Disappointed on guys in their early/mid 20s in terms of romances?

[Anonymous]

Me and my girlfriends feel hopeless when it comes to understanding the guys we like. It’s always the same problems. From being early 20s to mid 20s now, guys in most cases are, according to me and my friends, bad at taking enough initiative, bad at taking things further, or communicating. It seems like they are very good at focusing on themselves and that they don’t really understand what is in the head of the girl they are seing.

We are wondering if this is an age thing or if this will always be the same. Different expectations in the level or way of communicating, taking initiative, forgetting about things, etc.

Is the focus set on themselves and their career solely or how can we understand a guys mindset in their 20s more?

[ProCoffeeAntiSleep]

As far as age, I don’t think most younger people are looking for long term relationships, and so are less invested

However in terms of the concept of mens ’initiative’ there's a lot of underlining sexism, which, although I don’t like making ‘men’s rightie arguments, I think its relevant here.
I feel like a lot of girls have grown up with this idea of how the early stages of a relationship are supposed to go, and it’s not necessarily that that never existed, but it’s died out for a reason.
A lot of women will complain about men not showing initiative in relationships, but will never make that initiative themselves.
For me, I’m not willing to put the effort in if I recognise that the person won't do the same for me, and I’m not say that all women are like this, but its never been a problem with even the most f*ck boyish guys I’ve dated.

Just to be clear, I’m not trying to suggest this is something you do (or don’t do I guess) but its why I loose interest normally

[Asker]

How would you sense the person is not willing to do the same?

I’m guilty to think that the guy will do most or at least half of the initiatives when I see someone. Because for some reason, that is an expectation I grew up with and many other girls unfortunately. It probably comes from watching princess movies.

I think I show initiative by asking a guy to hangout as much as he would ask me. But I wouldn’t be comfortable showing more than that. is that the right way to go or do guys want be be pursued sometimes?

[ProCoffeeAntiSleep]

If you want to be pursued I would encourage pursuing the guy.
I think at the end of the day its, if you expect someone to do something you also need to be willing to do it.

So as far as telling if someone is willing or not to do the same, I guess it just depends on if they ever have lol. Its not a great method of measurement but aya.
So for better or worse men are expected to be pursuers, so at the start of a relationship if I’m always the one to organise and plans dates, etc, I might not think that much.
However if after a few weeks or mouths and I’m still the only one trying to develop the relationship (or its me more than not), it’ll start to feel like those feelings are misplaced. It’s mostly just about feeling wanted and that you and your time is felt as valuable.

I wouldn’t feel too guilty as I don’t think its an uncommon mindset, but its probably ended more of my relationships than anything else. A relationship at the end of the day is too people, and you should always be doing half no matter at what point it is. If you want it more intense, slower, or to develop deeper, you need to be active and change the tempo

[Asker]

Very wise words! Totally agree on that is should be equal to some point but it’s too bad that many girls would love to pursue more but they don’t dare…

[MTC29]

You and your girlfriends have stumbled upon the reason that so many young women in your age range are interested in older men.

[MzAsh]

It can be an age/maturity thing, but it can also be a personality thing.
Some guys are more mature and competent when it comes to relationship matters even when they are younger, and those are the guys you want to look for.

[MotorcycleMan]

At that age, typically looking more for fun and adventure than a long-term relationship. Still more about themselves than you. Maybe not that experienced at planning, romance, etc.

[Adogdog]

I feel the same way about about girls in the same age range, and I have the same problems you are talking about LOL

[Iron_Man]

It’s an age thing