If a guy I’m dating is making me feel unwanted, disinterested should I let him know or walk away and not say anything?

[Anonymous]

Like if we’re seeing each other and his behavior is spotty, flaky, strange or it leaves me feeling not as wanted as I want to be or it isn’t fulfilling to me and it only is bringing me hurt because I feel neglected, should I calmly and maturely let him know how I’m feeling? Or is that begging? Should I just walk away without a word and ignore him until he steps up to “show my worth” by not “needing him”? What’s the most mature way?

[btbc92]

You should never expect something more like a close friendship, romantic relationship, ext with complete strangers. You chose to date a complete stranger and therefore you are seeing things that only YOU can judge and decide for yourself. What are you dating for? What are you looking for in a man? What are your intentions and what do you expect? If he is not meeting what you want, then you already know what to do if he is not what you're looking for. The mature way is either-or: address it and inquire, or tell him it's not working out and move on. Decide from there if this is how you will continue to date men. I personally would never date this way.

[Asker]

I addressed it and inquired. But I’ve been told that makes me come off as easy, insecure and the guy loses interest

[btbc92]

Are you dating those people who told you it comes off as easy and insecure? You are talking or trying to get to know a complete stranger. Unless these people can tell about him, they themselves don't know the guy. The problem is again, WHAT is your intent and business in dating? You're expecting too much that you don't already have and are getting too emotionally invested about it when you shouldn't. I mean, you need to. But not like this. You want that in a friend. Not a stranger. If he is a stranger, you need a friendship, not dating. That should already tell you, either slow down and decide how much you really like that guy or your wasting your time and you two find other people. You decide. But both of you are dating wrong and getting hurt. If attention is what you desire most, plenty of men who likes to give you attention, but's more and likely sexual and that's it. It is clear this guy is anxious and scared. MAYBE his first time dating and doesn't know how to communicate. Who knows. Your situation just sounds like he is either petrified or maybe he is playing you for other females. How did you two meet and how did this happen? What made you immediately decide to date the guy, and PLEASE do NOT tell me it was because he looked cute and told you all the things you wanted to hear. Please don't tell me.

[btbc92]

What did you ask him, and what is his responses? If you met this guy online, especially on a dating site. Often times from what I hear as I don't and never dated or messed with that dating crap online, they often do that to everybody to play games. For me, I can never trust a man I just met, let alone online. My answer with that situation with men is always a NO. Now if they keep pushing, they are making me uncomfortable. Again, you people have to be realistic here. People can not just LIKE YOU like that. They cannot just be INTERESTED in you like that. Anybody can say it but what does it MEAN? From what I am seeing if you're that sensitive. Dating like this with strangers is a big no-no. No more strangers. Start dating men you already know and who already know you and are compatible. Dating a stranger whose name you don't even know is a mistake for somebody like you as it would be for me. I already need a deep connection and we actually make time for each other as friends. Think of friendship as preliminaries to a romantic relationship. Dating should not be with all of these unrealistic expectations that you don't even have, yet. And that is a big maybe.

[Asker]

No he actually isn’t that cute! We had a great connection and many common interests and things I did think were compatible. But I just feel strung along. I’ve given him a lotttt of time. We met last year. I am not one to dump myself on someone; I have my own life and self. However, I also want someone who wants to see me and makes solid plans to see me consistently and doesn’t keep me in the dark about things in his life. He is also entertaining other women because we aren’t currently together. He moved and came back and he asked me over 2 weeks ago and keeps postponing it, and he won’t give me much. He keeps saying he wants to see me again but then he just ghosts me for days and doesn’t hold to his plans. He’ll say he calls and he doesn’t. So, my friends told me just to ghost him entirely since he isn’t showing up. But, I know he will message me again and come back around. So, I don’t want to keep entertaining this off and on thing we have. I don’t feel like I’m being treated well by someone so I don’t feel like staying anymore, but I don't know if it’s best to communicate that or just walk away.

[btbc92]

Asker, there is your problem. There are SO MANY RED FLAGS with this, I didn't even need to read the whole reply. But for your sake, I will address it and you're not going to like what I have to say, but it is for your own good. You decide what you will do with it.

You're not being honest with yourself. You're pursuing the wrong kind of men. My question now is what things did you see compatibility in such a very short time?

- Did you two talk about family matters/similar upbringing?
- Belief systems?
- Religion, faith, etc?
- Abortion?
-Politics?
- What about sex?
- Do you know how many women he slept with?
- Or is he a virgin? Are you a virgin?
- Sexual beliefs in general?
- Did you talk about wanting children?
-Getting married and when?
- Lifestyle?
- How about character traits? Virtues?
- Principals?
- Morals?
- Ambitions?
- Work-life?
- Porn usage?
- Where do you two want to go in life?
- Moving?

What did you two talk about that made you say "He is the one" kind of guy? OTHER and you must exclude: hobbies, personal interests (music, tv, books, etc) unless it aligns with any of the above. And you need more than just personality, emotions, etc. You need MORE to access. Do your friends know him or like him, do you know and like his friends, are you mutual friends? What about your community? Families? I really do not see how can you people date and you expect things to just be the way you want when that is not how it goes. And I never dated. Even I know this.

[Asker]

Girl, i don’t drill men like this

[btbc92]

You need WAY MORE to determine compatibility BEFORE even thinking about dating. And I am not just talking about exclusively. You need to know if he is the proper candidate, as well as determine if you are the right candidate for HIM. OR if you prefer, for somebody who has the wisdom to see but you going to have to either listen or dismiss if you want to not hear what is BEST for you INTEREST as well as the interest for everybody. This guy is not serious. PERIOD. The moment you tell me he is messing with other girls, I already KNEW. This guy is a player. Period. Do you want to avoid players? It starts by being serious and looking through the list of things you need to start weeding out those "suitors". Or else, date a friend you already KNOW. And if you already knew this, this now is on you and you cannot blame the guy. I wouldn't even dare date a stranger, let alone a guy who shows these attributes. And it is because you don't drill them is why they take advantage of you. That sadly, no offense is not my problem or your friends or others. You're an adult now. You decide when you are going to be serious. These men today do not care. I'm sorry. You want a man to treat you right, you have to start treating YOU right for you to attract them.

[btbc92]

You decide if you want to be a pleaser in this manner and have people, men especially walk over you. They will not respect you until you learn to respect yourself. And you don't respect yourself. I am not being honest and I say what I say out of LOVE. Because if you were my friend, sister, or even my daughter, and I found this out, I would have told you like I told my friends especially: *shakes head* no. IF I especially wouldn't date him or be around him, why should you? I can weed out those men in a snap, and not to be prideful or conceited, but it's mostly true. Why? Because I stay focused. I care about real relationships. And most of those men are not caring, and are looking for sex. And this is coming from a virgin who never dated or been with a man, who knows.

[btbc92]

You're being unaware of what you're lacking and that is the BASICS. I listed the basics. If you don't have this down, you just attracting anybody who can hop in and hop out while you expect them to stay when there is no guarantee if they will stay or go. Them "proving their worth" for what? What are they proving for, investing, and fighting for? With WHOM? You must first know yourself before trying to discover another person. And if you mean sexually, definitely before even thinking in that manner because you don't want to have sex before marriage. But if your sexual morals or standards, no offense is so low, you cannot expect anything more than what you expect and invest. You can't expect higher and better things if you yourself don't put to work and effort in your life either. Those types of men I AVOID like your trying to avoid covid. Not to downplay this virus, but that type you sadly have to treat as such before they try to steal what isn't there's, to begin with. Dating is SERIOUS. You decide if you're going to take it seriously. You want fun and enjoyment, which dating should be, you should be a friend first and see how you get along. Innocently, purely and with compassion, respect, and with honorable desires. At least that is how it should be. But not a lot of people are serious about that. You have to develop as a person before going down that road. If that man doesn't want to develop himself, then you are wasting time.

[btbc92]

Everything is a process, and you cannot rush or skip or have cheat sheets with dating. This guy I can see automatically: why the hell would she be dating that guy? ( Looks and such aside). I hear a guy is like that, I wouldn't even dare consider that, it always reveals to you. Red flags are not hard to spot. What it is many of you are too scared to see it because many of you are desperate for ANYBODY to pay you attention. That is not healthy and that is not good. Like it or not, if you are that desperate, you need to slow it down and stay single. Or not listen to me, do whatever you want, and risk unnecessarily. It's bad enough I know what you're even looking for in a guy. And I am not certain if you even know yourself. And until you know, your wasting again your time with somebody who isn't even interested in anything serious, but probably a good booty call. That is what it sounds like, besides keeping you on the backburner for something "serious" while he hops with different females. I mean if you people like that stuff, then that is your business. I personally don't want that kind of man for a husband or for the father of my children.

[whirled_up_girl]

It it's bothering you and making you feel hurt and neglected that I would definitely say something. It's possible that he doesn't realize he's making you feel this way in which case I would hope he would want to know so he change his behavior. However, it's also possible that he doesn't recipricate your feeling and either doesn't know how to break it off, or doesn't feel the need to. Either way, it's not healthy to feel bad about yourself by dating someone.

[Wise4myage]

Ask him, and walk if you don't give the answer you desire.

[Jamie05rhs]

I think it would be reasonable to give him one warning.

[illallowit]

Most mature way would be to tell him directly. Then walk away. If you just trying to get him to act more interested? That's a whole different game.

[Asker]

But why would I want a guy more interested in me if he doesn’t care if he’s hurting me?

[illallowit]

Well, logically you wouldn't. But we are not always logical. Sometimes we just want what we want. To be fair, I have no idea if he is intentionally trying to hurt you, or if he cares if he is. It's your relationship, so those decisions will have to be yours too. All I do know is if you are truly interested in him and don't make a serious effort to make it work... you will keep thinking about him... probably even allow him back in. Figuring out what his intentions are really is key.

[Morgador]

Definitely express your thoughts and if he ignores your concerns then move on