The guy I’ve been dating told me he wants a polyamorous relationship with me and another girl, what should I do?

[Anonymous]

So me and this guy have been dating for a long time now, we love each other and I really want him to be in my life. He recently opened up to me about how he is polyamorous. He said he wants to be with me and this other girl (his ex) and that he loves us both equally. I’m not polyamorous but have decided to be open minded to the idea of it as I love him and want him in my life. What should I do in this situation?

[RACSKC0B]

First you should consider, who is responsible for your happiness?
Can you be happy in this arrangement?
You're willing to at least try being in a polyamorous relationship, just so you can continue to be with this guy (even if it's only part time).
Can you say, with confidence, that he would consider compromising to the same degree to be with you?
What happens if you decide, that is not for you?
Is he going to even consider leaving her, to be with you, just you?
Because from the sounds of it, he's getting to keep his girlfriend, and his side piece. So it's pretty much win, win for him. The only question then is simple, are you the girlfriend, who's boyfriend has a side piece, or are you just a side piece, because you're boyfriend already has a girlfriend.
Is that the relationship you're really interested in being in?
One where if you're the girlfriend, you're not an important enough part of the relationship than you can't be replaced (which then means from his point of view [which, to be clear is the only one that matters], there's only one person's happiness that he's interested in, his own) or one were you're the side piece and will always be out ranked by the girlfriend. And if she's replaceable, you can be sure you are too.
Plus that's his "ex-girlfriend" have they fluid bounded already?
Because if you're not into being in a polyamorous going into it, it's tough to imagine that changing, relationships are tough enough without knowing you're always gonna be in competition for his attention. Even when you don't want to be, and what's he doing for either of you?
Aside from spending more time with whomever has the lowest inhibitions, and an eagerness to please.


***I'm struggling to finish this before I fall asleep, if it makes no sense, I'm sorry, and I'll try to fix it when I wake up.
Super sorry.

[RobT312]

A polyamorous relationship is an open one where all partners freely mingle with other partners. I don’t think that’s the situation here because you are saying you are not like that. What about the other girl?
It also sounds like he can’t decide between his ex and you, so he’s proposing to have both of you. I guess my opinion is If you are ok with that arrangement then give it a try, otherwise move on. This just feels like a very one sided relationship that favors him and that kind of relationship doesn’t work for most people. Be safe and make sure you really think about doing what’s best for you

[PinkCloud7]

A guy I dated for a couple of months tried to do this once, it kinda felt he was just covering his ass for being involved with multiple people and feeling guilty about it. So instead of making his partner's feelings a priority (and yes, choosing one), he made his comfort a priority and tried to see if these women would accommodate him. Granted, he came back later when nothing worked out in his other relationships and asked if I wanted to start things up again.🤡😘

It's tricky if he has just discovered that he wants that, I get it. But I really don't think it's a fair ask mid relationship if you never felt like you had any interest in that arrangement.

For me, the idea of my long term partner seeing others is unacceptable, definitely non preferable, and I thought about agreeing to his arrangement to "face my fear". So that I could be ok with it in the future? But that's not the relationship that I want in the future, why go through the immense trial of making myself ok with something I want want to be in..

Good luck ❤❤❤

[Pinay_ako]

If you’re doing it for him, don’t do it. You have to do it for yourself! You’ll just be miserable and hurt

[Asker]

Yes I guess you are right, I am sort of doing it for him because I want to be with him that much that I guess I’m willing to settle for a 3 way relationship despite the fact it’s not exactly what I want, but I guess in my mind I think “oh well at least I’ll have him though”. I’m straight so having feelings for the other girl is out of the question for me, If I were to get into it of course I’d try and be friends with her. I’m just worried jealousy might get in the way as he’s the guy I really love and I know they’ll be doing the exact same things as me and him…

[Pinay_ako]

Don’t settle for less. It looks like he’s not over her yet and you’re there at the wrong time for a rebound until their paths cross again. Don’t do this to yourself

[Asker]

Yeah I don’t think he is over her, but he says he loves me aswell, and loves us both equally so I’m not sure why he would string me along instead of just going for her? Why do you think this could be?

[Pinay_ako]

Coz he’s not sure either if his ex would be for keeps or leave him again. Just leave. Don’t fall for words. Don’t be another option

[Asker]

If he loved her and not me surely he wouldn’t lead me on like this, he said that if she were to say no to the relationship then he would find someone else to join us both because he just want a 3 way relationship, but ideally he would like it to be with me and her

[Pinay_ako]

I don't know what to tell you.

[Asker]

Yeah I guess so, thank you for your answer though

[20yearsolder]

Have a conversation, tell him whether you're comfortable with the idea or not. If you want him in your life I'm guessing you're going to have to deal with another woman being in his bed occasionally. It's your decision to make not his. You either stay or you don't

[FilmGuy93]

The trick to doing anything like that successfully is to have good communication. You and your partner need to always be communicating, and you need to communicating clearly.

Polyamory doesn't have a great track record. It turns out that the VAST majority of people just aren't emotionally equipped with the ability to handle shared intimacy. Having great communication does go a long way to bridging those gaps though. Best of luck!

[Asker]

Yes I’m sure that’s very true, thank you for your answer 😊

[FilmGuy93]

Happy to help!

[Anonymous]

Well first of all is he really polyamorous? Meaning that you are equally free to be involved with other people (A) or is he in fact expecting you to be loyal to him while he is not loyal to you and also lying about this by deliberately misusing terms to deflect attention away from this imbalance (B)?

My money is on B.

Oh and saying you are free to be with other people while knowing you have no interest in being with someone else is functionally identical to B.

[Asker]

Well he has said that he would want either of other have other partners, he wants it to be us 3 together, me him and her. And no I don’t want anyone else, that’s partly why it’s a difficult decision for me because I want to be with him, it’s just whether I can deal with the fact he wants to be with him and someone else at the same time. He’s told me he will be loyal to the both of us though and it will just be us 3 so yeah. If I can cope with the other girl then I would gladly be with him but as someone who isn’t polyamorous im mostly worried that jealousy could become a problem despite the fact he’s tried many times to reassure me that he will love us both equally and neither one of us will come before the other

[Opinion Owner]

This is not polyamory is polygamy and that is very different.

As I said he is deliberately misusing language to obsecure his real intention which is called 'lying'.

You have been dating for 'a long time now' this conversation should have happened right at the very start before you had invested your feelings etc.

Its not like he didn't know the other person or that something suddenly changed, this is his ex we are talking about.

So Im calling bullshit, this guy is just a fucking chancing prick hoping that you are dumb enough to fall for this crap.

[Asker]

Possibly, don’t scare me too much haha😅😅 I think it’s somethings he’s recently discovered about himself though, he said he never really considered having more than one partner previously but he watched a video about it and thought to himself that actually he would be more happy with things that way and there’s many benefits that come from it. And yes, it is his ex, this was a concern for me aswell and honestly I was quite worried that it might mean he loves her more than me or has been hiding things from me, but his ex loves overseas, and they haven’t dated for many years. She was his first serious girlfriend and he said things are very different between them now however he said me and her are the only females who really stuck it out with him and made him happy, so to have both of us in his life would make him happy. But maybe I am just very naive and stupid I’m not sure anymore😅😅 I want to trust him and his word that’s the thing

[Asker]

**lives

[Faith18letsgo]

Say yes! And read “The Ethical Slut” it’s a really great and helpful guide to polyamory.

[Asker]

I’ll have to give it a ready, what do you think would be the benefits for me in a relationship like this? Thank you for your answer :)

[Faith18letsgo]

You both get to love more people in that deep in intimate way. It keeps you able to be honest with each other about your desires for other people. You have a broader support system, if one of you is in the hospital it isn’t only the other person‘s responsibility to take care of you, and they have someone to take care of them. It can be fun to live outside of social norms as often the people there are really cool and radical and open to being there most authentic selves. Your other partners can teach you both things that you can bring back to your relationship. You will be very good at boundaries and communication because you’ll have to be. You and boyfriend will want each other significantly more than you need each other. I’m proud of you and your boyfriend for being open to this. Congratulations!! (Whatever you decide)

[DirkCoenen]

If you have any self respect, run from polyamorous people as fast and as far as you can.

[ArtemisSilver]

You could try it and see how it goes. Poly has lots of upsides if people can talk openly and get along

[Asker]

Yes that’s true, he’s explained to me the benefits I think the thing I’m most worried about is how equal the relationship will be for me and the other girl, if I will get jealous or not because I've never really imagined myself being in a 3 way relationship before it would be very new and maybe difficult to get used to? But I want to be with him so I’m unsure. I guess one upside for me would be more company and maybe building a connection with the other person. But it’s difficult one I guess :/

[ArtemisSilver]

Start with just trying to be her friend and cooperating on simple stuff like chores and cooking. It will build mutual respect.

It's probably scary for her because you're the dominant female right now.

[Asker]

Yes that’s true, I’d like to meet her and get to know her. Who knows, we could possibly build a strong friendship if we get along. I’m not bi or lesbian so having romantic feelings for the girl is out of the question. I guess time will tell and I’ll have to see how things go🤷🏼‍♀️

[ArtemisSilver]

Let me know how it goes. I'm in the process of finding a gal to join my wife and I too rn so I'm curious to see someone else go through it.

[Asker]

Yeah I’ll let you know, how does your wife feel about your situation, is she quite happy with it / polyamorous herself? And as a guy who is also looking to have 2 women in his life, does it have anything to do with ur relationship with ur wife or do u love her the same as always and just looking for someone else to join the two of u? Like what’s ur personal reason for wanting another woman, just so I can understand why my man might want it aswell

[ArtemisSilver]

I'm about to fall asleep, can you dm me so we can continue the conversation later

[Asker]

Yeah sure :)

[Wise4myage]

If its not something you are comfortable with, than just say no.

[Asker]

I’m not really sure if I would be uncomfortable or not, thing is I really want to be with him I love him loads. The only thing that I’m worried about is if I’d possibly get jealous or unhappy later on down the line. But I suppose that depends on how the relationship is at the time and how well I get along with the other girl, how much attention he gives me compared to her etc. so it’s a difficult decision :/

[Wise4myage]

You make valid points, and jealousy could wind up being a big issue. Have you discussed this with him? Having the ex involved sounds like a red flag.

[Asker]

Yes we’ve talked about it, he’s tried to reassure me it would be equal and he loves us both the same. I thought the same thing about it being an ex but she lives overseas and they haven’t been together for many many years and have both had other relationships since. He said we are both women he wants in his life and neither would come before the other. And while everything he says could be 100% true, as someone who’s not polyamorous I can’t help but worry that jealousy might become a problem and it might be difficult to see him have the same relationship as me with another girl

[Wise4myage]

So would you even see his ex that much?

[Asker]

He said if it were to happen then we’d love together so either we would have to fly out and live with her, or she would come to us🤷🏼‍♀️🤷🏼‍♀️

[Asker]

**live

[Wise4myage]

Have you ever met her? Or chatted online with her?

[Asker]

No but he said if she were to agree to it then I would meet her

[Wise4myage]

Well, I say chat with her over the internet and then see how you feel.

[Asker]

Okay, I will have to bring this up to him, thank you for the suggestion 😊

[Wise4myage]

You're welcome and good luck. :)

[IssaSummerDay]

If you're uncomfortable, dump him right away. You're going to find someone a billion times better than him who will respect you in every way possible.

[h3ll02u]

you are just seeking for validation. You already decided what you want.

[Anonymous]

If you have to ask there's really no point in us advising you. 🤣

[LazerBean]

You two are not compatible. Find someone else

[Asker]

We are very much compatible in all areas besides this. We have a great connection and chemistry and love eachother a lot. I guess we just want different things, he wants to be polyamorous whereas I’ve always imagined myself in a monogamous relationship

[LazerBean]

This is a huge area to not be compatible with. It's not like he dislikes ketchup and you don't. This is going to affect every minute of your relationship. Anything big like this has to be compatible or it's just going to cause suffering.

[Asker]

I guess you are right, it will be hard to let things go for me as I really think we could’ve had a great relationship if it weren’t for this one thing :/

[pizzalovershouse]

If your straight say no

[kareka]

He is lying he still love her..

[Asker]

So why would he want to be with the both of us?

[kareka]

If she left him he will find u..

[Asker]

He said is she were to say no then he would find someone else to be with us both…

[Asker]

** if

[kareka]

Do he ask for threesome?

[Asker]

Yes he has done but not necessarily with this girl he said he would just like one even if it was any girl

[kareka]

And u like threesome?

[Asker]

I’m not sure to be honest, why?

[kareka]

Leave him its my advice

[Asker]

How come?

[kareka]

Can u follow me?

[Sabretooth]

that's a red flag... a big ass one!

[Asker]

@Sabretooth how come?

[Sabretooth]

''He said is she were to say no then he would find someone else to be with us both…'' proves his love for her is a lie.

[Dingdonginmymouth]

FsGreat way to get so

[Asker]

What do u mean?

[LoyalAffectionate]

Say how you feel. If you don't, he's NOT for you