How do you stop the pain of being lonely and single?

Question

I’m 22 years old and i’ve been single my whole life. I’m a little shy and an introvert so it’s always been hard getting to know new people. I have great friends, and they are all different personalities from different backgrounds which i really love but 95% of them are girls because i get really awkward and shy around guys. Guys have tried to be in a relationship with me in the past but I wasn’t ready then and also those guys weren’t really my type (personality wise), so I didn’t give them a chance because i’m either all in or all out. But for the past 2 years i’ve been feeling so terrible, so lonely. I’m longing for love but i can’t find anyone that fits my standards (which keep getting lowered). and I’m terrified that im getting too old and I’m never gonna get the chance to feel what it’s like being loved and in love. Everyone around me has either experienced it or is experiencing it and at first it didn’t really bother me but now it really is causing me pain. I’m so pathetic i sometimes break down crying randomly because of it. I’m really sorry for the long description but if you got any advice i would really love to hear it.

DWornock · Accepted Answer

First, I applaud you for realizing that you peak desirability are nearing an end and that you are lowering your standards. You are shy around guys you are highly attracted to; that is, out of your league. It is far more likely than not that you are not shy around guys you don't find attractive.

First, continue to lower your standards until you find someone that wants you for more than a one-night-stand or a few fucks. Then, for the next year, without jeopardizing your relationship, look for an upgrade and when you are certain, pounce. If, after one year, you haven't found an upgrade, accept what you have because, at age 23, you will be at your peak desirability and soon thereafter it will start decreasing; very slowly at first but then at an ever increasing rate.

Second, do what you can to increase your attractiveness. Evaluate your clothes, your hair, and your body. If it would help to lose a few pounds, it may not be easy but you can do it. If you haven't been physically active and if you are in good health, start exercising 5 days a week. You are not trying to be an elite athlete. However, women athletes whether dancers, ice skaters, tennis players, swimmers, or track and athletes are usually beautiful and certainly very pretty.

Walking and jogging is excellent and it doesn't cost much than a good pair of shoes and 2 to 3 hours each week of your time. Female joggers attract a lot of male attention perhaps in part because they are pretty. Start by walking a couple of miles each day and gradually add a little jogging into the your walk. Don't overdo it. You should be tired but if you are not fully recovered within an, hour, back off. It will take about 2 months to obtain 80% of your peak and that is plenty. After you are jogging 2 miles 5 times each week, enter some 1 mile to 5K fun runs; lots of good looking college educated guys and they are easy to meet and talk to because you have something in common. Whatever, your speed, others will have that speed and you can chat throughout the run and, since you will be thirsty you can get something to drink (water, tea, etc.) afterwards.

ohshee · Accepted Answer

You definitely are an introvert welcome to the Club so am I okay so first things first being an introvert is one of the best things that could have ever happened to you because it means you stop you think and you feel things deeper than most you said you haven't had a boyfriend all your life for 22 years well that's like 5 minutes it's a moment in time and when you ready like you are now it's perfect timing because all the knowledge that you have gained is just beautiful beautiful knowledge in the depths that you feel things any guy that gets with you and you actually like him he is going to be one of the luckiest guys ever because of how deep you are and when I say that I mean that's with the look in your eye with your touch with a kiss with every breath or word that you speak it's going to be beautiful I like everything that you have written it because you said so much without saying very much if you know what I mean and I know you do cuz I also think you're an empath but anyway what was the question again LOL I'm still into with doing everything about you I forgot the question that's so funny but anyway you're perfect you don't worry about anyting just be yourself you have this you are ready and like I said some guys going to be one lucky guy

Alyssa11 · Accepted Answer

The secret to the loneliness that comes along with being single, is to find your own personal hobbies and goals. Find something that you enjoy doing and incorporate it into your every day life. Invest your energy into those things and you won't feel lonely. Having a man will always be something awesome - like dessert, it's awesome. But it won't be necessary.

Find that love you're looking for within yourself, your friends and your family. And truly believe that when things are meant to happen, they will. Also understand that being lonely because you're single feels much better than being feeling lonely when you're in a relationship. Believe me on this one, the latter is PAINFUL.

But honestly, my best advice in a nutshell is to find your passion and invest time into it. That will help a lot.

kidvid80 · Accepted Answer

im 33 and been single all my life just have not found that person yet. dont base your happiness off of others like what they have or their experiences, your life is your own journey however long it does or doesn't take you know? maybe you just need practice talking to people? i was terribly shy, i started going to the stores and when out randomly saying hi to store employees both girls and guys just to get used to not being so shy then i went to conversations, you can do it! maybe working outta your shyness is part of the journey for you?

coachTanthony · Answer

First of all you are not too old. Second you need to own your shyness and even make fun of it from time to time. You can’t allow these things to stop you from going after what you want. Being single is great own it. Being in a relationship is also great own that when it happens. Enjoy where you are at all times because both are equally important.

“All the down votes on my comments are a glitch. GAG is looking into the issue. Thank you for your understanding.”

Dragonpurple · Answer

You really need to have no standards, or bare minimum... I'd say first thing is don't worry too much about looks. Everyone loses them as they get older, and if someone has a good personality they'll start to look more attractive to you anyways and you fall in love with them.

I've had hot girls I thought were absolutely stunning, that as I got to know them and their personalities, I started thinking they were ugly... and the reverse, average girls who as I got to know them started looking extremely good to me.

While I don't know what your standards are, just realize looks will fade and go away.

As a introvert (my wife is one) its hard getting out there. We actually got setup on a blind date by a friend, as we worked at the same place at the time, just different departments and a co-worker set us up. You have to put yourself out there.

Be assertive and try to just be friendly and talk to guys, let them get to know you... and who you are. Maybe they'll ask you out, or maybe you can make the first move.

The worst thing you an do is just go to work, come home, go to work come home and somehow expect to meet Mr. Right.

oldasIfeel22 · Answer

“I’m longing for love but i can’t find anyone that fits my standards ”.

The magic question is this: would you date YOURSELF. That’s what you need to ask yourself. Would you date the male version of yourself? Are you holding other people to higher standards then you hold yourself or are you being fair?

Anyway feeling frustrated/lonely can be natural. Healthy human beings crave love, intimacy and sex. But I think the bigger problem nowadays in the “one up” culture we live in. We are constantly getting bombarded by images of people who seem happier, better looking, smarter, wealthier, more content then ourselves. These people never seem lonely. It’s constantly all over the place given our digital world. We are constantly comparing ourselves both consciously and subconsciously.

My recommendation is to find a way to exit your environment for a while. For a road trip to somewhere else. If can visit a new place. Get away from your surroundings. I found that always gave me more clarity and motivation on where I should put my priorities.

Also not to hit you hard from the gender angle but you are a young woman. I don’t know what you look like. But if you are at least average looking (I’m guessing you are not morbidly obese) then chances are you will always have more options then your male counterpart. It’s a privilege you will never comprehend (and guys have privileges we will never understand). But it could be worse. Trust me.

Novacane · Answer

I want to say that you are 22 years old, if anything you have not even started to live life yet you is just getting started. Even if you haven't experience love, you need to become comfortable with being by yourself before you can be with someone else. Also, everyone is on their own time, just because others are doing certain things that don't mean you need to as well. comparing yourself to them will only make you value your lifeless and you shouldn't do that. You are young and single you can do whatever you want without anybody telling you anything. I understand that seeing others makes you feel bad, but try feeling good for them because they found love and tell yourself one day that will be you.

If you really want to meet someone but are too shy try putting yourself out there more, I am also introverted but have pushed myself to talk to more people. I use to do that I need to talk to someone new each day for a month, if I passed I would increase the number of people and continue the only way you can become less introverted is with practice. Also, do someone each day that scares you to get yourself out of the comfort zone because when you are comfortable you don't grow.

FunkyMonkee · Answer

Except for 3 fairy short times, I've also been lonely my whole life!! How do you think I feel? Now, I don't even have family!!!
22 is NOT old!!! I never got my first ANYTHING until I was 3 weeks shy of being 25!! That lasted a few months, then my next supposed girlfriend was a year later and that one only lasted a few WEEKS! My next one was 8 years later and, although we were together for 10 years, she started moving away from me after at least 4 years!! I've been alone ever since!! Number 2 TRIED to get something going with me again a few years ago but, I just wasn't in love with her, anymore! You're only about 1/4 of the way into your life!! You've got a LOOOOOOONNG way to go before you should even THINK ABOUT calling it quits on the dating scene!!!
I used to be very shy, too but, one thing that got me out of it (for the most part) is being in a band!! (I was 22 when I joined.) Basically, the more you hang out with others, the more sociable you become. You don't even think about it anymore!

JesterVictor · Answer

Dude I was just like you trust me, no diffent, but firstly a relationship is not going to solve your problems firstly, sometimes it makes things worse. Also don't lower your standards not even a bit, usually guys can usually tell when a girl is desperate and for most it's a turnoff and at worst a sure way for guys to be sure they can abuse you and take advantage simply because you are desperate. Have you tried speaking to your friends? Your family? Maybe a pastor?(At church if you are into that sort of thing) relationships don't solve problems trust me, and relationships with the wrong people become problems. I was like you I am a guy, and I found the one person I love - you know how, by living my best life! I used to want relationships so badly and i got one well a really bad one that messed me up. I met my current girlfriend and future mother of my kids by being myself, even if that person was in my opinion a weirdo. You will find someone ok, even if you don't so what? Find things you enjoy and love them, the only love that matters is self love. And with a little luck you can be like me-find the one meant for you. One for whom you don't have to lower your standards for! One whom isn't exactly perfect but damn comes pretty near :D stay strong girl, YOU'VE GOT THIS, feel free to speak to me any time

Anonymous · Answer

I don't really "stop the pain" or "loneliness." Personally, how I handle things is probably really bad for having a dating life, but for me, it helps cut down on the worrying about it.

- I'm in a bit of a "self improvement" kick. Essentially, I'm trying to be busy enough and focus on other things. The problem is, it's not stuff that women will ever seem to care about if we're not dating.

A gross, super messy apartment will be a turn off to a lot of women, sure... but if the guy is super shy, it probably won't matter immediately whether he has a hoarding problem, or if he keeps his place pristine, because she probably won't care to see it, either way.

The self improvement kick is for me (as it should be...) but it just feels like I'm running in circles and nothing is getting done (it is, it's just slow, and I do have to think about "the long game" as opposed to "right now"). It just seems like it's all "busywork," though. But that's I'm handling things with dating.

canucker90 · Answer

Life for you has barely broken the ground, when you look in the mirror at yourself in an individual stand point what do you see? If you go to an interview and an employer asks, "describe yourself, what are your goals? What makes you who you are?". I'm older than you and I haven't experienced much, I have had opportunities to have sex with different girls from different states/provinces but I declined because it didn't feel genuine, it felt like a fling. But I have talked to girls on dating apps where I am trying to be chill and spark some sort of convo and girls have unmatched with me or ghosted me. I have had different girls say things such as "they support Adolph Hitler or Saddam Hussain or Donald Trump" or be into witch craft... Just messed up shit.

I have had girls say racist things about me or insult my religion to even belittling me because I didn't finish university yet, which I did, got my honours, got into law school and finishing my masters. What I am trying to say is focus on yourself, be ready/committed, give different guys a chance (as long as they have good character) and you are attracted to them and have faith. Luckily for you, being a girl is easier getting a guy. As a guy it's not easy approaching girls because in my mind now I don't know if a girl is going to go bat shit crazy on me, kick me in the nuts, block me or say I am harassing her. There are tons of messed up girls out there from broken homes, absent fathers and previous toxic relationships. As I have gotten older I realized I can't be the psychologist in a girls life to "fix" it for her, she has to do it, I can offer support and advice but she has to essentially.

Tannhauser · Answer

You're definitely not too old!
When you're getting close to 30, you can maybe start worrying about it, but even then, people find love at all ages.

The biggest mistake you can do is lower your standards to the point where you find yourself dating someone who you are not compatible with and not perfectly happy with. If you're anything like me, which I get the sense you are, you likely see dating as a beginning on the road to marriage.

As such, do not start traveling down a dead end road, as it will close off many opportunities for you. It is much better you focus on self development, build your self-esteem, and learn to live happily by yourself, always with an eye open for the person worth your time. You need to be comfortable on your own and not view a relationship as a solution to your loneliness. It will help you and your future relationships in the long run.

Turrorrr · Answer

you cannot achieve love by will. sadly it doesn't work that way.
the most cliche thing i am going to say is - love yourself first. try to talk through yourself and get to the point where you are also happy being single. you should validate what are the key points for you to improve, but accept you probably won't find true love in one week.
try to meet as many people as possible. try to get a vibe of them and follow your feelings.
one thing you should look is also the people you already know. perhaps there is already someone waiting for you that you know, you just didn't give it a chance.

crazy8000 · Answer

Get your life together.
Do thing's for yourself.
Learn new thing's/skills.
Work on yourself for yourself.
Deal with your depression/anxiety.
Eat better. ( candy soda cookies cakes coffee possessed food pharmaceutical and drugs in general will make it worse or keep you in the state you are )
Get more combined quality sleep on a regular basis.
Relieve thing's that causes negative stress.
Give yourself the chance to recover.
Find yourself.
Learn to be with yourself and appreciate it.

Stop believing that a partner will fix what you feel. ( it won't )
Having a partner, creating a family isn't our purpose in life only a society construct we have been doctrinated to believe.

2ndTryatThis · Answer

This broke my heart to read. I’m so sorry your feeling all of these powerful emotions. Love and the lack of love can both be very painful. It sounds like you’re growing into a place where you truly desire a partner, and are now feeling the insecurities that come with entering the dating world. Rest assured, everyone experiences this at one time or another when seeking meaningful companionship. The only joy that you can control while seeking that “one” is the joy that you are ready, you are worthy of love, and you can hold out until you meet someone that makes your heart jump out of your chest. It happens when we least expect it. In the meantime, just keep working on the things that you can do to bring yourself joy. Good luck!

scuff1986 · Answer

Finding love isn't something that you can rush it can take a long time to find that perfect person. Normally the best way I've found is to go to social clubs that revolve around a hobby as that way you have something in common and are able to start from there

Truthatanycost · Answer

Loneliness is an unwise motivation for getting into a relationship. Notice how few people, seek another because they are overflowing with contentment. Most seek another because they are empty. Hence the dysfunctional relationships and poor connections you always see...

katiebaby44_ · Answer

You are NOT too old. Do not lower your standards for anyone. I can understand being lonely, but being alone is SO MUCH BETTER than being in a bad relationship. You’re young.. ENJOY THAT. Love doing what you want to do, whenever you want to do it. It’s something you may never understand until you don’t have it anymore, but trust me, I’m honestly jealous of you.

Tiptoetamm · Answer

Put yourself out there if you like a guy ask him out the worse thing he will day is no. It will build you confidence. I'm not one to wait for a man to ask me out if I think he's sexy and interesting I'll ask him out why not. Men also like to be asked out not enough women ask out men, in my opinion

TheVoid777 · Answer

Stop thinking about what you want in a guy. Only think about what are your deal breakers. Then if any guy you meet doesn't have one of your deal breakers then be open to falling in love. Just compliment the guy you like and he should do the rest if he likes you.

JSmuve · Answer

I felt just like you when I joined this site at your age. Girls were into me, but, like you, I wasn't ready then and they weren't my type physically. So I didn't give anyone a chance when I probably should've because I was also either all in or all out.

I don't know what your standards are so I don't know if they're too high but figure out what kind of qualities you want in a guy and see if your friends know of any single guys they could set you up with. If not, dating apps typically work much better for girls than they do for guys, so that's always an option. Otherwise, you're going to have to learn to put yourself out there and attract guys.

You're still young, but 10 years does go by quickly so don't sit on this for too long or you're going to be bumping up on 30 in the same spot you're in now saying I should've made a better effort when I was 22.

ConnorJHutton531 · Answer

The best thing you can really do is join clubs or whatever else to meet as many new people as you can, then you’ll meet a good guy to date. Join a running club, volleyball league, tennis lessons, a shooting range (maybe), martial arts club, anything you’re interested in and that will help you raise your chances of meeting new people. It’s how I met almost all of my close friends I made in high school.
Now, how to stop the pain: I don’t know. I’d say just wrap yourself up in your hobbies and just sort of distract yourself like that. Even if it doesn’t go away, just hold out hope. You’ll meet someone. There’s always someone waiting somewhere for you, whether it’s someone who is a potential lover or someone who IS going to be your lover (I say ~potential~ lover because I have had many, many crushes and female friends who have went and dated other guys. You just move on 🤷‍♂️.)

Q80daddy · Answer

I've been single most of my life, even when i got into arranged marriage, there was nothing between us. Except i was good in bed lol. I joined introvert groups but i didn't get along with them.
How do you get over it?
Volunteer in community groups, there's an app called meetup, help those who are poor and have no one in their lives.
Or you can volunteer to help animals. We get along more with animals than humans.
You definitely need to set a goal for you and get a hobby and workout
Keep yourself busy, then it'll turn from loneliness into solitude.

How do you stop the pain of being lonely and single?

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