Why do you think dominant/masculine men do better with submissive women than dominant women?

Question

I've noticed that my submissive friends do much better with dominant partners. It makes sense, as someone who fits the dominant/"alpha female" type, my interaction with submissive women is the same - I love my dominant friends but we do clash more. My submissive friends are much less assertive, kind of look to me to lead and guide situations even if I don't want to sometimes.

But once you add romance and men into the mix, it gets particularly volatile. Dominant men seem to try to make me submit which isn't happening, and that's also frustrating because nothing about me even seems remotely submissive socially. I'm always left puzzled as to why he went after me in the first place, wasting my time. The problem is some other guys want you to be their mother and run the relationship, make all plans and decisions, etc. which I'm also not interested in.

I'm thinking dominant girls like me may do better with someone in the middle of the spectrum. Definitely not super dominant/masculine, but an even mix. I view myself as a mix too, especially when I feel respected. I can't do that with dominant men because they try to control and lead, which causes me to resist and assert my own dominance. Ironically, I can be more easy going and submissive with a guy who gives me space and values/likes my dominant/"masculine" traits too. They're just harder to find and I don't like chasing men.

What do you think?

englisc · Accepted Answer

The reason submissive women do better with dominant men is just because they're more compatible. It's as simple as that.

When it comes to dominant and submission for men and women, dominant behaviour is more of a masculine trait whereas submission is a more feminine trait. Many today would argue against this but in many studies dominance has been linked with higher testosterone levels, and testosterone is of course the male hormone.

It also shows in our physiology with men being generally bigger and stronger - in most animal species the bigger and stronger sex is the dominant sex. Hyenas are an example of a matriarchal mammal, female hyenas are bigger and stronger than male hyenas. The opposite is true for us. Nature gives the dominant sex the physical advantage.

You also mention it yourself when you say things like "dominant/masculine".

I think that in general women always prefer a man who is more dominant/masculine then themselves, even if only slightly, and that this is completely natural. I think that's the way the sexes are supposed to relate to each other.

I know that this isn't what we're talking about but I think it says a lot about male-female nature - I've been into BDSM since around 18 years old as a Dominant, and when I was single I'd get women who labelled themselves as Dominants who'd admit to me privately that they also like to be dominated by particular men. I also notice that many of the kinks female Domme/male submissive people like to engage in tend to have to do with emasculating the man and denying him sex in some way. Chastity, cuckolding, strap-on play, cross-dressing etc. Whereas male Dom/female submissive even if it does involve some sadomasochism and humiliation is all about sex.

The cuckolding kink is the most telling: less masculine husband often being denied sex and humiliated, with a more masculine man having sex with the wife. Some talk about the dual mating strategy of women, where they're attracted to more dominant men sexually but when it comes to marriage they look for a more stable guy who is usually less dominant and less masculine. The whole "date bad boys and marry nice guys" thing.

What all of this tells me again is that women are more naturally attracted to a dominant guy, and that in reality while they might think they want that less masculine/dominant guy they don't truly respect a man like that - or at least the number of women who do is very rare. I think they only choose those guys because they can't keep the more dominant guy around or maintain a healthy relationship with him, even though they'd like to.

In fact even the last couple of sentences you wrote are telling. You can submit to a guy who gives you enough space but those guys are harder to find, you're probably doing the same thing here. They are hard to find, it's a lot easier obviously to dominate a naturally submissive woman. When a woman has a more dominant personality there's more to it, and many guys don't know how to go about it.

I guess you have to ask yourself if you could really make it work with a guy who is less masculine. Often I just don't think it actually works.

SomeGuyCalledTom · Accepted Answer

tbh you sound like my kinda girl ^_^

I consider myself "somewhere in the middle" too-- or rather, I switch between dom and sub polarities. (If it were truly in the middle, I'd consider that more "vanilla"/ "neutral", which I'm anything but!)

I think my main fear is that a girl might interpret my sub side as me "wanting her to be my mother and run the relationship" as you put it. Which is not the case at all, and I'd be seriously pissed off if she tried to impose such a frame on me.

Outside the bedroom I like my independence and autonomy and I like to be a man and make my woman feel like a woman. Totally am NOT one of these guys who can't stand up for themselves or tell their partner "no", I can be quite opinionated and free-thinking in many things. Although I'm also naturally quite empathetic, so I generally find a lot of middle ground in relationship.

My ideal scenario is that I meet a girl, sweep her off her feet like a boss, but then we get to the bedroom and she's like "get on your knees and lick me, slave" xD I mean, I'm kinda being facetious... but also kinda not kidding? lol

flamiE · Accepted Answer

Because opposites attract. Especially in this situation, if two partners are equally dominant they will argue all the time about whose opinion should be taken. If they’re both submissive, they are going to have a looot of decision making problems.

SuperManiac · Answer

My standpoint is that a submissive man is failing in his responsibilities. I don't mean to be condescending but I can't help but be if I express my honest thoughts. I see like "pussy-whipped" husbands whose wives resemble their mothers telling them what to do and going home at 9 PM because their wives told them so, and I can't help but think, "That guy is putting too much burden and responsibility on his wife."

Those guys usually have wives who look so stressed out because they're making all the decisions, while they're like little boys following their motherly wife around and doing whatever she says. That's unfair to the wife in my opinion.

To me, to be dominant means to step up to the plate and take on responsibilities other people don't want to take. If it at least leads me to a reasonable balance, that's at least better than turning my wife into a motherly figure. I might be too skewed in this way (I at least test 97% dominant on some test someone asked about long ago). A balance might be idealistic.

But I'd find a hard time finding that balance with a very dominant woman, because we'd probably constantly be competing for who makes the executive decisions that affect the both of us. My ideal, and the type I married, is a submissive but assertive woman. She gives me an earful of what she wants, but steps aside and lets me make those executive decisions, but I do so in a way with the goal of making her just as happy with that decision as I would be, if not more. But a dominant woman would either bring about the most competitive and aggressive side of me (which I don't like), or worse, a lazy "pussy-whipped" side (which I like even less).

TheFlak38 · Answer

"I'm thinking dominant girls like me may do better with someone in the middle of the spectrum"
Yeah because we haven't seen enough examples of such relationships to conclude that it doesn't work. A dominant woman is basically a cute man who in the end will be in need of an even MORE masculine man to take care of her and that man doesn't exist. It's a fantasy.
NO woman that says she want to be in control and treat her man like a slave can be taken seriously. That woman is always depressed, agressive, miserable, a mental nutcase. Hemce why she can't attract and keep a masculine man. She will only attract the desperate pussy slaves who are too afraid to stay single, then she will destroy this man's life completely and move on to the next well of resources to repeat the entire process. It's what happened to my father, it's what happened to two friends (one of which is such a beta pussy slave that I ended my friendship with him), and it's what every study on this subject has shown us that happens.

bamesjond0069 · Answer

This is the rub. Most people even ones who are a mix still prefer a clear role because that is whats functional. Lets assign number 1 to 10 scale of dominant. If a man is a 3 and girl is a 1 even though the man is submissive he will eventually lead. Same if the woman is a 8 and the man is a 10, he will still end up leading.

But here is the rub you want your cake and to eat it too. Most people instinctively want a clear role. Nowhere in life do you see two leaders. Sports teams have a head coach not two head coaches. Planes have a pilot and co pilot. Businesses have a ceo and then lower c level execs. All human interaction works this way, relationships included.

So basically you find a man who is in the middle like you but say you are a 6 and he is a 5, he then takes the submissive role and now you find him too wimpy. But say you are the 5 and he is a 6, he now attempts to take the lead and now he is too much for you. There is no such thing as a 5 and 5 because one will edge out the other OR y'all will butt heads and it will be completely dysfunctional.

Id suggest carefully considering the two options and choosing one. It will make things a million times more simple for you.

cavmanier · Answer

Using the word "dominant" is a nice way to describe bossy and controlling. Well the answer is a person that is more accommodating, patient and tolerant can handle people that you describe as dominant better but I'll tell you something, while I'm the patient and understanding guy, I don't like my partners to be the bossy controlling type. It's much more enjoyable to have a partner like myself and have harmony.

Describing people as dominant or submissive is really a terrible inaccurate description, but I'm sure it makes you feel better about the labels and we're always trying to satisfy egos.

MannMitAntworten · Answer

I get where you are comimg from. I do not gel with power struggle relationships either. Particularly because I am not the most passive or laissez-faire. Equally I cannot stomach the meek unassertive types either. You would likely do best with a fellow who gives you the edge on leading the relationship but in a complimentary fashion similar to that of a Ship's Captain and First Mate where you steer the relationship but he takes occasional command too, so to speak.

Personally I know there have been days while I was in some realionships where I would wish 'they' would just make a damn decision for themselves as I get burned out making all the damn decisions for the both of us. After all, aa you observed, I am not their damn parent.

Probably partly why I am digging the gal I recently met. She's not domineering but she does contribute to the proverbial 'cause' of steering our ship.

FloydKnight · Answer

Sexual attraction is just chemistry, you can't control it, it's deep rooted in our biology over several hundred thousand years. Women find dominant men attractive because it's the best way to ensure your Male children are dominant. The downside of this it the guy may be a bit brutish, insensitive, maybe even physical and more likely to cheat.
Maybe the answer is to get pregnant by an alpha Male, get that out your system. Then pick a more dependable modern day sensitive type that cries at Disney moves to bring the kid up and be a long term partner that you can boss around! Just don't bear any of his pussy children :)

Tomansky · Answer

This is tricky, I'll try to make sense :)
I consider myself as an assertive/dominant guy and I believe that in a relationship both sides should build up each other with empathy, meaning as the dominant, you can set the tone of your relationship, if you will create a warm open and (this is a big one) give up some power, you will create a space for your partner to grow into and take charge.

Papajohns · Answer

Most men are comfortable in the dominant role, most women in the submissive, so naturally that is the default. If you want to have a different dynamic that is something you have to communicate to any potential partners. Also I'm not sure in which dynamic you're talking about, dominance in social settings is completely different than the bedroom

clonesclone · Answer

Feminists are looking for weak men because of bad experiences with male figures from their past, so the simpering "submissive"left-wing type males are non-threatening enough to fit the bill. Also, such men are the only ones who would be interested in such a woman anyway.

HereIbe · Answer

Those "dominant" men are really weaklings deep down. They can't HANDLE a strong woman. Strong men love strong women--steel sharpens steel. The self-styled "dominant" men are just sad little boys who have to live out their macho fantasies and can't handle a real challenge.

Twalli · Answer

Two dominant's can't mix, just as two submissive. You could date someone who would be a dominant if you remove the BDSM aspect from your relationship. My girlfriend and I are probably submissive in such a relationship, but we don't have any aspect of BDSM in our relationship so there is no problem

AmtgardJean · Answer

Because most dominant men seek out submissive women. Two dominant people tend to argue more, they tend to have strong opinions and with the actual m/f brain dynamics tend to like different things. This causes issues.

Ripper_E · Answer

It's easier to be with someone submissive if you are dominant, but whether or not you can be with someone dominant depends on the individuals. Maybe the man is too insecure or either wants to have the upper hand all the time.

Piteka5 · Answer

Dominant people have trouble as couples because they usually try to dominate each other, it's not a gender thing as much as a personality one. Two dominant gay dudes will fight just as much as a dominant heterosexual couple

Grond21 · Answer

I think you did a really good analysis. It sounds like you need a confident man who knows himself, but is also laid-back and will respect you and your wishes.

Passinggas · Answer

Sounds like you need someone that follows orders well, can be kicked around, and that likes abuse. You will need to choose him, pick him up, and tell him what to do.

winterfox10 · Answer

Because the dominant women don't like being challenged, and the submissive men aren't going to start trying to call the shots unless they have to.

God-vs-Satan · Answer

It is mainly because the female was created for the male. The male is the dominant one because he has hunter type pride and women are the ones who like being feminine.

JimboGB · Answer

It is a personality clash. I am very domineering and it takes a submissive woman to appreciate that aspect of my personality.

esotericstory · Answer

I think all women are submissive but only for the right man. Its because men dont have to carry the baby.

Why do you think dominant/masculine men do better with submissive women than dominant women?

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