I would invite someone with a complicated background into my life if I know I can handle it. As long as they aren't treating me like an exclusive vent dump, they're willing to fight through their problems and not endanger me, I'm okay with it.
Long experience story:
I've given two friends the same opportunity and I don't know how I feel other than that I was a placeholder to them. I invested a lot of time and gave my all in helping the two but in the end, it took a mental toll on me. Friend 1 was my JH friend and friend 2 was my HS friend.
I'm not a problematic person and I do my best to avoid situations I have the ability to avoid. I knew they needed someone there, but in the end I could handle it because they were dragging me down with them. Both of them created problems themselves or blamed others for their misfortune and weeped about it. Whenever help was given, they didn't seem to consider it.
I got involved with their issues and I was not okay with it. One crazy ex of friend 1 threatened her, saying he'd rape me if she didn't do it with him (he knew my address bc the dumbass 'friend' shared it with him, because he was curious where I lived... Who does that?). Obviously I was worried because he was capable stalker.
Friend 2 invited me to a sleepover without telling me older men and drinks were present. I was unaware but lucky I couldn't go because I was called in to work last minute. Only learned about it through a mutual who went there and immediately left. I don't know what happened during the sleepover, but it was beyond my capabilities to help because I learned about it after it happened.
The combination felt toxic since they always compared our lifestyles and say, "You're so lucky, it's not fair, you wouldn't understand." and I feel like they took advantage of the friendship. The support was one-sided too.
They would complain about being fat and out of shape so I suggested them to workout with me. They refused the offer and asked why I worked out. I said, "I'm skinny fat and want to tone myself up and make working out a part of my routine." Then they shut me down with "You're skinny, shut up."
I was constantly vented onto, lied to and they would guilt-trip me relentlessly. I don't talk to either anymore so I don't know how they're doing. I'm happy my life is peaceful again though.
I became complicated after having a complicated life. Everyone’s lives are different. In my past, I had such an abnormal upbringing and then was hit with so many random and unexpected events that I feel like nobody understands me except for my siblings. My oldest sibling who was my only friend during my entire childhood went mentally insane after he graduated high school and is now in prison, which only further complicated my feeling of loneliness because he hasn’t always been like this. So when people see how abusive he is (threatening to kill my family, busting out the windows to my home and kicking down my door) they don’t even begin to understand the loss and the feeling of detachment I had to go through in order to heal from losing a brother and him still being alive. It felt like a death that nobody in my life really allowed me to process as such. This situation with my brother isn’t even close to the full scope of how unusual my life was. But my ex boyfriend didn’t seem to understand that I wasn’t running in and out of his life because I didn’t love him. I was trying to detach because I wanted some sense of normalcy and I needed to be alone in order to grow as a person but I kept running back to him because I saw the signs that maybe he didn’t even notice were signs…that he might end up like my brother. And I tried to PROTECT his mental health by being a source of support and love so that he would never have to feel alone. I put myself in a position to be a placeholder until he could find someone consistent which just made us end up wishing we never met the other. Because I think we both felt it in our hearts that we really loved the other and couldn’t understand why we did what we did. I have been emotionally, physically and mentally abused all my life. All I ever wanted was for somebody to see me for who I truly am. Instead I dealt with friends who I tried to trust hate on me-see my happiness as a competition or get upset that I was growing while they were staying stuck or even assume that because I’m pretty I don’t have any problems. I once had a friend tell me that I was self centered and trying to fit into being “popular” because around that time I was partying a lot to distract myself from the worry I felt at my mom being in a mental hospital and struggling with her own mental illness which I assume has been genetic and the cause of my brothers break down. I was working extra long hours after party was over to prepare my household for when I might have to move my mother in with me so I had to turn down any plans with this friend because it just wasn’t convening at the time. I worry about losing my mind and constantly try to live a “perfect” life because I’m fucking afraid. The fact that my ”friend” didn’t see past her own stereotypes about good looking/popular girls hurt because I loved her and needed her. Being so misunderstood made me so depressed and alone. And sadly, I never really explained my side of things to the ex who I was in love with. I thought it was too much for him to handle. It’s sad to think that the ex who I loved for who he was didn’t know that about me. I loved him for him but I don’t think he got it because my actions were all over the place. Life is complicated.
I remember I vented to some coworkers about my dating life and some issues I was facing and they told me that my outward appearance -being attractive, seemingly very mature, independent, very put together and “above” it all made me seem intimidating. And I couldn’t even fathom that anybody thought that about me. I’ve had men admit that I was hard to read and that all their assumptions about women who-on the surface-look and act like me just don’t match with the me that they got to know. And it’s because my life has been seasoned with experiences that many people just can’t relate to. I know that there are support groups out there for people who have lives similar lives to mine but I haven’t attended any because of the stigma I feel would come with needing a support group to cope with all my issues. So yeah, I’m definitely complicated and hard to understand. But I’m full of love and loyalty
I feel you. i kind of had similar experiences to you. My story is so long but i truly feel you i'm literally damaged and i don't know how i'm still alive cause i was about to kill myself the past months. I'm also scared of going insane and losing my mind and it is soooo hard. I've had severe panic attacks because of that also no one understands me and i feel like no one loves me i never dated anyone because of my depression and my problems i used to always ignore boys because i have so many problems and also i feel so mature for my age so i don't have the same interests as people my age so it is difficult to find a boyfriend also i almost never talk to anyone bc i'm always overthinking everything. I never felt loved by my parents or anyone else i never felt comfortable being alive. Live was so complicated to me like i can't explain it with words. I've been through so many bad experiences at a young age. It is hard to understand me and ik that. That's why i see it is hard for me to find a boyfriend cause he has to be so patient and see my worth because i'm complicated but have so many qualities also that no one can see because of my reserved personality. Being complicated wasn't a choice my life made me complicated
Ladies, everyday is a new day. It doesn't matter how was the previous day, today it can be done differently.
The ability to choose cannot be taken away, it can only be forgotten. It's plain and simple a matter of self-confidence.
NO. Been there done that. And it has always backfired.
Dating a complicated person is more often than not a road to guaranteed pain & resentment. These people have many issues that they need to work on before they get into a relationship. They are often incredibly selfish with little to no regard for other people's feelings. They may say they do, but their actions contradict their words.
They are notorious for burdening their significant other with their problems. I don't care what people say, the answer is a definite no. Don't try to fix them, you will only end up hurt or even broken yourself. What I say is not only from experience, but it is also universal. Let them sort themselves out. Find yourself someone who is just as ready and capable as you are.
Trust me, once you know how it feels to be in a healthy relationship with an emotionally & mentally stable person, you will not settle for anything else.
This actually remembers me of this person.
In my past, I was understanding and felt everyone deserved a chance.
Through the years and experience, I've discovered that people are mostly just self-absorbed assholes and that their complications are more or less their way of being lazy and defeatist about their own mistakes/misfortunes in life.
We ALL have mistakes and misfortunes in life, we're ALL complicated. Those who mope around whining about it and doing nothing to "fix" themselves are not just unworthy of opportunity, but will suck the soul out of those who try to help them.
Just move on. "self help" isn't a group activity and those too lazy to fix their own problems will just add theirs to yours.
Great answer.
Opinion
35Opinion
It depends whether they can be trusted to treat you with love and respect and my experience with people like that is that they tend to abuse others because they have not learned proper boundaries, emotional independence, and conflict resolution skills and many also lack patience with people. A lot of them also have exploitative habits because they do not have nurturing qualities inside, after being robbed of kindness in their developing years but if the issue is superficial meaning she has low self esteem but does not abuse others, I would give them a chance but be on the look out for red flags before you get further in.
@jennifer_bloom "my experience with people like that is that they tend to abuse others because they have not learned proper boundaries"
- This has been mine as well. These people also are practically severed in their hearts to where they literally have no care or concern for how they hurt you at all, even if they do know it's wrong.
Defensive and emotionally unstable doesn't sound good at all.
But I personally like (need) complex people. I will get bored with completely simple.
Whether I would continue with a "complicated" person depends on the specifics of their issues. I don't think there's really a way to answer this, as there are too many scenarios to cover. Maybe if I answer in the inverse. I would accept complicated if the person was a good person, and treated me well. Those are the two deal breakers, probably.
Thanks 🥤
Personally that's not something I would want to be involved in again. I don't favor having to deal with someone who has a lot of emotional baggage, who wants to get upset with you out of nowhere, or has trauma history from rape or abuse.
I am not saying these people are bad, but if you're someone who has the patience and tolerance for it, then go for it. But honestly I think those people with issues should see therapy before even getting into any relationships.
Absolutely. Everyone deserves a change of being able to trust and fall in love. Many people are emotionally unstable, almost everyone has been hurt, by grief, by a poor childhood, by an abusive partner, tragic advent/s that have left scars. The difference is their understanding and how they process that pain. Many simple need to talk, some may need medication, some may have gone through years of counselling and still have flashbacks, but how will they ever see or know emotional/physical improvements if you don't let someone have an 'opportunity' or a little worth, simple because they have weak or vulnerable moments. If they have been honest with their mental health, then they obviously acknowledge the issues, this is where communication is very important. You could be well into dating someone and see no 'red flags' then suddenly they change. To the many men and women trapped in domestic violent relationships. To scared to leave because they fear whatever is outside in the real world is far worse then what the endure everyday. If/when they find a way out, does that man or women deserve to never be loved or trusted again? Because that's all they done before. Dating someone that has emotional hills could possibly be a challenge for someone that doesn't have an understanding or empathy that real humans come with 'baggage' and personality if you feel you can't help carry that baggage, don't get involved with them.
I do not believe in this fairy tale version of marrying someone hoping to fix them through love. That almost never works because you cannot change or fix anyone unless they themselves want to.
but life and love isn’t logical. So if you have feelings for this person a few questions to ask yourself :
1. Does this person realize and acknowledge their situation/ challenges?
2. Is this person willing to get help and put in sincere effort to get better?
3. While they work through these issues, is their treatment of you something you can handle and willing to put up with? (Think physical or verbal abuse, cost of counseling/ treatment etc )
4. are there other people in your life that may be negatively impacted by this relationship (eg., dependent child/ sibling/ parent)? Are you good with that trade off?
5. Finally do you have the time and mental strength to go through this? These relationships take lot more energy and mutual forgiveness than a normal relationship to make it work.
if you logically thought through this and said yes to all then it may be worth a shot.
wishing you a happy, fulfilling relationship ! ❤️
I fit in that definition. You can only give people like us a chance if you have the ability to give us 'true love and commitment', otherwise better run away, save ours and your time. Here's my story and about my healing.
I am 100% devoted in love and want transparency at all costs.
But after betrayals I changed drastically.
From forgiving to vindictive, from loving them to 'always me mentality', from carefree to controlling AND from calm to grumpy.
I never abused verbally unless they break my trust/LIE/deceive me, which again reminds of me being exploited and hurt like before. I will lose respect if I catch their shady behavior and will start lashing out on them. But currently, I am good at analyzing people so they just get ghosted. I thought I'm the dictator or a tyrant unless, it was the first guy I actually admired, respected and didn't felt an urge to even get slightly mad at him, it was the first time I fell in love so hard from all my heart AFTER MY PAST BETRAYALS. I was shocked that how can I love someone so much despite having ego issues, anger issues and trust issues? The simple answer is that guy was honest, genuinely loved me, supported me, had undying loyalty, true intimacy and he reminded me of my inner angel who used to wear her heart on sleeves. Yes he was fictional but he reminded me that there is a pure LOVE trapped inside me waiting for the right person, someone like him. I legit became so devoted, wanted to sacrifice for him, treat him like a king and considered him as my GOD. He is the only one who holds place in my heart truly. I respect him and even the thought of making him sad aches as hell.
I get really angry about two words in common use as it relates to relationships. Those words are "mistake" when used to describe infidelity and that word "complicated" to describe baggage brought into a relationship. Cheating is NOT a "mistake and NEVER has been. Dating or yanking a stupid by marrying someone with "baggage" is something only a fool does! After watching many relationships where either the male or female has "trust" issues, or has ASPD, NPD, or BPD fly apart I simply call it foolish! Do so at your own risk!
Likely you are right.
I am upfront and honest with every female I date. I am what I am, my life is an open book. I have trust issues and as a result, I don't trust females. I love being around the ladies I see. I just don't allow them to get very close to me. I also have no room for drama in my life. Bring drama and I will kick you out of my home! I don't honestly care if the female I have invited over has had sex with an entire NFL football team. I just want 100% of her attention ON ME when we are together. I don't do complicated! Start that bullshit with me and I WILL kick your ass to the curb!
You just have to be sure that your own situation is so rock steady and impervious to any storm that could eventually happen, and that their instability can't ever rock your boat. Can you really do that?
I changed my location and gave up the comfort of friends of years being close by to move a thousand miles with someone who promised and assured me that they would never let me down. I became ill and that person panicked and ran right out of my life. I don't blame them for that because when the shit actually does hit the fan, who knows how they will really react? But I do resent the disruption that they caused in my life. I'm still trying to repair the consequences of that. It gets better all the time, but this wasn't the plan that I had before that person arrived and insisted on my putting faith in their love.
I hope that this might prevent eventual harm occurring to either or both of your lives.
m maybe I would, I think that I could handle it but that of course depends on the extent of such situations
if it is a certain level of jealousy I can navigate through those storms very well...
it there's a risk of getting stabbed while I'm sleeping... maybe I would not want to complicate my life that much
and it also depends on this other part of them, they could be great as well and that would be worth the initial struggle, and I say initial struggle because I would be willing to work things though with them so it all gets better
after all... I was a certain level of complicated once, and certainly not as balanced as I am now, and in some parts and points of my being I was still, inadequate... but I was given a chance, someone gave me a try and the very least I could say is that it went well, it went great
Honestly I avoid women with high levels of anxieties and insecurities. When you meet someone and everything vibes and it meant to be it all seems to happen so easily and effortlessly, because you both try to make it as easy as possible together.
Complicated people tend to be rip with insecurities and anxiety that usually over times wears thin or resurfaces in many other ways through the the relationship... and for me that never works.
This is what I have observed. Thank you.
It really depends if their willing to be able to handle themselves mentally, emotionally,&physically for the relationship and mostly for themselves. Are they gonna take the initiatives to overcome those hurdles and be healthier? Will it affect us together? Will he take it out on me? How will I help as a girlfriend? Does he have self love for himself? If he has some issues mentally, Is he willing to get any sort of help if so? It’s not a problem unless it starts affecting the way he treats me and our relationship. I’m not gonna lie, I used to be in that position a very complicated girl and I struggled with mental health but I’ve come a long way from that and have learned to take care of my mental health in such healthier ways & do what’s best for myself for my health and future relationship.
I say yes with conditions.
a lot depends on where they are and I've seen that mentioned in other comments so I'll skip this part and move to the next.
If their situation is acceptable the next thing you should be asking is how can a relationship with you help them, will dating you bring them peace? Stability? Can you make their life less complicated? If the answer is no then will dating you make their situation worse?
Just some things to think about. Don't go into it feeling like they're a project to be fixed or that they owe you for giving them a chance. Everyone has a past, some just hide it better than others. Date them for who they are right now, not who you think they could be. That's all I gotta say
Depends on what you mean by unstable. There are many different severities of unstable. Even so, involving yourself in other people’s troubles can be emotionally draining. If you really like this person and are prepared to go through it with them then sure, go for it. If ur not sure, than I’d say maybe find someone else in my opinion.
I think everyone deserves a chance. There a difference between being distrustful and being downright toxic. I'm quick to remove toxic people from my life. There are a lot of damaged people both on G@G and IRL. While my heart goes out to them I'm not going to tolerate their abuse. I don't care what they've went through. It's no excuse to treat others badly. If she's distrustful i can understand and even relate. But if she tries to hurt me as defense mechanism I'm going to remove her from my life. I don't care how she thinks she can justify it.
No , complicated folks are weak minded and are hanging on to something that they should have already let go of. Drop em and move on to a normal and healthy relationship.
Absolutely well said! I've dated a complicated person, I was living the most miserable time in my life without even realizing at that time.
as long as they trust you and treat you with respect yes!! I was very complicated and my boyfriend took the chance on me- he helped me grow and become the person i am, he made it an easier process and a happier one to become a much less complicated person!! Don't get me wrong we had our rough moments but it was very rarely! If you've got patience and are very understanding it is so worth it :)
Watch out for them he red flags. I was involved with someone who was complicated and he told me from the beginning. I accepted who he was but eventually I got feelings and I was mistreated and physically abused. It very difficult but just be cautious. I ignored all the red flags and made excuses because it f their “hard life “ and what he experienced in his past. It was no excuse to treat me the way he did and even through that I wanted him to see that I lived him and was there for him no matter what. I eventually left and I haven’t been the same since. It’s hard to find myself now and it’s a process. Just be cautious, you never really know someone even when you think you do.
Not all but a lot of "complicated' people are emotional scammers in different ways. I don't give them even the smallest illusion of trust and I don't bend my little finger before they do something for me.
Fuck my life dealing with complicated women. No it's not worth it. You'll lose your time, energy, money and relationships with other people. If your given the option save yourself the chaos
If you aren't already in a deep relationship with them then don't get into one. It's like asking if you should pet a lion... well if it's YOUR lion, okay. Otherwise, no.
Defensive or emotionally unstable?
No they need to get their shit together before getting into a relationship, otherwise its going to be a waste of time for both parties.
I have this kind of “complicated” personality and I’ve already accepted no one will probably ever truly love me for who I am because even though I try hard I don’t think I have much to be appreciated for. Everytime I get into a relationship I know deep inside it will end soon but I still try to appreciate every moment :) and I try to not get too attached to people or let them get too attached to me.
At least for a while. Learn what her issues are and see if she can be mended.
I was with a girl who had been abducted and raped in her early teens.
With a soft hand and a soft heart, I was able to help.
Nope. Every single person on this planet has had a complicated time. Making others pay for someone elses mistakes is immature and selfish, if you aren't ready to be an adult... stay single and don't date.
As a complicated person (by your definition) I’m going to say no. Thinking of myself and how emotionally unstable I am, a person like me is very much so capable of ruining your life in several ways. Don’t do it.
No. They don’t become less complicated the more you love them.
some people aren't capable to be a in a relationship. their personality could change in the relationship. I wouldn't give that person an opportunity. too much to deal with.
When someone tells you they are "complicated", they are basically giving you an excuse for future bad behavior.
no i couldn't live with someone like that. i have feeling too and would like to be respected.
of course. only circumstances not to ve considered are very extreme certain criteria that varies per each person willing to give such a one a chance. you decide what is too much in othet words.
If you love the person, and you are willing to work with the person, even with all their trauma, then yes.
I decided to give a chance to someone who was very complicated and was going through a depression. It was not worth it.
Eh... I've made that mistake once already. I'd rather not give it another go.
Everyone’s complicated. Just depends if it’s they’re worth it.
Man I don't know, dating somebody like that just seems like a waste of time.
You just have to be real patient with people like that
in my opinion, only if they:
1. Promise to work things out (like seek professional help)
2. You see immediate changes where applicable.
I think that you should because you can help them with whatever problems they are having. Even if things don't work out you can still be friends and just be there for them.
A family member? To certain extent. If you refer to romantic relationships, no.
Complicated? No, I don't do complicated!!! Sounds extremely stressful to say the least 4
I’ve done that over and over it doesn’t really work out
I'd date such a girl only after she got the help she needed to get a handle on that issue.
Yes, people are capable of improvement and redemption. It is one of mankind's greatest strengths.
The question is if the trouble is worth it.
I see. Thank you.
Within reason. Seems like men have to excel yet women can be literal psychos and it's still ok
Everyone is complicated. Some people are just better at communicating or hiding it...
No because i cam come off as complicated but i am very grounded i don't suffer from my past trauma & worked it out along time ago
if the sex is very good then OK otherwise no just leave and don't look back (sex is the b all and end all)
I am in a complicated relationship rn lol
No.
You are not their therapist
Always. Simple is wayyyy overrated.
A very bad idea most of the time.
Nothing really worth having is easy.
Nope never again
Everyone deserves an opportunity.
yes,
everyone deserves a chance.
We are all complicated.
Nahh
Of course no
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