Am I shallow for thinking that I am out of his league?

[Anonymous]

Met this super nice guy on a dating app. I really like his personality, but I’m not really attracted to him. I am just going to say it: I feel like I am out of his league. I don’t want to hurt him. We’ve been texting and talking for a few weeks now, haven’t met in person. I told him that I want to take it slow. Guys, I know that I sound shallow af. I’m stuck I don’t know what to do.

Updates

+1 y

I didn’t think that this question would get so much attention.
Thanks, I took your advice and told him that I needed to end it.

[winterfox10]

You probably are being shallow. You haven't even met the guy in person, how would you know?

Rather than trying to answer your question without having met you, I'm going to give you 3 pieces of advice that should clarify the answer for you. Please understand that all of this advice is intended to help and encourage you in every way, and that anything you feel personally attacked by is not my intention. This advice is a double edged sword.

1. In dating, much like in stand up comedy; you get the attention you deserve and earn. If you hop up on stage and you aren't funny; you won't get gigs. If you have your dating profile up, and all you attract is boring guys and/or users; well... you get the idea. For what it's worth, a whole lot of modern women strongly overestimate their dating market value. You should take this time for some self reflection.

2. That whole opposites attract thing is bullshit. What kinds of things do the men you like have in common? What sorts of women do they date? Go be more like those women. Let's face it; being unique is difficult, and most people get turned off by that shit anyhow.

3. FOMO (Fear Of Missing Out) is the stupidest reason to do (or not do) something. You're holding out because you have the impression that you can get someone better. Oh yeah? And where is he? What makes you think he's going to show up in the time between now and when this guy asks you out.

Hope this helps!

[Asker]

All of what you said does make sense. Interesting perspective for #2. I do disagree with that one. I think that being unique makes someone more attractive if their uniqueness stems from confidence. Your advice is good thank you

[winterfox10]

I can only speak from personal experiences

[Sonorous]

Yes, but it's your prerogative. Dating and mating are meant to be shallow. Anyone who says otherwise doesn't understand what fundamentally drives attraction.

I do think you should clarify your feelings. Don't do it in a harsh way, but definitely be honest with him so you're not possibly wasting his time and making him feel like more could happen when that may not be the case.

And don't listen to anyone that says there are no leagues. There are general leagues. Otherwise, we wouldn't have such recurring patterns of behavior when it comes to attraction. There's a reason why high-status males and (especially) females don't tend to go for the lower ones. And it's exactly because of league.

[Asker]

This is a very interesting perspective. Logical. Thanks!

[Sonorous]

No prob 👌 And depending on the guy, it might be more evolutionarily advantageous for you to stretch the truth a little. Maybe say that you "just don't wanna date right now" or something. Because some guys don't handle rejection well even if it seems they will. And receiving some news that they're ugly (because that's how they'll interpret it no matter how it's said) will be even more of a hit and statistically probably an even greater risk to your safety.

[Levin]

I personally wouldn't refer to it as leagues, but I agree with you. You ultimately want people on the same wavelength or frequency who are going to enrich your life. You're better off being single if you're just going to get with someone for the sake of being with someone.

[Sonorous]

@Levin - https://i.ibb.co/4fvcZw4/image.png

Even though I do prefer the word "tier" more, "league" still fits. If there was a poll given to everyone in our specific society to rate these peoples attractiveness level:



When only focusing on looks, Brad's attractiveness level would unavoidably outweigh Doug's attractiveness level. So, in turn, Brad would be far more likely to get girls that are higher tier (in relation to physical attractiveness), and that can be even seen with who they chose to settle with:



There's a reason why Brad has had to defend his brother throughout his childhood life. Because even other guys noticed the difference and it made Doug the target of bullying.

[AmandaYVR]

I feel conflicted about whether to respond here, and if so, what to say.
Yes, it is shallow to say you are 'out of his league.' But otoh, you are asking the q, so you must have some sense that this is not right.
So I guess I'll just say this - if you base all of your decisions in life on external markers (like how someone looks) you will be limiting your life in a very significant way. If life was all about beauty, or everything being equal when lined up next to each other and basing an assessment of inclusion or exclusion on nothing else, you would miss out on a deeper life experience.
You may be more naturally beautiful than him. Or you may put a lot of time and effort into your appearance and he (like many men) does not (and is that a good use of time?) Does that make you the better person? Of course not. He could be kind, intelligent, driven, wise, and filled with all sorts of other traits that you will never experience because of having your mind set that the relationship did not begin with two people of equal merit, so you discarded the idea of it before it even began. And that is honestly the wrong way to look at life. Consider this not just with romantic partners, but friends, places you work, family members you like and respect more... it is neverending. And if you want to look at people that way... he could be better than you. Have you considered that?

[Asker]

Absolutely. This response is really good, thank you. I just look at things in a “long-term” perspective. Can I mate with this person? Can I see myself with this person in the future? I don’t want to get broken hearted again, which probably means that I’m not ready to date. I think I just answered my own question.

[AmandaYVR]

I can respect that 👌

[Jamie05rhs]

The fact that you met him online probably means that he's scared of getting his heart broken, too. Which is why he's on an online dating site instead of asking girls out in person. But true love and the development of a deep relationship requires some level of vulnerability -- on the part of both parties. My suggestion to you is to try facing your fears. Carefully, yes; and cautiously. But don't run away completely. Not at such an early stage, at least. You have no way of knowing where this will end up. It could be something wonderful. :)

[Levin]

I'm not sure I wholly agree with this. Don't try and rationalise attraction in order to be nice or a good person. Please asker, don't guilt yourself for how you feel. Attraction serves purpose in that it gives one a sense of how one feels about something. If you're not attracted to someone, you're not attracted to someone. Forcing it will only create more problems down the line. Like I say, the main issue is that you're stringing him along and toying with his feelings.

[AmandaYVR]

@Levin I disagree. The old 'You can't help who you're attracted to' is a cop-out. We make decisions every day. We decide not to eat more dessert, to go for a walk or run instead of sit on the couch, and to engage with people who we're not sure about, for various reasons.

Do you know what the most common answer I have seen is, when people are asked 'What are the most appealing traits and qualities a person can have?' Open-mindedness. Lack of judgement.

[Levin]

For your first bit, sure, but how does that relate to wanting to date people you find attractive? It doesn't mean they have to be the most beautiful people in the world by objective standards. It just means you find them attractive. Pressure to date people you're not attracted to in order to be a good person is the most heinous, tyrannical, self-destructive, dishonest and offensive to the other person, unnatural, PC, bollocks. Sorry, had to say. Attraction and finding someone agreeable. It's so natural and beautiful. Its whole purpose is to tell us who we should want to be with, and weed out who we don't want to be with. It's not superficiality. We are physical creatures in a physical reality, as well as in a spiritual one. And like I say, it's only someone we have to find attractive. It doesn't mean you only date '10s' or some other nonsense.

Your last paragraph doesn't correlate either. I'm definitely open minded and non-judgemental, especially by societal standards. And yet I'm still pretty discriminating in terms of expecting some basic things in a partner. Otherwise, I'd rather be single.

[Levin]

Incidentally, non-judgementalness and openmindedness are some of my favourite qualities. But the big one for me is compassion. That's the one that makes me melt.

[Jamie05rhs]

@Levin I agree with you in general. But I think you missed the part where Amanda said
"Or you may put a lot of time and effort into your appearance and he (like many men) does not". Which means that if he went out on a date with her and therefore spruced himself up and actually TRIED to look nice, then she might actually be attracted to him.

[Jamie05rhs]

But oh well. Too late now.

[22evie]

I don't think it's shallow, as such. It's not like you've said it to him, it's just a feeling you have. If you're not attracted to him, I feel like you should nip this in the bud before he becomes more infatuated. Some people might disagree but in my opinion the attraction has to be there. I would try meet with him in real life and see if there's any attraction there when you do. If not, I would end it. Don't be afraid of hurting his feelings, because you will only hurt him more if you keep it going when your heart isn't fully in it.

[MarkyMark77]

@22evie ever met a guy online that u met in person edventually?

[22evie]

@MarkyMark77 Nope and don't intend to

[MarkyMark77]

@22evie lol can u accept my follow request :)?

[22evie]

@MarkyMark77 Nah sorry I don't want followers on here, I deny everyone lol

[jennifer_bloom]

The way I see it beauty is temporary and wealth is uncertain but character is permanent - you won’t look the same your whole life and if you have money there is no promise you will have it tomorrow but if you marry a loving guy with the assets you currently bring to the table - he will continue to be a loving guy if you lose your beauty and your wealth - it’s your choice of course

[Brainsbeforebeauty]

How do you really know if you're attracted to him or not if you've never met? I don't care what others say or think, connection or that chemistry, that tingle you get when they touch or hug you, that don't happen via video screen or photographs...

[Guardian45]

As usual, wisely-said!

[Brainsbeforebeauty]

@Guardian45 thank you 💜🙂

[Stevepro68]

Listen in a relationship if someone feels they are settling its a fail.
But not meeting him is not really giving it a chance.
When I was in high school I played varsity Football dated who I wanted. A girl was crushing on me she was nice but artsy, multicolored hair, a little heavy I thought she was beneath me. She wanted me to take her to a dance but I refused.
3 years into college I was working my summer job at a pizza place. After dating a bunch of failed people. She walks in to order food. She had become a professional dancer worked cruise ships. A total smoke show. Really a stunning beauty. She wouldn't even acknowledge my existence. In school she was smart funny and charismatic, no great beauty. I thought I was above her. She set me in my place 4 years later.
There are other less dramatic stories. Bottom line I wish I had payed attention to the non physical more than the physical.
And I am a typical shallow male.
Take that for what it is worth.

[Asker]

Oof. Thanks for sharing :) hopefully that experience changed your perspective. Sounds like it did

[Anonymous]

Well I don't believe in "leagues", however if you're not physically attracted to him, that's important. Just be honest with him. Say you've been thinking, and you really enjoy talking with him, but you don't think you're a match romantically. It's hasn't been that long, so I'm sure he'll be fine with it. Disappointed of course, but don't hold off if you're sure. The longer it goes, the bigger the risk of you hurting him. Right now that is minimal. But don't block or ghost, be honest. But you just have to say that you're not a match that's all, don't say "I'm way out of your league!" LOL That will hurt him.

[Asker]

Omg I would NEVER tell him that 😂 that would be so ruuuudde

[Levin]

I wouldn't frame it as out of his league. The crucial part is that you're not attracted to him. Just be honest with yourself and call a spade a spade. Honestly, I feel guilty on those dating sites because I'm not attracted to a *lot* of girls. Makes me realise I'm pretty superficial. But it is what it is, ultimately, I'm just not attracted to most people. And there's no reason why you should be since mating paring should be selective. The main problem here is that you're stringing him along and probably going to hurt his feelings (Again, why I'm pretty ruthless on dating sites).

[Bluemax]

It is important to ask yourself this question. Do you think you could *ever* be attracted to him? If you are certain that the answer is no, then you must end things immediately. If you are not certain, perhaps it is best to meet him at least once. If in that case you are not attracted to him, end things immediately. If you think you could be attracted to him, go on another date.

No one is shallow for not liking someone's appearance. It is simply part of the human experience to be physically attracted or physically repelled by someone. I acknowledge that this is unfair, but to deny this is to deny reality. And I long for the day when we put an end to the use of words that are loaded with negative connotation such as "shallow" and "superficial" to describe an all too human characteristic that virtually all of us have.

[CurlyGirl42]

I don't think one should let leagues separate someone from dating. If the main reason that you do not find him attractive is how you think you would look together, I say you should work on this. That should not stand in the way of love. But if you do not find him attractive regardless of what other's might think of his looks, then go for it.

I would say go for meeting regardless. If you like his personality maybe he has enough charm in real life to make up for how he looks on photos. I personally know many guys who look very plain on photos but 'shine' in real life. Also it is important to feel the chemistry, and if you meet him you can always then say you are not feeling the right way about him. Since you like his personality it's also possible you can become friends.

[jack187625]

You say you think you are out of his league, what are you basing this on? Purely looks?

The most attractive woman in the world could be interested in me. If she's a cunt, I'm out of HER league. It's more than just physical attraction. Itt about who they are as a person. And yes, physical attraction has something to do with this, but it's not the be all end all. They could be the most beautiful person in the world inside.

On the flip side, if you aren't attracted to them at all, it won't work. You need some physical attraction or you won't want the physical side of the relationship. Saying you aren't into him physically doesn't make you out of his league, but it does make the relationship pointless.

If you weren't attracted to him, why start talking to him? Are you seeking validation? Taking a punt and hoping his personality out weighs his physical attractiveness? You need to work out this before you can even think about where you want to go with this!

[ColHathi]

Shallowness has to do with looks and materialism. It doesn't sound like that's why you think you're out of his league, so I wouldn't call you shallow. On the contrary.

Why not let him decide what he thinks will make him happy? If you really want to make sure that he's not make a decision that he'll regret, warn him of whatever it is that you think he needs to be aware of, and then see if he sticks around. If he does, don't worry about him being "too good" for you :) He'll want you for you, good and bad.

[ColHathi]

he's not making*

[vintagegirl90]

I think you need to be honest in a nice way, you can write back to him, saying you think he’s a really nice guy. I enjoy talking to you and I think your personality is wonderful, however I just don’t feel a strong connection with you. I’m sorry to say this, I think you’ve got some great traits that lots of other girls will appreciate. I wish you all the best in your search. If you’re nice about it and mature about the way you handle without ghosting or blocking him then he will accept it. Just don’t block or ghost him, it’s cold and unthoughtful, he deserves closure.

[scorpy04]

Your definitely not shallow ( Dont worry I know you wouldn't want me ) To be shallow you would not have a closed selfish mind this is my want blah blah blah but your not Your heart has seen something else in someone out of your normal spectrum I understand from what I've gathered from your question that you like him Sometimes your subconscious speaks out and your surprised Types are very judgmental Dont really let you see a possible soulmate standing before you Good your taking it slowly Wish you the best

[Anonymous]

Of course it's shallow, whether it's wrong is a different story. How would you have a healthy relationship with him if you wish he looked better all the time. If you can't see him as the only guy you could ever want, don't date him. I know that seems blunt, but the fact of the matter is, nobody likes being less than ideal. There are many girls out there who will love all of him, those are the types of girls he is meant to be with, obviously you are meant to be with a different type of person, that doesn't make you bad, it's normal, but it IS shallow.

[BeenThereLovedIt]

You probably expect everyone to coddle you and tell you what a special snowflake you are, but truth be told, you are shallow. If you like someone for who they are, but think you can do better in the physical attraction department, then that's fine, but you shouldn't have led him on to begin with. You used him for your own validation and now want to move on now that you feel better about yourself.

The guilt you feel is your conscience telling you what a jerk you are for this, so you might as well embrace it and then go find your pretty boy that you know will mistreat and cheat on you, you deserve it.

[jshm2]

You're confused and inexperienced is all. Not "shallow" or "out of his league"

You just need to learn to deal with situations and people better to stop making excuses.

Get chatting to him and go ahead with a neutral meetup (don't say "date") and meetup in person. Take a friend as a chaperone if you want that extra layer of security.

[Hannah_le]

Okay well first dont lead him he will hate you either way or dislike cuz you rejected him so just say no and if he has trouble getting over you stop texting him to help him overcome that. But it’s okay it just means you prefer someone’s status higher or u aren’t attracted as much by his looks so all means your not wrong but do the right thing

[VianneRoscher]

I used to think the same way until my friend told me I should stop making decisions for other people. That was an eye-opening expression. Just think about it. You haven't met and you tell yourself you're out of his league. What is your opinion based on? On his "imaginary" opinion about you?

[Gontse_Moropa]

Hey I wanna be as honest as possible with you. Most of the time you don't get someone "in your league", no it's not shallow having a preferance as long as you don't use him or degrade him and if I were him I'd rather you let me know that I'm not what you're looking for than say something like "let's take it slow" because it would give me false hope and you're not even feeling it. Hope that helps.

[Gontse_Moropa]

Also decide what kind or relationship you want. Depending on what you want from the relationship (an instagram relationship where you both look like models or a normal relationship where the emotional connection is priority) nothing wrong with either, its a preferance and i understand that. After seeing what it is you want then make the decision.

[CoolGuyJoe]

It's an odd feeling and I get that sometimes. You come across people from all walks of life. What matters is that you are being honest with yourself about what kind of partner you're looking for. Sometimes you don't click. Sometimes the reason is because the other person has less going on for themselves. It's part of life and being able to handle it with maturity and grace is something that will take you far. ✌️

[JosyJosy]

Kinda you're handicapping yourself here, on relationships and who knows maybe on other things in life too. Your mind is where your body goes, if you think you can't do it, your body won't, you won't do it.
You're missing out on good things cause of the mental block

[supercutebutt]

You aren't as great as you think you are. In fact, I've heard that lots of gentleman find your sniz underwhelming.

Your sniz rating

[Asker]

Groovy.