The guy I’ve been dating told me he wants a polyamorous relationship with me and another girl, what should I do?

Question

So me and this guy have been dating for a long time now, we love each other and I really want him to be in my life. He recently opened up to me about how he is polyamorous. He said he wants to be with me and this other girl (his ex) and that he loves us both equally. I’m not polyamorous but have decided to be open minded to the idea of it as I love him and want him in my life. What should I do in this situation?

RACSKC0B · Accepted Answer

First you should consider, who is responsible for your happiness?
Can you be happy in this arrangement?
You're willing to at least try being in a polyamorous relationship, just so you can continue to be with this guy (even if it's only part time).
Can you say, with confidence, that he would consider compromising to the same degree to be with you?
What happens if you decide, that is not for you?
Is he going to even consider leaving her, to be with you, just you?
Because from the sounds of it, he's getting to keep his girlfriend, and his side piece. So it's pretty much win, win for him. The only question then is simple, are you the girlfriend, who's boyfriend has a side piece, or are you just a side piece, because you're boyfriend already has a girlfriend.
Is that the relationship you're really interested in being in?
One where if you're the girlfriend, you're not an important enough part of the relationship than you can't be replaced (which then means from his point of view [which, to be clear is the only one that matters], there's only one person's happiness that he's interested in, his own) or one were you're the side piece and will always be out ranked by the girlfriend. And if she's replaceable, you can be sure you are too.
Plus that's his "ex-girlfriend" have they fluid bounded already?
Because if you're not into being in a polyamorous going into it, it's tough to imagine that changing, relationships are tough enough without knowing you're always gonna be in competition for his attention. Even when you don't want to be, and what's he doing for either of you?
Aside from spending more time with whomever has the lowest inhibitions, and an eagerness to please.

***I'm struggling to finish this before I fall asleep, if it makes no sense, I'm sorry, and I'll try to fix it when I wake up.
Super sorry.

RobT312 · Accepted Answer

A polyamorous relationship is an open one where all partners freely mingle with other partners. I don’t think that’s the situation here because you are saying you are not like that. What about the other girl?
It also sounds like he can’t decide between his ex and you, so he’s proposing to have both of you. I guess my opinion is If you are ok with that arrangement then give it a try, otherwise move on. This just feels like a very one sided relationship that favors him and that kind of relationship doesn’t work for most people. Be safe and make sure you really think about doing what’s best for you

PinkCloud7 · Accepted Answer

A guy I dated for a couple of months tried to do this once, it kinda felt he was just covering his ass for being involved with multiple people and feeling guilty about it. So instead of making his partner's feelings a priority (and yes, choosing one), he made his comfort a priority and tried to see if these women would accommodate him. Granted, he came back later when nothing worked out in his other relationships and asked if I wanted to start things up again.🤡😘

It's tricky if he has just discovered that he wants that, I get it. But I really don't think it's a fair ask mid relationship if you never felt like you had any interest in that arrangement.

For me, the idea of my long term partner seeing others is unacceptable, definitely non preferable, and I thought about agreeing to his arrangement to "face my fear". So that I could be ok with it in the future? But that's not the relationship that I want in the future, why go through the immense trial of making myself ok with something I want want to be in..

Good luck ❤❤❤

Pinay_ako · Accepted Answer

If you’re doing it for him, don’t do it. You have to do it for yourself! You’ll just be miserable and hurt

20yearsolder · Answer

Have a conversation, tell him whether you're comfortable with the idea or not. If you want him in your life I'm guessing you're going to have to deal with another woman being in his bed occasionally. It's your decision to make not his. You either stay or you don't

FilmGuy93 · Answer

The trick to doing anything like that successfully is to have good communication. You and your partner need to always be communicating, and you need to communicating clearly.

Polyamory doesn't have a great track record. It turns out that the VAST majority of people just aren't emotionally equipped with the ability to handle shared intimacy. Having great communication does go a long way to bridging those gaps though. Best of luck!

Anonymous · Answer

Well first of all is he really polyamorous? Meaning that you are equally free to be involved with other people (A) or is he in fact expecting you to be loyal to him while he is not loyal to you and also lying about this by deliberately misusing terms to deflect attention away from this imbalance (B)?

My money is on B.

Oh and saying you are free to be with other people while knowing you have no interest in being with someone else is functionally identical to B.

Faith18letsgo · Answer

Say yes! And read “The Ethical Slut” it’s a really great and helpful guide to polyamory.

DirkCoenen · Answer

If you have any self respect, run from polyamorous people as fast and as far as you can.

ArtemisSilver · Answer

You could try it and see how it goes. Poly has lots of upsides if people can talk openly and get along

Wise4myage · Answer

If its not something you are comfortable with, than just say no.

IssaSummerDay · Answer

If you're uncomfortable, dump him right away. You're going to find someone a billion times better than him who will respect you in every way possible.

h3ll02u · Answer

you are just seeking for validation. You already decided what you want.

Anonymous · Answer

If you have to ask there's really no point in us advising you. 🤣

LazerBean · Answer

You two are not compatible. Find someone else

pizzalovershouse · Answer

If your straight say no

kareka · Answer

He is lying he still love her..

Dingdonginmymouth · Answer

FsGreat way to get so

LoyalAffectionate · Answer

Say how you feel. If you don't, he's NOT for you

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