Why would a man say he’s happy but not committing to anything with a girl, but isn’t looking elsewhere either? It that just short-term convenience or?

[Anonymous]

Updates

+1 y

They’ve been dating for about 1 year and see each other every couple of weeks or so for a few days due to a little distance.

[OlderAndWiser]

It means "I want what I want when I want it. . . and don't expect anything in return."

[Asker]

What should the girl do, just date others? He likes to talk to her family too and get involved with each other’s family, why if he’s not serious?

[OlderAndWiser]

Ingratiating himself with your family gives him more power over you. He wants to control you so he can continue to get what he wants.

[Asker]

Okay. So what about wanting me to meet his?

[OlderAndWiser]

He is building an illusion that allows him to have access to you whenever he wants it. Isn't that what he is getting now. . . without any commitment?

[Asker]

Not really no, I’ve become distant and have started dating others.

[OlderAndWiser]

But you are still intrigued. Here you are trying to determine why he is acting a certain way, rather than just forgetting about him and moving on.

[Asker]

He’s divorced and said that’s the reason he doesn’t want to jump into anything too soon

[Asker]

Yeah because it’s not that black and white. I have to walk away feeling that I’m right so getting other peoples views that back it up obviously helps to cement that.

[Asker]

Could it not be a bit more innocent than that? It all sounds a bit sinister.

[OlderAndWiser]

He isn't necessarily doing this with a conscious motive to use you. It is more likely that he isn't thinking about that and doesn't know why you could have any concerns about this situation. But the result is the same: if he says he isn't ready for a relationship and that is what you are looking for, you should trust that he is being honest about that. Finding The One is a matter of finding the right person at the right time; he may be the right person, but this isn't the right time.

[Asker]

He says “yet” like it will change, and sometimes I think I should give it another year but then at other times I’m thinking I shouldn’t.

[OlderAndWiser]

Don't stay in a relationship hoping that someone will change. It usually doesn't happen. And, for him, it may happen eventually, but maybe it can't happen with you. Maybe he's got to go through a few more relationships before he gets his head cleared out and realizes what he wants.

[Asker]

Yeah maybe. When I said I think I should see others, he replied “IF you find someone else and they are better than me then that’s my fault” like what’s all that about?

[Asker]

He reckons he’s okay with me seeing others because he wouldn’t want to hold me back. He’s also open to moving abroad for work too.

[OlderAndWiser]

He probably has some internal conflict about you. Probably his head tells him that you are a good person for him but his heart feels scared.

[Asker]

Yeah. I asked for clarification on whether he said he’ll never commit and he said no that not what he meant, just that he’s not there right now but the potential to be is…

[OlderAndWiser]

If you aren't ready to leave, at least give yourself a time limit for how long you stay and wait for him to come around. But DON'T tell him your time limit because that kind of pressure never works well.

[Asker]

Yeah I’ve already got this in mind and haven’t said anything either.

[Asker]

I’ve also got other dates lined up so will just see how things progress in general.

[OlderAndWiser]

Yes, if your heart tries to stay too invested in this guy, you need to fight it. I am afraid that would be a downward spiral for you.

[Asker]

How are you so sure though?

[OlderAndWiser]

Oh, I am not positive. I am simply gauging this situation by others I have observed in the past. There are guys who get hurt and will never again commit, and if he sees you are starting to date others and that doesn't constitute a "wake up call" it's difficult to see anything else changing his attitude.

[Asker]

I think he wants to love again, he seems straight in his head, it’s just his heart needs to catch up by my guess on the situation.
He has said he’ll never get back with her, but then says he’ll always love his ex though, and is still waiting for her to let him know why she ended it as he believes he’ll hear eventually (which isn’t a good sign at all, I know!)

[OlderAndWiser]

Indeed. You are the backup plan.

[Asker]

So he’ll be mine

[Asker]

And I think now he’s starting to sense that, he’s putting more effort in again.

[OlderAndWiser]

The question is not whether you can regain his attention now. The real question is whether you can hold his attention in the future, so be cautious with your heart.

[Asker]

I always am

[Asker]

He likes that I’m keeping options open to move abroad too so that tells me he’s not thinking too much into the future for us, yet, if at all. Even though he’s tried to give me the impression he was before now.

[OlderAndWiser]

He seems to be very confused and conflicted.

[LazerBean]

Because he's already getting sex and most other benefits of a relationship without actually having to commit.

[BarryLiverstone]

He just means he isn’t actively approaching others. But he is still open to finding someone better

[Asker]

That’s what I thought too. He’s protective of her etc and has pushed to meet each other’s families so just seems a bit odd.

[Asker]

He says he’s really happy and isn’t interested in looking elsewhere 🤷🏼‍♀️ Your guess is as good as mine.

[BarryLiverstone]

He’s lying

[Asker]

How are you so sure?

[BarryLiverstone]

Because he hasn’t committed in a year. So obv he is open to having sex with others. Just doesn’t tell her about it

[Asker]

So you’re really saying you believe that’s the only possible reason it could be?

[BarryLiverstone]

Could be other reasons but yes I’m confident in what I said