Why do guys choose dependent, immature girls over me?

[erika_o14]

I had this great connection with this guy I reconnected with from high school. He and I have a lot in common and spent a few months spending time together. We had a few occasions where we got physical (but didn't have sex). He friendzoned me and I let it go because I was initiating the connection all the time.

Several months pass and he and I just reconnected yesterday. We got lunch and he told me about this girl he's dating who is immature, unmotivated and so codependent... she consults him for every decision she makes constantly. He seemed unhappy in the situation. I am the opposite, as I have a stable job I love and I'm independent and confident in myself.

After that interaction with him, I was very confused as to why he chose this girl over something with me. I tried to tell him to let this girl go, but he is willing to put up with it. This isn't the first time this has happened to me. Why do guys choose needy, codependent girls over independent, emotionally strong, and successful women?

[Phoenix-gb]

Guys want to be wanted/needed. A lot of the time the "strong, independent woman" comes with an air of indifference towards their male partners (not saying this is you, just the movement in general) With the needy girl he feels, well, needed, even if it gets on his nerves sometimes, whereas the indifference makes it difficult to know if there is any longevity to the relationship of if he'll just get ditched when a better prospect comes along.

Personally, nothing against independent women, but in a relationship standpoint, I'd also want some enthusiasm behind their choice to pick me, rather than feel like I'm just there for now.

[erika_o14]

Hi @Phoenix-gb , you make such interesting points. Maybe striking that balance between needing a guy sometimes and showing that you're independent is the happy medium I need. Honestly, in the whole situation, he showed indifference towards me with his inconsistent and infrequent communication and habitual lateness (like very late) to our dates and hangouts. I was more enthusiastic, so maybe I'm the one interested, while he was just going along with it.

[Phoenix-gb]

I think that balance is the key, having time together where it's clear you both want and choose to spend time with the other, while still allowing for individual time to pursue your own things and friendships outside of the relationship would be the ideal.

However, the additional points you mention in your reply certainly make me lean towards him not being as invested as it initially seemed while you mention being more enthusiastic. Sounds like something that just wasn't supposed to be, at least at this stage.

If you're still looking, hope you find someone who'll put in the effort to show how much they want to be around you, whilst also supporting you in your independent endeavours.

[loveslongnails]

I wish all questions were this easy to answer! LOL
The vast majority of men have "savior complexes" as well as being insecure. They want to be everything in your eyes. They want you to basically worship them - but just the right amount. They want you to need them without being overly needy. They want you to be independent too, but only to a point. They want to feel "needed and wanted" (more so than loved) because "need me, want me" is easy for a man to understand. Love is not easily understood by a man. Get the idea?

He's obviously willing to put up with her being overly needy and dependent because he'd rather be on that side of the coin than the other. Men are deeply afraid that a strong, successful, independent woman just won't "need a man" enough, or even at all. They don't understand that if such a woman CHOOSES to be with you, and give herself to you, it's far better than if she "needs you".

[erika_o14]

I think a lot of his not-so-fine qualities were evident to me, so I didn’t really worship him in a way because of his behaviors. In the connection, I always seemed to be the dominant person to initiate, make moves toward something more, etc. He didn’t make our connection any type of priority, so I decided to not make him a priority either. He said that the needy and dependent girl doesn’t have a lot going for her, so maybe she is depending on him to give her something of value in her life. He had told me that he thrives on making an impact, so maybe she’s a “project” to him. Whatever…I’m talking to other guys too, one of which loves my independent personality.

[20yearsolder]

Typically because they get what they want from those females. They are afraid they're going to lose the man so they put up with just about anything and are willing to do just about anything. Continue to be as strong woman and you'll find the right man for you

[erika_o14]

Hi @20yearsolder , thank you for your advice and kind words!

[20yearsolder]

You're very welcome, I hope you take my advice. Don't ever change to fit into someone else's life. Be yourself and they'll accept you for who you are or they won't

[HighValue]

If you were ALWAYS initiating the connection, he probably wasn't interested. Maybe got a little physical at the time because he was young and it was new to him, but he wasn't really interested. Maybe you aren't his type physically. Maybe you two want different things out of life. I don't know exactly since I don't know either of you or your personalities.

[erika_o14]

Hi @HighValue , love your username! You're right, but he admitted to me at lunch this weekend that he never initiates anything, even with friends. I'm thinking that he's confused... he always seemed scattered and like he didn't know what he was doing with himself. I am not like that, so maybe he didn't want to pursue someone who has it all together. Sounds harsh, but it may be true.

[FilmGuy93]

It could just be a physical chemistry thing. There's also a pretty good chance that your independent energy made him feel like he was more a toy to you than a partner.

The thing men don't generally like about independent/successful women is that the interactions often feel like we're an afterthought and like we're coworkers. IF you behave in a way that suggests we do not add value to your life (as many independent women seem to almost make a point of telling us), we are not going to be interested in being in your life. Men don't look to women as a source of financial stability, so your professional success is great, but it's just not a selling point for what we're looking for.

[erika_o14]

Hi @filmguy93 , this is an interesting observation. Maybe he wants to be someone who needs him nonstop rather than someone that is low-maintenance and self-confident. That way he feels like he has a purpose. He has always seemed to want to rescue people and almost be a savior to people in his life. I don't offer him that because I'm stable and self-driven.

[FilmGuy93]

I can't speak to this particular guy's intentions, but that certainly is possible. Healthy relationships are about finding balance. I want to feel wanted and needed as a man, but I also don't want to babysit. It's possible that this guy doesn't know how to tell the difference between healthy and unhealthy wanting/needing from women.

[erika_o14]

You're very wise! Thank you for your advice :) It means a lot. Just have to let him deal with this girl and convince him as a friend that he deserves better.

[FilmGuy93]

Sure thing, best of luck!

[JamesDiaz11]

Feminism lied to you.

The characteristics you seem so proud of, i. e. independent, strong, and successful are traits WOMEN find attractive in MEN. Not the other way around.

Why do you think Marilyn Monroe was so successful in movies, and in her personal life (e. g. hooking up with the President, and his brother)? It's because she evoked a protective instinct in man by being DEPENDENT, WEAK, and a little DUMB.

Men want someone they can take care of, who needs them, not a "strong modern woman."

[erika_o14]

Interesting perspective. Thanks for being brutally honest about it!

[Ekiewlen]

Men often want codependent women becuz ur makes them feel more in control (they’re insecure) but I’m not sure for this story. I wonder if he read your signals wrong and thought u friend zoned him. He’s having lunch and telling u he’s unhappy after all. Just ask him why things didn’t get more serious between u guys? Tell him u did really like him.. see what he says im very curious.

[erika_o14]

Hi @Ekiewlen , interesting perspectives. He seems insecure about himself so maybe this needy girl makes him feel better about himself when he has to help manage her decision-making. I mentioned that I really did like him and the time we spent together. I am going to follow up with him later this week to chat and will mention that as well! Thank you!

***Also, I thought it was odd when he mentioned he was unhappy and then asked if I was interested in anyone... weird.

[Dchrls78104]

If he'd been with you instead of with this girl, how would you have treated him? Would you have listened to him, trusted his judgement, valued his opinion, cooperated with him, and respected him as a man? Or would you have patronised him, tried to control or manipulate him, trampled upon his feelings and opinions, deliberately been toxic to him to reduce him to the neediness and codependency that you think that his girlfriend exhibits towards him?

[erika_o14]

I would have been the first girl, but he friendzoned me and didn't give anything a chance between us. I show complete respect and kindness towards him, but broke off the connection when he didn't show any initiative. I don't think she's dependent and toxic... he told me that she is that way. So maybe he wants that dynamic in his relationships.

[erika_o14]

^by broke off the connection, I mean that I stopped texting and calling and he didn't make an effort to reach out

[Mossberg500]

Because the natural order is women depend on men. Just another thing (((they))) artificially flipped on its head. Men since the beginning of time have learned in every natural way possible that men are the breadwinners even in caveman times. When the world starts to reject these "artificial values" (((they say))) makes us civilized you can finally remove the invisible shackles.

http://www.patriotfront.us

[erika_o14]

Thanks so much for your perspective! We still live in a time where men are seen as superior and the breadwinners and strong, successful women are undermined and seen as challenging to deal with. It’s a shame…

[Anonymous]

I'm in the same situation. I wondered why girls always choose guys who make less money, abused their exes, and have dirtier habits than me. It made sense when I realized they were at least six feet tall and acted douche like then found out women like attention grabbing alpha behavior

[erika_o14]

Hi there! Yeah, people in our generation are a mystery. I'm sorry that you haven't had much luck. I guess that focusing on improving and loving ourselves will pay off big time when people are ready to grow up and be with someone that is mature.

Here's the thing love, douchey guys aren't alpha males. They never will be if they have to act over the top to get attention. We gain attention by being our unique, awesome selves. Never forget that!

[Zolly99999]

Some people like the constant attention.. it may drive then nuts from time to time but they like the feeling of the power over them

[erika_o14]

Hi @Zolly99999 , this is so true! Even though a high-maintenance person may be a pain in the ass, they'll always be around to ask for help/opinions. Honestly, it's better to be your own person that makes your own decisions like an adult should... that's just me though haha!

[Zolly99999]

I totally agree.. I have seen it many times.

[Waldoe]

"Girls" seem more attractive if they need a man to "help" them, it is Stupid, but a guy Loves to feel like a Hero...

[erika_o14]

Hi @Waldoe , your point is so valid! I'm 23, so I'm sure this is the case among guys my age. They have weird ideas about connections and love.

[bamesjond0069]

Dependent girls are best for serious relationships and independent ones are best for casual situations. I hope that helped.

[erika_o14]

@bamesjond0069 , interesting perspective! Maybe because independent women are complete by themselves and dominate situations and relationships maybe without intending to do so?

[bamesjond0069]

Yes but its simpler than that. A relationship is about I depend on you for this and you depend on me for that... someone who won't allow themselves to depend on someone else are not suitable for a relationship based on the whole point of what a relationship is.

[Hispanic-Cool-Guy]

He's a fool. He will soon come to regret it having a baby to mind and worry about who can't get nothing done on her own.

[erika_o14]

@Hispanic-Cool-Guy , THANK YOU! He's being really stupid about it all. He had someone good right in front of him and he chose the harder way out with the needy girl.

[JSmuve]

Simply put, she addresses his emotional needs and you don't.

[Anonymous]

"You broke off the connection". In other words he didn't friendzone you. You wanted everything and you wanted it your way. Welcome to real life. That almost never happens. 🤣

[erika_o14]

I initiated all of the connections in the first place, so it seemed like he was passively going along with it. He didn’t reply back to me one day, so I just decided to leave it be.

[Opinion Owner]

That's what I said. You broke off the connection.

[genericname85]

cause guys like being the provider. short and simple.

[erika_o14]

@genericname85 , thanks for your insights! Maybe it's the independent woman in me, but I only like it when a guy pays for dates occasionally and takes care of me when I'm over the edge stressed, or really need help. Other than that, I let it fall on my shoulders because I'm resilient and used to being independent.

[genericname85]

would you like having a family with a stay at home dad doing the household stuff, while you go work to have bread on the table?

or would you prefer a man that stands on his feet, being able to carry you through the time of pregnancy till you can go back to work again?

no judgements attached. just curious.

[Anonymous]

Because of the balance of all of the other variables.

[Shiningtempest]

@erika_o14 Maybe that "dependent, immature" girl was more compatible with him than you.

[erika_o14]

With the way he complained about her, I doubt it. Maybe their life situations are the same…they’re both confused showy what they want and about making decisions. He always seemed to be in some conflict with making decisions in his life.

[NorthwestRider]

Really 😂 my wife is the breadwinner

[zagor]

Hard to say knowing nothing else about you.