Guy I’m seeing doesn’t like responding to my messages when he thinks it will upset so he ignores my messages and then later comes back around? Help?

[aintnocandle]

I’ve been seeing this guy for months now and he always does this.. there are 2 scenarios of which he will disappear and then bop back in like no big deal.

1) (this happened since before date 1) he will drop off my planet if he’s feeling overwhelmed with school/work (he’s a lawyer) and then when things calm down he then gets back to me. First time it happened he didn’t get back to me for over 24 hours. One time it was 5 days. And he acts like it’s no big deal.

2) if I send him a message that he thinks is complicated or if he knows his response will somehow disappoint or upset me, he will just ghost for a day/few days.
example, I wanted to call him one night to talk about something (didn’t tell him what). I said the day before I would be calling him the next day, and so I sent a message early in the day and he never responded. The day passed and he blew me off. He had a job interview the next day so I think he wanted to have a clear head so he just chose to ignore me entirely. But why not tell me that? He comes back around AFTER and apologizes and gives me an excuse.

Other times where he knew I wouldn’t like the response he’d seriously ignore me (I don’t push or send multiple messages) but he will disappear for a few days and then tell me he didn’t know how to respond or he “just puts off complicated answers for awhile especially if he’s busy” ... I’ve expressed my concerns and it doesn’t click for him. I once blocked him because I felt so hurt and he called me like 10 times freaking out. It’s like he doesn’t get that not responding or flaking on calls hurts me. He’s 30. What can I do for this?

[btbc92]

Learn to be at peace and alone. You have to learn that just because a person is gone for a while or a long time, that doesn't always mean they don't care. You would know if a person never cared. But if you are very clingy and emotionally needy, then he is not for you. Having him blocked for that is hurting him also. And that becomes abusive. I think no matter what he says, your mind is already made up by habit alone how you're going to treat a person. "If you do this to me, I will do this to you" kind of mentality is toxic, abusive, and destructive.

You won't get anywhere in relationships with this toxic mindset. And he needs to have to courage to say something to you. However, I think the damage is already done and it's time to move on. He needs somebody who has patience, and you need a man who can be with you all the time for your emotional needs. If not responding and flaking on calls really bothers you, you either need counseling or find another person. That means you need a lot more attention that he cannot provide you.

[aintnocandle]

When I blocked him it was because I thought he ghosted me for good and so I did it because I was done. It wasn’t to get back at him. I was trying to move on because it had been over a week and he didn’t respond to my message.

[aintnocandle]

So if I’m seeing someone and they don’t talk to me for a week that’s something I have to get used to? Alright lmao

[aintnocandle]

I am not needy, but when it’s something important and I want to talk about, he can’t just run away. I rarely text him otherwise. It’s not like he ignores my “what’s up” texts. I don’t even send messages like that. I am a loner. I like being alone. It’s when I reach to talk about important matters and then he pushes me out.

[btbc92]

Asker, you assume about people, PROBABLY too anxious as a person and that hurts your relationships with others.

"So if I’m seeing someone and they don’t talk to me for a week that’s something I have to get used to?" that's part of life. If you can't even handle 3 days, forget about it. You worry me.

"I am not needy, but when it’s something important and I want to talk about, he can’t just run away." Uh, yes he can. You're probably scaring him off and he can't handle all of that. Whatever you doing it's become a pattern.

"It’s not like he ignores my “what’s up” texts. I don’t even send messages like that. I am a loner. I like being alone. It’s when I reach to talk about important matters and then he pushes me out." Because he is scared of how you are going to react and your energy sounds toxic to him and overwhelming. If you are experiencing high anxiety or issues, please seek professional help. Not a relationship. That is not what it is for. You need to really learn how to calm down.

[aintnocandle]

I don’t think you’re being fair to me at all. This is not on me. It’s part of life for a guy to ignore my messages for a week and not think it’s because he doesn’t like me very much? What?

[btbc92]

I think there is a LOT more going on here you're not telling me. Because this sounds like to me, every single time you two have little to no contact with each other, he's ready to disappear. Why? Yeah, I think you scare him and make him anxious being around you to where he doesn't want to hurt your feelings, but you're hurting him emotionally without looking at your behaviors also. I don't know if you are combative or not, but he sounds very sensitive like me. And I know if you give me that kind of anxiety. I rather not bother you. I'm going through the same issue with somebody I know. It made me reevaluate we were even friends at all for over a decade. Ever since I was told I'm making them angry, not once but twice, I am now scared of them. I don't even want to talk. It's been almost an entire month since we last spoke. I'm not getting treated like that again. I don't deserve that. And whatever you're doing, you need to stop and look at what you are doing before you want to be so quick to judge him. Because I can tell by this short exchange alone, and by you saying "Alright lmao" says your insensitive.

[aintnocandle]

And no, if it’s something important you should be able to talk about that with someone and not keep pushing it out and dancing around it. He’s breadcrumbing me. I’m not the one at fault here.

[aintnocandle]

And I never said I have high anxiety. I said this is creating an issue in what we have because he flakes and then returns and it makes me question his intentions and who he is. I never once said what types of messages I send or our relationship together. You’re here to shit on me without even knowing the situation.

[btbc92]

You think you're being ignored and you feel entitled. Does that sound like a relationship most people want to be in? NO. So I am sorry. It really is on you because you lack self-awareness. I can't speak with somebody like you.

[aintnocandle]

I have always been calm and never angry him. I have cut him so many breaks. I have been patient but there comes a time when I need to look out for myself too. It does make me feel rejected when he rejects important moments we could have. And no, we have a very weird situation, it’s not when we’re not together he disappears. I blocked him because I found out he was talking to other girls so I figured we were done. If he is ignoring me but talking to other girls, in that moment, I was done. It has nothing to do with hurting him. I don’t feel wanted by him. And it isn’t because I’m so nervous and angry and upset. I am upset now because it has been going on for so long but through all of it, I have been so understanding. And now I just feel like he’s stringing me along.

[aintnocandle]

I have needs too. And being neglected by a lover for a week is not meeting my needs. I guess call me crazy but I like seeing a guy more than once a week and just for a few hours at night.

[aintnocandle]

He continues to give me empty promises that he doesn’t meet. I feel like I’m set up just to fail. I went through a lot with this guy and am always self aware and blamed myself too long before I realized I am not the issue so I will not accept it from someone else. This is bs

[btbc92]

Asker, HEAR how you SOUND. HEAR HOW YOU SOUND. HEAR HOW YOUR SOUND. If somebody treated you this way, I doubt you want to be with them also. You have too much baggage. How do you know he is talking to other girls? You don't feel wanted? The question is Asker, do you even LOVE yourself? I don't think so. It is very clear your using your introvertness as an excuse to say your needs were never met in your life. And now you have a guy whom I can see was never compatible with you from the beginning and you're clinging to have him because right now, you don't really have anybody. But he's away from you for a short time, you're already acting like you will wring his neck while dragging him back in. If you know he was speaking to other girls, it should have ended IMMEDIATELY. And with you not going BACK. But it does sound like to me, it wasn't intentional. That you assumed and then it made him feel like he wanted to speak to other girls. Because like I said I am seeing a pattern. He is in school, he is working, he has his own life, and you feel disrupted because he isn't giving you attention. Now you are shocked he's speaking to other girls, and that is IF he is speaking to them in that way. This whole thing doesn't sound right.

[aintnocandle]

For example- I asked him if we could talk on the phone about something ( I hadn’t seen him for awhile) and he said “I can’t talk tonight, how about tomorrow?” I said Ok, that works. The next day around noon I messaged him, can we talk around 4? Or any specific time work for you? And he never responded back. It’s been over 24 hours. How can I not feel rejected by this

[btbc92]

Asker. You're needy. And you need to admit that this is unhealthy.

[aintnocandle]

And how is this toxic entitlement? I am trying to communicate to him and he’s straight up blowing me off.

[btbc92]

This entire post tells me you are way too needy. You can't handle not 24 hours of being separated from the guy. The guy already has commitments, and that should tell you before there was EVEN a first date, to move on or at least be a friend until you two are shown to be compatible to be dating. He is not for you. Period.

[aintnocandle]

No he was having sex with other girls. He told me this

[aintnocandle]

I haven’t seen him for 3 months.

[aintnocandle]

He told me he was too busy with work, I said ok. Didn’t bother him further. And then he went on tinder trying to fuck other girls. I know this because he matched with my friend (who he doesn’t know is my friend). It’s not in my head.

[btbc92]

It's toxic because it tells me you have had emotional neglect all your life. Starting with your parents. And now you seek to heal that with a boyfriend. That is toxic and you need professional therapy and COUNSELING. At least for a year or 2 to get you on your feet to a better healthier life. You need to take care of yourself first before even thinking about pursuing a relationship. Because yes, you are needy. Even I can admit that because I know the root of my problems. I'm telling you, you really need the help and it's best you get it now and not later. Leave the guy alone, he is focused on his work and schooling as he should. And you need to remain single for a while, work on yourself, build up better self-esteem, and work on that. Because like I told you, that is life. Unless you marry the guy, you asking for way too much and he cannot offer you that, you can't change the guy, or try to make him. Respect him, as he should respect you. And you two need to just go in peace.

[aintnocandle]

I literally hardly text the guy! You’re totally not reading this right. I don’t even remember the last time I sent him a text that wasn’t before I asked to call him. I text him maybe once every 2 weeks.

[aintnocandle]

Yeah I do agree there were many times and signs we weren’t compatible and it should not have continued. Seeing him consistently and he was having sex with other girls, yeah I should have stopped. I didn’t know until he told me but yeah that hurt when I found out. But I forgave him, we tried again and nothing really changed it seems

[aintnocandle]

I don’t think so. Everyone has some needs. Wanting a faithful and communicative man isn’t out of the norm. I don’t need help.

[btbc92]

You already said what you need. You need him practically every day if you could. Maybe 5-9 hours of his time if you could and that also more and likely include the weekend. I am reading it as I need to, and not what you want to sugarcoat. You know what you did wrong. And that is getting involved with this man knowing this was already doomed to fail from the beginning. There is no relationship. Never was. And you need to come to grips with your reality. This is not and never was a relationship. He couldn't give you that, and you knew this before dating him and you still dated him anyway. You are blind to see that, and it really is on you. I really do not understand you women, and I am a woman myself. I can't do that. I know if I need that person that much, I need to get married to the guy. But you knew he can't do that for you, so you need to calm down. This shouldn't have escalated into a relationship at all. BECAUSE he can't do that for you. If you are not willing to wait, then you two have to move on. He can't give you want you to want. And you need to be honest with yourself. No matter what you say, he cannot drop work or school for you when there isn't anything to go on. This is not, and I repeat, this is not a relationship.

[aintnocandle]

Please stop. I don’t want to see him every day. I just want to see him maybe 3 times a week. Get off my ass

[aintnocandle]

He would make time for other girls and not me! How is this on me! Wtf!

[btbc92]

You don't get it. It is not about you texting him whenever. This is the fact that you are complaining your needs and desires aren't being met. When evidence shows this wasn't a relationship, to begin with. Guys like him are not looking for a relationship, even if they think they do. They don't. Why? he is too busy working on his career, and what they do usually is try to pick up women or a woman for sex usually, call it dating, and then when it doesn't last, they keep the supply going. I am not saying he is doing just that. But that is usually the case. In your situation. It sounds like to me he overall wanted to try, but he is caught up on work, school, and other things. This covid doesn't help either. So think about that. You say "you know" but you still want what you want. And that is the part you do not acknowledge, regardless what he has to get done, you still want what you want. And that matters to you. I understand the need to feel wanted in a way you cherished and you are not just there to be there. You want a connection. But this guy cannot offer you that connection right now. Which is why I said it would have been better if you two were just friends. And not dating. You knew before the first date he was like this. You already said this in the first two paragraphs. That admission alone already lands you in trouble. And it is no personal offense to you, but you sound like you don't even know what you are doing. As far as relationships are concerned. This is just obvious and common sense. You never get into a relationship like this. EVER. Because it's already imbalanced, and not stable. Bad enough neither of you sounds like stable people. And that should be your biggest concern right now, getting stable in your life.

[aintnocandle]

Ok yes, I do agree with everything in that last post.

[aintnocandle]

It is ruined and not even salvageable. I think under different circumstances and if we had just been friends while he was away, it would worked out better. everything is just too hard and I don’t think it’s possible to undo.

[btbc92]

And see you knew at some point he was doing that. ALL of that should have been BETS OFF. The red flags keep piling up. But yes, you are needy. It is not a matter of just having needs. I have needs too. But I had to learn to stop being co-dependent and needy and people-pleasing. That's exactly what it is, I know. Been there, done that. I can say it because I did it with other people. And I am telling you, yes you do need the help because that is how you attracted him. We tend to for the most part attract people similar to ourselves. Like I said. I believe he overall wanted to try, he saw he couldn't and that behavior alone more and likely made him do that if he wasn't already doing that. Either way. If I heard any of that, I would have been done. Period. I don't have sex before marriage. I wouldn't rush into dating a person without befriending them. And it's better to not be so quick to get attached. Because that's exactly what happens. Like I said. Regardless of what he does on his off time, that sadly you have to deal with it because you picked him. My top concern is that you knew he had certain habits that should have told you something is wrong. And when he expressed what he did or does, that should have ended right there.

[btbc92]

Just like I had talked in general as friends with a guy who wanted to date me on here and I said no I wasn't dating or looking for that. Never knew the guy was speaking to another woman the same time he was "Speaking" to me. Completely ghosted me and I never knew that. I held onto the fact he was very busy or he didn't want to talk right now. Sometimes that happens. It happens with my friends but we still try. But no. The guy had other plans and then acted like it wasn't a big deal. Then said, I didn't want to date, it shouldn't have to bother me. What? The man disappeared in late May and early June. It wasn't until about November he decides to disagree with my post and I can tell it was deliberate. Then have the nerve to admit the fact he was seeing another woman and spoke to me telling me how great and a good woman I am for about 3 months. Never said anything. And I said that our friendship was over. And I have no doubt whoever that lady was, she ditched him at some point also. Because he two-timed women.

[btbc92]

It doesn't matter what the circumstances are. He doesn't care.

[AmandaYVR]

This is really tough. I don't know what you do about this situation.

You don't know him well enough to have a very serious long talk about this.

He's clearly making his choice.

This kind of communication 'strategy' can end relationships.

You do need to tell him how it makes you feel.

And explain to him the detrimental effects it will have on relationships.
Try to keep it a bit objective, too, not just all focused on how it makes you feel. Because then he has less of a chance to challenge and dismiss it. He can say it's one's preference over another's. But that's not entirely the end of the story. He is the one with poor communication here. If he doesn't change this, he'll never have truly successful relationships. Does he care? He sounds extremely independent, and maybe even uncompromising. And if that's the case, the only way around it, through it, is for him to care enough about you, to want to change.

Good people don't do this to one another.

This is not a (common) situation where you are texting him often, about trivial things, and expecting prompt or thorough replies, then labelling him a ghoster. Make sure he also understands this about you. You're trying to adapt and be patient with him, but you do have your limits (as is fair.) I'm worried for you.

Reasons are not excuses. Some are legitimate. If he gives you solid reasons, you need to be graceful and gracious about them. But if he simply won't make time for you... then you might best move on. Even as a friendship, etc., these types of relationships don't tend to last forever. The person feels slighted, and the other seems not to care.

I hope more people see this q of yours and read your thoughtful synopsis.
People are obsessed with this idea of 'ghosting' now, but a lot of the time it is not as simple as completely ignoring someone. There's a lot to it.

[5points2gspot]

Stop this cycle. It’s toxic to even read. Sounds like much disrespect. People who want to be with others or another show their time affection and help to build/ grow in any partnership. This is just a toxic trait n it makes me sick to my stomach cuz I know it all too well. I would suggest talking to a counselor cuz this kind of behavior from another leaves psychological damage to linger long after the person is gone. Nip it in the butt.

[Anonymous]

Follow your instinct on this.