Was it rude of my fiance to tell me he rated me low in appearance?

[Anonymous]

My fiancé (28m) proposed to me (28f) a couple days ago. Yesterday he told me his bestfriend asked him what my score would be on the fashion and fire spectrum. Fashion means how well I would be considered a trophy wife/atttactive in appearance and style/able to be shown off. Fire means how good my character is. My boyfriend rated me an 80 to 20. He said I am a 20 in fashion (appearance) and an 80 in fire (character). I honestly felt hurt that he viewed me as low in appearance and that he was willing to tell me he saw me that way. Later he told me his bestfriend's opinion did not matter to him and he still chooses me, but I can't seem to shake off the hurt and disappointment. How can I go about expressing this to him? Am I being unreasonable?

[Bailey0506]

I think this really depends on what kind of guy your fiance is. For example, if he's the "bad boy" stereotype, he may have said that to try and sound cool; if he's a little bit awkward, he may have said it without realising how much it upset you; if he's a bit of a joker, he might have said it as a joke that has been misunderstood.

Regardless, if what he said hurt you (and honestly, I can understand why), you should talk to him about how it made you feel. Communication is the bedrock of a good relationship.

PS., Could it have been that he was trying to flatter you? By saying he likes you because of your personality rather than just because of your appearance alone? This kind of thing could also depend on whether you're more of a aesthetic or mind oriented person.

[Anonymous]

Even if he did think that, his comment was unnecessary and serves no meaningful purpose. Therefore the only conclusion that can be reached is that he wanted to bring you down, chip away at your self esteem, put you in your place and make you feel insecure. You should consider this as a major redflag, but also a serious warning of things to come if you get married.

Any man that has the best interests concerning his wife / partner to be would only be interested in bringing her up higher in every way, while she does the same to him. His comment comes from the ego and shows a lack of connection with self and spirit. Ignore it at your own peril.

Sure, you could go about telling him how it made you feel but ultimately it is a form of emotional abuse and is born from some insecurity. You've been warned!

[maximumpower]

at first blush i'd say it's childish, rude, inconsiderate, and demeaning - especially coming from someone who's supposed to be a significant other. its also pretty crappy to convey the content of the conversation to you.
HOWEVER, you need to temper it with the names of the categories. fashion? it's a stretch to make that heading apply to overall appearance. the overwhelming percentage of guys i know have no idea what fashion is and have very little "fashion sense," nor do they care to. personally, i'd be more miffed about being labeled a trophy wife. that's NOT what i'd consider flattering. fire, as to character, is also a stretch. to me "fire" would be more appopriate to describe drive, determination, energy and willingness/desire to achieve.
SO - he's being not nice AND you're (possibly) being thin-skinned about it.
either way - if you don't like it now, don't expect it'll change once you walk down the aisle.

[crossdressingrihno]

Personally I think it could go either way.
It is a bit of a dick move to openly telling your girlfriend she's just a 20 but at the same if he's marrying you because of your character then I can understand why he wouldn't really see it as bad.

I get your upset and you should let him know but you should do so in a calm and loving way if possible.

[Asker]

Do you think he feels like he is settling?

[crossdressingrihno]

No
He clearly likes your personality

[crossdressingrihno]

You could still be his first pick since he gave your personality an 80

[hyperben]

you are annoyed because your boyfriend thinks you are a nice person and values this over your appearance? you should let him know so that he can move on and find someone who will appreciate this and you can be a trophy wife to someone who doesn't really care about anything but your appearance.

[DarkWinterNights]

I think this could be a case of a guy not understanding what he’s saying and how it’s being taken. You could just have a private discussion with him later and ask him what he means by it and how it makes you feel.


But the whole rating thing is weird. My married friends and I have never had discussions like that.

[Birdlegs]

I’m surprised that you’re more worried about the appearance side instead of the 80 for your character. I feel like that would be a great thing to be told he’s saying you’re a great person.

[CA4444]

If I was gonna get married I would expect a 100/100 as a minimum

[slatyb]

How long have you been dating? Don’t marry someone who thinks they are settling.

[Guy13]

Your marriage is going to be full of fireworks 💥. Already setting one another up…🥳🥳🥳

[driven159]

you should be happy you are not considered to be his trophy wife that means he wants to be with you because you are you not arm candy but better than that

[Zolly99999]

Oh I know how you feel.. you must be the "safe choice" for him.. this happens a lot. It has happened to me many times. It sucks

[Gent207]

Your boyfriend is a fucking fool and a tool

[VikingWarLord]

Well are you dressing like a Granny? Overweight?

[Vick2828]

Girl, he loves your personality. That's a win

[Anonymous]

Well yeah, he's the guy your gonna marry right?

[jahaims]

Nope

[Jackson619]

How do you look