What is the alternative to ghosting?

Question

I gave a guy my number and we texted for a few days. But I didn’t like anything about him, mostly because he criticized me a lot and kinda talked down to me. I also just couldn’t stand his personality in general and had no attraction to him at all.

So I stopped responding to his messages and he hasn’t texted anything else in about 4 days. I’m fine with not communicating with him anymore, but now I’ve been feeling guilty about the way I handled it.

I know ghosting isn’t a good thing, but I just didn’t know what to say to him to explain it. Should I really have gone into telling him all the things that I dislike about him and why I don’t want to text with him anymore?

Would that have been better? That just seems like it would have been such an awkward conversation and a bit rude also.

DaySpring · Accepted Answer

@flower7 It's good that you know that it's a problem. "You have to be the change you want to see" You don't dislike him. You dislike the personality and character traits he has automatized. You can make the world better by helping him grow his awareness. You cannot fix him of course but you can reveal his issues to him. Yes, it can be rude but if not he will fall victim to a worse fate and maybe it isn't your responsibility but If you really wanna be a good person in this world... You gotta be the change you wanna see.  Ghosting shows a lack of courtesy too. We worry about a lack of courtesy in the idea of telling one of their flaws but when it comes to ghosting we think it is not the same. At least if you tell him/her you will have courtesy for the next girl or guy to date them.  @thebootychest Made a great point. Bring up the opposite of the flaws. If he is mean, tell him you are looking for someone with a more keen sense of kindness or softness. It is less harsh if you use that instead of saying "you're too mean".  Lastly, people don't change over night and so you can tell someone why you aren't interested but still make sure you leave because that person won't change quickly even if they want to. Although love is the biggest positive motivator out there it still isn't easy becuz their lack of awareness makes it darn near impossible even with obsessional motive power.  At the very least tell them you are moving on... That is the #1 problem with ghosting. The person left behind has no clue what even happened. It is a HUGE sign of lack of tactfulness. I mean ghosting reveals so many character flaws one should be scared to do it! @flower7 Take this comment and others and think about it and formulate a way in which to handle these types of situations. Then you can pass it along to those you know. I don't know I just think we have to start putting our money where our mouth is. We all want to go to heaven but nobody is willing to die.

zeitgeist057 · Accepted Answer

First and foremost I want to thank you for being a considerate and thoughtful human being. Great job!

Now, on to your issue. I don't think there is a "one size fits all" solution, and the number and variety of solutions is as broad as there are personality types to sort it out. My personality type has many facets and tools, and one of my trusty standbys is formality and logic. To apply it in this particular situation, I might text something like:

"Thank you for your time, but at this point I feel no interest in continuing this interaction. I hope you find what you are looking for."

The thing is, with a guy who sounds as aggressive and boorish as the one you describe, I would assume he's going to come back with some bitter and angry words to help him deal with the pain and insecurity that wells up inside him associated with rejection. At that point, you could:

1. Block

2. Passive agressive closer: "I understand it is difficult for some people to handle rejection with maturity. Your inappropriate and abusive language is unacceptable, and after sending this I will block your number. I'm sorry you weren't able to maintain your dignity and composure. I hope you have many opportunities to practice in the future."

3. Simple polite closer: "That was rude. Further messages are blocked."

4. Tell him off: "Since I've had so much criticism from you, I thought I would repay the favor. The reasons I'm not interested are... (what you described in your details to the question)" (then block or not depending how you feel about going back and forth with this negativity)

5. Fuck with him: "That's really interesting. Please tell me more. I'm starting to get turned on, I think you found my kink." (then block him)

Truthbewithyou · Accepted Answer

I like your question. It tells how ghosting isn't right but also explains why people do it.

There really isn't a "better" way to handle rejecting someone. It's going to be uncomfortable and hurtful no matter how you go about it. I don't think you did anything wrong by ghosting him. There wasn't a connection. You figured, better to stop entertaining him and just leave it alone. The only alternative is to tell him. In my opinion, you had a lot to tell him. He's rude... he talks down to you... his personality sucks... you're not enjoying the conversations... you're not attracted to him... sheesh! Better to just ghost.

I think it would have been "rude" if you ghosted him after leading him on. If you were saying things to him like "I can't wait to see you" and then ghosted, then yeah that's rude because you made him believe you wanted to see him. But, from what you wrote, you didn't do that. It was a few days of texting and absolutely no connection whatsoever. I think your ghosting was valid.

aWes0MeNeSs · Accepted Answer

Depends on the situation.

In your case, I think telling him it doesn't seem like you're a good fit would suffice, though since it doesn't seem like you two were that invested in each other to begin with and hadn't been talking long, I'm not sure it's that big of a deal, TBH. Especially if he is a rude and condescending jerk like you say.

Aerissa_Jade · Answer

I have turned jackass guys into friend or at least somewhat decent. Some people just don't know how to communicate so an alternative is to be more assertive and direct. Like why are you saying that, you know that hurts my feelings and your trashing or bashing me.

Communicating, but at the same time if it isn't working... I just start to slow down conversations, slower responses (intentionally, sometimes I just slow cause I'm busy or working) and start to switch to shorter answers to make it harder to continue a conversation.

You could of course block which is ghosting at its finest, if he is just a big old donkey or just do what you did, slow down and stop responding.

The irony of people is many do not realize they did anything wrong if you don't tell them. You could also go into details on why you don't want to talk anymore, to at least let him know so perhaps he can improve in the future, before you cut him off.

Totally up to you though, but I know where you are coming from.

Moose304 · Answer

Why look for an alternative to a perfectly good way to get rid of a PITA? There are two different kinds of ghosting. Tactical or Offensive ghosting and peace of mind ghosting. When a relationship goes sideways a lot of people both male and female can get vindictive. I use very little social media and what little I do is business-related. Here is the difference. You break up with a guy and the first thing you do is block him across all media platforms. This is what I call tactical ghosting, it is done to cause offense to that person once they discover it. Then there is the ghosting you are forced to do because another won't leave you alone. Learn the difference between these two kinds of ghosting and you should be OK. So if I read your question correctly you really did not ghost as much as you simply stopped communicating. I would go easy on myself and stop worrying about his feelings. If he is an adult he will get the message and move on.

noless10in · Answer

Please please stop, you've broken communication with him by ghosting him what's done is done. Whether it's right or whether it's wrong you owe no one an apology especially if you were not enjoying them anyway. People do not have to be babyed and catered to especially adults They can handle themselves or at least they used to be able to in my day. Let him sit and wonder what he lost and let him pine over what might have been, or wonder if only it were meant to be. You should absolutely forget about it forget about him forget about ghosting not feel guilty. You can go say something else to him and drag it out forever. There's no good way to end a relationship ever. Even though it's not a relationship it's an acquaintance and still I don't know any acquaintance any friendship any marriage any dating anything that has ever ended well. No matter how hard you try. So please drop the guilt let them be a big boy or girl and accept what might have lost

ArrowheadSW · Answer

Well I don't think ghosting is really that bad in this situation. You really didn't know him that well and you didn't have any real involvement with him except texting and you only met up with him face to face maybe once? (I think, from your post.) At this point I don't think you really owe him an explanation. I guess if he presses the issue you can tell him more.

GingerGuy · Answer

In this circumstance, I'd just leave it unless you hear from him again. And if you don't, don't feel guilty. You both just sort of stopped talking. It's not like you've stopped and he's still texting you and you aren't responding (more what ghosting is). But, if he does reach out again, don't over think it or feel you have to "explain". You don't. You've only talked a little bit, it's not like you had a long relationship. Just simply say something like "thank you for talking with me, but I realized we aren't a match. I wish you the all the best." (even if you don't feel that way lol). This is direct and honest, and the mature response. If he doesn't accept that and continues to contact you, then you have reason to ghost. But you've done the right thing by doing that.

Kaamraj · Answer

Ghosting is mostly done by women because they have an abundant mindset and the person they are ghosting are not socially involved in their lives so there's little to no social repercussion of ghosting. As long as this imbalance of power and attention continues, there will be no alternative to ghosting.

However, if one is mature enough then they can clearly tell the other person that they are not the type of person that they're looking for xyz reasons eg. they are in a different frame of mind, they are not looking for a committed relationship, they dont have compatible views, etc. and to say that it's best that they both dont continue speaking. This is respectful as it doesn't imply that one party is better than another, just that they are different.

MzAsh · Answer

During these early stages you don’t really owe him anything. You didn’t even go on a date. Ghosting is only really bad if you’re actually dating someone. However, if he reaches out you might consider just telling him you didn’t feel the chemistry. It’s the truth and you don’t have to go into detail about how his personality is a turn off. Although, some guys would be better off knowing that sort of thing but it’s up to you really.

Tina19 · Answer

Avoid him you have given lot of importance to someone who isn't even important part of your life choose wisely whom you let in your circle there is nothing to feel guilty about cutting off someone who makes you feel bad about yourself, having boundaries is very important with people

TwinkleLily5 · Answer

If he texts you again you can just let him know that you don’t feel you guys are compatible or let him down in a nice way. You really don’t owe him an explanation, but some guys will keep coming back if you just ghost them (they’ll still think they have a shot). When I was dating and wasn’t interested I’d let them know.

TrueConfection · Answer

I wouldn't tell him everything you didn't like unless he presses you for the information because he might not want to know or even care.

The alternative to ghosting or ignoring him would be just a final farewell, "It's not going to work out between us." At least the other person knows you're not dead.

At this point, he may have moved on and I wouldn't reopen the dialog only to shut him down again. That might be worse.

GoodGuyBreakingBad · Answer

I think ghosting saved you on either end. It's sad he put you down and that shows his true immaturity just how can any guy can keep putting a girl down makes no sense well he will answer to the higher power and also Karma will get him I've never seen it fail I hope you can put this past you and wish many Blessings your way 👼🙏

RealMarek · Answer

There is a middle ground between criticizing the guy and ghosting. Just tell him something like “I don’t think we’re a good match. Good luck to you!” Leave it at that. If the guy doesn’t take that for an answer and gets aggressive then you make clear “Please do not contact me again.” If that doesn’t work, then “F*** off!”

DonkeyDan · Answer

I think in those circumstances ghosting is perfectly acceptable, you don't really know eachother and you owe him nothing.

Having said that maybe some people should hear why you have decided not to continue speaking to them, sone people will never learn to be vetter people if they never receive feedback or criticism.

GrantArmstrong · Answer

I don't think you need to feel bad based on what you have said. I've heard both preferences from entirely reasonable people. My wife and I talked about this in relation to our past brief relationships. I'd generally rather know even if it hurts my feelings and my wife preferred to just stop hearing from someone.
There is no best way so don't feel guilty.

TommyMountainFigure · Answer

Ghosting is when you hide from someone right? If you don't contact him you aren't hiding.. you just aren't contacting him. You shouldn't feel guilty about that. You've done nothing wrong.
If he contacts you again, THEN you can tell him that you and he are incompatible.

its_amelia_c · Answer

It’s a simple as saying, it was nice meeting / getting to know you, but I just don’t feel we are compatible. Or I have met someone else and we are getting along well and want to see how things go between us.

You don’t have to be cruel, but you can be kind and let them know you are not interested in being in contact anymore.

Just think, how would you like to be told.

TheBootyChest · Answer

It could be rude to point out all of a guys flaws or the things you don't like about him. But if you mention the things you need from a guy, it could be less hurtful.

As far as if you should share that info, it could help a guy fix himself if he wanted to. And then someone else could be happier down the road. But that is up to the guy to decide if he wants to change.

rocksongwriter · Answer

"I regret to inform you that your recent conduct does not conform to the minimum standards required by me and therefore I am ceasing communication with you."

anon1903 · Answer

Saying "not interested". I get what other people are saying on this. Of how you don't owe a stranger an explanation. They're right you don't. But it's also true that sometimes we care about the people we chat with and haven't seen much offline or at all. So it's just better to be a bigger human being and tell them straight that you may not be interested.

Confidentandchill · Answer

I believe it’s best to be upfront. Ghosting is an immature and poor way of communicating that you aren’t interested. I don’t ghost but I do have a hard time remembering to communicate with people as I’m always so busy. Several folks have thought I was ghosting them when I actually do enjoy them, just get too caught up in the present.

What is the alternative to ghosting?

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