We’re basically exclusive but he won’t make it official?

Question

I’ve been dating this guy for nearly 2 months. It’s going really well and I feel like we’re already a couple - I’ve met his family, cousins etc (I’ve literally cooked tea for them on a few occasions) and I spend a lot of time with them, he’s met mine, we’re going away together and have other plans for the future to go away. All these things are happening, but little things like it’s HIS bed when he takes up all the room and I have a draw with all my stuff but when I say it’s my draw he’s says no.

I asked him about a label and he said it’s still too early, but he sees potential for it to be long-term, which is fine. He said it might be months before he feels ready.

It’s just a bit confusing when I pretty much feel like part of the family already and he’s ready to plan and also little things that he does like the stuff I mentioned above. For example he’s happy to plan for us to go away in a few years, but isn’t ready to make us official and I get it’s still early days, but why be so full on with some stuff but other little stuff he’s funny about? Do I need to put boundaries in place if it’s getting too full on and wait until it’s official and he’s 100% ready? Or just keep it going like it is and just leave it in his court?

Cycloteur · Accepted Answer

You need to talk about these questions with your boyfriend asap. The fact that you ask here and apparently haven't had a real talk about how You two should meet each others expectations is not a good sign. But if it is like you write it, you need to explain to him in a non-confrontational way that you wish to understand what he wants from you and what you need from him short term to feel good.
The key to anything (other than drunk casual sex) in a beginning relationship is communication. Tell each other how you are right now when you meet (with a few sentences) and regularily what you think about wrt. You as a couple when in a relaxes setting. Also talk about what you hope to get out of it right now, next week, and maybe next month or even longer term depending on how you see each other together, just don't go too far in the future unless you both are ready.
If one of you freaks out over anything you must ask why in a way wich makes the other one realise you only want to understand their needs and why they react like that.
If you can get to a point where You have each others trust to such a degree that you are able to ask or say anything, including weird sexual requests, without fear of beeing rejected or ridiculed - I guarantee you a much more interesting and rewarding relationship. He will be able to explain you all his weird shit, and you can ask all the overthinking bits and get a proper answer wich relaxes you both (or the other way around depending on your personaliities).
So to your questions:
Ask him when he thinks it is right to tell the "world" about you two. Follow up the answers with your take on the same question and ask what it would take to get ther in his mind and then you tell him what you think is required. Keep going until you both are satisfied and have no more unspoken assumptions or expectations on the subject.

And then my personal weirdo twist on it which could be to much fore some people, is if you don't overdo the questions each time to avoid an interrogation like event and imediately afterwards try and turn him on a bit by asking more sexual questions about his preferences and things he wants from you and then if appropriate and possible try and play out something along those lines you talked about. Then you will get a much more rewarding relationship as you will unconsciously relate these talks to something intimate and nice (and fun). I speak from experience here and many of us men are very simple compared to many women in these regards. But for many people this eases the initial akwardness with talking about real private stuff and getting hot and intimate, both physically and mentally, solves a lot of stress and unwarranted worries for couples. Another benefit is you will quickly learn if you two are compatible in most ways and wether you have a potential future together.
Best of luck!

DaveJord · Accepted Answer

Yeah, doesn't sound right. If you are there then its not wrong to expect your partner to meet you there as well.

When two people meet and it just feels right, then they make it as easy as possible on the other person and they find ways to be together. Sounds like this guy is not in the same place as you and it is causing you some anxiety. Honestly its not supposed to be that way, and if this is how it is starting then you got to seriously do some self reflection and ask yourself what it is you want out of this relationship and if he is the one.

But an honest conversation with this guy is due, and and if he can't get there then maybe he is not the one and you are wasting your time. Regardless sounds like in the future you will encounter other issues with this type of person, because he sounds a bit self center and selfish... but its is obviously to me that you are not getting what you want emotionally out of this relationship so you have to seriously ask yourself if this is what you want.

Or just have fun with it and protect yourself from getting your feeling hurt later... but definitely do what's right for you, and don't blame yourself or take any responsibly for his failures.

EmyyWolf · Accepted Answer

A trick that’s worked for almost all girls is this:

Tell him you need a break. A break is basically you separate for a good long time. Maybe it’s 3 weeks. But don’t tell him for how long.
Thats basically a way to show him that he’s pushing you away by not giving you a clear answer.

A lot of men pull the “I’m not ready” card to see how they can manipulate the situation and to test the waters, to see what they can get away with. So usually it’s a woman’s job to set boundaries and make things VERY VERY clear to him.

For example when first getting to know a man. You have to be very clear about your future goals like; “if you ever want to have kids” “if you ever want to be married” “if you ever want to move around or settle in one place”. Those are first talked about and set in stone when first dating someone.

Bring it up, one last time. About if you’re in a relationship. If he says that he’s not ready. You tell him that your plan was never to be a side piece, never to be a friends with benefits, never to be a sex-friend, never to be his bootycall, never to be in an open relationship. You tell him that your not into polyamory.

Do not fight, don’t yell, don’t scream. Just state your intentions clearly. And set that BREAK. During the break he can make up his mind about wether he will continue his relationship with you, or wether he wants to end it. Keep things respectful, and nice.

After the break however, if he chooses to break up, that’s that, and you’d have to accept it for what it is, and move on full of pride. Remember to always make your intentions clear, to always set boundaries. There’s all these men out here that don’t want to be monogamous to one woman, but by being DOGS they put themselves and their partner at risk of STDS. Be very careful with these DOGS out here. Listen to your gut, to your heart, to your intuition. GOOD LUCK <3

Daniela1982 · Accepted Answer

Girls that think like you I might label as clueless. Why should he get really serious when he probably likes it the way it is, having a no strings friends with benefits relationship? He could walk away at any point and not lose anything. You might ask yourself how many girls he has put off in the past until they got fed up and bowed out of the relationship. If he keeps balking and not giving specific timelines as to when he will be ready it means he is not really that into you and maybe looking for better offers and in the meantime is just placating you such as meeting parents and that. At the rate things are going you will be a common law marriage (after 7 years of living together your relationship will be deemed a common law marriage) before he ever feels he is ready. Tell him enough of the pussy footin' and give you a time line, which he probably won't adhere to anyway. This guy either needs to shit or get off the pot because time is a wastin' and you spent too much time on this bozo already. You won't be young and desirable forever.

SkyCastle90 · Answer

You're marriage/commitment minded, and there's nothing wrong with aiming straight for what you want.

One of the issues a lot of decent women go through is getting stuck in dead end relationships with men who need more time to themselves to mature, which could take months or years. Just bad timing.

It all boils down to picking a partner who is on the same page as you. You have to judge by personality and values, asking serious questions on the 1st date and just being direct about your intentions.

Advice for you, move on. He already told you he's not ready and that saying he's in a relationship with you could take months, which could turn into a year real quick; dont waste time.

ohshee · Answer

I really think you need to rethink this reading your post it sounds like you went from 18 to 95 in a matter of 2 months if you're still together in another two months you have to write another question I'm going to see how old you sound then you'll be 120 probably bummed out when I date somebody or when I'm going with somebody you know when you feel alive in your happy I take that the distance I mean it doesn't start breaking down until after about four years it is easy to build right back up but you sound like you went from 18 to 95 in a heartbeat I feel bad for you

Changiis07 · Answer

Yes girl you need to set boundaries in the relationship. It should be in your court and not yours. You are the one letting it all slide. You need to bring it up in a way where you are not directing it towards him. Maybe like I really like spending time with you but I'm looking for a label to make things official. If you aren't ready that's fine but that is what I want and what I am looking for. Stop giving him so many benefits so early in the relationship. Make him put effort and make him put a label

DJB72 · Answer

Two months?

You don't know him. He doesn't know you. I'd been with my wife six months before we slept together and I still think we rushed things.

I was officially "with" my ex six months but we were basically exclusive for four months before we slept together.

My first girlfriend and I were together almost a year before we slept together.

Honestly, slow down. If he's "the one" he'll be happy to wait and get to know you properly. If he's not, you're only protecting your heart by getting to know him.

Let your friends get to know him too. Ones you trust. Listen to their opinions about him. You're currently hormonal and horny for him. Take a breath and let your friends help you find your feet.

BeenThereLovedIt · Answer

At that age, men need to be 'king of their own domain' for a while, independent and free. Clearly, he's not going anywhere, but he likes his life just the way it is. He will eventually feel the pull into family/offspring, but not until he's ready, whether you are or not.

It's his life, you need to understand that. You are a part of it. A part he cherishes and adores most likely. From your words, it doesn't seem like he doesn't want you being part of his life.

It sure sounds like it's a pretty good life to me as it is. I recommend you just relax, go with the flow, and stop worrying over the future. He will want the family life when he's ready, and trust me that you will both be happier if it happens naturally and isn't forced.

AviatorTom · Answer

Guys generally don't like labels while girls do. What does the label "exclusive" mean anyway? Is it for the couple or for others? Or maybe it's the relationship field on a social media site.

Look, you two are exclusive. I suggest you stop trying to push the label on him and enjoy each other. Pushing a label too hard could push him away.

bamesjond0069 · Answer

Its both too soon to worry and too fast on your part. Just chill a bit and let things take their course. Personally i wouldn't bet on a relationship starting with sex, ie more likely to fail than succeed but you're already where you're at so play it out and see how it goes.

SenseiSeptred · Answer

That is too early to end up with a label. You don't even know each other the way that you think that you do. Relationships and martial arts is like chocolate recipes, they take a lifetime to master. What's more is that "to want is to sin."

CallmeTheKnight · Answer

You're not exclusive if you're not official. The both of you are moving too fast and need to slow it down big time. Why Share a space with someone that's not willing to share

awkward_author · Answer

Don't change anything. He's probably still trying to figure things out with labels. Maybe he desires something long-term but needs to see more of this before knowing it will be with you?

slatyb · Answer

"Official" ? What does that mean? Are you asking to not see other people?

Kiran_Yagami · Answer

2 months isn't very long. And it IS his stuff. When you break up, he is keeping it. That's his point.

cookiecrusher · Answer

Have a fun dinner movie night etc and just have a casual/chill talk about what you both want in life. No guessing or mindgames needed 😗

Anonymous · Answer

Keep having fun with other people. He sees that he’ll make up his mind soon enough.

DWornock · Answer

You are good enough for a short-time relationship but he want someone better.

Nazgol · Answer

How do you "cook" tea is what I don't get it. Don't u mean make?

Anonymous · Answer

Then you're not actually official then until he agrees.

spartan55 · Answer

Two months? Chill out girl.

Gingerguy33 · Answer

2 months is to early give it time..

Dan_cColt · Answer

Two months... that's nothing.

We’re basically exclusive but he won’t make it official?

Most Helpful Opinions

What Girls & Guys Said

We’re basically exclusive but he won’t make it official?

Most Helpful Opinions

What Girls & Guys Said

We're glad to see you liked this post.