But it's your choice.

    • I'm in a much better place now as far as knowing what I want

  • Men need to feel like they 'choose' not that they got trapped with no way out... if he is the instigator then he 'choose' to be loyal

  • Commitment, for any gender, is a tough decision and a very big step.
    True, females seek it more than males most of the time, but that's not always the case.
    Sometimes the problem is in maturity, sometimes it's about painful past.
    At the end, if two are right for each other, then things usually work out. If they're not, however, then commitment perhaps isn't even the right thing.
    All in all, just because you say your intention isn't to generalise, it doesn't mean you aren't doing it.

  • Some guys are general douchebags and hate having to deal with someone else's problem as well. They rather just be happy with flings and enjoying themselves.

    As anyone would, life has ups and downs, and when their partner shows any sign of unhappiness, they decide not to deal with it and move on to the next to keep a constant high.

    I see it as their own coping mechanism. A very negative one at that.

  • I dont think its right for this to be expressed to men only. Females fear commitment too. Not speaking for myself. I would love to settle down and have children. It just takes timing

    • Thanks, you didn't do it but I admire the fact that you recognize that not only men does it

  • In my relationship with my boyfriend, I'm actually the one who's not as ready for a commitment as my partner is.

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