Is it better to not tell my boyfriend that I cheated on him?

Question

I know i did bad, feel free to call me names. So yesterday there was a big party, and my boyfriend didn't want to go because he had a bad headache, so i told him i won't go either but then my friends talked me into going. So i went to the party and my ex that i used to date like 2 years ago was there, and well we all drank a lot, i normally dont drink, but i was just hammered, and i didn't want my boyfriend to see my like this, so my ex offered me that i can stay at his place overnight. But he only has 1 bed and doesn't even have a couch so he said i will have to sleep with him in the bed, normally of course i would tell him nice try or something but i was so drunk i just wanted to lie somewhere and he promised he wouldn't try anything. Well... one thing lead to another and we had sex. I feel terrible about what i did, and of course the second i left my exes house i was going to confess to my boyfriend because i felt super guilty, but then i tought about this.

Could it be better to just not tell him ever, to spare him the pain?

My boyfriend always hated my ex because he always writes on my facebook and instagram and everything, and he was always super scared that i would cheat on him with my ex or that i would leave him for my ex, and i always promised to him that i would never cheat, and especially not with my exboyfriend because he really isn't boyfriend material, he is a selfish jerk. I know that my boyfriend deserves to know but it will hurt him so much, and i dont want to hurt him, i love him and i care about him a lot, he means so much to me, i want him to be happy and to be able to trust me. So i tought i could just say stayed overnight at one of my friends house. What do you guys think? i know he deserves to know, but is the pain really worth it? i dont want him to think im some kind of cheating slut, i want him to be happy

yucychan · Accepted Answer

Why? Why? Of all things...
I know what is it like to be overly drunk. I do drink. I have had hangovers before. I threw up a lot. And also partied hard after that. But no matter how badly drunk I am, I still have control. I definitely know what I'm doing at all times and I'm always on the lookout for my friends.
So your defense of being too hammered doesn't go well with me at all. You said you and your ex were too drunk that time, but obviously both of you were still sober enough to have sex with each other. You definitely was sober enough to make way to go over to his house (did he drive or did you drove to his house? In your drunken state?)
So be honest with yourself. I believed that you still have some feelings for your ex, and you still want him. Being drunk is just an excuse and you know it.
And now after cheating on him, you still want to lie and say that you were overnight at another friend's house? You are just making things worse and worse. And you are being really unfair to him.
He will know about it sooner or later, and it would be best that you confessd and apologized. And yes, you are right, this incident will scarred him badly, he'll probably never look at a relationship the same again and may have trust issues. But at least there's no more hiding and secrets. My only concern is that I'm afraid that he can't take the betrayal and try to hurt himself. So you must be very careful on this.

MeganJam999 · Accepted Answer

But... why an EX BOYFRIEND... if the cheating must happen,- cheat on him with some random guy... his friends, his best friend, HELL CHEAT ON HIM WITH HIS BROTHER BUT LITTERALY ANY PERSON IS LEES hurtful, then to cheat with an EX boyfriend that he specificaly hates because he is afraid that you will cheat on him, and you did. THAT 1 SPECIFIC DICK HE PRAYED YOU WOULD NEVER FUCK, and you fucked exactly THAT 1...

but to answer your question, NEVER TELL HIM. i know everyone will give me shit and tumbs down, dont care. NEVER. TELL. HIM. EVER. take this secret beyond your grave. No one needs to endure this kind of pain, i think he could actually kill himself from this, no joke. Here is what you do

A: if you are 100% sure that you can control yourself from now on and you never fuck around anymore, stay with him, dont tell him. Let him belive you are the faithful girl he can trust, if he never learns the truth, it will never hurt him.

B: if you think there is a chance that you will continue having sex with other guys, or your ex, break up with him. One note, you wrote your ex still lusts after you. He might tell your boyfriend to break you two up, or even worse, blackmail you that he will tell your boyfriend that you cheated unless you keep sleeping with him. Its entirely possible i actually witnessed such a thing in real life, one of my best friends had an ex that did that.

BigDaddyDanie · Accepted Answer

ok then imagine in a different way, he finds out through your ex or someone else how do you think it would make him feel? either way it's going to hurt and whats done is done and you can't go back so just sit him down and talk about it and he might get mad but can you blame him? it's better to be honest you don't want to have dishonesty in your relationship. it was a mistake and you know it is and tell him that it was and that your sorry and just talk it out man you never know what will happen, reverse the situation how would you feel if he cheated and never told you? wouldn't you like to know?

AliasGrace · Accepted Answer

Alright I am going to be the odd woman out on this I'm sure, but...

If it was an honest mistake made in the heat of the moment in a drunken stupor, and it isn't going to continue on... I wouldn't tell him. Sorry I just don't think it's that big of a deal.

Logorithim · Accepted Answer

I going to assume you had a good relationship with your current boyfriend. Keep that in mind when you read my coments below.
On one had it seems very unfair to your boyfriend to no longer have a girlfriend due to something that was not at all his fault, which would argue for keeping quiet, but that is enormously outweighed by the downsides of not telling him.

Above all, you'd be living a lie, a lie of omission, and with something as serious as cheating, there cannot be a lie of omission. Above all that is unfair to him, but you'd also have to live with it, and that is hard to do (unless you're a sociopath, which clearly you're not). Furthermore, it's not for certain that your boyfriend would never find out that you cheated on him. Imagine the reaction when he finds out from a third party.

You have to tell him face-to-face and face the music. None of us knows how he'll react and whether he'd dump you right away, but none of us would blame him for doing it. However, if you want any chance of overcoming what you did and staying with him, you have to tell him and show him how sorry you are (that is going to take some time, even if he gives you another chance).

Something else to be Aware of is that it's often the case that even when a cheater is forgiven, that they are not fully or truly forgiven, which can cause difficulties even if you are taken back.

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

Ok, so just a couple of questions first: prior to cheating, which guy would you say was better in bed--your current boyfriend or your ex? Secondly, how was the sex with your ex? Did it live up to or exceed your expectations? Third, did you use a condom or did you have sex bareback? And lastly, did you only have sex once, or did you go for multiple rounds?

Pinay_ako · Answer

If you want him to be happy, let him go. You messed up yes but telling him the truth will set you both free.

winterfox10 · Answer

Oh god, you screwed up in the messiest way possible too... So here's the way I see your situation: This happened in an environment where you were with people you shouldn't have trusted, doing something you shouldn't have been doing. I think your first step should be figuring out what every one knows about that night. People might not know that you went to bed with your Ex... and if that's the case you don't need to tell your boyfriend. But if everyone knows... well... it'll sound better if he hears it from you first.

If you tell him: You're validating your BF's fears, potentially destroying your relationship, but you are also polarizing your boyfriend against your friends (who convinced you to go), and adding more fuel to the dislike between him and your ex. You are proving to him that you basically can't be trusted to behave yourself when you are with the people I mentioned above. Your boyfriend might try to tough things out, but your relationship will NEVER be the same, and you will likely break up with him

If you don't tell him: Your Ex has ammunition now. He can use that your hurt you and your boyfriend. Your friends likely know about the situation, which means that if your boyfriend asks them to independently verify what your Ex tells him; they will either confirm it, or (if they have your back) deny it with an inconsistent story that your boyfriend will likely pick apart. If your Ex is smart, he'll wait until there is weakness in your relationship, and then leak that information.

Philyouup · Answer

No! NO! nO! No! noooooooooooooooooooooooo
The only thing that will happen is that you will crush the fuck out of his heart. You were stupid, but dont make him pay for it with his heart...

If you can't say you would never do it again, then just break up.. Cheating is Horrible for the one cheated on. You have no idea how hurtful and heart breaking it is.

Also, once you cheat, it gets easier to justify cheating.. If you can't say you will never cheat on him again, do you and him a favor and end it. Cheating on somebody that loves you, has no worse deed.
If you tell him.. its over, no more trust, no more respect, no more decency. You may"Fix" things, but it will never really be fixed. Trust will be mutilated.

You can redeem your transgression by not telling him and leaving him if you can't say you woudl never do it again..

if you tell him, your relationship broke up over a cock that you promised you would never ever use.. and your BF's fear be realized and he will look at you as if you were dirt.. even if he says he won't..

Finchie40 · Answer

This is why it's hard to trust people in relationships , I'm not going to knock you and I am not going to support you either because what you did was a very Selfish act and I hoped you learned off this mistake but what you did is going to haunt you for the rest of your relationship with your boyfriend. I think you shouldn't tell your boyfriend but if you care about him you should break up with him cuz it's not fair to him to be involved with someone that wasn't faithful. The truth is your still young and you have a long life ahead of you your better off just staying single because your not capable of being faithful. But if you love your boyfriend your best to just let him go and let him be with someone that will be faithful to him. The other thing also he might eventually find out that you cheated on him so your best to just let him go and not be selfish considering you already proved that you are selfish

ThatPersonOverThere · Answer

It's going to eat away at you if you don't tell him. You're not trying to spare him the pain, you're trying to spare yourself the pain.

Here's how I look at it, but others will of course have different feelings on the matter. If a woman cheats on me and feels horrible and confesses, I may forgive her. If I had to find out, I have to assume that she would have never told me and only feels bad that she was caught; no second chances for that.

Granted it'll never be the same again. He may never be able to fully trust you, or put you in a chastity belt or something like that. Remember the guilt that you're feeling, so that next time you'll be strong enough to make the right decision.

englisc · Answer

Him knowing will hurt him, however you're talking about how you want him to be able to trust you and for him not to think of you as a cheating slut, but that's exactly what you've just done. You've betrayed him in the worst way and gone against your promise, doing the very thing that he was most afraid of. The damage has already been done, you've already done it. You should either tell him or break up with him. To stay with him knowing that you've done this to him and to not tell him because he's a good guy is selfish of you. If you want to spare him the hurt of knowing, break up with him and let him find someone who isn't a cheat.

Tuomaaash · Answer

You have exactly two options: Leave him or tell him
Not telling him is the worst thing you can do. He will find out about it sooner or later and then you have 0 chance of staying with him. If you tell him, he will be really hurt and angry with you, but then again, you already knew that when you had sex with your ex. Just because you were drunk isn´t enough for a person to lose control. You must´ve had something for your ex as you agreed to stay at his place. Just wanting to lay down somewhere is an excuse as you could´ve easily gone home to your boyfriend knowing that him seeing you drunk is far better than him knowing you slept at your ex´s place!

Now is the time to take responsility and act like an adult. Then you will feel the consequences but at least you faced them even though you knew you fucked up big time. I hope you learned your lesson and stay the f away from your ex from now on.

HotJealousy · Answer

You made a mistake, tell him, but don't expect the relationship to continue, especially if it was pretty obvious the ex was still into you. If you tell him now, there's a 5% chance he won't leave you on the spot, if you don't tell him and he finds out another way in a months time, he'll be gone before you can say sorry.

Personally, i believe you should tell him, then break up with him, because let's be honest, cheating is the biggest break of trust and a relationship can't work after it.

Being drunk isn't an excuse, you put yourself in that situation by accepting to drink too much, accepting to go back to his, accepting to get into bed with him and accepting to have sex. You could have stopped at any point in that cycle. If you truly loved your boyfriend it wouldn't have taken until the morning after to realise it was wrong.

Classicallycool · Answer

Being drunk isn't an excuse you broke his trust. Its even worse that you promised him you wouldn't cheat on him with your ex and then you did anyway. Honestly you dont deserve to be in a relationship if you cheated. There are 2 things you can do tell him or break up with him. He deserves to know but doesn't deserve the trust issues cheating can cause. You need to take responsibility for your selfish actions.

pleasestopthis · Answer

Spare him the pain? WTF are you talking about, girl? He's with a little girl who doesn't deserve an inch of his trust, so he eventually will find out anyways and he'll be extremely hurt.
Tell him now and let things go with the flow. You should at least give him the change of leaving or forgiving you.

lastchancemotel · Answer

If you wanted him to be happy you wouldn't have done what you did. You call your ex selfish but I see it both ways here. He definitely has the right to know, and the longer you hide it, the harder it's going to be, because if he ever finds out... Hold on... WHEN he finds out, the longer it's been the more teouble

g_gabriel · Answer

I don't believe this. You don't feel terrible in that way at all for what you did. You just "feel terrible" to not let your friends know about that and then to make them see you as a whore (or other synonyms), to be gossipped and so on and so forth. You can't be that drunk to not know what you're doing and if you'd be that drunk then you couldn't remember shit the next day. Stop lying yourself and the others.

SkyeBlue · Answer

Okay, so you were "hammered" and he had sex with you? According to the law in America you were unable to consent to sex at all and they consider it rape. Don't assume that your ex will keep his mouth shut, so it would be better if your boyfriend hears it from you. Good luck.

Anonymous · Answer

You and your ex are cut from the same cloth. He is a selfish jerk and so are you. He cheated with you knowing you had a boyfriend, and you did the same. Regret doesn't change any of that. Your boyfriend deserves to know and you deserve to lose him, and that is exactly what should happen. Hopefully you will learn from your mistake and become a better person in the future.

The only good thing I can say about all of this is that at least you are not claiming your ex raped you because you were drunk, like most women would today. Though perhaps that is only because you don;t want your boyfriend to find out.

simonqq · Answer

Firstly, being drunk is no excuse but it surely makes your impulse control worse.

If you don't tell him you are being selfish because it will spare you from trouble. Even if I would be very hurt I would want to know. Hiding this will only make you feel worse as well. You will know what horrible thing you did but he won't.

You need to tell him.

Relationships when young usually don't last very long because of bad impulse control and the lust we have and because we change a lot in those years.

lostgirl_searching · Answer

Please tell him, yes he will be hurt but he will move on. He won't move on with you though, but he will move on and find someone else. Don't let him think that he can trust you and think you are faithful, or saying how much he loves you. He needs to know the truth.
Also being drunk is just an excuse. On my 21st birthday I was " hammered " but I still knew better not to do anything stupid to ruin my relationship or anything like that.

StraightGuy998 · Answer

It all depends where you think it is going with the guy that you are with now. If you are thinking that you might get married and think you can keep the secret till your grave, then go ahead a keep it. If there is the slightest chance it will come up through something else then tell him now. I would rather be told upfront by the person instead of learning it from someone else years later.

AD240pCharlie · Answer

Just reverse the question.
If he was the one who made the same mistake; he went to a party without you because you weren't feeling well, he got way too wasted for his own good, and he felt just as bad about it afterwards.
Would YOU want him to tell you or would you want to know about it? Sure, if you never find out about it, then it obviously cannot hurt you, but would you want him to be honest with you?

GinaTina · Answer

tell him. thats something that you shouldn't hide from him... and in all honesty, in case you guys break up, maybe he'll find someone that won't do that to him, he deserves someone that won't do things that can hurt him... best of luck, hope it all goes well

JSmuve · Answer

I thought girls were supposed to watch out for each other to prevent shit like this from happening? Where were they? Guess your friends also dropped the ball hard. Either way, you fucked up and sooner or later the truth will come out and shit will go sideways. That's life.

Is it better to not tell my boyfriend that I cheated on him?

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