When should I tell a guy I’m not interested in dating him?

[Anonymous]

During hang out or after hang out? Been seeing him for over 3 months

Updates

11 mo

Hey , I did end up telling him, and we did leave off on good terms. Thank you for the help!

Updates

11 mo

Any person that writes answers that are belittling my decision are getting automatically deleted. Do not waste your time especially because this issue has already been solved and me and this guy are FINE and are civil. Do not come here to project your own rejection insecurities

[meetkitty123]

You should have told him like in yesterday like in 2 months and 3 and a half weeks ago! especially since you've been with him for 3 months what the heck are you doing you're wasting his time stop playing games it's only going to get worse if you're afraid to hurt his feelings well damn you're definitely going to hurt his feelings no matter which way you look at it it's been 3 months. Stop leading him on and get it over with he deserves to know the truth

[Asker]

Getting to know someone is not playing games. We didn’t have sex, I equally put forward equal efforts in this situation but even I was to end up in a relationship- it would be followed by a break up. 2 months ago I did like him but didn’t fully know him and I think I made the correct move by waiting

[mommymommymommy]

Getting to know someone IS playing games, if you're dating others at the same time!

[Asker]

I was not dating others - not sure where that assumption came from. I am also not currently talking to anyone else at the moment.

[blueonblack22]

@asker.

Men don’t have an unlimited amount of patience, time, heart, resources, money, hope, etc. when we try to date women.

Everybody has a few inevitable bumps in the road in dating. But the most damaging ones is when you really invested yourself into doing something the opposite gender “told you” they want. He did what most women “said” they want from men. He was patient and got to know as a “friend first” and now he’s a “friend” forever.

He’s a human being and a flesh and blood man. While nobody isn’t entitled to sex and romance he IS entitled to RESPECT. You being wishy washy because you liked the attention/validation (and don’t deny that’s the real reason you took so long to speak up) is extremely insulting to this guy. It’s more damaging to his self esteem than you will ever realize.

Sure he may be seemingly be taking in stride because he’s a “nice guy” and wants to come as cheerful. However he’s not going to be a nice guy much longer. He just a brutal lesson on the ugly true nature of modern women.

I wish you could just own up to handling this selfishly and poorly. I would respect you more if you did. But I think you want someone on here to tell you “oh it’s okay” and what did wasn’t.

Never do this to someone again. Ever. This guy is ultimately going to hate himself because he let you take advantage of him (and you did). You should apologize to him for wasting his time but I doubt you did or ever will.

[Asker]

@blueonblack22 that’s not true, he did not start as a friend. We went on dates , we have made out and such but ultimately I found myself being long term unhappy with the way he lives his lifestyle. I felt like I was settling for less in qualities that I should hold a bigger standard towards especially because he was into activities that I no longer really do due to my lifestyle change. I found that telling him about how I feel now, would be better than dating him and then insinuating he should change his ways for me.

[Asker]

@blueblack22 and me deciding not to date someone is not selfish. Me dating someone knowing they have qualities I don’t like is selfish. Project your rejection insecurities onto me again after I explained myself, you will be blocked.

[ShesRad80]

asap, this way not to waste his time or yours but also not to mess with his emotions. meet him to talk and tell him

[Nerdvana]

You are absolutely right ShesRad. Thank you.

[ShesRad80]

@Nerdvana 👍👍👍

[ZackBan]

There's never a good time for bad news but it needs to be done.

Don't hang out, just tell him you need to talk: meetup with him, and do it.

That's how my ex dumped me, and while it hurt at the very least she respected me enough to say it to my face. And so we ended things on good terms

[Asker]

I appreciate this response, I did hang with him tonight and did tell him the truth to his face as we had a moment where I was able to talk to him one on one

[BadApple69]

I’m in that situation right now. Seeing a girl, I want more but she is going super slow…. I think she isn’t interested in having me as a boyfriend but she won’t say that….. so to answer your question AAA a guy in that situation I want to know right away. Don’t drag it out.

[AviatorTom]

Simple answer... as soon as you decide that you're not interested in dating him. Set him free so that he can find someone else to date... and maybe establish a nice relationship with.

[VIVANT]

☝🏼 ☝🏼 ☝🏼

[Avicenna]

Depends how serious things were and what was promised/agreed upon

[Finchie40]

As soon as he is hinting to you that he wants more then just friendship with you, is when you should tell him or otherwise he is going to feel like you are just stringing him along , giving him hopes that he actually has a chance with you. Sadly your friendship with him will probably fade away once he knows you aren’t interested in him that way , so be prepared to not really see him much anymore , Why Guy’s and Girl’s can’t really be friends especially if one is attracted to the other , Most guy’s that like a girl will invest a lot of his time into her , a guy isn’t going to invest his time into a girl that he isn’t attracted to period. It’s just the way it goes in most cases. When someone really likes you they aren’t going to need much space from you , always remember that , When someone needs a lot of space from you they aren’t truly into you period , People will try to sugarcoat it all they want but the truth is they truly don’t value you , they like the convenience of you

[Asker]

He always had attraction to me, I just couldn’t decide off the rip if the decision to date him was a good decision

[Finchie40]

Well the fact that you couldn’t decide is your answer that you don’t like him the same , so the second he started hitting on you is pretty much when you should of told him he has no chance , by you not being able to decide gave him hopes that maybe you would change your mind , He stayed your friend hoping you would change your mind , hoping you would eventually give in to him, hoping he would have you naked in his arms eventually, I will be surprised if he still wants to see you a lot after you told him he doesn’t have a chance with you lol If he still sticks around then he is clearly obsessed with you and if you do eventually meet another guy he is going to lose his shit and probably end up hating your guts , it just depends on what kind of guy he is , whether he is man enough to walk away or he is a Simp that can’t leave your side. Why it’s hard for Guys’s and girls’ to be just friends, the only way a guy and girl can be friends if there is no attraction between the both of them , if one of them is attracted to the other then that friendship will not last. I had girl friends that I considered just friends , I had no attraction towards them , I just liked hanging out with them , eventually one of them would start coming on to me wanting more and that’s where I drew the line and said sorry I am not interested, those girls are no longer part of my life , they moved on. The thing is you can’t force yourself to like someone more than just a friend , you can’t force someone to want to be with you. You both have to be on the same page or it won’t work period. Guy’s and Girl’s think differently , just the way it goes

[Asker]

@finchie40 when he first started hitting on me, we were actually hitting it off. As time went on more things that I didn’t like started appearing and it overwhelmed my decision on if I should date him or not.

[Finchie40]

Well you can’t force yourself to accept someone if you aren’t interested in them anymore , so you’re best just to end it with him now and let him know the truth so he can move on as well

[Gopackers02]

I’m glad you told him tho I don't know how long it was until you told him. But the important thing is you told him. I know bad news is the hardest thing to tell because I can speak for myself only but you may feel the same I don't know. But I really don’t like hurting anyone’s feelings. It’s a good thing and bad thing for me lol. But also don’t want to never tell the other person because then seems like you’re leading him on. I Can tell you seem like a very nice person so I don’t think you’d do that but it can seem like it.

[hahahmm]

hmm. From a guy's POV, the fact you give him attention means he has a chance. So even "hanging out" is a form of dating if he made it clear to you that he's interested. Of course, if you told him you're not sure then it's on him if he keeps "hanging out". But it's not good if there's confusion. Best to not hang out with a guy you know is into you if you have zero interest.

[Asker]

Yeah this is why I told him straight up and he pretty much insinuated the “let’s stay friends thing” and I told him that could only possibly work if he were to let go of us dating. I don’t have intentions of hanging out with him and that’s why I pretty much broke this off before I met important family to him and such.

[Freyke]

It looks like you already found the help you needed. But I'll say it again. Never wait with this. Leading someone on isn't good for both you and him. Even if it's not his intention, it's good to let him know beforehand.

Always say it face to face and in a respectful manner, because you are going to hurt that person's feelings if you know that he likes you. You can only soften the blow.

[ohsheeT]

Well in better homes and dating magazine they say after 15 dates

But they say 11 dinners one movie two lunches and one roller coaster ride


I think you should tell him the very first time he called you

[Ohhi12345]

Dude, guys who have sex are doing a lot better than me. Don't feel bad for just having sex with a dude, from his perspective it's a hell of a lot better than not getting laid

[Asker]

We never had sex

[Ohhi12345]

Oh my bad bruh, hanging out is still cool, maybe buy him some coffee or food if you want to be nice:)

[blueonblack22]

When you say “you were seeing him” does that mean you were actually more than friends during that time?

[Asker]

Yes but it happened quickly and I needed time to decide who he is as a person

[blueonblack22]

Hey asker. You can go about doing what you want. Nobody is telling you can’t or can not do something. You are an adult.

[blueonblack22]

Also my earlier response isn’t about judging as a person. It’s about judging your actions and motivation for them. I am just giving you the male POV on things.

But honestly just seeking out answers you want to hear vs. constructive criticism is not going to benefit you in the long run.

There was a time in history women had to be selfish for survival purposes. She had to find a man who could provide her value of some sort because she had limited options. If he couldn’t he quickly became invisible and expendable.

But this is no longer necessary in modern society. But I don’t think most women have evolved out of that.

Women may feel guilt about things but they rather have someone tell them “it’s okay” vs. telling the hard truth on things. The hard truth is meant help you improve as a person. It’s not projecting “insecurities” or hate.

You can call me what you want (I expect to get blocked). But there is a difference between arguing to figure out WHAT is right vs. arguing to BE right. And you know what occasionally I’ve found out I was in the wrong. Sure it stung my ego in the moment but at least I understood how to make better choices in the future. It’s better than having someone spare my feelings despite the fact I was wrong. Reason being there is a good chance I might repeat the same mistake again.

[Screenwriter]

As soon AS you know so. Don't keep someone hanging on.

[Texasgal95]

The moment he shows interest in, you don’t string him along

[Asker]

He has shown interest since when we first started talking, and I do believe it takes time to get to know people , so no I wasn’t stringing him along, I was taking time to get to know him and I saw red flags that didn’t sit right with me through the experience

[Texasgal95]

I’m just making a point if you end up, not being interested, that’s the moment you say something don’t keep waiting because then he’s gonna think you’re playing hard to get. I just be upfront and honest with him if you’re ready to do so, but once you know just

[Asker]

I did tell him

[davidyoungflyer]

One the 2nd date but that's not written in stone but as soon as I feel like a relationship is not going to happen I let that person know so I don't waste there time!

[summiter]

I would tell him asap. Don't string him along. Are you two having sex?

[Asker]

No we did not have sex

[Stoner710]

before.

why do you not want to date him?

[Asker]

He smokes everyday, he is financially helping his parents , which is stopping him from getting it together for himself, his house isn’t clean /nor his room and his parents are arms length in the house - so it’s too hard to establish anything, he’s always hanging with friends if he isn’t at work. There was just too many flags of him living an unhealthy lifestyle, and I feel like it’s very hard to stand by someone through them continuing to live unhealthily

[Stoner710]

fair with the current economy its hard to get financially stable, i pay everything but my phone bill and my parents help with me streaming survives. i work but i don't make enough to really survive. i'm also in a major meth/retirement town, so I drive 60 miles every single day to work for minimum wage after paying my way through college.

the smoking thing i don't understand thats very typical for low income folks like him and myself. especially when your not trying to be a meth dealer.

of course there's a major difference between being from a small town vs a city

[Asker]

Yeah In the end me and him just live completely different lifestyles and have different mindsets with very important aspects. I have a parent that needs financial guidance but I cut her off because her habits are not my problem and I feel like I shouldn’t have to cater to whereas he has the same issues but has heart to help his parents- while I do admire it , I do think having that heart makes it harder to get your life together and creates hardships shaping your own life. It’s a mindset I can’t change for him and I saw that causing problems down the line

[Stoner710]

fair, i have a bad habit of giving to people with the card board sigh. even though i don't have the money. my rooms and house aren't great but i don't have time to clean i work 5 days a week and beyond that i have the yard to take care of i have limited space and my parents dumbed a lot of stuff onto me before they moved to Arizona and living alone I don't know what to do with it. college honestly really screwed me financially but im working my way back up.

but Biden made me a Sucker. i worked my ass off getting through college without taking loans got my degree in politics science and history and im living in a state where unless your ultra left leaning you can't get a job anywhere so i do doorDash Uber eats and Instacart i make about 40,000 a year

[NuitBlanche]

As early AS possible. Give him the possibilty, to find His girl. Givee him free

[Sanser]

ASAP. Meet up him, its better saying this face to face than in the phone. Both of you deserve respect and its the best thing. You must tell him to not waste his and your time.

[JesseP1nk]

Just point out for everyone - sooner you tell her/him you are not intrested of them more easy it will be them to recover. Please do not waste their time. Mixed signals or giving them hope are the worst

[PumpkinSpiceLatte4]

As soon as you know you're not interested, it's time to let them know.

[strateguy632]

during but at beginning. then continue in friends zone

[zebronics]

Simple. Wait until he declares his undying love for you in an epic poem or skywrites your name with a fleet of drones. Then, and only then, can you break the news. Timing is everything, my friend.

[LovingLoverReturned]

😂 lol