Guys, Why do all guys ghost me after I say I don't want to sleep with them on the first date?

[Anonymous]

Hi guys, I'm 29 years old, and really struggling to find a partner. I have been single for over 3 years. I do go on a lot of dates, but all of them go like this: "We chat for a few weeks or months online ( Tinder or Bumble). He asks me out, we go for dinner or drinks (usually). After our date he wants to either go home with me or take me over to his place. I politely refuse his offer, and say "maybe next time". At this point, he either tries to rape me, calls me nasty names, or just accepts that I won't sleep with him on the first date. The next day he has ghosted me, and I never hear from him again. Then I go on another first date, and the same situation happens. I'm made to feel a sense of urgency, it's like they're telling me "sleep with me right now, or lose me forever!" I get told that I only have chance in my life to sleep with him, that that is all that I'm worth, that I'm worth not much else. Why does that keep happening to me?

[RustyTinCan]

It's difficult to give a truly definitive and comprehensive answer without knowing who you are as a person or any of your circumstances, but I've noticed one major reason straight away: you're using hookup apps. Regardless of your intent, those apps, their userbases, and the way that they're designed are most suited for casual sex and other such shallow, degenerate affairs. It all makes sense when you look the sort of people that are drawn to the app, their lack of effort in really making their personalities/interests known, and the fact the text/image limits are just enough for a few highlights from your old vacation album and a corny pickup line (or something worse, like that The Office meme every other girl relies on, solicitation of prostitution in some cases, or "idk just ask").

Be you man or woman, Tinder is no place for a serious relationship to take root.

[Cortaine]

Sounds like you fall for the wrong type of guys. I'd look for what you like in these guys (before the date) and try to figure out if what you like is actually cause for alarm.

I'm NOT saying it's your fault. It's 100% them being assholes. But you need to do what you can to avoid them on your end.

[Asker]

They're not even "bad guys". Most men I go on dates with are quite boring "nice guys". At the end of a short dinner date, we haven't got any chemistry or anything, haven't even kissed yet, but he's pushing me to sleep with him straight away.
But thank you for your advice, I'll definitely try going out with less assholes

[Anonymous]

better question?
why would you want these men NOT to ghost you, when it's obvious they're looking to get laid?

No one who wants a serious relationship is also looking for a fuck on the first date. So if they ghost you, take that as a sign that they would have been a very bad choice, and move on.

[Asker]

I love your answer! Thank you for your time, brilliant advice! ❤️

[Opinion Owner]

good luck.
My other advice would be to use different apps.
I don't use dating apps, myself, but in general, apps like tinder seem to be known for hookups, while apps like eharmony tend to be known for people looking for something more serious.

I'm sure some people find love through tinder, but if I had to use an app, I wouldn't use one with tinder's reputation!

[Asker]

Hi, I did use E-harmony as well, and in my experience, I still got plenty of men asking for sex, but as they were from E-harmony, all of them made Shrek look super hot and handsome. E-harmony is for 3'5 guys who have got one black tooth in the middle of their mouth, and beard they haven't shaven since birth.
Every time I got a message from someone on eHarmony, I had a little panic attack when I looked at the sender's profile. I don't want to live every day like it's Halloween! And on top of that, these guys are super picky and wouldn't date me because I'm not a VS model.

[Opinion Owner]

lol i had no idea. as i said, i don't use those apps, so i was just basing that suggestion by what i understand their reputation to be

[Dchrls78104]

Not all guys, just all the guys you date; in which case you may need to make some changes. First look in the mirror. What really are your beliefs, standards, principles, values? Use these to guide you if and when you date again; reject any guy who doesn't represent what you stand for.

[Asker]

That's brilliant, thank you!

[Gryft]

Thats awful.. def. dont put out right away. If he really likes you and wants to get to know you he will put in work. Mayb if the date goes great and you like him thou, drop him a message in a day or two saying hi. but yah tinder if for dregz

[Shy_Steve]

Because you are making it harder for them even if they like you.

If a Guy likes a Girl he does not want the option of sex taken away from him because then it's not fair and not an even playing field, Then it's not 50/50 then so how is a connection supposed to be made when it's not even.

It's like playing a game with two other people and being told the rules have changed and you have no chance of winning just after you started playing.

[pajamasam]

They are just horn dogs who don't want to put in effort. Make sure your upfront with guys as soon as you start talking with them that you are looking for a relationship and don't want to have set immediately

[Truthatanycost]

Either you are attracted to the guys that are promiscious, or you are simply noticing the supply and demand problem. Demand for bad boys, often out strips the demand for the nice guys. Therefore guys adapt to become ''successful''

[I-am-a-nobody]

Let them know upfront and see how many of these first dates happen.

[one1wild00]

You are dating guys with priorities and empathy for you and your feeling out of whack. Might be up front and say you don't do anything on the first (or however many you chose date (s)) but if they give it time then you will both see what happens.

[aroundhere]

dont go on that apps, almost all men are like that, u can't find serious man there
thats why it happens...

[Avicenna]

That's really messed up. Is it perhaps the types of guys you're selecting?

[Asker]

I don't know, most of them didn't act like that when we were chatting online. Then I meet them, and they give me an ultimatum: either sleep with him right away or I'll never see him again. A bit mean, isn't it?