How can I stop being so shy, especially with men?

[BabyGirlRobin]

I was diagnosed with PTSD because my step-dad tried to drug me and rape me, and I still have nightmares and I can't sleep without a light on. I wasn't afraid of sleeping in the dark before that night, but after waking up to him leaning over me pulling on my pants, I'm just terrified of the dark and men included. Whenever a man talks to me, I can't maintain eye contact and it feels like I'm choking just trying to speak, but I really want a boyfriend and I want to find love. I also know a lot of men are shy my age and don't really approach women, so what can I do to heal from my trauma and to start talking to men without having a panic attack? Also yes, I'm receiving treatment. I have therapy and I'm on medication, but I still get really scared.

[Anonymous]

It happens to me with women. I was bullied while growing up. Beaten everyday by other men older than me and of my same age. Also women ridiculized me by dancing when I entered the place I had no other option to go and knew I was going to be beaten the crap out by other men. This happened everyday for a decade. I remember the first years after that when I entered a place with people of my age my eyes would get tunnel vision, my brain would stop understanding what others were saying, I would have difficult time breathing, sometimes I would have insomnia out of the blue, etc. I've been going to therapy for 4 years now. This things don't happen that often, but sometimes happen. I do have a massive hard time expressing and reading certain interest cues, I have a hard time allowing certain emotions to be felt by myself, because I learned lots of ways to kind of freeze them because it was another reason to get beaten. When I am near a woman that interests me she doesn't even realize I like her because inside myself there's a huge "fight" let's say it that way. And I have found most people don't get it, and if I tell women they don't want anything to do with mez at most friendship.

[Opinion Owner]

I searched for a therapist that specializes in relationships, dating, etc. I think it helps. But as others said exposure, with the help of the therapist helps.

[Opinion Owner]

I would date a woman with PTSD because I can relate. If that makes you feel better about your future dating prospects with men.

[BabyGirlRobin]

Awww I'm so sorry that happened to you. I was bullied as well but not to the extent that it was physical, although I was threatened many times. And you're right, I have a therapist but she doesn't really give much advice in this regard. I could try asking her more directly, usually I ask her for advice regarding my BDD. Regardless, I hope you get the treatment and the help you deserve and I hope I can overcome my mental problems as well.

[ChrisMaster69]

I would really look at keeping at the counselling and making sure the counsellor is experienced with rape, abuse and PTSD.

I would also look at stepping back from dating for a bit.

if you have any guy friends trying hanging out with them.

have you shared this with any of your friends?

try talking to guys in a controlled approach, at a shop ask where such and such a product is, clothes shopping, ask a guy if they do a different size or colour etc.

gradually get used to talking to guys in shops, supermarkets etc.

[BabyGirlRobin]

I plan on just trying to heal and to love myself again, my old household was very toxic, abusive, racist, etc. They weren't only abusive to me, but abusive to animals as well. I've told many people in my life but whenever I remember something that happened and try to tell my dad and my grandparents, they just try to change the subject because it's hard to talk about. For example, my mother and my step-dad made me eat out of the trash and I puked on my bed shortly after. My best friend knows a bit, I don't think I told her everything yet and she's also had a lot of trauma to deal with on her own, so we both work through it. I try to talk to men in public if I have to, but I just get a panic attack and I have such a low self-esteem, I beat myself up and tell myself that they think I'm ugly, that I'm creepy, that I'm weird, that I'm annoying, that I'm a monster. It really sucks.

[ChrisMaster69]

@babygirlrobin that really is horrendous.

You obviously have a ton of PTSD going on.

I really would avoid talking to any men, you need to really work on your self confidence and stop blaming yourself, stop hating yourself.
You will not be ugly, you will not be a creep or weird, definitely not annoying - I wear that crown, monster,,, nah don’t think so.

These things are hard to do alone, I know lol, I tried at times.
You can help heal yourself, however a couple of sessions with someone that understands domestic abuse can really point you in the right direction, work with you for developing coping strategies, there is no magic wand, these things live with us and become part of who we are.

We do however develop around them, gain confidence and learn to basically say fuck you world, I want to get back to how I should be,

There are a lot of resources on line in the UK, not sure about the US, however you can also email these support centres anonymously (if you want) and get online support.

A few of us on here have various levels of bollox stuff happen in the past and our mental health is simply great not lol.

I would advise having a chat to the following as I would trust her over random Blues (including myself).

@Agape93

(Sorry but I thought would mention this one).

[Agape93]

Thanks for tagging me love.

Hey robin, would you like to talk in private? If you prefer we can talk here, but I want you to have the choice in level of privacy.

[ChrisMaster69]

@Agape93

@Agape93

No problem, there were enough sharks circling around, which is last thing needed.
Sorry for keep dragging you in, however we are limited with options at times, the person I would have tagged is not online and not returning my texts lol.

[Agape93]

That’s fine hon I don’t mind in the least :)

[Siren777]

PTSD isn't easy to deal with nor your experiences. I am so sorry you had to go through that. I feel you need to get more therapy to help you get out there. Also it's a lot to deal with. Finding a boyfriend that helps you feel secure and patient enough when you're still healing isn't always the best time to have a boyfriend. You can start a relationship when you feel more secure.

[BabyGirlRobin]

That is a good idea, I decided to wait on dating but I'm still wondering how I can stop being so anxious around men, it really sucks.

[swettannie]

i guess... let the time heal you?
what kind of men do you want?

[BabyGirlRobin]

I've been trying to heal before I try dating, it just gets really lonely sometimes because I'm desperate for love. And any man who's a decent person, really.

[4dmins-4-13itches]

I don’t know if desperation is the best way to enter into a relationship. Friendships are also a way to deal with loneliness. Maybe you can make friends who are guys and one of them will evolve into a relationship.

[Anonymous]

The world is really evil. The people giving you medication are the next abusers you need to conquer. Get off that shit and focus on internal work, meditation, therapy, constructive hobbies help I hear, and also can attract men if they are interesting, like playing an instrument or singing

[BabyGirlRobin]

Are you against medicine? It's just to help fix the neurological and chemical issue in my brain since brains with mental disorders have unhealthy balances of chemicals and hormones so the medicine helps balance that. Although I can understand a dependence on them. And thank you for the advice, I like to draw and watch anime so I've been trying to do more of that recently.

[Opinion Owner]

I'm against evil. Not everything sold as 'medicine' was designed primarily to help you. This 'chemical imbalance' that these fuckhead child abuser psychiatrists claim to exist they have NO ACTUAL EVIDENCE FOR. Hard pill to swallow but that's the truth of it. What they are selling you is a drug designed to make it's user completely and totally dependent on it, who's effects seem to solve the problem for a few years, sometimes longer, but always inevitably lead to REAL physical issues in the brain.

Find out what you are on and really read up on that specific drug. Read the side effects. Read into what happens to people who take it for a long time. These drug companies are pure evil.

[SantiagoRomero]

Oh sorry for hear that. That happened me some years ago but not so intensive like you describe.

I recomend you to not think on that.
Also be distracted with something else like tv, cellphone, xbox but it can't be of shooters or things like that I mean not agresive things. when you get asleep you go to bed and sleep. that may help you to not have nigthmares and if you can try to turn off the light,

Or sleep with your parents.😀😀😀

[SantiagoRomero]

but not with your dad

[BabyGirlRobin]

The only thing that helps me with nightmares is weed, I tried medication but my blood pressure was too low. And I doubt I'd sleep with my mother, she's probably sleeping with my step-dad right now and it's clear that she chose him. I'll stick with my dog and my lewd body pillow, thanks.

[jasco]

All I can say is go and be expose to men. That's the only way your gonna find someone who can help you. Shyness is overcome by will power. So you must over come it, slowly but surely. For take baby steps.

[BabyGirlRobin]

What's the first step I can take? I'm even scared to be on a phone call or a voice chat with a man, especially if they're really older than me.

[jasco]

Try talking to someone in your family that's a male. Try talking to your doctor. Or better yet try it here online. Find a male friend, speak with him, make sure to only speak about things you feel comfortable with. Take it slow.

[jasco]

If you like to, we can be friends

[NamerOfStars]

I'm not a psychologist, but do you find it easier to deal with men if you're not alone with them? If you're in a public somewhere, or in a group? You might find your fears lessened if you're doing something WITH a guy- there's an old saying that women bond face-to-face, men bond shoulder-to-shoulder.

[4dmins-4-13itches]

Well I suggest finding a support group and maybe writing books about it and focus on yourself first

[BabyGirlRobin]

I've been in therapy but my therapist isn't helping me much, and I can't write books so I just write in a journal. Thank you for the advice though.

[2021biguy]

Don't worry, there are still good people in the world. Try to focus on good things and don't think about bad things that make you upset.

[BabyGirlRobin]

I know, I also know there's a lot of good men but it's like my body freaks out around men due to my experiences and I get a fight or flight reaction.

[2021biguy]

Don't worry, things will get better for you over time, just try to think about good things and I'm your friend if you nee one.

[SuccessfulHornDog]

I suggest talking to a professional to find the best approach

[BabyGirlRobin]

Thank you, I will bring that up to my counselor the next time I see her.

[WhereIsMyLover]

I have been trying to talk to you.

I am very sorry to hear about your situation.

[BabyGirlRobin]

You have? I'm still relatively new to the site so do I need to follow you in order for you to message me?

[WhereIsMyLover]

Yes, you must follow me in order for me to message you. Your account is restricted apparently to where only those who follow you can message you.

[BabyGirlRobin]

Oh okay, I followed you.

[ItsMeItsMe1989]

You're allowed to be shy, but, shy people, are directly correlated to low confidence. you need to have your confidence boosted

[BabyGirlRobin]

Thank you for the advice, I'm trying to love myself more but it's really difficult at times.

[TommyMountainFigure]

Try speaking to men your age on here or on other apps online until you get your confidence back.
Most guys though aren't like your step dad, and would secretly like to punch his lights out for what he did to you. l

[Bklynbadboy12]

Why would you want to stop being shy being shy is cute

[BabyGirlRobin]

Well thanks, it's moreso that I get panic attacks around men, and guys don't really approach me and I'm desperate for a boyfriend sometimes.

[Bklynbadboy12]

How long have you been like this and what exactly gives you the panic attacks if they say something to you if they look at you what is it in particular

[BabyGirlRobin]

Just being around them, I'm always jumpy and nervous but especially around men, I start sweating, I start shaking, it feels like I can't breathe and like I'm about to pass out. It isn't normal and most men are good people, but it's just difficult.

[Bklynbadboy12]

In box me cause we have to analyze this

[chriscdi]

Maybe some constant communication could break this trauma

[BabyGirlRobin]

What do you mean? Like constantly communicating with guys?

[chriscdi]

Just communicate with people in general and as you, it will get easier

[Shy_Steve]

Try talking to Guys who don't really talk like Shy Guys, I have anxiety myself and I have trouble in group situations but I feel more comfortable talking one on one to someone so you could try that.

[Elthunder]

I'm sorry that happened to you. But maybe if you wait until you're in better circumstances, you can try, and a good option would be shy people. I'm the same age by the way

[Sam_The_Savage]

First love yourself...

[BabyGirlRobin]

I've been trying, do you have any advice?

[Sam_The_Savage]

First build confidence in you.
Talk with confidence. Do what you like.

[TheBigGuy9]

I’m going on a limb here, but do you blame yourself for any of it? If so, you have to overcome that.

[Leavesbound]

Tell the guy you have to be the one whose in charge in bed.

[BabyGirlRobin]

Please give serious advice, that wasn't funny.

[Leavesbound]

That WAS serious advice. Being empowered in the bedroom cuts down on being shy.

[BabyGirlRobin]

Bro how am I going to get in bed with someone if I get fucking panic attacks around them? How is that advice serious? Just please leave me alone.