Dating a narcissist who wants to put efforts to change. He's let me down majorly twice. Is there room for change or am I hoping for too much?

[Anonymous]

LONG STORY
My boyfriend (M, 31) and I (F,23) have been together for 9 months. There were many red flags I ignored initially. He was so invested in me (or so I thought) that he said he wanted to marry me just as we were getting together. Little did I know that all this was part of the love bombing phase

1. He had a female friend and their boundaries were WAY OFF. When confronted, he agreed that they had some sort of a fling in the recent past (but I don't know how long that actually went on)

Few months down, he stopped loving me the way he used to, would give me the silent treatment a lot, and I'd start wondering if I should be better and I'd ask him how he'd like me to react the next time. The whole phase of being devalued and unloved got me clinging on in hopes that if I tried harder, maybe I'd be worthy of his love

2. I noticed him act weird around his phone. His brother's girlfriend pointed out that I should watch out. He gave me the phone thinking I wouldn't take a look but at that point, I'm not proud of it, I took it and my heart sunk after all that I saw. All his half truths, lies, women I never knew that existed in his life talking cheesy stuff. The biggest heartbreak- He was flirting with the gym instructor using the SAME things he used with me and this had happened just as we had gotten together. We met at the gym

Currently, he says his biggest issue is that I've unearthed a side of him he wanted to keep a secret. He agrees to all of this and wants to change. There's also the side of him where he is extremely controlling and wants his way with the way I dress, take pictures, the people I talk to and even the way I express myself. He'd shame me badly for doing something completely normal and go behind my back and do the same thing. Somewhere I feel he is just trying his best and that I need to be patient as I love him a lot, but it is destroying everything that I am. I feel lost, drained and hurt

[DaveJord]

So what's the thought process here, three strikes he out or what?

I read in the initial question that has failed you twice major, and you have been dating for nine months with many red flags... I mean do I really need to read more or don't you already really know what you should do? I mean do your really need me to tell you that he does deserver you and you should move on?

I guess since I started the this rabbit whole I will give you the courtesy of reading more past the first four lines.

Okay I read enough I got down to the last paragraph. This guy is fraud, he all the the things your father should of warned you about in a guy. He is trying to use you, and my you complacent with his behavior, he is not being honest and it sounds like a load of crap. This type of thing abusers do, they condition you to the abuse, play mind games to control you and they're predatory in their behavior by seeking out women who will tolerate it. SO run, run harder, run fast, run long and run hard.

So what is it that you want me to say? If you want the truth, you have literally wasted 9 months of your life and you need to stop now. But if you really love this guy and you really, really, really want to be with him... then give him one last chance and make it three strikes your out for real, I am sure it will not take long. You really should end it now though, but if you don't just remember that there was this guy on G@G DaveJord that told you so.

[lightbulb27]

I saw a woman who was mud wrestling an alligator, the gator got on top of her and she was yelling..."what do I do now... muble muble... didn't expect that". I yelled, stop wrestling alligators cause they're wild and unpredictable... unless you accept all the consequences.

I made that up. reality is what you've got. He hasn't given up on others and doesn't love you back yet. You love him... what does that mean and why? A lot of girls seem to go for the same 5% of guys and love them, when those guys aren't easy to pin down.

You are dealing with a man who is not loving you, he's destroying you because he is creating insecurity. You want love/security so you can setup your nest and make family... probably.

You can fight like hell for X years. My girlfriend did and she brought me around, it worked, but was hard on her and me. Maybe can get to a stable place. Add babies in there, all the energy it takes... well, going to be exhausting and just have to except the pain or let. how long can you handle that? I see a woman near me marry a guy, they had a baby and both are very supportive. That's what you want probably.

Give him some time, pressure and a chance. otherwise, I'd move on. People do not change easy, it's hard because have to look inside oneself and do work. Its' easier to avoid the root problems and let the sub conscious mind keep doing what it was programmed to do.

stop picking gators...

[lightbulb27]

Not to make light of it, it's a painful mess to put so much into. you gotta take a hard look at the value system he adheres to, if you can handle giving him a chance.

[yucychan]

Whenever I see these type of posts, I just want to scream and hurl a rock at the asker, and shout "What is wrong with you?"
I feel mad because you are allowing him to disrespect you, to talk you down. And the worst thing is, you are starting to believe the nonsense he's been feeding you.

I'm not sure if it's the age difference, since him being much older would make you feel that he may be more knowledgeable and experienced, and so, you allowed him to be the key-decision maker in your relationship. Let me tell you one thing, age does not equate wisdom nor maturity. There is nothing in this relationship that signals that he loves or respect you.

To be honest, I think he gave you his phone on purpose. He wanted you to find out about his misdemeanors. Because what can you do? Did you get mad, did you punch him? Did you threaten to leave him? No, because you don't respect or love yourself enough to stand up for yourself.

All he have to do is just feed you with one of his bs stories, that he's been contemplating change all this while. I believe you are a smart person, you know the red flags, you know he's been floundering behind your back all this while. You just don't want to acknowledge it, that's he's poison and treating you like a discardable item.

It's your life and your decision to live it the way you want. If you can't stand up for yourself, if you can't love and respect yourself, then no one else can.

[areitan]

If you saw the red flags initially, AND you've already acknowledged that he's let you down more than once, AND he's controlling and trying to change you... girl, why are you still there? You left off the part where he's manipulative, bullying, distrustful, lying (do I need to go on?). HE has made YOU feel like you're doing something wrong when it's been him all along. From the very beginning by the sounds of it.
You've already given him chances. Now you need to find a man worthy of you. He is not the one!

[Peanut38]

Has been diagnosed with actual narcissistic personality disorder? If so, it is to be expected that he will let you down at times. I'm not saying it's fair, but that's just how it is. He has a mental disorder and it takes time, dedication and a lot of effort to change. And even with all that, it might not change.
So whether you stay with him or not is up to you. If you love him and are willing to deal with his disorder, then keep going. If you feel he's not improving and the relationship is negatively affecting your life, then feel free to break it off. It doesn't make you a bad person, and becoming unhappy and depressive yourself won't help anyone. Take care of yourself.
What you should avoid is thinking that you are responsible for him. Do not think that you are obligated to stick with him, remember that you have a choice.

[Anonymous]

I have been where you are.

Quote: but it is destroying everything that I am. I feel lost, drained and hurt

So the long and the short of it is that you do not have any strength left to give, so you cannot help him.

You are absolutely right that you will lose yourself and be destroyed in this.

He is not a real person, there is nothing real about him, at all.

Everything that he does in every waking moment of his life is laser focused on building and maintaining a presentable front to allow him to feed off other people.

It is extremely unlikely that he will ever be able to change even with a serious and professionally supported effort over many years.

You aren't even a year into this and you are already broken and you are so deeply mind fucked at this point that you are frankly incapable of making healthy choices for yourself.

Get the fuck out and never ever ever go back for any reason.

It is called zero contact for a reason.

[Taylor_C]

Get away from this guy ASAP! You deserve better. A narcissist is never going to change.

[SomeGuyCalledTom]

He won't change. He's just telling you what you wanna hear. A tiger doesn't change its stripes.

[Anonymous]

Why should you be any different? Most women are attracted to the worst guys.