Tips for dating a widower single dad whose wife committed suicide almost 2 years ago (see details)?

[Anonymous]

I’ve been talking to this guy for 3 months. He’s a lot of fun, when I can get past his maturity level being that of a 5 year old (I’m guessing this is due to him having a son around that age). My only issue is that he mostly talks about sex, which wouldn’t be a concern if we’d have conversations about more serious things, but he’s hesitant to open up about a lot of things that would help me get to know him.

His wife was the first and only woman he was intimate with before me and they met when they were teenagers and had their son young. I’m trying to keep all this baggage in mind when interacting with him, trying not to bring up anything too sensitive but also want to understand him better. He’s very weird about physical affection outside of sex. I’m wondering if his relationship with his parents wasn’t great, but when I asked about when/how they passed, he doesn’t want to talk about it.

I really do care about this guy and want to give it a reasonable effort since he’s trying his best too. He’s even said the reason he loves talking to me is because I care and he doesn’t want to let a good woman get away.

I just don’t really know where to start because he and I have practically opposite dating/relationship histories. It’s a learning experience for sure and any serious advice would be appreciated.

[America1st]

These are my thoughts... You started off by saying how immature he is. Do you want to be his mother and girlfriend/wife? There are some things women need from their man. They are not big things and they are things a man can give with little effort. She wants to be told that she is very special and deeply loved and not just once in a while. She needs to feel her man can handle whatever comes along if she can't. She has a desperate need to understand her man and when he won't share, it makes it very difficult for her at times. She wants an equal partner, not one that she needs to mother or walk on egg shells when he is around. She needs security.

You said he is trying. How is he trying? The fact that you have concerns about his lack of being able to have intelligent conversations is major. He said he likes talking to you because you care. That's great for him, but not so much for you because it leaves you unfulfilled. His maturity is about the level of a five year old. That is not because he has a five year old child. If anything, having a child makes you mature more because of the additional responsibilities and requirements having a child puts on the parents. Most boys only want to talk about sex. it's all they have on their minds. That changes for most when they become a man. Your guy seems to still be there.

My main point is that you are in a relationship where you will be the adult and he the man child. You are the girlfriend and mother. You are on walking egg shells around him. You have the baggage your balancing and refraining from bringing up serious stuff. You are making a big effort to get to know and understand him. He needs to work every bit as hard as you at making your relationship work. It never gets easy being is a successful relationship. It's a lot of hard work no matter how much love in involved. It takes two people who understand this and who will do it equally and fairly with their partner. If one works hard and the other doesn't put in what is necessary, the one who works hard ends up resenting it later on. You need someone you can go to with your concerns, problems, etc. that can help you or provide whatever it is you need. He needs to know when to just listen when you are venting and when to offer advice or help. He needs to give you a big hug and to hold you when it's needed. There's much more but I think you get where I'm going.

A very important thing for you is to not just push aside things that bother you because of his deficiencies. Doing this for the short term is not a big deal, but in a long term relationship, those things will get magnified and you will end up resenting them. It sounds like all this is beyond him at this point. You need to make sure that when you say something doesn't really matter to you that it really doesn't. These things come back to haunt you because saying it doesn't make it so. Again, these things get old before long and then you are in a situation where you have to make hard decisions.

The things I've said were not meant as a put down on your guy. I'm very open and very honest in what I say. If you were my daughter in the same situation, I would say exactly the same things. Of course I'm only going by what you have said, but your issues are not new to me. They all fit a man with his problems and they things that are not easily changed. Some good therapy would be good if he were open to it and willing to do the hard work it requires to make changes like these. It also takes a long time. How long depends on him. Also, none of what I've said comes close to dealing with whatever effects his wife killing herself has on him. That's a terrible thing to have to go through and it does scar you. The bottom line is that you really need to think about this and be absolutely sure you want to take this on. Most of what I've said comes from experiences with other women I've worked with. I hope whatever decisions you make work out for you. I know it's really tough for you.

[Asker]

Thank you so much for taking the time to write such a thorough response. I do want to give this a relationship a try and realize it will take some time for both of us to adjust. I can’t imagine what he’s going through, which is why I’m trying to be patient and give him a reasonable amount of time to adjust. He always apologizes for specific things he knows bother me and does seem to make small changes afterward. I wonder if the immaturity has to do with me being the only part of his life where he doesn’t necessarily have to be so responsible yet since it’s very early. He’s also never dated as an adult, only as a teenager, which is very different.

I completely agree with the needs you mentioned at the beginning. He does do some of these things. He’s already said he loves me and made comments of why he thinks I’m special. I think the issue is the security part, probably because he’s still figuring out how to have that himself. I could be wrong on this, but not even being two years since wife passed seems pretty recent. He works nights and has his grandma living with him to help with his son, which I’m sure is messy in its own ways.

I’m willing to give him time to figure out things, like I said, I guess I’m just not sure when and under what circumstances to call it quits. We’ve really only spent time together a few times and mostly text and call because of how different our schedules are, which doesn’t help matters. I’m just trying to be productive with the time we do have. I apologize for my messy and incoherent thoughts.

I do want to talk to him about my concerns more seriously, maybe framing them similar to the way you did, but I also don’t want to be cold about it at times when the discussion may lead to the tougher things he’s gone through. I don’t want a suggestion of therapy to trigger some other issue, but I do think that something like that could be in order if things don’t start improving. Any other suggestions in the meantime?

[America1st]

Happy New Year! If you would be comfortable, message me and I'll be happy to help in any way I can. I won't ask your name or where you are at. There are some things about him I can directly relate to because I've dealt with similar issues. I wouldn't want you to be cold towards him. That would be wrong. When I do this, I'm very direct in what I say. I can tell you have the intelligence to know how you want to approach him with whatever it is. A big thing for me is that you know how to spell, punctuate, use proper grammar and can actually put a sentence together. Don't apologize about mistakes. We all make them. It's unbelievable how young people today don't seem to have gone to school. I really enjoy helping people like this. It's why I come to this site. From this point on, if you would like, I can be a sounding board as you work on this. I feel it's always good to have a source that isn't personally involved in your lives. I don't have any attachment that may slant my thoughts toward him or you. I can just be totally honest with my thoughts without out worrying about hurting someones feelings. I also have no problem telling you things about me that relate to your situation and how I dealt with them. Again, I enjoy this. Knowing I was able to have a positive impact in someones life is something that makes me feel good. We both win if I'm able to help. In the messaging, I can be more open. I don't like to get into my personal stuff to much where everyone can see it. For you, my past can be a good benefit for you and your lucky guy. I say lucky because it's not every day someone like him finds a woman who cares as much as you do and is willing to go through some tough times to help. You're willingness is impressive to me. Let me know what you think. If you don't want to message, I'll be happy help as much as I can in the public section.

[Asker]

Happy New Year to you, too! Thank you for the kind words. I do like to think that I can articulate myself well. I’ve gone through a master’s program and work in a top tier research university/medical center, so it’s the culture I’ve grown accustomed to. I’d certainly love for us to continue chatting. I’ll reach out through pm.

[America1st]

Message anytime you would like. It doesn't just have to be about your guy. I don't get on here everyday, so if I don't respond right away, that would be why. Today I had a lot of time so I've been on a lot. Take care.

[311WasAnInsideJam]

Avoid the phrase "how's it hangin'"

[311WasAnInsideJam]

Sorry, that was dark and uncalled for

[abc3643]

Skip the baggage.
Move on.